Musings

I'm in a sort of creative mood, I guess. I feel like writing. But I just don't have anything earth-shattering to write about. I'm excited for Christmas (and by that, I mean Thanksgiving -- if you come along on Friday night, you'll understand), and I can't wait to come up with (hopefully) really well-chosen, meaningful gifts for the people I love. I want to light candles and string up lights and make hot cocoa with peppermint whipped cream. It's all more meaningful than a sticker with my name on it under a dead piece of wood -- I like the symbolism and the atmosphere and the love best. I even miss the stark landscape of curly-haired cattle against a dirty-snow landscape, complete with sparse, colorless trees against a grey horizon, with the wind tearing at my face and numbing my fingers and toes. I miss seeing neon orange people walking around, sledding behind the snowmobile (as long as I'm not driving), and having to practically throw my pansy dog into the first big snow.

I miss tacky tinsel in my brother's room, all the ornaments that used to mean so much (which have all disappeared), the lights and garland and "Take Off (To the Great White North)" on the record player. I miss the poinsettia lights. These things are a part of a chapter that has closed in my life, though, at least for my family. I think I'd like to revive them in my own life. Maybe next year, or the next, or the next, and so the reasoning goes for another year.

And this year, I have a new someone in my life. I didn't really expect this, honestly. And he's okay, I guess. (haha) Really, he's fantastic. I'm still trying to adjust to being in a relationship, because I'm really used to being on my own. But, although I don't want to write about Jason or talk about Jason all the time as that girl that everyone secretly starts to want to strangle, I'm pretty fond of the guy. :)

Best album to listen to for Christmas that has nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever: Lou Rawls: Greatest Hits. It's just good. Very good.

Anyway, yeah. So my mom and Bob have decorated their house in a nautical theme, although my mom goes for apples and old-fashioned farm-type stuff in her old house, too. My dad decorates his house with paperwork and his yard with typical white trash Americana. Cody is a typical (well, kind of) college kid and RA in Dunn, and he likes tech-y things, Old Navy, good music, and good movies, but I don't really want to go that route again. Tang is a pain in the butt, because she likes theology, but has no time to read, and she doesn't journal; she blogs. I once got her candles, which, I believe, she's just started using in this past year (except that I think I got them for her 3-4 years ago lol). Steven Charles, well, I've got an idea for him. He's relatively easy (HAHAHA). And there's always liquor for Steve. :D Then my roommates, probably Derrick (whose name I have been misspelling in texts -- such a jerk), Maya, Matt and Niccole (but I have their gift picked out already), Pete, Hutsell, Taps, my girls (Anita, Suz, Miranda, JJ), Jonah Tang, Kristyn, Deeter, AP, Amanda, some other friends, and Mary and Ken Howell. I think I might have left someone out . . . ;) But I've already started planning that one, I think. The difficulty comes in figuring out what I can make or afford that would actually mean something to each person.

I have to go to work now.

Anime Weirdo :)

So you need to leave my head, because I can't concentrate. :P Not that I'm too good at that anyway . . .

On a side note, Josh and Jason and Jael, the three of you who actually read this a veces (from time to time) . . . I have a question for you. I'm thinking about making my Christmas gifts this year. (No, I will not try to make a million scarves again, because I can never get the length right, and the wool gets itchy pretty fast. Plus, I'm pretty much over that for awhile.) So any ideas? I'm so excited for Christmas! I think I might take up wood carving and see if I can manage to not suck at that; otherwise, I'll get bored soon after and just buy gifts. Anyway.

The Valley

I recognize the stages. It starts out with slight discrepancies in my organization and preparedness; an assignment that gets forgotten about until just days before, showing up late for class, a messy room, papers everywhere except where they should be. . . . Then, slowly, slowly it progresses, until, at the first major peak of assignments, responsibilities, deadlines, my life erupts.

I had tried to ignore this when I saw it coming weeks ago. I lied to myself that it was the late nights that were making it suddenly hard to get out of bed. I ignored the spiritual slippery-slope, the shucked responsibilities, even the apathetic dullness that seemed to have thickened over my motivation to do much of anything, even keep up with good friends.

The pattern is the same. I have a lot to do, but can't concentrate on anything; I just want to hide away and run for sleep's cover. I inevitably miss a deadline or two. I get behind, and I can't bear the idea of the look I know I will see in my professors' dissecting eyes, the tone I will hear in their voices and their slicing words. I can't bear to face my failure, and I slowly remove myself from the lives of all but those I care most about. I exult mere musings of isolation into a reality I have chosen and created over the course of a few short weeks. I feel next to nothing, except shame and despondency, and although I can still enjoy a good friend's joke, I feel as though made out of cardboard. I lose even a desire to eat, but I eventually do so out of boredom or the sheer logic of necessity. I sabotage myself before anyone else can, and I hide away from people in general in order to avoid the disappointed, accusing stares of those who have relied on me and whom I have let down, or those who see me as a tremendous, sad waste of potential. I get stuck in this cyclical mindset, and I drag myself further, further, deeper down into a pit.

I haven't made it through all of these phases of the descent yet, but I have certainly started through the progression. It worries me. It scares me.

I don't have time for another deep depression. I don't have time for a minor one. I'm not prepared for the emotional, physical, educational, social, and spiritual tolls of this.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope this isn't another bout of depression.

Apathy has got a hold on me now . . .

1. What's my mood like right now?
"Deadwood Mountain" - Big & Rich
Kind of depressing.

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
"Dead Wrong" - The Fray
Greattttt.

3. What kind of person am I?
"Belgium (Boy Band Mix)" - Bowling for Soup
I can only hope to be that awkward.

4. Am I loved?
"A Long December" - Counting Crows
Don't know what that means, but at least it's a good song.

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
"One-Eighty By Summer" - Taking Back Sunday
You're tellin' me . . .

6. What should I do with my life?
"My Nutmeg Phantasy" (Morello Mix) - Macy Gray
Sure.

7. What is my theme song?
"There's Only One (Holy One)" - Caedman's Call
Not my music, my brother's. . . . I like the idea, but hate the song.

8. What is my best quality?
"Centerfold" - J. Geils Band
HAHAHAHA

9. How does my sex life look?
"Radio Ga-Ga" - Queen
What?
"Valley Winter Song" - Fountaiins of Wayne
How have I never heard this song? Nice.

10. What's the meaning of life?
"For All We Know" - Nat King Cole
So life is about hedonism, once you remove the romantic aspect?

11. How do people see me?
"Fly Me to the Moon" - Frank Sinatra
So in other words, people love me so much they want to boot me into space. Well, that's exciting.

12. Would I make a good catch?
"Masterpiece" - Bayside
Hopefully that means I would, and not that I'm a staggering alcoholic.

13. How crazy am I?
"Will You Be There?" (single version) - Michael Jackson
So I'm paranoid and mistrustful?

14. Will I have a good life in general?
"The Other Side of the Hill" - Chris LeDoux
Good.

15. What do I deep down think about my friends?
"Stupid Boy" - Keith Urban
Hahaha oh no!

16. Can *hot celeb* and I ever be more than friends?
"Fall at Your Feet" - Magnet
Oh, heck no.

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
"Fly With Me" - 98 Degrees (I'm not ashamed)
Okay . . .

18. Where will I be in a year?
"Til Kingdom Come" - Coldplay
???

19. What is my biggest wish?
"Everything I Once Had" - The Honorary Title
Awesome song.

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
"Something Pretty" - Patrick Park
Oh gosh. I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like.

21. How will I die?
"One of These Days" - Tim McGraw
So, who knows, but soon? How optimistic.

22. What will happen after I die?
"lue Jeans"- Keith Urban
So wear blue jeans and remember me lol.

23. How do my friends feel about me?
"Steady at the Wheel" - Shooter Jennings
That is NOT how my friends feel about me. Jonah says, "You're not a TERRIBLE driver, for a girl." Kristyn just laughs at me when I say I'm a good driver haha.

24. What's my worst nightmare?
"Taking Care of Business" - Bachman-Turner Overdrive
I would never want to become just some suit. Desk jobs and monotony -- unless I'm writing, kindly shoot me first.

25. What would make me truly happy?
"A Boy Named Sue" - Johnny Cash
Don't think so.

26. What do you truly believe in?
"Say You Love Me or Say Goodnight" - REO Speedwagon
Haha bluntness; speaking my mind. True story.

27. What will you get arrested for?
"Sonny" - New Gound Glory
It's dark if you know the words; otherwise, maybe I'll get arrested for doing beating some poor schmuck with my purse at the grocery store as an old lady. (It's all I could think of from the title.)

28. What makes you feel the most alive?
Come Thou Fount - David Crowder Band

29. What does nobody know about you?
"One More Time - Richard Gibbs"
The bro's music, but this one doesn't make sense.
"Crying Shame" - Jack Johnson
Not much better at all.

30. The song that will define your day...
"Please Call Me, Baby" - Tom Waits
Oh, please no. Such an amazing song, though.

Random things from today . . .

I'm not good with conflict, and I'm definitely not good at telling someone they're wrong, even though this needs to happen. Some things just go too far.

I'm not feeling filled up spiritually. Maybe it's because I've been missing church lately, or because I haven't been reading my Bible. (Hmmm, ya think?) Believe it or not, I actually do get something out of each of those, as much as I feel like a stereotype saying that. ;)

I have a friend who wrote recently that he has felt compelled to tell people he's been reading his Bible, praying, etc. when he hasn't been. I feel the need to do these things (really, it not only keeps me focused on something bigger than myself, but just affects me for the better in general, I think), but I don't make time.

I used to get up early in the morning, which basically gave me time to do devos before class and a lot of time to waste, too. This morning, I decided to "get up early" at 7:30 to shower and get ready for work at 9 am, but I reset my alarm for 8:20. That obviously made me rush, and I was 5 minutes late to work. This shutting off the alarm and/or resetting it thing has got to stop. I can't let myself go academically before I've even reached the middle of the semester, and it's also stealing my one time in the day when I can get refilled spiritually. Grrr. I need coffee, because I am grumpy today, and all of my frustrations are aimed at myself.

. . . So apparently Maya did the same thing this morning. Gosh we're sweet.

Yup

I'm blessed. :) That's all for now. 

How on Earth . . .

. . . does a girl know when she's just fulfilling a role and when she's not? I think too much. I worry to much. I analyze too much. A more encompassing question might be, how on Earth does a girl stop over-thinking and over-complicating things? As one Saturday Night Live shrink says, "STOP IT!!!!!! STOP. IT. JUST STOP IT!!!!!!"

In other news, Encore is still happening. This Saturday at 8 and 10.

AlemaniAAAAAAAA!

Someone read my blog. TWO people did. Yay for you! I think that might be a first lol. :)

P.S. Since this is my blog, even if it gags you, I'm saying it. I've got a great man. :) Apparently they grow them in Alemania. ;)

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 . . .

TEN random things about me:
10. I will burn for about 3 weeks straight before I can finally start to tan, and even then, it's iffy.
9. I'm an aggressive driver, and I will road-rant half jokingly (although that is not a word).
8. I'm a grammar nut. Seriously, I love proofreading. My dream job would either be teaching middle and high school kids (I'd love to have a class based less on literature and more on how to write a paper for all their other classes, including science papers!) or doing some sort of copy writing for the Indianapolis Colts.
7. I can't pay attention to anything for too long without getting bored. I don't have a favorite color, a favorite song, a favorite outfit, a favorite . . . anything. I switch genres of foods, music, television shows, and anything else that gets monotonous in my life from time to time.
6. I analyze pretty much everything. I evaluate everything. I'm always assessing where I'm at and where I could or should be at. And I really like to go deep. One of my spiritual strengths is my intentionality.
5. I'm a farm girl. I love farming, cattle, animals, and the gorgeous scenery that you just can't find in the city. But, I love the architecture, art, not-for-profits, and the general sense of community that can be found in the city if you look in the right places, too. :)
4. I really value my independence. REALLY.
3. I'm pretty flippant, but I have a hefty guilt complex (crippling, sometimes).
2. I'm an ESFP -- a "performer," but I'd say that it makes me an introspective, talkative, communal, compassionate, eager-to-please, empathetic individual. It doesn't have to be so shallow.
1. I am a tomboy. I love football, especially the Colts. :) I love rugby. I love to lift, and I have the man arms to prove it. I have "car hormones." And, I guess I fancy myself a "tough girl," even though I have no pain tolerance. All that said, coffee, chocolate, cooking, bubble baths, and shopping (window shopping because I'm in college) all make me happy, too. :)

NINE ways to win my heart:
9. Be adventurous. Try new things, be active, and encourage me to try new things, too. Do stuff that's out of the norm (especially outdoor things!).
8. Be unique, and spur on my own uniqueness. Have opinions that aren't based on everyone else around you, but don't just obsess over ideas and the more active parts of life, either. Challenge me to think about new ideas in a positive, encouraging way, not cramming anything down my throat, and help me avoid getting stuck in my own head and missing out on life.
7. Be blunt with me, but don't be a jackass. I may get really irritated when someone talks to me like my dad does (in a way that makes me feel almost attacked), but sometimes, that honest, obtuse approach is needed. I value that thousands of times more than constant, sentimental agreement.
6. Be comfortable in your own skin -- not arrogant or stuck in your ways, but definitely okay with who you are.
5. Encourage me!!!!!! Challenge me to be the best I can be all the time, and ENCOURAGE me to reach that potential, especially when I'm struggling.
4. Accept me unconditionally. It's such a weird feeling to experience, but I appreciate it. That's not to say that you can't challenge me, though.
3. Ask me how I'm doing spiritually. Be open and transparent with me. Tell me how you're doing. Walk with me in my spiritual journey, and invite me allong into yours. Be sincere. Don't allow me to accept mediocrity.
2. Let me know that I'm significant, that I'm valued. I don't always feel that way.
1. When I'm looking away, recognize when 1) I'm being ADD; 2) I'm upset, but don't want or need (or have the time) to go into it; and 3) I'm upset and don't want to go into it, but I need to go into it regardless of my desire to tough it out. Don't force me, because I can be pretty guarded. Ask me the tough questions, though, and stick around for the answers. Ask because you care, and be my shoulder to cry on when I can't help but break down. If you are that "somewhere" that I can actually go to, it will mean a lot.

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8. Live out my idealism. Really live a life of service and advocacy. See the face of God in people from all walks of life (rich and poor, all ages, genders, races, sexual orientations, religions, etc.), even when I struggle to see the hand of God in their situations.
7. Learn to dance like normal people. :) (My upper body is as inflexible as a block of ice.)
6. Reconcile with the boy who taught me to swear.
5. Take a cooking class in Italy. Take a ballet class in Paris. Become graceful (pound some fluidity into my body, and hammer out some of that clumsiness). Learn to paint, to write better, to capture the beautiful melancholy of life in photographs. Help coach a football team. Attend a Colts game. (This is way more than 8 in 1 question.)
4. To be and become an exciting, challenging, encouraging, and great teacher. To be a loving, compassionate, sexy partner and wife to some great guy . . . someday. To create the marriage I've always wanted to see from others: a steadfast, mutually-encouraging, healthy, and dynamic marriage. To be an affectionate, encouraging, assertive (but not controlling) mother . . . someday.
3. Travel. Road trips, tent camping, backpacking, foreign countries, you name it. . . . Do exciting things. Base jump. Climb crazy cliffs. Learn how to skateboard (haha -- that would be funny to watch).
2. Learn as many languages as I can -- common languages, obscure languages, Greek- and Latin-based.
1. Experience genuine community. Make a difference in someone else's life, and know that I mattered, that I actually made a difference while I was here. Become a really great, really intentional encourager.

SEVEN ways to annoy me:
7. Don't use your turn signal, or almost hit me with your car. (My road rage is very real for the second one, but I will only yell what I think of your jerk move from inside my car.)
6. Point out all my flaws to me and make fun of me in a way that we both know is not teasing.
5. Mess with someone I love. Bad-mouth someone I love. I've been told I'm "a Mama Bear," and darned if I don't think that was pretty dang accurate. Also, regardless of whether I know the target or not, I hate it when people gang up on or make fun or another person just to feel more powerful.
4. Don't let me have my independence, in one way or another. Whether it's by leaning on me for everything, whining incessantly and re-directing (and therefore smothering) all conversation, or re-defining me as your narcissistic image of yourself, just don't. Take advantage of me, whether you take advantage of my sense of moral responsibility, my need to be everyone's friend, or my passive lack of confrontation. I love being treated as a doormat (that's sarcasm, kids).
3. Try to tell me how to run my life. I don't care if you think yours is better than mine; heck, I don't care if I think yours is better than mine. I don't like my choices to be made for me.
2. Misinterpret my friendship as something more. Because I take a genuine interest in you, try to take more of me than that.
1. General haughtiness. It's really irritating.

SIX things I like:
6. variety and adventure (even though I'll fight it at first)
5. being outdoors
4. encouraging and being encouraged; deep conversations; loving through cooking
3. hot chocolate with peppermint whipped cream; cuddling :)
2. Colts football :)
1. Coffee, chocolate, hammering on the piano (my Midol)

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5. any living creature small enough to climb up my pant leg (rats/mice, bugs, spiders, stingy creatures, snakes, etc.)
4. heights and water
3. things coming too easily
2. a broken marriage; repeating mistakes
1. failure, especially letting people down; rejection

FOUR favorite items in my room:
4. my Bible
3. my gueetar
2. my great-grandparents' cedar hope chest
1. my bed

THREE things I do everyday:
3. text Jason a million times (embarrassed to say)
2. listen to my iPod
1. have a hard time getting out of bed

TWO things I want to do right now:
2. have answers . . . have more time to blog
1. hit the hay :)

ONE person I really want to see right now:
1. . . . I will see for breakfast in the morning. :) Either that, or Ken and Mary, who, as two people, would not qualify as an answer to this question.

hmm...

Sometimes I worry not only about spewing clichés, but also becoming one myself. 

anita has a dream . . . i just theorize

old post from myspace that i thought i'd bring over here . . .

i have a theory: that being constantly reminded of and held to the sum of your flaws keeps your from rising above them. because some of these unsavory qualities can be overcome, and some will remain or even increase as time passes by. the trick is to know which ones are part of you and stick with you, and to know which are possible to shed completely, or to considerably improve upon, or merely to accept as struggles of shadows that will walk side by side with you until darkness finally separates you, frees you.

this is why unbalanced or unchecked self awareness can be dangerous. this 'awareness' is more like pointless martyrdom when its focus is solely on knowing your own flaws, because then, you lose the ability power, not the ability, to truly change and grow into the person you have the potential to be. if only i knew how to balance far-fetched optimism and plans with the weight of my shadow to peel a few layers off that load.

a poignant life

things that create a beautiful melancholy (or "In hours of weariness, sensations sweet") in me . . .

*a wheat field just before harvest
*the smell of rain when you walk through wet grass
*"summertime" by ella fitzgerald & louis armstrong
*watching someone dance with talented fluidity, like they've got a secret
*the crisp air and the lights and excitement at a friday night football game
*black and white photographs
*banjo and acoustic guitar picking
*the ability to paint what you feel
*the sound of rustling leaves
*honest, hard work that leaves you tired, sweating, and hungry
*calves playing and running in their first couple months of life
*the blind, empty-headed loyalty of old cows and steers
*the way my dog sits and stares at me when i sneak outside for a cry, or the way she sits on my feet the moment i walk in the door
*hugs from a familiar old friend
*friends who understand without speaking and still talk things out anyway -- the cameraderie that we have
*hammering out frustration and turning it into joy or sorrow just by the songs i play on the piano and finding cathartic contentment
*barley fields (probably the most beautiful fields ever)
*fresh spring grass on bare feet
*fresh spring wheat
*racing my dog to the mailbox
*mental photographs
*the familiarity of the flattest farmland anywhere
*earning my blisters and scars
*the feeling once the cattle are IN the trailer (seriously)
*walking around the livestock exchange at auction day
*driving by myself with the radio blaring and the windows down, and singing as loudly and terribly as i can at the top of my lungs
*a beautiful song that makes me feel like i'm alone on the road when i'm in my apartment
*peers who surprise me by caring like friends
*architecture
*tears of happiness
*uncut alfalfa fields
*my great grandpa's shop and its smell
*puzzles with my grandpa aldrich
*sawdust and the smell of cow manure
*rodeos
*the sound of a river
*fairs, with the midway, the kids (so proud of their animals), the STEERS, the calves, getting ready for show, the ducklings . . .
*writing something that still sounds good later (a rarity)
*a friend's passion for the hungry and for heaven on earth and social justice
*just floating next to the boat on the lake
*picking raspberries and feeding them to george, the donkey
*catching wild kittens and "tamin' 'em down"
*opening up the jet ski (the slower one, of course, lol) and catching a wave that totally soaks me
*the startling emergence of carpet when i clean my room
*knowing that someone appreciates me
*conversations where i get to hear my brother's wisdom & share what i hope to be my own
*sisterhood in faith
*BRONNER'S & the bavarian inn a couple days after thanksgiving
*Robert Frost, Maya Angelou, Homer, and William Wordsworth
*long lists that no one else will probably read ;)
*mercy & grace, compassion
*tent camping, or even better, sleeping out under the stars
*my extra family (i still need to go buy an MSU football)
*the cut river overpass
*freshly mowed grass
*that dirt layer that gets on the bottom of my jeans after just an hour outside at SpringHill
*The Hill & The Hill Beyond The Hill
*the taste of the first snow and the silence that accompanies a snowstorm out in the country
*that green color of spring that disappears for the rest of the year
*SpringHill lovin'
*the smell of mud and new grass and partially decayed leaves in the spring
*seeing an old friend's face again
*hearing a band that sounds like an old friend
*the smell of sweat and mud and grass stains after a football game
*Christmas lights
*stars at SpringHill (they're just so clear up there)
*helping someone that needs it
*sharing in suffering
*saying ridiculous and random things
*the sound at the coco craft barn bridge
*sticking my legs into a natural spring all the way up to my knees
*"secret" bridges
*wood cabins
*no electricity
*bootle feeding a calf
*bedding down pens with calves in them! haha
*the fact that my cousin TJ talks just like our dads
*praying to God as the wind whisks tree leaves around and around
*that great, familiar, musty smell of our cabin when we first get there
*great conversations about theology over the phone at 1 am
*ice cream & fried cauliflower w/ the "kintuck" friends
*walking the streets of ann arbor and "awkward teepee" in the middle of the sidewalk
*man fires
*belaying huge old men lol
*trying Greek food for the first time and getting sick (who knew that the lamb came with the ribs still sticking out of it? not me!)
*popsicles in the summer
*big goofy grins from friends when something is funny
*friends who laugh at my sad attempts to be funny
*that great feeling of getting the most out of your muscles when you run on legs that are really tight but never actually cramp up (amazing)
*encouraging & being encouraged
*runner's euphoria (terrifying the first time)
*running outside during a tornado warning
*playing with hair & having mine played with
*teaching 4-year-olds how to play football (make that attempting)
*"green tea to help you sleep" and staying up all night in a camper beside the walnut tree
*sleeping outside all night in sleeping bags & keeping the fire going on our own in 4th grade . . . we were so proud
*kids with special needs
*older people
*Dove dark chocolate
*cooking for loved ones
*a friend who sticks up for you when you least expect it
*four leaf clovers and my sisters that go along with them
*trees and moss
*hobo dinners & hobo pies (different things)
*my plastic tractor, my bamboo bowl, and letters from cherished friends -- not the momentos, but the love behind them
*falling asleep to the sound of a heartbeat
*taking care of people
*the sound of people's breathing as they fall asleep ;)
*"wrist zapper things"
*unconditional acceptance
*hugs from loved ones
*blatant honesty that springs from intimacy
*the essence of fall and the way it captures the memory of a bygone friend
*cider, donuts, crunchy leaves, ridiculous squirrels, hayrides, bonfires, and sweatshirts and blankets at games in the fall
*forgiveness
*great-grandmothers-in-law ;)
*grandfatherly friends :D
*"DID I MISS 60B? DID I MISS 60B?!!!!!"
*http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/You%27ve_Got_Mail
*"Whudjyou DO?!!!"

i could go on and on . . .