Questions for an Older Man . . .

I was taking a bath tonight while reading a great book for class (Dreams of Sleep by Josephine Humphreys), and I started imagining questions that I would love to ask some guy, either married or previously married, in maybe his thirties or forties. (No one in particular in mind, just the expectation of an interesting perspective.)

Why do what seems like most married men compartmentalize their lives according to the roles they play — husband, father, employee, lover (to another) . . . ? How does that become so easy? Why does that become so easy? I don't know. I could be completely wrong here, but it seems like the infidelity problem in lots of marriages isn't necessarily the result of some evil, completely ill-intentioned blackguards, but the symptom of husbands (spouses is more of a fair term, but this has only happened with the men in my family) who feel duty-bound to their spouses, but romantically bound to someone else. I'm not trying to condemn, because I think this is just a symptom of something else. But what . . . ?

Did we use to be better people, with more integrity? The easiest answer is yes, but I know plenty of people who believe great things, who do great things, things that are beautiful and good and true. I have also met those older than me who used to be just like these others when they were my age, but somehow — do we just lose it, somehow? Is it even related? Can one be a person of integrity and have an affair? I don't know anymore. The act itself is appalling to me, but I don't know if a person can be defined as good or bad by simply one choice. Can a person have integrity and still make a heart-wrenching mistake (choice)?

How have we fallen into this mindset? Why have we bought into it? Is it really too much to expect another to provide one's life with romance and meaning and significance? It's these questions that give me pause as I think about relationships. It's so much easier to toy with the idea of a relationship than to trust that this is even possible anymore. I believe it's possible for a few to escape this thought pattern, but how should I know if and when I'll ever meet one of those few? If I'll be one of those few? I come from people who threw in the towel, family members who gave in to compartmentalization. Time and time and time and time again, I've seen it happen, whether marriages ended due to infidelity, or other marriages lumbered down a lonely path, with two silent strangers walking side by side and staring into opposite directions for the rest of their life, the stale space in between still void of fulfillment and love.

I don't know if I can trust in this married world I see. The world for people my age, for the happily unmarried, seems to hold much more longevity and satisfaction, if one can learn to face the sun through the periods of loneliness. I crave intimacy, I really do. I don't know if I can convince myself, though, that the flowers on the other side of the fence aren't annuals, and those on my side, perennials.

I know that this sounds entirely pessimistic, but I don't mean for it to be that way. I enjoy my life. I enjoy the freedom to enjoy friendships with men that haven't yet needed to be modified to avoid the impression of impropriety, not that I have improper friendships anyway. (Still, any woman will know what I'm talking about.) I don't have to worry that "hanging out with the guys" will somehow bother a significant other. I have the freedom to explore different job opportunities, travel wherever I want, spend my money without wondering what other purchases I need to make room for in my checkbook. . . . I have free time.

Less than six months ago, I was debating whether or not I should actually join the Peace Corps or whether I should remain in Anderson, instead; I was happy in a relationship with a guy who made it clear that he wouldn't want to move to a long-distance relationship. Now, I'm going to South Carolina in October, then to California for at least a year and a half before I move to some new place. I'm going to learn to speak Arabic! I'm so happy for my brother and his girlfriend, who, I would assume, will get married in the next two or three years, but I don't think I'm ready to give this up yet. And I can't exactly say I'm very good at picking up new relationships anyway; I don't even really have a "type," since my type is based largely on my (most likely inaccurate) perceptions of which guys have the potential for the kind of marriage I want someday. I don't want to spend my time with someone who views marriage more flippantly, just to accidentally slide into a life together because we've created a history.

I don't know. I think too much.