There's a journal on here that's dedicated completely to letting people write letters to Santa. Rather than writing one on there, here goes. (Okay, in retrospect of writing this letter, it became more of a prayer to God, which I think is more suiting anyway.)
Dear Santa,
I know you exist only in the generous, merry spirit of the season. You represent goodwill toward all, albeit less than the true star of the season, my Savior. I stopped believing in you when I was little; I don't remember when, exactly, I just remember hearing people make fun of the idea that you were real at school. I laughed with them, because I decided that they must have been right about it. It wasn't traumatic to me to think of my parents bringing me presents instead of an old man who would have to walk in our front door anyway.
My dad always left the back door unlocked so that you could walk in, since we had no chimney (and the Santa Claus hadn't come out yet, or maybe we would have thought that you made one appear). We would leave not only milk and cookies for you, but also baby carrots for your reindeer. Ironically, one morning I woke up to see that half of a couple of carrots was left. The milk and cookies were gone, and the tooth marks on the carrots didn't look like any reindeer teeth that I could imagine. I knew instinctively that these were the teeth of my dad, who got a very uncomfortable look on his face when I asked him why he had eaten the carrots. "What do you mean?" he answered. "Maybe the reindeer were just full from carrots at all the other houses and didn't want to finish them." I couldn't reason why you or the reindeer would walk back down from the roof to put the half-carrots back on the plate. I checked the snow, and there was a definite absence of reindeer tracks. Someday, maybe I'll have someone walk a real reindeer across my lawn for my kids. :) Maybe it was a bit of the farm girl in me, but I also knew that if an animal is going to eat part of a carrot, or part of a handful of hay, it will eat all of that carrot or that hay.
Then there was our puppy, Sarge, who was delivered by 'you' on Christmas morning. I remember actually believing at that point, just for the moment. It didn't matter whether you were real, the little game of pretending was wonderful in and of itself, so much so that you might as well have delivered the dog. Later, Cody and I asked my dad where he got Sarge from. "From the So-and-Sos," he answered, "the same place where the Stonemans bought their dog." My mom shot him a dirty look as I smirked and reminded him that he had said that Santa had delivered the puppy.
Anyway, it's obvious that I don't believe that you bring gifts to people, except for the spirit of goodwill and kindness spread to many through little children's wide eyes and bells and thank-yous as you kindly urge us to share what we have with those who have no real Santa to bring them new shoes or clothes or even jobs or homes. So this letter is only an idealistic fancy.
Santa, this year, I don't know if I've been good or bad. I would say I've been pretty bad, losing control of practically everything in my life. And you know that I'm used to being the pacifier between my rambunctious and sometimes vengeful family. We're pretty broken up lately, although my mom seems to have found true happiness with a man that seems to be working hard to win her affections and ours.
My dad isn't happy. He's still always contemplating breaking it off with his girlfriend. We're a lot alike, in a lot of ways. We both fail miserably because we can't live in the moment and fix things when they're broken. Instead, we move onto the next great idea, the next great career, the next great friend (or lover, in his case). We can't deal with our own failures, so we start new tasks, invest ourselves in new interests, new people, new far-fetched schemes. We cut and run while we're ahead; actually, more often, we think about cutting and running, but stay out of sheer stubbornness, until at last the Titanic tilts upside down and we're forced to bail out or sink.
My parents and I are all going through major money crises. My dad has offered to pay for my tuition next year, but between all the other loans he's got to pay off, the house he's remodeling, the ridiculous schemes he's invested in, and the fact that the majority of his closings have fallen through over the past two months -- he's broke. It's such a blessing that my tuition has been cut by 1/3 for the entire year, but he's still going to have to take out a loan. He doesn't want me to, and in a way, I don't blame him. I've got $35,000, at the least, in my name. I know money is really tight for my mom, too, between supporting my brother and I when she can with gas or a little money in our accounts here and there, paying for college of her own, and trying to pay the bills on a 114-year-old farm house. I really hope she doesn't sell that house if she marries Bob. It's been her dream, although I know it's become unmanageable. I think the day will come when my brother and I will have to realize that she will need to leave that house. It would be selfish to try to convince her to stay there just because of our sentimentality. I've got my own financial problems because of a credit card bill that is so high I can barely whittle it down, living expenses, fuel costs, and a boss who calls me frequently, only hours beforehand, to tell me that the hours of work I had been depending on to pay my bills will not happen, or will be fewer in number than expected. I really need a new job, but I need one that will be flexible, too. If only bosses worked around their employees' schedules very often.
I hate change. My family is now a shattered mirror, with shards of us lying here and there all across the county and two states. The damage has a finality to it. Things don't seem like they will ever be the same, even father-to-daughter, or mother-to-son, or grandparent-to-grandchild. My parents and grandparents have done and said terrible things to my brother and I (and to each other), and vice versa. We have all either moved to a period of stubborn refusal to forgive or a sort of cover-up denial that any altercations had occurred. The only true difference, that I can see, is that my mom has finally admitted, somewhat and only to me, that she feels badly for kicking Cody out of the house that night last summer (and warning him that he was not allowed back until Christmas break, but that's only part of the Rhynard-Biddinger family soap opera). My brother thinks that she's working me over while my dad and I can't stand each other, but I only know that it feels nice to have a relationship of mostly peace, a place where I can rest my head with finality and not worry about the next argument or the cords of bitter tension between us. If that is truly only temporary, then so be it. It is what I need from my family right now. I need one healed relationship. I will not feel guilty or used for that. Take your crap elsewhere.
I miss the way it used to be, when I could only hate either of my parents temporarily. The only benefit now is that Cody and I are closer, and we are both wiser and more aware of what's going on to be able to understand, comfort, advise, and even confront each other. The down sides, well -- Christmas isn't the same merry occasion that it was when we were little. It's honestly, mostly sad for me now. (I'm tearing up as I write this.) We've all gone through so much, we've done so much to each other, and we haven't healed from it. We haven't come out better for it. I resent my dad, and beneath all of his trying to buy or demand my love, I think he feels the very same way about me. My brother seems to use a wiser form of my way of thinking with my dad when I was in middle school -- he's a jerk now, but that's just the way he is, he won't change so you just get used to it, you just have to know how to handle him, don't be afraid to confront him but then move on, etc. The resentment is temporary. I just can't separate the man from the mood swings, the control, the temper anymore. The only times I see him, there is no soft, emotional, "daddy's-girl" kind of dad anymore. He is so absorbed in his problems of the day, the week, the month, even the moment anymore, and in my problems, too, that he doesn't ever seem to just be able to enjoy my presence when I was little. And I do the same thing to him. And so we have all of these expectations and demands for each other and no actual good feelings toward each other. I think he gets a temporary puffed-up pride now and then, but that's a temporary fix for his own low self esteem and often leads to his demanding a report of my life, my finances, my grades, and whatever else there is so that he can bark orders and puff himself back up in his self esteem by being in control of me (his pride, his joy, the object of his bitter rages).
My brother and my dad used to build snow forts in the yard. They used to love to go snowmobiling together. We used to ride around on the ice up at Tip Up Town. Cody and I used to make these tacky little Christmas ornaments as presents for our parents. The ugliest that I remember were made by coloring on clear, plastic cups with the markers for the overhead projectors. They were melted in the microwave, and a hook was stuck through the side. I don't know where those ornaments are now. They're all gone somewhere, maybe out in the grainary.
For some reason, I can remember Cody roller skating around on these tacky play-school roller skates in the back room, or even roller blades, later. I know that we got them for Christmas one year, but I think they got brought out the subsequent year to roller skate in the back room on the tight, dense carpet while Christmas music played on the stereo in the huge cabinet in the back of the room. The reindeer wreath on the door would play music that would clash with the music around the room when you activated the motion sensor. There were lights everywhere, and my brother would hang the leftover tinsel (of the ugliest colors!) in his room on his bunk bed, and we would watch those terrible old Christmas movies on TV. I remember Penny sleeping under the tree and Blackie always climbing up the tree (and breaking my mom's most precious ornaments). Penny would break them off with her tail or when we were roughhousing near the tree. She would alsobreak into the Peppermint Patties that would sit, in a huge box from Sam's Club, at the top of the cabinet by the stained glass in the back room -- and then she would throw them up, wrappers and all, in the bathroom later on. I would practice Christmas songs on the piano while my mom would bake frozen sugar cookies from Gordon's Food Service that usually carried the slightest taste of lemon. Or, if we were really lucky, she'd make the ones from Siler's with the Christmas trees in the middle. Those ones tasted the best. I remember making our own cookies a few times with the cookie cutters under the counter with the phone (right by the sliding glass doors) and decorating them with frosting later. Ty and George Conn would decorate their yard to the hilt next door, with the customary Santa's sleigh and reindeer on the roof every year. My Grandma Rhynard, when she could still see well enough to drive and still lived in the Shepherd house, drove my brother and I around to see the Christmas lights in Mt. Pleasant before taking us to a post-light show feast at Arby's. I will never forget that.
I remember songs in the car with my parents. My dad always listened to Mannheim Steamroller, and my mom always listened to the Christmas stations. The Carpenters' song "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" will always remind me of her, no matter where I am. At the time, I resented her voice, which reminded me more of a choir than the voices I heard on the radio, and I would get mad when she sang. It's funny, though, now, because I know how to sing harmony to most of those old songs. I think we used to drive Cody nuts with our Christmas harmonization. He would complain loudly from the back seat as we drove to my Grandma and Grandpa Aldrich's on Christmas Eve.
We had the same traditions every year. We would go to my great grandparents' for the Aldrich Family Christmas every Christmas Eve (my brother and I eventually ended up helping Dad move round bales from Grimm's farm, deliver a calf or take a near-frozen one home, bust up frozen waterers, feed the cattle, or add fresh bedding in the barns, up until the very last minute, often later than the last minute). I remember that this was always a really tense time between my parents, because my mom wanted my brother and I to be at the Christmas party, and my dad always "made her look bad" when we arrived late. In reality, I remember understanding that, although I didn't like making a late entrance either, the cattle had to be taken care of, holiday or not. It was uncanny, though, how farm emergencies always came up when we were already in a rush to get back for Christmas Eve. It wasn't my dad's fault, just a long series of coincidences. I also remember reminding my dad constantly that we had to get back on time, which made things tense between him and my brother and I. The man was honestly not good at budgeting his time, and so my brother and I would get frustrated with him. At the same time, though, I knew instinctively that that entire day, he felt like he couldn't meet the standards of the Aldrich and Biddinger families -- or my mom's. Because as much as she was trying to avoid being impolite, I also knew she was trying to avoid having to defend her husband AGAIN -- which amounted, to me, that she was ashamed of him in front of her family. Oh, family. Gotta love it. The tensest good time you'll ever have, like a party where you only know two people.
We would come back home, put on our new pajamas (we usually got some for Christmas), put out the milk, cookies, and carrots, and go to bed. My brother and I (usually just Cody, because I liked my sleep) would take forever to fall asleep and then would run out to the back room -- later to the living room -- and see if "Santa" had come yet. Usually, around 4:30 or 5 am, my brother would run into my room and wake me up, telling me that Santa had come and that we should now go open our presents. I would tell him to go back to sleep, we would argue, and then my parents would argue and make him go back to bed. We would open presents around 6:30 or 7 am, I think, especially when he was really little. One time, he told me that he had seen dad walking out to the tree and thought that Dad was Santa.
On Christmas night, we would go to the Biddinger family Christmas. That was pretty self explanatory. I don't remember when my dad started bringing fudge and peanut butter balls, but that wasn't always the case. My mom had always made her 7 layer salad, though, for as long as I can remember. My brother and I would deliver the gifts to everyone, since Jonathan was only a baby. Later, I remember Jonathan helping when Ashton and Amanda were babies. Then, the buck got passed to JD, Ashton, and Amanda, and my brother and I got to sit and talk with the adults. I would play songs on the piano, and my aunts and my grandma would come in and listen and sing. Grandpa Biddinger yelled at me about the noise and told me to stop when I was little, but as I got better, he allowed it. My brother never got good enough where he stopped getting yelled at. I guess he gave up the piano beforehand, and he always hated my grandpa for playing favorites with us. Later on, my cousins became the favorites, except for the temporary time when Cody became the newest family hunter/farmer/handiman.
I think it was the day after Christmas when we went to my Grandma Rhynard's. Everybody would meet at her house, originally, and we'd all crowd around the table in her dining room. We'd have a huge feast there, too, but the place was always really crowded. We had a couple family Christmases (maybe even with the Stephensons?) at our house, too. We ended up moving to my Uncle Russ and Aunt Kenna's house later, I think around the year that Ian was born. As my Grandma Rhynard's health declined, my mom would help her get ready at the apartment or the assisted living place (or our house, if we picked her up earlier) and drive her there. I remember parties at Uncle Russ and Aunt Cheryl's, too, because I remember the hallway and the piano by the wall where Rick would chase the cat, while my dad watched from the couch across the room. I don't remember if that was at Christmas or not, though. We went to Iowa once for Christmas, and it was incredibly boring, because I didn't know Nate or Matt very well, and they were so much older that all there was to do was play ping-pong and 2-person Euchre, which my mom taught to TJ and I (I think she taught Blake and Cody, too, but I didn't pay much attention to Blake then, although I remember playing with Cody). TJ and I had been really good friends when we were little, but because of my dad's worries over his sadistic side with my brother and our mixed gender, as well as the fact that Christmas and Easter were the only times we spent together, by that time I barely knew him. I think it was about then that TJ started identifying with Nate and Matt, whom I was uncomfortable around, and I got stuck by myself or hanging out with my brother (who would rather hang out with Blake and Ian). I stopped enjoying family gatherings on the Rhynard side about then.
I miss those days. I miss "TAKE OFF! To the Great White North, TAKE OFF!" and "Feliz Navidad" with Dad. I miss the Carpenters and Johnny Mathis songs with Mom. I miss Cody's tacky garland in his room, dancing and skating around the back yard, even that miserable cold in Grimm's back fields on Christmas Eve and picking up garland strands from the carpets so that the cats and dogs wouldn't swallow them after we all decorated the tree. I miss garland on the bar and fake poinsettias around the kitchen sink, watching the snow fall on the porch in the back yard, all of that. At least we were together. It was nice. But I can't go back there. Which is why Christmas this year is sad.
So Santa, away from my reminiscing and back to my letter to you -- I think that Christmas is so much more than anything financial, and I don't think that Santa takes care of finances anyway. But I wish for my parents and myself that we can all survive financially and maybe even find a way to have some left over. I still need to be able to afford gas, my credit card bill payment at the end of the month, paying off my checking account (it's in the red), and buy my brother and my roommates Christmas presents (I wasn't going to get them anything, but now they've gone and given me something). I can't afford to get anything for the boys I babysit, but it sounds like they've got plenty coming anyway. I really wanted to be able to get something perfect and individualized for each of the people on my list this year -- my parents, my brother, Steve, and Jael -- something like my mom's quilt. Not like my Dad's Bible. Or whatever I'm going to be able to buy my brother. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to not drown in debt or overwhelm myself this holiday season.
I wish for my dad to finally find stability in himself, instead of always looking for outside forces to do it for him. I wish he would just cut off some debts and some grand ideas, simplify, and be able to relax a little. I wish he would stop expecting Lori or even us to complete him. I wish he could be happy where he is (or get rid of some stuff and be happy where he was). I want Cody and my mom to get along and for Cody to find a good job next semester. I want my mom to be ok financially so she can stop worry. I wish she didn't have to take out this loan for next semester. I hope she and my dad both find a love that will treat them with respect, love, maturity, and PEACE, and I hope that Lori is not that person for my dad, as hard as that would be for them both. I hope that her son, Keegan, has a peaceful Christmas without my dad or Cody and I being forced on him. I hope things don't move too quickly between my mom and Bob, because I still need time to adjust; Cody will need more. I hope Kristyn gets along with her mom and her brother/his girlfriend and actually enjoys her holidays. I hope Jael and Jonah have a relaxing time at home and Jonah can find himself again. I hope that Keren's loss only sits in the mouths of the ones she left behind as a soft, reminiscent, sadness, instead of an acute, stabbing pain. I hope Gerson and his family will hold each other a little closer and with a renewed sense of appreciation. I pray to God for his comfort this holiday, as well as his parents' and so many of Keren's family and friends. God, I hope you hold her closely to you on Christmas, because she will be held so tightly in memory and loss here that it might pull her back to us, if that were possible. I wish for things to work out between Steve and Emily, as much as that will sadden me with the changing relationship of my best friend and I. I wish for his utmost happiness, and I pray that this girl is the kind of girl he deserves, not the kind he has met in the past. I wish for his safe travel and for rest and rejuvenation for him this season. God, give him a break where he can fill up his tank again before next semester. And God, give me the same, except that let me let YOU fill my tank back up to overflowing. I wish for my faith to come back, in you and in myself, even in other people and in love and kindness. I pray for safe travel for everyone I know and for those I don't, here at AU and everywhere. I pray for smart decisions of giving up the keys, moderation with alcohol, and cautious driving this season.
I pray for my heart not to break for what I've lost, what I've broken and ruined, and what my family has lost this Christmas season. I pray that you would start to heal my heart, God. I pray that you get me on track and show me how to continue to follow you from that new path. I pray that you would call to Steve, God. It's so hard to remember that he's not rejecting me, but he's rejected you. God, break through like only you can. I pray you'd give him clarity on things like personal sin and the Bible and truth. I pray that you would show me more of who I am. Renew a right spirit in me. I wish I could help those who don't have anything in some way. I pray that you protect those without heat, without food, without homes, and that you provide for them more than for the sparrows, God. They are worth far more than many sparrows, in your own words. Help us stop spinning and look to you for our beauty and covering, our provision and shelter. And help us to remember why we have this season, not for presents but for generosity shown to others in gratitude for our own receipt of the greatest gift ever.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Dear Santa . . . Dear God . . .
My list of far-fetched (for me) New Year's resolutions
My list of far-fetched (for me) New Year's resolutions
2. Get disorderly organized -- stay on top of things, but don't force myself to become someone else. It's too exhausting.
3. Get more active in Agathos again -- lead to new heights. Find our niche & lead us toward our vision. Pick up others along the way.
4. Open up. I'm not that socially awkward if I can just be spontaneous, be crazy, have fun, be creative -- go outside (myself)!!!!
5. Get out and meet people, guys and girls. Be open & non-judgmental; be kind.
6. Talk less, think less, listen more.
7. Find a good job where I can do more than just scrape by.
8. Take someone under my wing.
9. Bible, Bible, Bible.
10. Stop giving up. Become that anal straight-A, academic do-gooder again if I have to next semester to straighten myself out again; I can relax academically into a nice rhythm again later.
11. Eat healthier & keep working out. Stop eating out of boredom.
12. Read the classics -- less TV? Ouch.
13. Find good music. Play around more -- more guitar, singing, piano . . .
14. Figure out what I have to work with. I know my flaws very well, but what do I do well? What do I actually enjoy; what isn't just a temporary flight of fancy?
15. Stop smoking. Just kidding. (I don't smoke, unless you count filling the wood stove at home and inhaling a lot of that junk.) But get involved with Orange, Black and...Green & either G2G or Neighbors again.
16. Bible study group? Do they have those here at AU? *chuckle* I've never come across one, actually . . .
17. Pray in conversation, not an appointment.
18. Camp. Climb. Mountain bike? Canoe! Do random outdoorsy things; try new things out.
19. Buy a bike (mountain bike?). Also, replace my stolen iPod. Still trying to figure out how to pay bills AND eat AND pay for gas/laundry/etc.; going to need to find a better job and save a LOT to replace that thing.
20. Use a schedule/planner, but let myself keep a loose schedule, so long as I can keep up. Switch it up somehow when I get bored.
21. Sleep earlier. Wake up earlier.
22. Road trip. (Another unaffordable expense at this point. Too many plans for money, not enough actual capital.) Save money, or go w/ family? Save money for a Tri-S trip next year. Italy would be nice. :)
23. Start to like myself & become the person that I want to be -- but be reasonable.
24. Be more honest and trusting with people; some people actually do care when they ask. I'm becoming way too jaded and cynical of everything and everyone.
25. Be frugal, but work hard so I can have fun. Don't settle to fit in -- choose something that I want to do to treat myself, not something like eating out just because other people are.
26. Try IM sports. It's been awhile, but it'd be fun.
27. Reduce debt.
28. Take a full Sabbath, but make sure I'm choosing extracurriculars on the other days that are my other way of relaxing.
29. Love people better, more. Be a better friend. Get in touch with friends I've lost contact with that meant a lot.
30. Don't ever be content to live the perfect life. There's no such thing; when that happens, it just means that life isn't interesting anymore. I don't want to fall into a pattern; in fact, knowing myself well, I can't. Always keep room for change and spontaneity.
31. Learn to make a reasonable budget. Learn to follow a budget.
32. Have confidence and have faith. I'm starting to see that a lot of the time, when I'm hoping beyond all hope for someone to do the right thing, it doesn't usually happen. (My friends don't often fall under that last category, just acquaintances and random strangers. My boss, the person who found that $40 I lost -- that I owed my brother -- and didn't turn it in, the person who stole my iPod, etc.) And when I've lost the ability to find hope for myself, God steps in and wows me. I have God stories. Just ask me.
33. Let go of bitterness, malice, hurt feelings, and jadedness, and forgive. I don't know what healing looks or feels like, except a bit from when my parents started to split up the first time. The only person that I've healed a lot over is my mom. Everywhere else, I've just calloused over it.
34. Be fallible. Be hurt, when that comes. Deal with things, instead of shoving them all down behind a mask. Work through all those things that I am already experiencing but refuse to acknowledge or let leak to others. Stop being too ashamed to be real.
35. Find a caring, embracing community. Appreciate the people in my life that have been my community, some without even their own or my own realization of it (Jael, Brummett, Jenny, Laura, Toad, Steve, and Mom, I appreciate you all . . . )
Thursday, December 6, 2007
A soliloquy in typeface
A shadow glided across my path today. Just after the tiniest section of dust was wiped off of my old hope chest, the building next door exploded in a cloud of dust, burying that chest and maybe even breaking a corner or two off. I came back to my solitude with just the light of the tv and less to be hopeful about than when I headed out last night, and without even comprehending the weight i was sagging under, a solitary tear finally leaked out. After all this time, I was able to cry. Although genuine sadness was overflowing in my gut and threatening to be choked out into some sort of weak, high sound, my tears leaked out, slowly, one at a time, the dark room silent except for a light sniffling that only vaguely betrayed the Kilimanjaro of emotion underneath. I could not explain this emotion to myself; the source, or the trigger.
I feel as if, at barely more than two decades of life, my bones are weary and complaining of age, slowly surrendering to the load they carry and buckling beneath it. I've seen a couple of final episodes of tv shows that I grew up with lately, and I feel like those finales, like my script has somehow run out. Other cast and crew members are moving on, but all of my best is lies in the past, walking farther and farther in the opposite toward a horizon I myself can never again reach. I am the actor who caught a lucky break on a show that ran for a "good, long time" but who will never again be a mere shade of my former glory. I am well into my sixteenth minute, the still-undesired, future cat lady, or at the least, the future of failure. That's me, carrying failure into the 21st century. I experience no inherent worth, save that I am still alive, although the epilogue to that itself is something too terrible and awful in my mind's eye to bring out and examine for more than a few seconds. I want to know what I have to offer the world, because, short of hearing the same old flattery from my mother and my girlfriends (who are compelled to give such common answers by our varying relationships), I have never heard such things even falsely stated.
Just once, I would like to hear what I have to offer a man. I have never been treated by any men as a woman with much to offer, instead treated only once as a sex toy and once as a physical painkiller for loneliness (I never took the former up on his offer, but I certainly did take the latter up, with full support of family and most friends). I have been "the girl next door" or "the sister" to be used and abused in times of trouble, but as a woman, I have only been told by men that I am undesirable. I have been told that I would and will have to be desperate to find a man who would actually either be desperate enough himself, or lower his standards enough to be with me. All around me, my friends, enemies, acquaintances, and random strangers are falling in love and dealing with relationships, while my only relationship lies far in the past, an unfair, desperate, and hurtful one. And every once in awhile, I may occasion an awkward flirtation or crush from some sad, pathetic person who likes me because I was the only girl who would talk to him. It sounds callous, but I don't want to have to settle for someone who I am not attracted to physically, emotionally, or even spiritually, just because I was nice and therefore the object of affection of a desperate person. I don't want to be goodenough; I want to be good enough.
So here I sit, pondering my supposed worth that is called into question more than it is affirmed. It's so easy for people to say that self worth should not be found in others' approval or disapproval, but let me ask in return, how can one experience self worth and self value when it was never demonstrated to that person in the first place? All men may be created equal, but that doesn't mean that each man fully grasps that when repeatedly beaten and kicked to the ground. Some men believe they are dogs because that is precisely how they have been treated.
I would love so much for the men in my life that I respect most (not the ones who are desperate for a woman, period, but those who can easily take their pick at a whim), for these men to dare to lift me up to a level that, in their own ways, they have deigned to reserve for themselves and those "choice steaks" that they toy with selecting. Even my brother, whose advice and words I respect so much, shrinks away from the intensity of these avouchments, but weakly resorts to the same old jeers. Just one conversation where he would unashamedly fortify my self image of value to men would mean so much; however, the significance is lost on him, as well as the need and the longing I feel for such a conversation to take place.
So here I soliloquize, in typeface . . . still pondering, "What, if anything, do I have to offer a man, or the world?"
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
a black rose
the funny thing about pain
is that it's something shared
even without the realization that it's shared.
isolation . . .
this hurts me
but i take it out on you.
your rejection, this bitter blade's slice
did hurt me
but my cup overfloweth
onto you.
and i'm sorry for that.
the funny thing about pain
is that it's something shared
and it hurts more the second time around.
a transfer . . .
much slighter than the first,
but mixed with sorrow and stirred with gall this time.
the funny thing about pain
is that i couldn't help but share it
and my pain has blossomed into regret.
weary traveler
I'm going to bed. My muscles have ceased aching temporarily, and now the cold tingles its way upward from my toes, while a fuzzy warmth spreads outward from my shoulders and spine. it's that 'time for bed' feeling, my skin's seeming anticipation of fuzzy lambs-wool blankets and thick comforters.
my best friends hurt me this past week, and i think i hurt them in return. and that saddens me as much as the cut to my own back. where do i go from here? i can't bear to face them.
i can't bear to face my life right now. things were going so much better, and then after this weekend, i just want to crawl back into bed and sleep until next semester at least. i wish i could hibernate until my life will be one i want to live again.
i've stopped caring. now i'm just existing, with my emotions dulled and turned upside down. i don't know how i expect everyone around me to understand how i feel, when i can't even comprehend when, if, why i feel what i feel anymore.
i'm weary. goodnight.
"and miles to go before i sleep, and miles to go before i sleep . . . " (robert frost)
Monday, November 26, 2007
i spent the majority of my Thanksgiving wishing that i wasn't there. don't get me wrong, it was nice enough hanging lights with my family and a couple of friends, but it wasn't like the times when we had put up the lights together as a family -- there were more people, but not the one that used to be a huge part of our celebrations. i don't know what you want from me, steven howell. i was a jerk to you when we were kids. i know that, and i've apologized for years. it seemed that you had forgiven me without a thought, and now all of this stuff came out this weekend, how evil i was, how 'angry' i am now, and how much of a ditz and whatever else you guys could come up with about me. i wanted to hang out with my best friend. i guess i wanted to hang out with you alone. because once jael was there, i was just another person. i wanted to be considerate to jael. i wanted to play along and 'be able to take a joke well' from you both. i didn't want to bring the party down. i tried. and you both have no clue how much it hurts to hear you talk about me, about how angry or whatever i am now, like i've become someone you don't even like. were you paying attention this weekend, jael? when you felt fear that my dad would actually hit someone? welcome to my relationship with my dad most of the time, except that this year he didn't don a mask for you. and steve -- i'm sorry i'm so angry. i'm sick of being the person who can't cry, who can't be honest about my depression, who has to smooth things over between my brother and my mom without even the knowledge of both of them. i can't be honest with my dad or my mom, and cody's stuck in problems with my parents as it is. i have to maintain my family, so i don't have time to break down. i don't have time to actually cry, and i have too much pride anyway. so all of these emotions that i stuff down turn to anger on the outside. which is what you see. you don't see me crying, or waiting in the car by myself until i can force myself to be calm long enough that my eyes lose their red color, long enough that the tears stop welling and disappear again. you don't see me failing at everything i try, because after a weekend like this one, i'm exhausted just to be awake.
the music was similar, but not "take off (to the great white north)," the ornaments weren't the ones that had meant so much when cody and i were little, and the house was very different. i don't want a new and improved family, even if it has more people. i want the old one, as dysfunctional as it was, because times like this would have been the temporary good times of my family. and they weren't so meaningful this time.
the family Thanksgiving was full of people i didn't even know, not the once tight-knit bunch that we were. my grandpa didn't even talk to me the whole time i was home. he did talk over my head to my brother once, though. when i was sitting right next to his chair on the floor. yeah, it was great.
i got to watch the game, but it wasn't my thing anymore. i guess i'm realizing that football was my 'thing' in our family, at least the thing that i felt most comfortable donning as my unique characteristic. i'm distinct from my mom, because i LOVE football. my dad and my brother will watch pro ball, but just as something to do once in awhile. and now, other people who couldn't care less except that the football bandwagon was there, cared (or pretended to) as much as i did. it became a shared thing, and it didn't even feel genuine on the other end, just annoying.
and i got to see my best friend for the first time in almost a year.
except that, this time, i was the third wheel between my two best friends. who just bonded together the entire time over ridiculing and mocking me, albeit 'in jest.' you know, it was funny when steve told jonah that jonah had just insinuated that any guy who could ever like me was a homosexual, but steve and jael had no problems making fun of me to excess the entire time. to the point that it started to feel mean.
the funny thing is, i'm only in control in my family, and that's a temporary facade, a sort of mirage that i think i hold out in front of myself so that i can deal with it all.
i didn't expect much from my family. but i wish i could have hung out with my friend one-on-one, picking up where we left off like usual this weekend, instead of things turning out like they did.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Let Me Ease Your Broken Heart
You, old friend --
You look very French tonight,
Very tousled-chic and angular in your desperation.
And that haunted, broken heart running in your eyes,
Deeply tangible, so thick the bitterness clings to my tongue,
Saturates the air I breathe, burns my lungs . . .
Your pain reverberates in my own chest.
Tired, messy, and close to breaking down
With leaden feet struggling to flee the scene
And a dense, precious heart sinking rapidly --
Let me put your weary soul to bed tonight,
Ease your aching bones down.
So rest your head upon your pillow,
And I'll pull the blankets up to your chin,
Kiss you on the forehead,
Smooth the hair back from your eyes,
Even as your tears threaten to fall, my dear friend.
I'll squeeze your hand and tell you a story
Or hum you soft lullabies,
Anything to quiet your rapidly beating heart,
Ease the transition to sleep
From a chair beside your bed.
I'll stay by your bedside,
Whisper calming words if sleep haunts you;
I will help you through this tumultuous night's assault.
You, my friend,
Your usual strength crumbling,
Dissolving into tears,
Questioning yourself,
Shoulders sagging and shaking,
Jaw trembling, no longer even stubbornly jutting out,
Finally letting go, racked with sobs,
Are a temporary product of one very public failure.
Dear girl, my shoulders are here for you to cry on.
Let me wrap you up in a tight hug,
Grab your favorite Ben & Jerry's from the corner store,
Rent your favorite black and white,
And play with your hair in the television lights.
I'll grab your fuzzy slippers for you,
Draw you a bubble bath,
Warm a towel for you in the dryer,
Light your favorite candles,
Listen to your woes,
And cry with you.
We'll bust out the flannel pajamas,
Eat cookie dough from the bowl,
Even paint our nails.
And I'll crawl into bed beside you,
Scratch and your back 'til you fall asleep,
Be a sister, a friend, a mother when you need one.
And you, my furious, young friend,
You're wearing your insolent passion on your sleeve.
Angry and rebellious at your chastisement,
Neither of us verbalizes your hurt and humiliation.
So tonight you will pour liquor on your wounds to sterilize them,
And I'll party alongside you to keep an eye on you.
We'll let our hair down together,
Mosh under the lights,
And howl at the moon with a singular voice.
And later, I'll hold your head up
And rub your back as you let go of it all.
I'll stay with you through the night,
Listen to you howl a different kind of howl, if it comes to that,
Talk to you in soothing tones.
In the morning, I'll make you breakfast,
Have your sunglasses ready,
And nod in unspoken understanding that I won't bring this up later,
Because I know you needed this temporary bandage.
But whenever the wound starts gaping,
That one tear squeezes out, or the torrents come,
I will be prepared; I will be there
If only you can bite down on your pride to let me in.
I'll leave the light on while you continue to claw at hopes of the uninhibited life.
Fire the Fire, Don't Fear It
Throw on the tie that strangles my neck
Chasin' these dreams, sayin' I'm blessed
But the stone is crackin'
The rails are laughin' at me
'Cause I'm dancing with the gods
Runnin' from the fire
I've been chasing the light
But I lost my desire
Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way
High class and false civility
Parchment facade of joyous nobility
I walked the talk,
Broke my back for you
'Cause I'm dancing with the gods
Running from the fire
I've been chasing the light
But I lost my desire
Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way
I can't get rid of this sickening flavor
From this rotten apple that looked so delicious
You ruined my life, but now I'll return the favor to you
'Cause I'm dancing with the gods
Running from the fire
I've been chasing the light
But I lost my desire
Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way
Somewhere along the way
Yeah, I lost it along the way
Saturday, November 17, 2007
reminiscent apathy
i'm finding lately that i'm missing the good things of my childhood. not the cliques and the fights with and between my parents, but the simple childhood joys. for instance, i remember how we used to run outside and gather the most colorful leaves in our yard -- mainly the red and sugar maples and the birch trees -- and then carefully arrange them between two sheets of wax paper, which my mom would help us iron together. what resulted was a sort of frosted-glass-looking, colorful piece of "artwork." i remember begging my mom to let us make these day after day when she got home from work. and i remember Christmas ornaments for my parents. in kindergarten and first grade, we took the markers for the overhead projector and colored all over clear plastic cups. then the teachers somehow melted them to near flatness, and we put hooks in one side. these were some of my parents' favorite Christmas ornaments, and darned if they weren't near indestructible. (many years and broken ornaments later, these still remain unscathed.)
and i've been learning lots. although i feel like i've only been marginally invested in seeking God, i have been taught many lessons lately. to skim a few, how much do i believe in God's power and choice to forgive and give mercy in cases of intentional sin? (mark 9:22-24 -- although this is my broader application of these verses) and what does it mean that we'll all be "salted with fire?" (mark 9:49-50) i've also learned that encouragement from religious zeal and passion that challenges my own is easily mixed up with other feelings, creating a false impression that i didn't see, myself, at the time.
i'm also longing to get back to basics, to a simple, unmessy style of living. (this is not completely metaphorical, if anyone has seen my room lately.) i want to get the tasks of adulthood done quickly so that i can enjoy the simple, childlike pleasures that i once enjoyed. i want my creativity and my joy back. i also want to be able to serve in a unique and necessary way, and i'm still looking for my place here in the kingdom of God, my unique place of service. i'm discovering that my place of serving through gifts this summer will not be allowable to the same degree this semester, as bills and real life continue to empty my wallet and leave me scouring my room, my car, my purse, my jeans pockets for enough quarters to do laundry. i'm relational; i want to touch someone who needs it one-on-one in a continuing relationship, and i want to reach out to those who haven't been reached out to.
and those are my thoughts tonight. we'll see if i can continue journaling daily.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
the starting line of community, trust, and strength -- let's hope i don't get sacked 8-T
so it's 4:12 am, and i'm stupidly typing a new blog post instead of sleeping. what a bonehead. i've just been thinking a lot about friends and God and keren and spurring one another on and what it means to be spiritually mature/wise. wow. i had thought that i was "at the same level" as one of my friends, and upon reading another blog (and taking a reality check) i guess i have no clue. as in, i get the common sense stuff, but i don't exactly know what i'm lacking in the "deep" department. but i'd love to have deep conversations with people who would challenge me, i think.
God has blessed me with some tremendously great friends. even people that i didn't get to work with or know that well at camp. it's funny how i don't necessarily think ahead to the next convo i'll have with skylar, but i always feel glad to talk to him. i love our conversations and the fact that he just laughs when i say or do awkward things. because i can read sooo much into everyone's reactions and my own failures, but i always know that there's just a grin and a funny look on the other end of the phone before he forgets it anyways.
i've been talking to eli on facebook (it can't be the devil when we're sharing prayer requests, right?). every once in awhile i start to really WISH that i would have been able to work with eli just so i could hear more about his life and really get to know him and build a deeper friendship with him, but then i catch myself. i'm so glad that i got to work with every single person that i worked with this summer, because i learned something from each of them, if i'm honest and looking hard enough. i'll blog about that some other time, though. but back to eli. he's such a great friend, such a great guy in general. i was on the road to the hospital before keren died, and i talked to eli on the phone. it hadn't struck me before that how tentatively people were talking to me until i talked to him. i was hit by his strength -- a God given strength of character, of friendship and concern, of faith and prayer, and of hope. eli, if you ever read this, thanks for being someone i could turn to, even in just a 5-minute conversation. if verl reminds me of barnabas, you would have to be petros. i've never met someone who was so willing to just be 100% there and who could be so compassionate with such a gale force before. you bring intentionality to the next level, and i think you're the only person or one of the only people that i talked to where i broke down and cried (most of that was AFTER the convo, not so much during it). and i don't cry in front of people if i can help it, so thank you for letting me feel safe enough to do that and for blowing me away with your genuine concern and compassion.
i could go on and on about the people i've met this summer that have changed my heart and my life, but like i said . . . another email. i just pray that i can get back on track enough now that i'm home and away from camp that i can love on people and have God flow through me into everyone around me like you guys do. and now it's bedtime. :)
Thursday, July 19, 2007
i miss the boy that taught me to swear
i miss the boy that taught me to swear. i never realized how important he was in my life, the reasons that i felt drawn to be just like him or how influential he actually was in my development. i was a tomboy because i didn't really know how to be girly, and the girls my age wouldn't have accepted me anyways. and i got sick of the feminine games. (i use feminine in the derogatory here.) i was smart, really smart. and i talked like it. now, let me explain that being smart in my hometown, in my school, was the biggest curse imaginable. intelligence was treated as something socially shameful. so what did i do? i "dumbed down" my vocabulary. i stopped trying so hard. i was always a messy procrastinator, and i just stopped trying in all but my English class, where my teacher made learning fun and interesting. ironically, the boy who taught me to swear, the bad boy, was in my English class. we were all surprised to discover that he was probably the best student in the highest English class, and i was even more shocked that he adjusted to that achievement and somehow made it seem cool. and then something happened, and he changed back to the bad boy who didn't want to be smart, who only wanted to play basketball and football. i learned no-fouls and a foul mouth around the same time. this boy taught me the words that still linger in my mouth at inopportune times today, gave me the beginnings of the chip on my shoulder and the need to prove myself, but enough rebellion to never care long enough to really attempt to get my act together again academically. suffice it to say, i was one tough middle-school girl with a nasty temper and an even worse vocabulary. oh yeah, and i became a tomboy. i could be a bad-ass in a game of no fouls with the neighborhood guys, instead of being the smart, nerdy kid. i could trash talk better than almost anyone (and i will forever regret ganging up on a guy a year older than me who wasn't so great in the come-backs department). i didn't need to go carry a message from one person to the next about who wanted to date whom, and i didn't have to get treated like dirt (unless the cousins were there, and then i left). around the time i went through this phase, my friend and i both went through some family problems. his world was torn apart, and i became responsible for holding my family's world together, at least emotionally. his group of bad-boy friends grew in number, and the school-year posse didn't approve of the nerdy girl. and then there was one of the biggest embarrassments of my life, which i won't go into details about here. it wasn't so bad once, but a full year of it . . . a lot of which was started and made worse by my "best friend" . . . it was terrible. i couldn't show my face anywhere without being publicly humiliated. so he became a coward, and i became bitter and angry with the world. both of us just fell into our self-defenses. i didn't realize it was just a typical middle school response at the time. after that, i was always the nerdy girl, but i tried to deny it by staying angry and moving from group to group before i could form any truly close bonds with anyone or get defined as part of that group. my old friend turned to sex, drugs, and alcohol. and a little skateboarding, too. we didn't talk for three years. it would have been longer, except that we had a class together, and his best friend and i were good at having fun in class when it wasn't exactly time to have fun. . . . in an ironic twist, i no longer knew my friend except through this other guy, but there was still an awkward, unspoken history between us. i think he was relieved when the semester ended. the next and last conversation we had was a surprising, awkward conversation that was followed by a brotherly act that surprised me even more, and then nothing. the next week, i realized that it was apparently socially unacceptable for us to talk again. we haven't talked since. i asked his mom about him a couple of times when i drove back for my brother's football games. she actually grabbed my arm when she said he was "doing a lot better now, a LOT better." but i've been missing my friend since sixth grade, minus the awkwardness and emotions that destroyed our friendship, please. i miss the brother that i cried with, learned with, sometimes hated, sometimes bossed around, the idiot that taught me how to rollerblade but forgot to teach me how to stop (which is just pretty darn paradoxical and made for some hilarious times at the skating rink). . . . i doubt that guy is still around now, but maybe it's time to man up and give whomever-he-is-now a call. MUSIC: "Someone Else's Arms" - Mae MOOD: procrastinating LOCATION: back in the 101
so i guess that's good. i hope he's still doing well. i know he's had some hard knocks again in the past few years since high school.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
3 weeks later . . .
I have to type up more about my last group, but as for the current group . . . I feel like I have 10 little sisters living with me in the cabin right now. (2 went home early a few days ago, but they were awesome, too.) We talk about life, boys, friends, God, our struggles, and everyday stuff, and everything just FLOWS. It's amazing to hear their hearts and listen to them minister to each other with their questions and their problems. It's really an incredible group. And now I need to call my brother and go hear a few more camper testimonies.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Week 1 Reflections
Taken directly from my journal:
God, what have I learned from last week?
All the time in the world isn't going to be enough to spend with you so that I'll be prepared, but somehow, you make something good out of everything. YEA GOD!!!!!!!
Be patient with people, but it's okay to be strict on some things and still let teenagers be teenagers. Stop stressing over everything!!!!!
Who cares what everyone else thinks?
Confrontation is inevitable if I actually want to try to solve a problem and not just identify it. It's possible to confront someone in love and in a mature way.
"God conversation" is great, but there will be kids that just close up when things get too deep. But it's good to push them to a place where it's deeper than hey expected.
God's foresight is much stronger than even my aftersight. Accountability and consistency aren't "spiritual fireworks"-kinds of things, but they'll last you a lot longer.
When in doubt, ask myself: "What is God trying to accomplish here? Am I just following my own ideas of how it's supposed to be?"
Talk to the source of the problem second, pray first, and talk to someone else who can help or offer advice after praying more if the problem doesn't stop.
Immaturity from campers is easier to handle than that of coworkers.
Go crazy!!!! Why not?
There are battles I'll have to face on my own, relying only on God's strength.
I can pray in power, knowing once again for the first time that God will win.
Forgive and accept forgiveness; then forgive myself.
Have joy in all circumstances; decompartmentalize.
Look beneath the surface and communicate. If at first you don't like someone, look; look again.
God always provides.
Grace and encouragement bring the giver and receiver closer to God.
Friday, June 22, 2007
TST Week 1
Where do I start? This is my Wall-to-Wall on Facebook with LeDerrick during this week, and it seems an appropriate intro:
LeDerrick: Hey girl!! How are you!?
Me: i'm great!!!! we have the sweetest at life group of kids this week. the bonding is amazing, but with only 1 week -- it's tough. i feel like we're not given enough time to go deeper, and i'm having a hard time connecting w/ them at a deep level. and i'll be honest; yesterday i felt like such a failure w/ my kids and my co, too. so please pray!!!! satan's tryin to get a foothold.
LD: aww! That's great! So I did say some prayers for you this week so I hope your week got better and you were able to connect with your kids! The enemy is trying to get you BUT HE IS LIAR!!! Satan get thee behind!!
Me: yeah, it turned out to be okay. i didn't get to go as in depth as i'd hoped, but i think they all got something out of it. it was hard not only because of the 1-week thing, but also because we had a ton of campers who had done TST a few times before, and most of them came in groups from their schools. it was awesome because, at the end of the week, it seemed like they were ALL friends who had gone to the same school -- like old friends, the whole group. but that also means that they were able to goof off and all the stuff that goes with it together lol. i was really glad last night when some of the girls broke bread with me for "perseverance" with the devos (namely, for asking them questions and asking them to pray when they were starting to fall asleep) and for adjusting my expectations from new fro to TST. so that was nice. all in all we got to talk about recognizing God's voice, how to really know Jesus, consistency, and decompartmentalization.
so basically, just thinking back on it, i think that it went better than i thought it was doing throughout the week. :) it just seemed that, with a group of girls who already are Christians and have heard the normal curriculum, that we kind of just had to wing it sometimes. those ended up being the best times -- when we finally moved onto something they were interested in and that they hadn't already heard a lot before. and thanks for praying!!!!!!!!!! i really appreciate it. :D
I guess the light didn't come on at the end of the tunnel until I was looking over my shoulder. In retrospect, we really did get to go fairly in depth about stuff, just not the issues that I myself had wanted to get into. This was more of the everyday, messy parts of living out our faith. I guess that I really had a lot in common with these girls. I just wish I had been more able to see and communicate that. Funny thing, though; I was so hung up on the fact that these girls were so totally differentsocially than I was in high school, that I was completely blindsided, I guess. So let me write a bit about each of the kids, so that I'll know how to pray for each of them and encourage them as time goes on.
My work team: Tyler V, Tyler M, Deric, Jessie, Kelsey, Amara, Lisa, and Nicole N.
My small group: Jessie, Kelsey, Amara, Lisa, Nicole, Jessica, and Stacey.
My cabin: Jessie, Kelsey, Amara, Lisa, Nicole N, Jessica, Stacey, Kaleigh, Nicole S, Nicky B, Lindsay, Kelley, Laura,
The guys: Deric, Tyler P, Tyler V, Tyler M, JJ, Larry, Blake, Landon, Alex, and Max.
My co's: Lindsay S, Skylar V, Matt B, Ben (Verl's roommate); AD: Verl
How do I describe 24 people? AHHHHHH!
Tyler V - the funny guy; pray that he can hold strong to his faith and be serious when he needs to about his faith, do well & stay safe during soccer, good junior year, protect that heart. Memories: talking about soccer w/ him (not sure he wants to play next year since Varsity runs a ton), "Guys, I just really want to snuggle with him [the mole] right now!" --> "Hey, let's pretend we're vultures!" "Awwww" Run to infirmary for benadryl after pine sap. Having to split Tyler V & Tyler M up because they spend so much time together/talking that nothing gets done! Then he started working harder. Ran the log splitter a few times by himself (not "running" just guiding). Got SOAKED during water fight, even though he'd been just sitting there.
Tyler M - the cool guy who's not sure of the extent of his coolness; pray for confidence and leadership development, pray that he can see himself through God's eyes and not everyone else's, good junior year/soccer, follow God's example/guidance and not everyone else's, able to make his own decisions based on God, protect that heart. Memories: "PEASANT UPRISING" and all the embarrassment and begging that went on with it, "Hey, Tylers!" chat about confidence after campfire on the Hill, girls (Jessie & Amara) discussing how attractive they found him right next to him because he couldn't hear them (due to log splitter's motor) - yikes, getting drenched in water fight and soaking Kelsey on closing day during football, good worker, *zingers* carried all the pieces of stump to pile since it was infested w/ ants & no one else wanted to, Peasant Uprising on last day at mini rally, decided w/ Deric to make Jessica birthday cards on her birthday as a surprise.
Deric - the cocky guy who doesn't (usually) mind working; pray for humility, to see himself as God sees him, good junior year/soccer, protect his heart, accountability for/through friends. Memories: "zombie uprising" working hard with log splitter, "Deric says he worked harder than everyone" talking about music (TFK, Taking Back Sunday, Hawk Nelson, emo & screamo, etc.), *zingers* always teasing Lisa, jumping in & out of football game on Friday, comic relief, "i guarantee you that we won't get more than 3 logs split tomorrow" - "well, i'll bring an air horn if i have to" - "that still won't make us work" -- later "i knew this was gonna be a bad day" going to the infirmary because one of the girls dropped a stump on his ankle (black & blue & bleeding in 3 places - sweet!), 16th birthday on Friday, suckers from his mom, "DERIC'S a hard WORKER?" c/a "immature dad, little sister that gets into trouble all the time because she has ADHD & she's out of control" lol, same sort of background w/ dads & wood stacking, etc., caladonia has state footbal champs, but he doesn't play (sad day), really easy kid to talk to. Circled up to pray after doing wood, decided to debrief instead, Deric still holding hands w/ 2 girls (1 a senior, 1 a junior?) - robert "oh, you guys just want to hold hands, huh?" --> all 3 "ew, sick, that's gross!!!!!" HAHAHAHA
Jessie - the girl who came alone & bonded w/ everyone; pray for accountability & friends to support her, for everyone to actually hang out like they say they will & for jessie to be included, for God to bless & encourage her when she prays, for consistency, good junior year & guard her heart, forgive herself when she's given sins to God already. Memories: working hard with lisa & kelsey at wood splitter after robert and i had deric & amara take a break, haha wanting to help carry ant-infested wood, but being too grossed out, i remember that she burnt her nose & cheeks & that was it for the whole week, really kind, worked w/o drawing attention to herself, after the "respect talk" she tried to help out with that a lot, asked questions, really good answers, listened & disagreed when i was aiming for someone to tell the other side of things, really insightful, broke bread w/ me (perseverence at devos) & told me on Friday that i actually did a good job (meant a lot, but i still don't know if i believe it! hmm).
Kelsey - the funny girl; pray for accountability & friends to support & encourage her, for her to make good choices, realize what she's about to do before she does it & not just after, consistency & encouragement (esp. in prayer), good (junior?) year & guard her heart, not let that great sense of humor get her into trouble, become a better listener. Memories: took pride in her work, hilarious, "oinky oinky oink" had to sit by sewage pipe when verl was mayor, pictures w/ tyler m., falling asleep during devos & getting asked to pray/read, ALWAYS having a good time/talking w/ the tylers or deric (lol), good heart, sensitive about people making fun of what she says, but puts on a good front about it, always mixed juice & water (why am i putting this down?), wrestling with logs that were huge & too big for her, *zingers* washed a worm in water so tyler v. could eat it (promised him a candy bar & gave it to him later), always started or became a target in water fights.
Amara - the strong girl; pray for friends to love on her & help her through the tough times, a good senior year, find a church that will "speak her language," be able to be honest & open w/ her parents, let her be a kid. Memories: working really hard as soon as deric took a break and then not stopping until i had to pull her away later, sleeping in devos (lol), staying OUT of the water fight (the smart one lol), broke bread together, parents' ugly divorce, Armenian church w/ dad where she can't understand everything that's said, basically just sweet at life.
Nicole N - the team worker; pray for encouragement from friends & family, increasing consistency & depth, good junior year; worked really well w/ kelsey & lisa w/ the wood, answered questions in devos & really considered things, shines in groups because she pitches in and helps the team, great laugh, almost-inhaler-swap (lol now).
Lisa - everyone's sister; pray for a great senior year, consistency & accountability w/ friends. Memories: "dani, i really have been working!" *zingers* teased the tylers & deric & got teased mercilessly in return, worked really well in groups, listened (awake) during devos, but really quiet, didn't really feel like i connected w/ her that much - almost felt like she thought that i didn't like her or something, but it wasn't the case. didn't really know how to connect w/ her, but i did try (inadequate at that, though). should have tried harder, i think.
Stacey - "the cheerleader" (the open one); pray for senior year, for consistency & strengthen friendships w/ kaleigh & the group, God work through her doubts & strengthen her faith through them, work in family & friends, rebuild friendship w/ her friend who chose a boyfriend over her, good friends to keep her accountable. Memories - backflips in a row, aced the teams course on the tires, joyful practically all the time, worried about her doubts & that things said by atheist friends were making more & more sense, one friend who had kept her accountable had ditched her for a crummy bf, spoke up at devos & got to have good conversations through devos w/ her, asked good questions & seems to have maturity & lots of potential if she just sees these doubts & questions as places for God to teach & stretch her.
Jessica - the outgoing, mature one; pray for this year at school (senior?), consistency, accountability, & decompartmentalization. Memories: "i don't want to just set aside a time to pray during the day. i want that to become a part of who i am, all the time." blew me away w/ her maturity and insightful answers, really wise, had her birthday on wednesday & got presents from the guys, returned the favor & made cards & got candy for deric on his birthday, great part of the group.
Co's - dealt a lot w/ lack of structure; Lindsay & I got really frustrated & the guys got frustrated w/ us because they're both more hands-off; felt like Lindsay thought I was just immature & was treating me like a camper, but it turned out that we have a lot in common & it was just misperceptions; Lindsay & I both struggled w/ training & superficiality of friendships & lack of new friends made during training, frustration w/ TST; lots of tardiness; Skylar wants less structure, Linds & I want more, Matt's still just a kid. Sometimes I believed that our kids were really trying to take advantage or pull the wool over our eyes & I was way too suspicious from stories of other crew chiefs. Skylar & Matt's kids slept in & were late for work on 1st day, our kids did that 2 days later & were on time for work, but didn't have much time for breakfast. Linds went off on Matt about lack of communication & punctuality, had a meeting later. Before meeting, got so frustrated w/ lack of focus at small group that I promised girls they could have showers that night, even though Verl had implied to me & told Linds that showers were a no that night. Verl really upset, he got in trouble, and I felt terrible, still felt at that point that Linds didn't like me as a co or in general. Starting to cry but hid it, but Skylar kept tapping my foot w/ his and asked me how I was doing -- meant a LOT. Felt really comfortable w/ Skylar & Verl, even though Skylar & I are so different in our ideas of being a crew chief, he even brought a question to Liz once and never once let a dispute over something turn into an argument, love his maturity. Got really upset that Matt was being overly sarcastic & inappropriate, asked him to work on both & he did (except yelling at kids outside bathroom as a joke & hurting the girls' feelings), didn't encourage him like I should have, though. Felt good about working w/ same team by the end of the week, but then got really upset by sexist comments that Matt made at the bank. Really worried about his immaturity and the things he'll say this coming week. Verl amazing, love encouraging him & how he likes being encouraged, frustration that encouragement doesn't seem to do much for Skylar & Linds, have been too frustrated w/ Matt most of the time to even see the positive to tell him, honestly. Ben was such a quiet servant, and he just gives off the smell of God. (I think we all gave off the smell ofsomething this week in the heat lol.)
Friday, June 15, 2007
Failure again . . .
Today, I had my final (in 2 parts), a final quiz (in 2 parts), and a class evaluation for the wrap-up of my online stats class. Camp being what it is and how it is, I just really haven't had the time to put into the class to get it all done, even though I've gotten up at 5 or 6 a couple of times to work on stuff for the class. So I didn't finish half the final, half the final quiz, or even the class eval. One of my friends from Res Staff says that I should email the prof, but I know the expectations were clarified straight up before I took the class, so it's my fault if I've failed to meet those expectations. I'm pretty sure I just bombed this class. Smack. At least I got to work on the 1st half of the quiz after I thought I could. I hate my life. Not really -- just the stupid requirements for 1-month summer classes. It's pretty much miserable.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
ready to run :)
yesterday, i watched saved! lol, i've heard a lot of people say that they hate the movie for making a mockery of Christianity, but i love it. i don't think it's mocking Christianity, but it is mocking Christians. we just don't like people to point out our flaws. it's funny that one of the main characters, probably the most "grounded" kid in the movie, is a "normal" Christian. it's funny, there's this note on facebook that i read last year that promised that eminem was going to become a Christian, preachin' the word of God by the end of 2006. this note was based on the words of some modern "prophet" who was sought out by the President. well, THAT makes me believe he's for real. i think it's awesome when people are centered and certain of their faith, but when someone's blaring it over the loudspeakers, it sometimes makes me wonder. i have no right to judge, and i know from experience that maturity comes with time and trials. anyways, it happens. i know that i was there and did that, too. i was a little brat with a sailor's mouth. haha and cody would probably say i'm still a brat sometimes, and i do still have a nasty temper when i'm mad. anyways, moving on.
i've been working on stats for what seems like forever. i finally stopped because the voice on the presentations was driving me nuts. oh, well, i got a good break, and i got to work on this. and now it's time to shower, check out, and head back home to finish up the class and then work on open house stuff w/ my brother. hopefully an uneventful 4-hour trip home. :)
