Where the ol' ancestors came from . . . because I'm still awake.

Tewkesbury, England (E of Wales)

London, England

Essex, England (NE of London)

Norfolk, England (NE of London)

Newcastle Upon Tyne, England (S of Scotland)

Perth, Scotland (W of Dundee)

Durstel, France (W of Bas-Rhine, Alsace, FR & Strasbourg)

Lorraine, FR (NW of Strasbourg)

Moutier, Berne, Switzerland (SW of Basel)

Midlechtern, GE (somewhere around Frankfurt am Main)

Schifferstadt, Ludwigshafen, Rheinland-Pfalz, GE (SW of Frankfurt am Main)

and a whole bunch of unknown Scottish, English, Irish, & German towns, not to mention supposedly some Nederlander background/heritage

Update!!!

I have a running partner! BAB. :) My roommate. So that's cool. Also, had friend"s" over last night, but one of them (*cough* Adam *cough*) texted me at the last minute to let me know he wasn't going to be able to make it. . . . So it was just me and Daniel. Which was really weird at first, because Adam had done the same thing when we drove to see Harry Potter and the Latest Book Title. It was kind of embarrassing, to be honest, because, though I had nothing to do with it, I felt really uncomfortable with the idea that Daniel might not know that. But the awkwardness subsided, and we had food and talked. It was nice to interact with another human being for once, besides Army training and the occasional short chat in the kitchen with Beth Ann. Those are nice, too; this was just for an extended period of time. It was enjoyable.

I need to start boxing my crap up and getting ready to take it home. I need to apply for subbing jobs. I'm also thinking about applying as a hospice and animal shelter/ASPCA volunteer, since I'll have so little time on my hands for the whole. month. of September. I can only watch classic movies for so long. (Okay, that's been a lie so far.) I need to finish this power of attorney thing for Cody and get all the final paperwork around for the Army. Short list, though.

Early Christmas List

Yeah, I'm doing this in late August. Because chances are, November/December will roll around, and my parents and brother will bug me for ideas. And I'll have none, because I will have forgotten. (And hey, this is stuff I can honestly live without haha. I'm not very materialistic; I can never think of anything on the spot.) So, to avoid the strife, while I have a few ideas, I'm recording them, to avoid the usual strife and tension later when I generally make people in my family angry haha. Anyway.

"The Wall" by Pink Floyd.

"Road to XLI" DVD set with Super Bowl XLI and the AFC championship on my golden birthday. (Full games! How awesome!)

Yeah, that's it. Might amend this later, but maybe not.

. . . Scratch that, I bought myself "The Wall" with an iTunes gift card. Thanks, Aunt Nancy! :)

Ponder-O-some

Random musings before bed.

1. I haven't had much of an appetite lately, and now some of my food has expired. So THAT'S why it was on sale! Close to the expiration dates . . . last week. :/ haha okay then.

2. I should have taken more time out of work, etc. for homework. It's a 8,000-yd. sprint from here on out to graduate.

3. I killed my PT test today. As in, it died on the operating table, and I was the toe tag. (If it's not obvious from that, that I mean it in a bad way, well, here's sayin'.) I couldn't even run the whole thing, and I did worse in every event. Good news: I start running again next week. Looking for a partner, if anyone actually reads this AND is interested. (Wait, wait, we did this one in genetics when we were doing probabilities! Slim chance x slim chance = very tiny decimal.) I also beat three guys, apparently. Which is just downright sad, since I wasn't anywhere near my running time.

Total Care

So I totalled my car on Wednesday. Actually, my dad had taken mine out of commission to fix it and sell it, so it was my brother's car that was totalled. Yeah, don't I feel like such a douche. (That's a yes there.) Anyway, though, everybody's fine. The other guy had been drinking, but the accident was my fault. I misread a traffic light while lost in Noblesville. He apparenly had cuts on his face, and my friend, Kendall, had cuts on her chin and left wrist, armpit, and chest, along with the usual bruises. I was lucky to walk away (or rather, hobble) with a sprained right foot and left ankle and an unhappy-but-fine left knee, along with some burns from the airbag and the usual bruises left by a seatbelt. We were lucky because the other guy hit us far enough toward the front (hard) that kendall was able to get away with just cuts and bruises. Also, I wouldn't have trusted the airbags in my car; my dad was surprised these ones worked because they hadn't been recharged. We had barely any burns, and I went back to work on Friday. I was really lucky not only to not have any broken bones (which could have ended my Army career before it started) or seatbelt harness bruises, but I was blessed in that my feet, and not my arms or wrists, were sprained. That meant I could carry furniture, risers, etc. at work even while gimping. At least I could pick things up. And everybody at work, including my boss, was really considerate and flexible with my slow and tentative gait. I found out that Cody might be able to break even on a new (used) car, and I didn't get a ticket, which saves me from more paperwork and "were-you-really-this-careless" looks in the Army. I was able to pay the wrecker bill on Thursday,and the car was hauled to my house for free (or the cost of a AAA gold membership -- thanks, Dad) on Friday. I wasn't able to see Chuck Howell get married, but I'll get to see the new couple at my going away party in August. Through all of this, God has been faithful, more than I had ever expected or could ever ask for. My pain has been minimal, more like the occasional ache, and my recovery has been short, though I still limp a bit now. Anyway, in case any of you have noticed that hunk of white metal in my driveway, that's the story behind it.

(I didn't spell check, so I apologize for the lack of proofreading.)

"Here I Go Again . . . "

I know it's almost 5 in the morning, so this has to be quick. (I'm going to the Running Store in the morning with Beth Ann before she leaves for camp.) I'm trying to get back on track. Spiritually, emoionally, mentally (thought life), and even organizationally. This is also Chocolate Week, a week in which normal women generally go insane via feelings of inadequacy or extreme emotion. On top of that, BAB and I were trading stories about our amusing encounters with seemingly great guys last week while she was in Georgia.

All that said, today feels like one of those Singles' Awareness Days, except that it should really be called "Couples' Awareness Day." I just found out that three of my friends, whom I know were engaged, finally tied the knot. (No, I'm not talking about a Mormon wedding.) Two others just had kids, and, aside from my 20-year-old little brother being engaged, another (read: one more) friend of mine is engaged. (I didn't even know she was dating anyone. It's funny how we all lose touch.) Of my two best friends, one is getting married in a couple weeks, and the other is in a semi-serious relationship, just without that term "relationship" to stick onto it. But nonetheless, it is a relationship. I know all these people have high standards and have met wonderful people, so I'm really happy for them. I just feel a little more alone sometimes, though.

It got brought up recently in a conversation that I've rarely dated. As in, twice. Not your long-term relationships, either. I'm sick of flirtatious guys who aren't actually interested and those who just need a body with whom to make out, etc. I'm sick of feeling led on, and I'm sick of getting emotionally involved only to find out that it was just a waste of time. My mom keeps telling me to settle, basically, but I don't think I'm really so old that I have to lower my standards. Heck, if I took my mom's advice, I might settle for someone who wasn't even a Christian, but I've been down that road before and realized how stupid a choice that would be for me. The older I get, I think, the more I know myself and, following that, what kinds of things I can and can't live without.

Anyway. With all the people around me dating off and on and getting hitched, it's a bit scary to think that my life has been one long dry spell (haha). Maybe I won't get the chance to get married without "settling", or maybe any sort of romantic life just won't start any time soon. Maybe I'm just being that uber-emo, sappy, whiny little girl who just needs to mop up my sniveling, bloody heart. I'd agree pretty emphatically with that. Regardless, I have opportunities that I'm wasting here. I'm really considering an opportunity that I came across to get inolved in someone else's life, but who nows what I'll end up doing. This life is just not always cutting it, though. Something's gotta give.

Hey Now, Hey Now, Don't Dream It's Over . . .

Sometimes I have dreams in which we are still the same, close old friends that we used to be. It's nice. I wish it was that way again, but I know it's not meant to be anymore. It's sad, but I've come to accept it. I still wish you the best, but I am walking in my own direction, wishing you well in yours and knowing that we will likely never cross paths again after I leave completely. And at least I have those dreams to warm my hands by on a cold day.

Second announcement: I'm having a going-away party (code name: cookout!) at the Ithaca Park in Ithaca, MI on August 9th. You're all invited. Please come dressed ridiculously. :D Forrealzyo, it's not a big deal, just a chance to eat hot dogs and the like with people with whom I enjoy eating hot dogs (or with whom I expect to enjoy eating hot dogs). (I like using "forrealzyo" and "with whom" in the same sentence.) Please bring only yourself, any significant other (they have to eat, too!), and any children or grandchildren you may have by this time in life (but they have to starve . . . jk).

I apologize if any part of this post has been offensive, moronic, or otherwise irritating. C'est la vie. Also, Josh Christy, I know you won't be able to make it, but please come in spirit. :)

. . . and just like that . . .

It's amazing how something as simple as a couple of songs, with intention, can change everything. Just hit by this tonight (crept into my thoughts and immediately changed my attitude upon hearing it):

"God is bigger than the air I breathe,
This world we'll leave,
And God will save the day,
And all will say,
'My Glorious'

The world's shakin' with the love of God,
Great and Glorious, let the church bells ring.
And all You ever do is change the old for new.
People, we believe that

God is bigger than the air I breathe,
This world we'll leave,
And God will save the day,
And all will say,
'My Glorious, My Glorious'"

Maybe it's also partly because I just read a book that kind of looks at the transience of life and the sort of stream of time that connects us all, but shoot. My life will end one day, and God will still be bigger. He has bigger things, huge things that I can't imagine that he deals with. My life will be short and transient, so how much less important are these "light and momentary troubles"? (Brit punctuation.) That's not to say that God doesn't care, but these "downs" are temporary and are not the end of the world, mine or anyone else's. I might as well make my attitude a good one to make my blink of an eye a good one.

Also had a thought tonight: I'm so blessed to have a place to live, a job, food, and a car in this economy. There are people who can't afford to pay their rent at all, let alone on time. I'm not starving, and I don't haven't been left destitute by any illness or natural/manmade disaster, either. I didn't even have hail damage! And another thought — it's really unfair to punish the new one for the old one. Cryptic enough? Haha probably easy to figure out. Goodnight. :)

"It's pressed between pages that you'll read if you're so inclined . . . "

Television numbs us from the reality around us. Or maybe, it not only numbs us from what is, but creates some dramatic what is not that fools us into thinking it might be or become our own reality. I doubt that made any sense.

I've taken time off from watching TV over the last week.

My evenings aren't spent wondering what will happen on next week's episode, whether I've caught or missed the last episode right now.

I'm starting to miss the anesthetic.

My hope was that I would be able to sustain myself and deepen my relationships with other people. Except that, after work, I have no people. I have no money for even the most basic of groceries and household needs, let alone trying to do something for others. All I have is time . . . but what if no one wants or needs that?

I haven't had quality time with anyone since last Tuesday night's hockey game. The feeling I have from being around people at work goes away after an hour or two. Then I realize that I have hours to stretch on and on by myself, like a big factory with its cold, automated, unchangeable schedule. I keep reminding myself that I'll be home again this weekend, but even that will only last me a few days.

I was not created to be this solitary.

I'm becoming more comfortable around myself; it's not that. It's just that, when I'm alone all the time, my life, my thoughts, my everything revolves around me. It's so self-centered. I need to be able to serve. I need to be able to love on others. I need mission (which I am probably using out of context).

Other than studying, I have no higher purpose other than to keep on existing and to "better myself." It's difficult to do that for me, though, and not for someone else or some other reason than just because all the time.

I have no one to walk beside me in real life, in real time, in person. My family has been great, a little concerned for me, lately, but great. I just need proximity. I need conversation. I need a common purpose or a common affection. I feel like I'm in a vague and hazy "solitary confinement" every night now.

My head keeps drifting back to, "Watch some Army wives. Watch some Bones. Watch some [fill in the blank]. It will occupy you and help kill time." But that's nowhere near what I was created for, and it's not worthwhile. People are reaching the end of their lives, and all I'm doing is plotting how to make mine go by faster, more meaninglessly?

My heart keps returning to, "If only you had someone to share your life with, you wouldn't be so lonely." But I can't shovel a heavy mire of loneliness onto one person. That's not right, not healthy, and never successful. (I've noticed myself doing this in the past relationships and almost-relationships I've had, so I know that for certain.) Instead of waiting, praying, and hoping to be lifted out of the miry pits by the one who can support my weight, I'm trying to scrape the crusty layer of "mire" off the top of me and dig my way out, lifting myself out by burying someone else in all that muck.

Smothering only leads to loneliness, anyway. I don't know if I could trust myself not to place heavier expectations on a friendship right now than would be healthy any more than I could depend on myself to avoid the same in any sort of romantic relationship. I need more than relationships, or they would fill that void. I think it comes back to mission. I need to be able to spread myself out, because all of my energies and attentions can be a bit — well, much. I need people. I need different ways to love people. I need to fulfill my purpose in multiple, possibly unrelated ways. I need a little water to my raspberry lemonade, because without it, I will just be too sour for anything or anyone.

And all the while, these easy fixes and numbing agents vie for my thoughts and my focus. Thank God only one is even an option now, or I'd be twice as likely to do something stupid.

"Does He ever get the girl?"

Random memory . . .

I was looking through a friend's photography portfolio on facebook and saw a 4-H sign in the background of one of her pictures. And before I could stop myself, this little mantra popped into my head from back in the ol' days:

"I pledge my head to clearer thinking,
My heart to greater loyalty,
My hands to larger service,
And my health to better living
For my club, my community, my country, and my world."

Now if only there was the smell of sawdust, manure, and wet steers . . .

Qu'est-ce que c'est ?

http://ancientwayinapost-modernworld.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-is-my-faith-story.html

Thanks, Josh. Just the fact that you read and cared enough to respond means a lot.

For me, it's been a conglomeration of things. I have met with so many people questioning things and so many propundants of ideas that I don't see in the Bible (or that seem so contradictory to what seems "right"). There have been so many inconsistencies in what I've read and what I've seen and heard. I have read conservative views of passages in the Bible that, if the Bible is to be read literally, would be right! (Example: women in the church passage.)

On the other hand, the church constantly preaches eternal salvation, while Hebrews 6:4-6 states, “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.” Hebrews 10:26 also states, "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God." I believe that much of sin is intentional, because we know, for example, that we shouldn't be gossipping, but do it anyway. Lying is intentional. Lots of things are intentional. So, if it can't be forgiven, and that sin stands in the way of God and me, what's the point in trying to get back to God with an unremovable roadblock between us?

In the past couple years, I confessed some pretty big stuff (hoping for accountability and a "public" confession) to a few people who had three responses: a) a sort of uncomfortable "I don't want to hear this" and a change of subject, followed by a total avoidance of that conversation from then on; b) "I'm glad you can tell me this," followed by no accountability; and c) "That's fine; I've done worse" or "I'm have no right to judge," followed by actual encouragement to continue down the road I've tried to get away from. What I've discovered is that the people who are the least judgmental are often also the least able to help. The most likely to help, however, can't get over their sanctimony to even be approachable or helpful.

I've also been exposed to the whole "Creation vs. Evolution" debate (does it really matter how God did it? sheesh), the issue of the Trinity (an idea molded by man based on interpretations of the Bible, but not shared by all and described as heresy and idolatry by the Jews), the whole faith/works dynamic (Eph. 2:8, the sheep and the goats, James 2:20), etc. For example, if I get married, I have to submit to my husband's will, even when I believe he is wrong, because I have no say? And he doesn't have to submit because he is the man/husband and doesn't have a chromosome in common with a dead woman who gave a piece of forbidden fruit to a dead man? And I know that this has been the traditional (now the most conservative) reading of this text for 2,000 years! I believe that this is unjust, and if this conservative view is not truth, then how do I know the Trinity is? So those guys we trust to have been inspired by the text were actually wrong (or at least misguided) on one part but right on all the other parts? Then why should we trust that they were divinely inspired? When Paul gives his opinions on marriage, we just trust that his opinions were right, because, hey, he was Paul, right? He himself says that he's only going on opinion there, though. Sex outside of marriage — a cultural or philosophical thing? It's not specifically in the Bible. Closest I can get is, "Daughters of Zion, I charge you by the gazelles and the does of the field, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Don't get me wrong, here, I would advocate against premarital sex and messing around for a whole slew of other reasons anyway.)

I have more questions than answers, and all I can get when I try to find answers is opinions. But truth, aletheia, is much higher than a yahoo forum or ask.com entry. I can't settle for opinions. Who knows.

Once Upon a Time?

It feels like my faith has become a thing of the past. I've spent so much time working on other things, dealing with things on my own, asking questions and getting no answers that I don't really feel connected anymore, even when I'm really trying to reconnect. I feel like I've been "reconstructed," not by professors, not surrounded by other people asking the same questions and searching for the same answers, but by situations and things I've been exposed to, witnessed, heard. I don't know if it's not too late to be reconstructed. My friends anymore are mostly "non-practicers" and atheists or those who seem really into nonconformity for difference's sake. I guess I fall into that "different is good" category a bit, too. I would just like to find truth, but the truth is, that I've made such a muddle out of my life and my faith that I've practically gone back to stale, lifeless, spiritual infancy. I've made those bad choices, all along knowing they were the wrong ones. I've confessed to ears that turned away and eyes that refused to look at me, lips that either went silent or changed the subject. I don't have any of the answers anymore, at least not in community. And I'm not a firm believer in the "individualistic" faith surviving. Without community, we die. I'm dyin' here.

Just holdin' on and hoping that I can get my spiritual cup refilled, even though the cup's a bit tarnished now. I've tried and given up or lost focus or turned around so many times that I don't even trust myself anymore to commit to recommitting.

A Hard Rain's A-Been Fallin' Long Enough

. . . I think I'm done. Let's call this what it is. It's nothing.

Glimpses at the Center of the Thing

Talking to Eli today reminded me of something. I am desperate for community. I desire to love deeply and completely, and to be loved in return with the same force and openness, but I guard myself against it at the same time. I form transient attachments. For whatever reason, this is especially true with other women. My group of girls now, I can honestly say, will probably not be my lifelong friends, much as they are great people. I hope that, by realizing this and trying to figure it out, that will change. Anyway.

Most of my closest friendships are with either men or with women I would class as more masculine than feminine. One friend and I came to the mutual understanding the other day that, if we're not "phone friends" with someone, relationships with that person just don't last once the face time fades. Which makes sense, right?

I have known for a while what I'm like in romantic relationships, and it's not good. I'm so desperate to find some way to give myself away, without abandon, to someone, something that I tend to be the follower, the one desperate to hold everything together. It's good on the level of commitment, but not so much on the level of self respect and emotional distance. That's the pattern with vulnerability for me in general. I stave off true vulnerability until I finally make an attempt to be truly open, but all these rare flashes of vulnerability come out instead as powerful jabs laden with expectations. They're more of an attack than a gift, because I already expect to be burned (which makes me try that much harder after each interval of aloofness).

I don't want the personality type that draws one into abusive relationships. I am a self-reliant woman, a proud woman, at least as far as my independence, and I know that I don't need someone else to complete me. It's not really about a relationship, although that seems to be the most obvious area in which I express these behaviors. (I sound like a head shrinker, huh?)

I want to share myself with someone who cares. That's just it. It makes me a people pleaser and sometimes makes me feel much weaker than I should feel about myself, but it's there. I want to love deeply and give so much of myself it hurts (which is just sickeningly emo, let's tell the truth here). But that is not a relationship. That is not about another person. This is about me, unfortunately. And it shouldn't be.

I know that everyone's supposed to have a God-shaped hole, right? Well, isn't becoming a Christian, a walk with God supposed to fill that hole? God is the one I should be loving without abandon. I guess my concept of God is just so ethereal, so abstract, though, that it's hard for me to find fulfillment in loving God. I don't even know what it means to love God.

I had a professor once that was a trained psychologist with years of experience. He told our class, "There are two types of people who engage in relationships for the wrong reasons. Those in the first group think that, by getting someone to love them, they'll find happiness. The other group is made up of those who think that, if they can just find someone to love, they'll be happy. The problem is, neither of these things can make you happy. You have to find happiness inside yourself, not in a relationship. You can't make another person responsible for your happiness."

I don't know what I should be doing right now. I just don't feel that what I'm doing is enough. I feel disconnected from the people around me, and I can't see the needs for those around me, even when I look. I'm living selfishly, and I can't figure out what I should be doing differently. It's so frustrating! My complacency and my attempts to break out of it irk me equally.

My relationship with my Abba has changed. I feel like I'm in the teenager (or twenty-something) stage right now, where I'm just getting past rebellion, but slightly jaded from the process, at least temporarily. I don't believe in the same way I used to believe, not innocently and without complication. We don't talk as often as we used to, and even when I try to really listen, I don't always hear his voice. I know what unabashedly giving myself to God felt like and looked like in the past, but, in this new world, this new person I've become, I don't know where the puzzle pieces fit, exactly. I don't know what it looks like to give myself wholeheartedly. What does that even mean?

I guess I'm more confused than ever. But at least I know that this isn't about other people; it's a God thing. I trust that it will work out, though I'm not good with patience. Maybe this time is about learning that clay sometimes just has to sit still while it's being reshaped.

"And the wisdom to know the difference . . . "

Questions for an Older Man . . .

I was taking a bath tonight while reading a great book for class (Dreams of Sleep by Josephine Humphreys), and I started imagining questions that I would love to ask some guy, either married or previously married, in maybe his thirties or forties. (No one in particular in mind, just the expectation of an interesting perspective.)

Why do what seems like most married men compartmentalize their lives according to the roles they play — husband, father, employee, lover (to another) . . . ? How does that become so easy? Why does that become so easy? I don't know. I could be completely wrong here, but it seems like the infidelity problem in lots of marriages isn't necessarily the result of some evil, completely ill-intentioned blackguards, but the symptom of husbands (spouses is more of a fair term, but this has only happened with the men in my family) who feel duty-bound to their spouses, but romantically bound to someone else. I'm not trying to condemn, because I think this is just a symptom of something else. But what . . . ?

Did we use to be better people, with more integrity? The easiest answer is yes, but I know plenty of people who believe great things, who do great things, things that are beautiful and good and true. I have also met those older than me who used to be just like these others when they were my age, but somehow — do we just lose it, somehow? Is it even related? Can one be a person of integrity and have an affair? I don't know anymore. The act itself is appalling to me, but I don't know if a person can be defined as good or bad by simply one choice. Can a person have integrity and still make a heart-wrenching mistake (choice)?

How have we fallen into this mindset? Why have we bought into it? Is it really too much to expect another to provide one's life with romance and meaning and significance? It's these questions that give me pause as I think about relationships. It's so much easier to toy with the idea of a relationship than to trust that this is even possible anymore. I believe it's possible for a few to escape this thought pattern, but how should I know if and when I'll ever meet one of those few? If I'll be one of those few? I come from people who threw in the towel, family members who gave in to compartmentalization. Time and time and time and time again, I've seen it happen, whether marriages ended due to infidelity, or other marriages lumbered down a lonely path, with two silent strangers walking side by side and staring into opposite directions for the rest of their life, the stale space in between still void of fulfillment and love.

I don't know if I can trust in this married world I see. The world for people my age, for the happily unmarried, seems to hold much more longevity and satisfaction, if one can learn to face the sun through the periods of loneliness. I crave intimacy, I really do. I don't know if I can convince myself, though, that the flowers on the other side of the fence aren't annuals, and those on my side, perennials.

I know that this sounds entirely pessimistic, but I don't mean for it to be that way. I enjoy my life. I enjoy the freedom to enjoy friendships with men that haven't yet needed to be modified to avoid the impression of impropriety, not that I have improper friendships anyway. (Still, any woman will know what I'm talking about.) I don't have to worry that "hanging out with the guys" will somehow bother a significant other. I have the freedom to explore different job opportunities, travel wherever I want, spend my money without wondering what other purchases I need to make room for in my checkbook. . . . I have free time.

Less than six months ago, I was debating whether or not I should actually join the Peace Corps or whether I should remain in Anderson, instead; I was happy in a relationship with a guy who made it clear that he wouldn't want to move to a long-distance relationship. Now, I'm going to South Carolina in October, then to California for at least a year and a half before I move to some new place. I'm going to learn to speak Arabic! I'm so happy for my brother and his girlfriend, who, I would assume, will get married in the next two or three years, but I don't think I'm ready to give this up yet. And I can't exactly say I'm very good at picking up new relationships anyway; I don't even really have a "type," since my type is based largely on my (most likely inaccurate) perceptions of which guys have the potential for the kind of marriage I want someday. I don't want to spend my time with someone who views marriage more flippantly, just to accidentally slide into a life together because we've created a history.

I don't know. I think too much.

In Bad Need of a Shower . . .

It's 6:36 am, and I still have to finish up a paper, print a bunch of stuff off, shower, finish my questions for my 9 am presentation and email/print them off to my group, check and see if my brother's friend has been able to stick a phone number on our video (or if the dern thing's just fine the way it is), study for a test at 10 am, and gas up my car to take my friend to the airport between classes today. And then I have class at 1 and work from 2-4. Esta noche, ¡dormiré!

Aside from all that toxic whining, I really just wanted to say that I'm currently in love with The Strokes, The Shins, and Arctic Monkeys, and Blink-182 is keeping my mood elevated. I'm slimy and need a shower. My face feels like Haven pizza (which is never a good sign, as far as I'm concerned).

Weird aside. I got two calls from the Army today, one from my PT sergeant and another from the AKO peeps, who just left me this vague message to call them back, at such-and-such extension. Huh. The other call was about getting ahold of somebody who might be thinking about joining up and has some questions, so that one's not really any big. I'm not really biased; I went into this with my eyes wide open. I can say that everybody's been pretty forthright when I asked the right questions. Anyway. They weren't anywhere near as bad as I'd heard "those daggone recruiters" were. Pretty great people, actually. Anyway. Good night, or good early morning. :)

Oh, and Radiohead. I'm also in love with Radiohead. Especially the acoustic version of "Creep." Loooooooove itttt!!!!!!!

And The Ravens, They Are A-Cawin'

Anderson University is in the Chicago Tribune again, and no, it's not for our dance policy. A group of current students ages 21 and over decided to protest AU's alcohol policy yesterday during its 10 am chapel by marching down to a local bar, Kroakerheads, and having a very public drink, with local media and campus security there to observe. This march was prefaced the night before when members of the group scattered two garbage bags full of empty alcohol bottles across campus, which were cleaned up by campus police that same night. Harried school officials, blindsided by the swarm of local media attention, are currently holding talks with the student body about the alcohol policy, while condemning yesterday's demonstration. Through all of this, I can't help but think, do any of these students know how big an issue they're taking on?

Yes, Jesus did say, "John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.' The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and 'sinners.' But wisdom is proved right by all her children" (Luke 7:33-35). In other words, "Quit arguing, you chuckleheads. It's okay to drink (responsibly) and not to drink. To each his own! It's the other stuff that matters." This should not be a big, dualistic debate, although it's already leaning that way. This should not be a case of "us versus them." The actions of these students portrayed a lack of respect and trust for the administration, as well as a display of ill will. The administration should be given a chance to listen to students' concerns and respond to them before we assume the worst.

Second, I doubt that many realize that the administration's hands are tied anyway. Anderson University has a Board of Trustees that have the difficult task of making the big decisions to keep AU fiscally afloat. President Edwards and the Student Life staff are subject to the Board's decisions. They were hired by the university as enforcers; out of all these people only President Edwards is even on the Board. I would imagine that the individuals who met with students tonight are the hands and feet of the Board and not those who create the rules themselves. It is unfair to demonize these individuals or attack them, because they are responsible for executing the rules, but I doubt they could change them without the Board's support.

Third, this is not a Church of God school, but it is. Most of our scholarships come from Church of God members; this means that, while the Church of God no longer has its name on all the signs, in effect, it serves to financially "back" the university. What this means for students is that we are subject to the attitudes of the church and those of its members who choose to donate to endowments and building projects and the like. If this little shenanigan from yesterday upsets one of these individuals, he or she just might decide to end his or her support of the university, essentially leaving one or more of next year's students with more money to come up for school and in this struggling economy to boot. I have heard that the university actually crunched numbers for this and determined that student tuition would rise by seven thousand dollars. I would assume that would merely represent the loss to the budget and not even to scholarships themselves. These actions have consequences not only for those students who chose to demonstrate, but for those who did not.

Fourth, this issue is tied up in the history of the Church of God. As part of the Holiness movement, the Church of God has historically focused on the "you are called to be in the world, but not of the world" verse. The old dance policy was one example of this. The church believed that we were called to something higher, and this should be reflected by in our lives, which should be visibly focused on higher things than the corruption of the world. This included dancing, playing cards, watching movies, wearing make-up, and drinking alcohol. Thus was the Holiness movement was associated with the temperance movement. This unfortunately led to a system where, as many older Church of God members now say, "You were as holy as the number of buttons on your shirt." The Church of God does not officially condemn alcohol use anymore, but this does not negate an unspoken institutional policy still tinged with these attitudes. As such, the best of intentions have essentially demonized certain acts, et cetera, the last surviving form of this being seen in this stance on alcohol.

Fifth, lessening the severity of the alcohol policy opens the door for further abuse. Everyone knows that some AU students still abuse alcohol under the current policy, but those who may be turned off from partying by the strict policy and its harsh penalties might just be those who later go to excesses. If of-age students are allowed to get drunk off campus, they would pose a danger not only to themselves, but to those on the roads if these students choose to drive. If they return to campus, drunk students would inevitably cause disruptions in the dorms and across the main body of campus. This is not what we want, either.

Honestly, I think the administration's hands are tied. It's not a matter of students having no voice; I think it's more a matter of the Board of Trustees' understanding of the full financial effect of such a decision upon individual students, as well as the consideration of the possibilities of increased alcohol abuse by students. The current policy, however, is inadequate. There is no reason why alcohol in and of itself should be condemned, as it inherently is in this policy and the policy for faculty; the only problem with alcohol that is mentioned in the Bible is drunkenness. This is what we should try to control, and this is what the policy should restrict, not the legal and responsible use of alcohol by students and faculty, or the fault of being in the presence of such activity. Since such a change to the policy would still be nigh impossible, and students would still be likely to face further economic hardship, I think the best option at this point is for the policy to remain the same, although I still dislike it.

PFC Rhynard

I enlisted yesterday; swore in at MEPS (Military Entrance & Processing Station) after the longest day ever on one hour of sleep. Freeway noise and I did not make friends on Sunday night. Anyway, I'm now PFC (Private First Class) Rhynard of the United States Army! :D And I'm kinda excited about it, as you can probably tell. :)

I got the linguist job, although it's still dependent upon one more thing, which should turn out fine. I'm shipping out of Indianapolis to Ft. Jackson in Columbia, SC on October 6 for Basic Combat Training (BCT; 9 weeks, 4 days, please write), and then I start Advanced Individual Training (AIT) in Monterey, CA at the DLI (Defense Language Institute) on February 1, 2010. (The military loves it some abbreviations.) As to what I will do and where I will live in the meantime, I have no clue. Nor do I know when I will find out when the Army will decide what language I will learn and whether I will become a signals intelligence officer or a cryptologic linguist. (I'm hoping for the latter.) It's all up in the air.

All I know is that I just have this little Army bag to hold all my worldly possessions to take to boot camp, and, as a woman, former camp counselor, and generally overprepared overpacker, that is intimidating and disappointing. ;) haha but I guess I can buy the bug spray, foot powder, and everything else I will deem necessary at the post when I get there, and they won't take it away from me. I will miss my dear little iPod, my cell phone, my friends and family (of course!), the internet, and, to a large extent, Colts football (!!!) while I'm at boot camp. Can someone promise to DVR each game? Haha. (But I'm so serious. If any one wants to . . . I'd be forever grateful haha.)

And now, I feel like I'm in limbo. I really want to start running outdoors now, though. Anybody interested in joining? I am pathetically unmotivated when it comes to running alone; I can't stand the lack of companionship and the diversion that companionship provides. Anyway. If anyone feels like running 3-4 miles a day, 4-5 days a week . . . get at me. :)

My bed and Fred the Giraffe beckon. Goodnight, all. :)

Away for Too Long

I've decided to start memorizing Scripture again. I've decided on these (might as well focus on a theme, to keep things related).

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 5:7-8

"But you, man of God, flee from all this [love of money], and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 6:11

"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." - 1 Peter 2:11

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." - James 2:17. If I ever get a tattoo, I think I might like to get this verse somewhere.

I'd really like to write a little each day, spend time with God in prayer and listening to his words, and maybe even keep up this schedule for studying. I'm really not the Dani/Danielle (depends on who you ask haha) who can stick to the plan, who doesn't set herself up to sabotage her own plans. I know that that girl is a possibility for me, though, and I'd like to make her a part of my reality. I don't even realize how much sabotaging myself can sabotage others in turn, with broken plans, delayed deadlines, cock-eyed efforts, and late or missed appointments. I can honestly say I've gotten much better on these things, but they still rub me like a hair shirt. I want to start looking at discipline and buckling down as the positive things they can be, not the restricting cages they can become if handled improperly.

I have this gift of encouragement, and I don't use it. I'm afraid of maybe going too far with this, like I've done in the past, and casting other things aside as a result of going overboard in this area, honestly, but I think I can compromise and try to leave it at situational encounters for now, make the most of where I'm already at sort of thing. I have a few ideas in mind; we'll see.

Also, I can't stand when people are insincere. I say this in the understanding that I myself am not always sincere, though I can sometimes get away with the semblance of it. I really want to become more transparent (which starts with cleaning up my act, for me) so that I don't really have anything to hide. I guess transparency is hardest for me because I feel like it requires near-perfection and plainness. The blunt truth, though, is that, I'm complex, no matter how simple I'd like to be, and I'm a bit of a mess at times. I need to check myself every once in awhile when I confuse transparency with modeling (Bandura-style, not catwalk-style). It doesn't matter what I've been taught I need to become to be a "good Christian." If that's a Barbie box I can't fit into, then maybe there's a different box made just for me. I think that's real Christianity.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, or if it's just here for my own cathartic benefit, but if you see me, please, call me out on any of this. Haha make me tell you one of these verses, or ask me if I've been sticking to my schedule or if I've been messing around and wasting time. Ask me if I've been late for anything. Heck, ask me anything — and I'm serious. I want to become transparent. Can't walk the walk without it.

The Holiday time

I guess it's just something that creeps up on me every once in awhile, but I get into this overly sentimental, girly-girl mood (adult terminology escapes me at 3:15 am). It probably has something to do with hormones or something, a bit to do with the fact that I went dancing last night (which is why I slept in so late today and thus am still awake now), and something to do with the fact that I've been so busy lately that I've been cut off from everyone. As the fog of my community warms off, so does my tough self-reliance.

Tonight, I had the urge to watch a chick flick. The Holiday, in fact. And I can't help but identify with the characters. Although I've never been in that intense, "unrequited love" situation or experienced that cheating boyfriend scenario (well, mostly), I've been the awkward, quirky one, the complicated mess and the verbal vomiter.

I've gotta say, though, that my favorite character is Arthur. But I digress.

It would be really nice to find someone whose awkwardness I love and who loves mine in return. As in, someone of the opposite gender. Eventually. I'd just rather know now that it will happen later, because, in spite of high hopes, I can be a real cynic.

I want to be as compassionate as Iris, as wise as Arthur, as happily quirky as Miles, as optimistic (and as great an encourager of my kids' imaginations and as fun a parent, someday) as Graham, and as unabashed as Amanda. So many great characters. Now this is entirely too literary of me, but most "round" or non-stereotypical characters are negative characters, or somehow obviously unlikeable in some area of their personalities. These are all likeable and sympathetic characters, and you just can't really dislike them for their faults. I like that optimistic look at people as a whole -- that, somehow, our "pros" and our "cons" add up to something better than our "pros" alone, at least for someone. I want to find that. I want to embody that. And in the meantime, I want to think that's possible and make it possible.

Military Update *short*

Because I want a specific job, I would have to go to boot camp at a specific time. Basically, I would have to go to specialized training the week after boot camp was over, so my recruiter (one of them) has been trying to figure out which dates I could start boot camp on to take this position. It's all based on when they run a new batch into the DLI (Defense Language Institute). I'm really excited, because my mom has been hounding me about taking a bunch of time off after I finish up my classes in August.

On the school front, I think I've finally figured out what my second upper-division writing intensive will be for this summer. I talked to Dr. Shrock today about the possibility of taking Middle East as an independent study this summer, and I just emailed him about it. I'm hoping to get that ball rolling next week. I miss history classes, which I had forsworn never to take again (if I could help it) in high school. Apparently, though, my high school's history department was just crap, because my history class here with Dirck was one of my favorite classes here at AU. Going off of that, I've been chastised by other students for never taking a class with either Shrock or Murphy. I'm looking into a possible summer job as well (really, two jobs). Who knows what will come of it? Not I, said the sparrow.

Lastly, I will sell my body fluids for money tomorrow. I'm donating plasma for the first time. :) I'm finally going to face this fear of needles inflicting pain (I don't mind needles, as long as they don't hurt; in fact, I like to watch when I get immunizations or TB tests). Might as well man up for once. And making money doesn't sound all that bad right now, as I am still essentially unemployed. Thank God my dad covered another month's rent, although I loathe being so dependent in tough situations.

And my brother's rugby team is traveling to Wabash tomorrow to stomp some bootay (hopefully) at a scrimmage! I'll try to come if I'm done at the blood bank by the time they need to leave. With this weather, a good bout of goosebumps and shivers will be had by all.

Oh, yeah! And my roommate, Debbie, is leaving tomorrow morning for the great state of Washington. She'll be staying with a great lumberjack-professor of a man, Sean Sullivan, and I plan to live vicariously through her and visit my friend Sully in spirit. :) (Almost takes on a haunting connotation, which I'd prefer to avoid.) Seriously, though, it'll be weird to not have her around here for a whole week. I would be jealous of the fact that she gets to go see Sean in his element, except that seeing Sean is just great for anybody; I'm happy for her good fortune. :) She's planning to move out there this summer, another fact which might make me jealous, due to the sad lack of travel in my limited experiences, except that, heck, I'm going into the military and will go to one of the following for boot camp:

Ft. Benning - Ft. Benning, GA
Ft. Jackson - Colombia, SC
Ft. Knox - Louisville, KE
Ft. Leonard Wood - Waynesville, MO
Ft. McClellan - Anniston, AL
Ft. Sill - Lawton, OK

The DLI is in Monterey, CA, and then there's a Voice Interceptor training at Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, TX. Plus, I'd get a permanent duty station later, who knows where. So yep. Well, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. :)

Weird Gibbs dream.

I accidentally fell asleep prematurely around 6:30 or 7 tonight, and I just woke up at 8 because GroupWise dinged in that I had a new email. Anyway, I woke up from a weird dream.

I was working a homicide with NCIS, and I was the senior officer with a bunch of probationary officers that were training. Maya and Annie were there, and so was McGee, who was my brother. He was mad at me, and I was mad at him, for some reason. I was driving this car with Gibbs in the front and Annie and McGee in the back; I think Maya had ridden in the back as well at one point and left me her purse in the back seat, again, for some odd reason. Anyway, Gibbs went and questioned this woman, a suspect, who told us something about her sister being in this military hospital and in danger. Gibbs and, I believe, Maya stayed with the woman to check her alibi, etc. before going to the hospital. I drove us to the hospital while trying to patch things up with McGee, my brother, by telling him that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was really proud of him (I guess he had thought he had screwed something up, and I was trying to make show off and make him look worse?).

We got to the hospital, and I got separated from everybody else when I stayed back to help the newbies stay back and unload the gear from the van. Annie and McGee and whichever newby who was in the front passenger seat all went up to meet Gibbs. I got left with this Proby, and we got stuck in the lobby because I couldn't remember the room number. This kid, a guy who reminded me of Jordan from the Learning Center, apparently had Gibbs' number, but decided to call two other people instead. I felt guilty because I couldn't remember the special reason that Maya had left me her purse -- I knew she had left me something important in there. The kid told me that I should know the room number from the sister's interview, which I wasn't at, but I was frustrated that the information must be in Maya's purse, which I had left in the car (and no longer knew how to get to).

In the meantime, the kid tried the sister's house, then NCIS headquarters instead of Gibbs, Ziva, or Abby (the last two were also there now, apparently?). The nurse either couldn't remember the room number Gibbs had asked for, or couldn't give it to me for security/privacy reasons, and I was so frustrated with the Proby that I just decided to walk up each corridor and see if I saw one of our agents out in the hallway. I took off on my own, feeling only slightly guilty at leaving the kid, since he had the information anyway and would find it out in his turtle-slow own time.

I caught Gibbs in the hallway of the lobby, and we took the elevator down to the basement together as I vented my frustrations about this new Proby. He just smiled at me and told me to give the guy a chance and be patient. Then we met up with all the Probies (except the one I had left) in the basement (Ziva, Annie, Maya, and possibly McGee being upstairs with the patient), unloading another van in an evidence garage of some sorts. (I just remembered that the car I had been driving was the one I couldn't remember the location of. Crazy dream.) Tony was there, and Gibbs said something to him that frustrated and kind of embarrassed him — he'd screwed up somehow.

I followed Tony into the stairwell to talk to him and see if he was okay, and there was a tractor inside. It turned out that this basement had two garage entrances, and that was how these vehicles got in here. The stairwell was not a typical stairwell, in a room by itself, but was just off to the side of this mechanics garage (the other was an evidence garage). Just like with McGee, I tried to tell Tony that I was proud of him, but I tried to give Tony a hug (much safer when standing next to the person, instead of trying to drive and hug someone in the back seat). He flinched and moved away, and I sat down on the tire, reminiscing about my dad's old tractor, the 4020. I was saying that I couldn't remember if it was the big tractor or the little tractor, when a mechanic came in and said they needed to park another vehicle in there. I got the heeby jeebies about this guy, but we walked outside.

Suddenly, we were standing next to the driveway at my family's old farm, now in the daytime. (It had always been night-time before.) I don't remember if it was Tony, McGee, or my real-life brother now who stood next to me (whomever it was was definitely a brother of mine, though, in this section of the dream, and I really wanted to impress him) but we noticed that there were paramedics at the blue house across the street (our old family friends' old place, which was and is currently lived in by strangers). Then some country kid pulled into our driveway in a beat-up, old car and got out. This weird-looking, freaked-out, little kiwi bird ran toward me, and basically ran right at my boot. I kind of freaked out a little bit and kicked the poor, little thing -- sent it flying into the air, where it landed and started hobbling around. The kid driving the car said that I should kill it, but I didn't want to. I was kind of horrified that I had been able to hurt the poor, little thing in the first place, but then the kid showed me that I had somehow kicked one of its legs off when I freaked out. (The "boys" didn't care so much, being redneck country boys, but I felt bad and didn't want to fit in with those boyhood instincts to kill small animals. I could never shoot birds or squirrels with my brother, either.) I knew that the bird couldn't last for long and would probably die a long and painful death, so I asked the kid to kill it, but do it quickly and inflict the least amount of pain to the bird. He did.

Suddenly, my dad was there, and the kid and car were gone. My dad asked if we could take his team of (white) horses and his buggy down the road to check out the beautiful spring wildflowers that had popped up by the roadside, and I said that we could walk that far, but yes, the ride sounded nice. Then I woke up.

It's weird how much detail I remember. Enough to Freudian analyze me, probably (haha). All the NCIS stuff is easily explainable, since I was watching old episodes online before I fell asleep. Anyway. Just wanted to record my first and only NCIS dream for posterity's sake. Maybe I'll try to see if it has any significance later, but for now, I'm just satisfied that I had it. :)

. . . Drum Roll Please . . .

. . . I got a 99 on my ASVAB!!!! It's kind of like a perfect score, except that they don't count the areas that dominated me, such as the auto and mechanical sections. Gotta make the ol' man proud somehow (my dad was a master mechanic at one time, and I have ridiculously limited knowledge of anything car-related). I prayed and prayed and even got those pre-sports-competition jitters a few times throughout the day (week?). All I can say is, I shouldn't have done that well, so that's a God thing. That, and my soft major finally paid off somewhere! So yay. Since I got back around 8 and hadn't eaten all day, I capped off the night with a celebratory dinner at Hacienda with Maya and Annie. It was the first time I've been out to eat in . . . I can't honestly remember how long. I think . . . nope. I can't remember. (But yes, I put my most meandering thoughts on here.) We had some of the funniest, most awkward, awesomely girly conversations ever. Our waiter kept walking in at all the wrong moments (haha!), which made for some suppressed giggles and secret looks to try to see if he had heard anything of our conversation.

Highlight. "Eau de toilette. Did I say that right?"
"Technically, there's an l-apostrophe."
"So it's l'eau de toilette? So it means 'the eau of toilette.' What does eau mean, anyway?"
"Water."
"And toilette means . . . ?"
"TOILET!" - Annie
"Oh, I love this 60-dollar water of toilet! I like to dab a little bit of toilet water on my neck every day!" - bad fake something accent
Maya almost peeing her pants in my back seat.
So gloriously much funnier in my car last night. We were pretty slaphappy by this point.

In other news, I have decided that senioritis seems to be moving in with the weather, and it's affecting everyone differently. Some people, as my dear friend, Tyler Hazel, points out, just start to sever ties and isolate themselves. One of my friends has commented that she doesn't believe there's a point to making new friends or developing acquaintanceships (is that a word?) into friendships this late in the game. Others seem to be preparing for the shock of someone else's impending departures.

I can't quite commit, I guess. I feel the separation and isolation of being a fifth year (and an "old maid" who is happily unattached -- I mean that old maid bit entirely satirically, by the way, and with plenty of mirth), and I do have some people that I really wish I had time to develop friendships with before I graduate. There are some really interesting people that I've met this year, and it will be a shame to leave those stones unturned, but I would rather invest in what I have than what I could have. Maybe that's unwise; I don't really know.

On the flip side, I have developed some new or previously hazy friendships. Thank God all the boys graduated, so I can finally be one of the GIRLS!!!! (I'm fairly serious.) I miss the guys that I used to hang out with, but things change; people change. My best friend is engaged to a girl who, by all standards, seems to be a really great catch. Our friendship has to change, and that's already started happening. It's a fact of priorities, I guess. His priorities have to change. It's toughest when priorities don't mutually change directions (seems like a counterintuitive phrase, but it's not). When priorities don't always branch off in separate directions at the same trajectories and from the same point, well . . . it's just not fun. I don't know what the trick is. I could lie and say that I guess it's all in relishing what's left and letting go of what's not as easy, but, well, I don't know if that's really the truth.

My cousin had his 23rd birthday yesterday in Jamaica, with his new wife of four days, five now. Just had to interject that. I would have been seriously jealous if not for this absolutely April-or-Mayish weather in late February. Absolutely beautiful. And I use a lot of adverbs. But I digress. (Geek.)

I'm having a hard time trying to get my butt back in the gym and making time for devos sometime during the day. I'll be honest, it's come down to a negation of both. And it sucks. And I've also realized that, when my faith in God has sometimes waned over the past year, my belief and my faith in Christ hasn't. It seems odd to me. I guess it's because it's something a) verified by history, but more importantly, b) something I just know deep down, from my head, my heart, my gut, to the nerve endings in my toes. It seems impossible that I should doubt the presence of the hand that made me and made my savior. I guess I just doubt the omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence of that hand -- that, and the grace. Grace is something that I experience through the Son, but it seems that the Father is the creator and ultimate judge, not the giver of grace and mercy. I think I read too much of the Old Testament God and think of the New Testament as Jesus' territory, not his Father's. Hmm. Just puttin' it out there.

Oh, yeah, and if I want to become a linguist, which I do -- I'd love to learn Arabic -- my job title would be Electronic Warfare/Signal Intelligence Analyst, category 35W. I'm getting more than a little stoked here, folks. I would be a cryptologic linguist, except that I would receive the training through the Army instead of coming with previous knowledge. I can't wait to take the qualifying test and just get this show on the road!

But it's crazy-fool late, and I need sleep. I've been ready for bed since 9, but thought that, for once, I should actually update this thing well. So goodnight, adieu, and flocks of angels sing thee to thy rest! (or something like that)

Highlights of the day . . .

. . . Having breakfast with an old friend early this morning.
. . . Receiving flowers for the first time ever! (Okay, unless you count the ones I got at the end of my 8th grade basketball season, because, although my parents thought it was a waste of money, they were forced to buy them when the parents of all the other girls on the team ordered them. I've lived such a rough life, lol. *Insert self-mockery here*)
. . . Getting to chapel in roughly 7 minutes, while texting back and forth with Maya.
. . . Seeing Scott Martin again and hearing his perspective on race relations, his job transition, and his new organization!
. . . Getting laughed at for apparently digging into a book too deeply for one of Borders' quizzes in a little vocal review session with some other English majors before class. If that sentence even makes sense. (<--poor grammar) Anyway, it's not every day that I can say I've looked too far into a book for a Borders quiz!
. . . Playing a half a game of Life (first board game in how long?) with some of my girls in Mocha's. We were not all thrilled to get married and have babies, and Maya and I had to be boys, since most of the little people were missing. And we basically just guessed at the rules/money, since there weren't any directions haha.
. . . Bubble bath. It's been so longgggggg.
. . . Knowing my ASVAB is tomorrow. I'm still nervous, though. For a mechanic's daughter (and a farmer's daughter), I expect to be answer one question correctly at most on the mechanics section. I know what a transmission, alternator, and radiator all do, but I have no idea about which brakes have which parts and such. I know that disc brakes whine when wet; I can diagnose a bad fuel pump; I can recognize the whine of a bad belt; and I can tell the difference between a bad battery and a bad alternator. (Oh, yeah, and I can tell you that a tractor spike through a radiator tends to be bad news but makes for a funny story later on.) Other than that, I am lost. And most of that stuff isn't really test-question material anyway. Except the color my dad's face turned after the radiator started leaking. 8T Hmm.

Goodnight, all! (There's a particular quote from "The Princess Bride" that comes to mind, but I'm not violent.)

Take it or leave it

After rehashing just how awkward I feel around family at my cousin's wedding tonight, I have come to a hopefully more than half-hearted and temporary conclusion . . . I am who I am. With family, I am the knitter of my generation, I think. I'm the one who tries to keep in contact with everyone, and that seems to work fine. But, as I would of course happen to be the only "weird" cousin, as my dad accidentally pointed out tonight ("Danielle and I are the only two who don't have the coordination and the athletics. . . ." "No, you used to be quite the runner! Didn't you even run marathons?!") -- I just don't feel like I fit. So. New decision here.

Whether I fit or not is their problem. I'm throwing it out there as an "I want to spend time with you because we're family, and I don't want to just lose those ties, like we're already doing" sort of thing. If they're up for it, fine. If they think I'm crazy for it, well, then, I sadly overestimated them. If they just don't want to spend time with me because I don't fit in with them (I swear, every last one of them is crazy athletic, smooth, funny, intelligent, and considered very attractive (general comment; c'mon here, we don't have a family telephone pole) -- well, then that's just it, then. I'm finally becoming at least comfortable with who I am, and I don't think that their initial impressions of who I am necessarily do me the most justice. I'm awkward and random, but I think that's something that many of my friends treasure as a part of the whole. So I don't know if I'm as weird or awkward or socially uncouth as they think I am. And if no one wants to hang out because of some limited impression of me, then that's not on me. I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt, though.

Saving for Later . . .

I got this as part of a women's daily devotional email today, and I really liked the part at the end. It's not really anything for now, but I'd like to pray this way for my husband some day, if I get married. It's based on 1 Corinthians 13.

If I teach Bible study classes, volunteer for the church women's ministry, and sing in the choir, but do not love my husband, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have a college degree, high paying job, and successful career, but do not love my husband, I am emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. If I have faith that can move mountains, am quick to pray for those in need, and even have half the Bible memorized, but do not love my husband, I am disobedient and do not please God. If I keep a spotless house, maintain a well manicured lawn, and prepare nutritionally balanced meals, but do not love my husband, it is all for naught. Hired hands can do as much.

Lord, help me to be patient. Help me to be kind. I pray that I will not envy others who have seemingly happier marriages and husbands that are more helpful around the house, thoughtful, or romantic. I pray that I will never try to lift myself up by putting my husband down. Lord, I pray that I will not be a proud woman who refuses to listen to her husband, who always has to have the last word, who always thinks her way is best. I pray that I will not be rude to my husband with curt comments, disregard his needs, and be ungrateful for all he does and is, but treat him with the respect and honor that the king of a castle deserves.

I pray that I will not be self seeking, always thinking about what is best for me, but thinking of what would be best for my husband. I pray that I will not be angered easily, not hold a grudge, not keep a record of wrongs, not plan ways to retaliate, and not use my tongue as a weapon to cause pain. I pray that I will not rejoice and say "I told you so" when things don't work out the way my husband hoped.

Lord, above all, I pray that my husband will see me as his chief cheerleader who desires to rejoice with him in his victories, both big and small. He will see me as one who longs to protect our marriage and our love. Help me to create a warm and loving environment in which he feels safe, wanted, and revered. I pray that you will give me endurance when things get tough. Help the word divorce to never enter my mind or cross my lips as an option. Lord, I know that love never fails and that You never fail. Fill me with your Holy Spirit to give me the endurance to stand up under trials and love my husband as You would have me love him -- till death do us part.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Turn the stereo down, and listen to the still, small voice, fool!

I think some of those questions are getting answered. I hope a few more will, too. I'm really starting to believe more again. I'm still a little hesitant, but I'm hoping and trying to let go and just have more faith -- to give God my faith. I guess I've never realized that faith isn't really something you receive, but something you give. At least, that's my take on it. I've been waiting for faith to come to me, all the while knowing that it was something I was really holding back.

Anyway, yeah, I have some of those really deep questioning moments, but they are temporary setbacks. I don't want anyone to worry from reading back a few blogs ago. I'm fine, although I still have that little cursing problem, and I serve a God that I trust will heal me, use me, and complete me. I believe that, now that I've let go of that bead in my hand (ask me the story in person), God is already doing those things. I know that I serve a God who loves me and takes care of me through all of my flaws, failures, and doubts. So, yeah. I'm trying.

I really wish . . .

. . . I could step outside from behind my own eyes and step behind other pairs.

Best Playlist Ever! (Subject to change until I hear the whole thing)

In the order created by iTunes Genius (so in no particular order, since I listen to this on shuffle). Perfect playlist to study to so far.

John and Ryan, I am open to your mocking. Please, go ahead. :D :P There's some stuff on here that's just my brother's, but most of it, I take full responsibility for liking. ;) And the sum is definitely better than some of the parts.

Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop 4:33 Landon Pigg
The Way I Am 2:15 Ingrid Michaelson
Almost Lover 4:29 A Fine Frenzy
Nothing Left To Lose 4:22 Mat Kearney
Honestly 3:33 Cartel
The Luckiest 4:25 Ben Folds
Crimes 3:44 Damien Rice
Hands Down 3:17 Dashboard Confessional
Riddle 3:51 Five For Fighting
Can't Let Go 4:47 Landon Pigg
All at Once 3:50 The Fray
Crooked Teeth 3:24 Death Cab for Cutie
Girl Next Door 3:18 Saving Jane
First Date 2:52 Blink-182
Vindicated 3:19 Dashboard Confessional
Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat) 3:10 Jason Mraz
An Honest Mistake 3:40 The Bravery
Say Anything (Else) 3:53 Cartel
Fast Car 4:57 Tracy Chapman
Falling Slowly 4:51 Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Good People 3:29 Jack Johnson
Crashing Down 4:15 Mat Kearney
Loser 3:57 Beck
Sunday Morning 4:08 Maroon 5
Time to Dance 3:24 Panic! at the Disco
Perfect 4:42 Simple Plan
The Way You Make Me Feel 4:58 Michael Jackson
One Thing 4:40 Finger Eleven
Never Let You Go 4:00 Third Eye Blind
Why Can't I? 3:31 Liz Phair
Every Mornin' 3:45 Sugar Ray
The Funeral 5:22 Band of Horses
(You Want To) Make a Memory 4:06 Bon Jovi
Undeniable 4:24 Mat Kearney
Cute Without the 'E' (Cut from the Team) (Acoustic) 4:29 Taking Back Sunday
Near To You 4:35 A Fine Frenzy
Banana Pancakes 3:12 Jack Johnson
She Is 4:01 The Fray
Violet Hill 3:50 Coldplay
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off 3:22 Panic! at the Disco
Mad World 3:08 Michael Andrews & Gary Jules
I Believe in a Thing Called Love 3:37 The Darkness
Save Tonight 4:03 Eagle-Eye Cherry
Screaming Infidelities 3:46 Dashboard Confessional
My Own Worst Enemy 2:50 Lit
Forever Young 4:30 Youth Group
All I Need 4:30 Mat Kearney
Jumper 4:35 Third Eye Blind
Let My Love Open the Door 2:43 Pete Townshend
Almost 3:26 Bowling for Soup
A Long December 4:59 Counting Crows
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage 2:57 Panic! at the Disco
Brick 4:45 Ben Folds Five
Wonderwall [acoustic] 4:06 Ryan Adams
No Rain 3:35 Blind Melon
Don't Wait 4:07 Dashboard Confessional
Trust Me 3:22 The Fray
Two Princes 4:17 Spin Doctors
You're My Best Friend 2:52 Queen
1979 4:26 Smashing Pumpkins
Talk 5:13 Coldplay
Liar (It Takes One to Know One) 3:10 Taking Back Sunday
Uptown Girl 3:17 Billy Joel
Smile Like You Mean It 3:56 The Killers
Lover I Don't Have to Love 4:04 Bright Eyes
Catch My Disease 4:14 Ben Lee
Where We Gonna Go From Here 4:07 Mat Kearney
Mrs. Robinson 3:52 Simon & Garfunkel
Your Heart Is an Empty Room 3:39 Death Cab for Cutie
Breakdown 3:33 Jack Johnson
Jack & Diane 4:16 John Mellencamp
But It's Better If You Do 3:28 Panic! at the Disco
Somebody to Love 4:57 Queen
Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? 4:54 Bryan Adams
Blister in the Sun 2:24 Violent Femmes
She Will Be Loved 4:20 Maroon 5
Runaway 2:53 Cartel
Vienna 3:41 Billy Joel
Cold Hard Bitch 4:03 Jet
Faith 3:13 George Michael (!!! Take that, Fred Durst!!!)
Think Of You 4:06 A Fine Frenzy
Part of Your World 3:13 Jodi Benson
Paper Thin Hymn 3:15 Anberlin
We Used To Be Friends 3:20 The Dandy Warhols
Let Her Cry 5:08 Hootie & The Blowfish
Strong Enough 3:11 Sheryl Crow
Marching Bands of Manhattan 4:13 Death Cab for Cutie
Rock & Roll 4:03 Eric Hutchinson
Under Pressure 3:57 Queen
The Bad Touch 4:21 Bloodhound Gang
Deep Inside Of You 4:15 Third Eye Blind
Wrong Way 2:17 Sublime
We Belong 3:42 Pat Benatar
Modern Nature 3:37 Sondre Lerche & Lillian Samdal
December 4:45 Collective Soul
Come On, Come Out 3:36 A Fine Frenzy
Wonderful 4:44 Everclear

Because I'm just so excited . . . !

I posted this on the One Year Challenge blog, so the Weeks 7 and 8 thing might not make sense. Basically, we try to do at least one new thing a week. Week 7 lasts until Wednesday, February 18, because we started on New Year's Day, which was a Thursday.

For the rest of week 7 and all of week 8 -- I'm so excited about this -- I want to get my mile time down to 7:45 or less! The Army assesses a person's mile time (running) when said person enlists. Based on this time, the recruit will be assigned to a "sustained running ability group," which is basically a fancy name for a 12-week workout regimen based on the starting mile time. On the elliptical, I run about an 8:00 mile, and I was really excited to see the requirement to get into the fastest guys' group was 7:00. At my very best in high school, I could run a 6:58 mile, which was really slow compared to all the runners lapping me. (It really happened . . . at Regionals. I got last place. Very embarrassing.) Granted, that was a long time ago, and it took months for me to get into shape. And I was competing, which always gives me a little kick. But still. Yay Coach Rick. :)

Anyway, after looking at my mile time, I would have been placed in the guys' slowest running group, and the workout regimen doesn't really look like much of a challenge. SO! My goal for this next week and a half is to cut down my mile time by 15 seconds, so that I can make it into the next guys' group. That way, at the end of the training regimen, I'll be able to run a sustained 7:30 for 20 minutes. That's a tall order, but I'd rather have that challenge than running an 8:15 for 20 minutes. I can already just about do that. And I think a 20-minute 7:30 is feasible. Anyway. Here was a bunch of track mumbo jumbo for all you runners and ex-runners. But seriously, I'm really stoked. I have the opportunity to get in better shape and challenge myself. Plus, especially since the Army's basic training requirements for women aren't all that tough, I think this would make boot camp a lot easier. :)

A Lesson from Emma

The purpose of knowing and recognizing a person's faults should really be to better appreciate their better qualities. I forget that too often, and I believe others probably do, too.

Who says reading can't teach you anything? I guess it can at least give one a good reminder of things that have been forgotten along the way.

Mosh pit in my brain : /

"Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?"

I've got so many thoughts vying for my attention lately.

I need a job. I need to be able to pay rent. Was I wrong to have them lower my hours at the old job? Could I have helped it? Was this whole job search just a stupid waste of time and gas? How on Earth am I going to come up with my rent for March?

What prejudices have I grown up with? Have things really changed that much with me since I came to college? Do I treat ________, _______, and _______ as negative stereotypes? How do I go about changing my mindset? What if I don't meet someone who doesn't fit the stereotype? Am I really this shallow?

I need to get back in shape. I should really start eating healthier again and start working out. I need to buy milk, but with what money?

They both say to pray and trust God to help me. I said that it's myself and other people I don't trust, not God. I don't trust myself or anyone else, but, on second thought, I don't really trust God handles the small details. I don't know if I still believe he cares. I don't always even feel like he exists, and I'm supposed to be a Christian!!!! I am a Christian.

Hebrews 6:4-6. Shit. Intentional sin? Yeah, done that.

Does prayer even work?

So glad to have severed things with the ex, but I'm selfishly bothered that my bestie didn't offer to choose sides. Yeah, it's immature and selfish. I would have said no sides were necessary, but it would have been nice to hear the question posed as a sort of -- I don't know -- allegiance? loyalty? to our friendship. I should grow up and stop acting like a child; my friend was only acting the part of an adult. Maybe I should try it.

My life is getting too messy again. Literally. I need to get my room straightened up, dig my parking space back out, organize my papers into a file system again.

Have to pay my credit card bill tomorrow. Crap. Never get one of these again?

How do I go deeper in my faith without losing some of my closest friendships? I need support, not more criticism of the Church, and I can't dig in by myself. I don't have the stamina. Women's Bible study? Where can I go and be 100% vulnerable, 100% honest about where I'm at (100% redundant)? Will this just remind me more of the things I struggle with and cause them to be bigger problems? Is it possible to go deeper in a faith that's dehydrated down to almost inexistence? Do I still even have a faith?

Good books, but too many of them! This whole reading-all-the-time thing bites beehives.

Am I growing into a good person? A reliable person? The person I'd like to become? Am I growing into a questioning, seeking Christian, or just a spoiled, rebellious, little brat? Is there some way to put all of these into one person? Is it possible for that person to ever be me? I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I'd have myself become.

I'm pretty happy single. I don't want to stay single forever, though. I hope it won't be a terribly long time before I meet someone -- not just someone, but the one I will marry? What if I die before I marry? That would suck. I'd like to experience that intimacy with someone before I die.

I'm clingy and over-intense. What is wrong with me? Ridiculous. And yet, I'm sometimes too logical, too analytical, maybe even too honest (blunt)? Is there a way to fix myself? Is it even possible to have a marriage last? What's the use and the point of even trying? Am I doomed to repeat my parents' (my dad's) mistakes?

Will Anita and Travis make it? I hope so. I hope and pray (it's easier to believe -- or hope to believe -- for someone else's benefit) that he and John make it home safe and sound.

Have I really had it so bad with my family? Maybe I need to just move on. Easier said than done. And I'm afraid of losing the lessons, of repeating mistakes that I didn't quite pin down and memorize from my past if I do.

I'd like to move to Ireland someday. Or Scotland. Perfect weather, beautiful accents, gorgeous scenery, plenty of rain, none of this 13" of snow in two days. I could raise cattle, too -- not babies haha (old joke).

Will I ever get to travel? Should I just settle and be happy here without ever taking a road trip, Tri-S trip, etc.? There are so many more things I'd like to do if I could just convince my head to be as adventurous as my heart claims to be. I feel like I'm settling for mediocrity, routine, and sheltered, suburban conventionality.

Air Force, Army . . . what if neither of these works out? What if I don't graduate on time, or my grades are too bad, or my recommendations suck? What if I don't get into OTS? Can I even survive boot camp?

Have to change my plate tags.

Have to settle Agathos' debts. Have to cancel Compassion accounts. Should write three letters to our sponsored kids first, though.

Will I ever get hired? How will I get that money in time? Need money for the Chicago Trip for sociology, too. Fantastic.

I really need to start going to Orange, Black, and Green meetings. I really want to.

. . . and more.

30 Seconds to Procrastinate!

"Kill off this thinking
It's starting to sink in
I'm losing control now
But without you I can finally see"(relevant only to me)

I'm still procrastinating a sec, but I'm over halfway done with Tess now. I just came to a conclusion that I wanted to record and get out, more than anything, before I forget or just dismiss it.

I miss community. Not friends. I mean, I have friends, some that I debate with, some that I sort things out with, but . . . I miss having friends to go deeper spiritually with, you know? I hate this "faith as an individual thing" thing around here. Sure, accepting a salvation is a personal choice, and no one person can make another person obedient. But I miss the corporate faith. I miss the small group corporate faith. I miss people who care. I miss caring, myself, sometimes.

All this said, I feel right now as if everyone else has either already succumbed to apathy or has moved a few aisles down and left me standing alone in my own aisle. I know they're close by, but I can't tell which direction to even look in. We can't hear each other; it's not like sonar.

I'm just frustrated. Maybe. Or maybe it's something more.

Job Hunting

Let me recap the process. I filled out an application, took a little test over math and communications skills (it's unfortunate that I prefer paper and pencil to non-graphing calculators, because it takes longer, but, as I don't have to worry about punching in the incorrect numbers . . . ), and then had a little mini-interview with the manager. He asked me back for another on the following day. That interview went decently well, although he did say he was unsure if they'd want to hire me for my desired position or another one, or both. He told me to call him back a week later, Thursday (aka yesterday) if I hadn't heard from him yet. I called right after class, but unfortunately, the lovely cell phone boosters in Mocha Joe's didn't feel up to boosting my cell signal that day, and I didn't catch everything he said. What I did gather was, that he wanted to have me talk to the general manager, who had to create next week's schedule, which wouldn't be finished until the following day (today), and that I should call back then.

Let me include in all this the fact that I was never told whether or not I was hired, or for which position, so I was downright confused, but determined to remain patient yesterday as I hung up the phone (metaphorically). I wasn't sure if I was supposed to call Brian back or the general manager, whose name got fuzzed out in MJ's.

I called back today, talked to a very confused hostess, who directed me to a very confused general manager, and, as my phone was suddenly becoming staticky again (in my house), I hastily tried to throw it on the phone charger just in case the problem was actually a low battery. In the meantime, I heard the "you're on hold" music stop, and I said hello, but to no answer, and the music started up again. The next thing I know, I heard the music stop again, and I'm still trying to get the blasted charger end into the phone as I yank the thing back up to my ear and say hello to a manager that, I believe, had already identified himself. Needless to say, I was a bit harried at this point (internally, though hopefully not externally), and the manager wasn't thrilled with my seeming scatterbrain. When I told him what I had been told by Brian, he informed me, "I am the general manager," and told me that I would have to interview with him (the G.M.) again next week, though he couldn't schedule it today because the manager I interviewed with first had not left him my paperwork and would not be working today. So he's supposed to call me back tomorrow, but he didn't sound very thrilled with my show of incompetence and seeming lack of listening skills. Gosh. We shall see how this goes.

Out of fear as much as anything, I called back to check on my applications with my next two highest choices. The host at the better of the two offered to give my application to the manager (that hadn't happened yet?!), and the second response was more impatient and short. The winds might be changing; I sure hope not. It was nice to have my eggs in the incubator, to play on the old idiom.

"Video Killed the Radio Star . . ."

Hmm, since I already have a blog on here, and I'm trying to post to the One Year Challenge blog, I'm not sure where this one will end up. But here's to trying.

This week, I helped put in a new stereo and speakers in my car (dun dun DUNNNN!!!!). A weak first weak, I know. It's weird trying new things here, since my life here is more about my parents and working to earn some money. I guess I'm not very creative, but I'm hoping to try more exciting, new things once I get back to Anderson. We shall see. :)

P.S. Oldsmobiles do not like non-factory speakers, just an fyi. My '96 Cutlass Supreme had a problem with the new, deeper stereo, and the tweeter and subwoofer cones (I stole that jargon from my brother, who had to explain to me what a "tweeter" is) in the back were previously wired separately. The new three-ways are set up differently, with the wiring from the subs to the mids, and the mids to the tweeters set up inside a single speaker. Suffice it to say, there was some confusion. We finally have our new stereo set up, though, and some random broken pieces of plastic (oops) as well. Everything seems to work smoothly now, though. Hope that random outpouring of useless information made a difference in someone's life. :D Good luck to all you guys in this next week and this year! Bless people; be blessed!