. . .

i've go to say, i'm really satisfied with life. not that it isn't hard; not that i don't have bad days or loads of homework. but i'm actually HAPPY with what i'm studying now. i can't believe how long it's been when i've enjoyed all of my classes, especially when they required a heavy work load. i guess that, for all of the English classes that i'm taking, they don't require much more than reading, quizzes, papers, and a few occasional tests. and i love that we spend each class session discussing and analyzing great literary pieces (although i would argue that, even with all of its hidden political, psychological, and religious innuendos, james joyce's "the dead" is not on the top of my list). what strikes me most here is that, regardless of correctness, my opinion matters. i don't feel stupid (so much) when i misunderstand something in class; it's considered only a misinterpretation. that's the great thing about literature. and i FINALLY get to read "the classics" -- even though these are the "modern" classics. oh, and i really like virginia woolf. i wish i could have met her in person back in the day. anyway, God is good. i need to keep reminding myself of that, because, although i know he's always here, i haven't felt his constant presence, although i have felt his constant blessing. it always makes me nervous when things seem to be going well, because i don't want to get into the habit of only following God and seeking him when i need him. and that's probably where i'm at right now, because i'm not really seeking. i'm spending all of my free time studying, socializing (believe me, it's not like i spend a night on the town or anything, just a lunch here or a dinner there with a friend). ahhhhhhhhh! God is so good! but i'm not communicating with him. and i guess, until now, i hadn't realized that he was communicating with me -- except, i just realized that maybe these blessings, this happiness, this joy even in the midst of everything are his messages of love to me. but i want to be challenged; i want to be pushed; i want to struggle! i think that that has been my comprehension of what it means to be a Christian. it's not just seeking God; it's a critical self-awareness and the constant desire to mold that into God's mould. i've been thinking a lot lately about paul's words in 1 corinthians 4: "3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." i'm trying to stop judging myself, even though that's what my faith has meant to me for years. and maybe if i can't get into my Bible on some days, i don't have to tear myself apart for failing God, but i can talk to him and communicate with him through prayer instead.

love letters from Satan (lies to a former slave)

it's so much easier to fight off temptation when you recognize its distinct voice, its clever ploys and selling-power schemes. go figure that this would be in the Bible. "devil's commercials take 105." anyway.


i have no willpower or self control. none whatsoever.

i have been trying to fight these little, bad habits (not to be sugar coated; for sure they are sins) that have crept in on me over the years, habbits which gently pull at me like a singular, invisible, silken thread, like the pied piper making each child believe that it is his or her own choice to skip along merrily to cheery doomsday music.

all day today, i have tasted the word "sennacherib" on my tongue, rolling it over and over in my mouth and my thoughts until the very color and taste of each consonant bubbled to the surface of my consciousness for scrutiny. and so, naturally, once my agenda was free, i searched this word out in my Bible, the familiarity of it nagging at the back of my mind as i tried to match person or place to name.

it was the story of Hezekiah's enemy in 2 kings 18. sennacherib was the assyrian king who demanded that hezekiah either submit to him or prepare to do battle with him. sennacherib's words, loudly proclaimed and no doubt later whispered in the streets and in dark, mutinous corners across the kingdom, rang all too recognizable to me, but i was surprised to see these very same thoughts and well-aimed attacks on paper.

"on what are you basing this confidence of yours? you say you have _________ -- but you speak only empty words. on whom are you depending, that you rebel against me? look now, you are depending on _______, that splintered reed of a staff, which pierces a man's hand and wounds him when if he leans on it! such is ____________ to all who depend on him. and if you say to me, 'we are depending on the LORD our God' -- isn't he the one whose high places and altars Hezekiah removed, saying to Judah and Jerusalem, 'you must worship before this altar in Jerusalem'? come now, make a bargain with my master, the king of _______: i will give you two thousand horses -- if you can put riders on them!"

(this is where it would vary with me)

"[how can you now repulse my officials and turn to another's, when you have followed me in the past?]

"furthermore, have i come to attack and destroy this place without word from the LORD? the LORD himself told me to march against this country and destroy it."

all this was said in plain hearing and view of the common people, with the intent of dividing the body of Israel against itself, casting doubt on Israel's stance. the Israelite messengers knew this and asked sennacherib's field commander to speak in his own language, so that the people would not have to listen to it. and then, the field commander continues:

"was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the men sitting on the wall -- who, like you, will have to eat their own filth and drink their own urine? . . . this is what the king says: do not let Hezekiah deceive you. he cannot deliver you from my hand. do not let Hezekiah persuade you to trust in the LORD when he says, 'the LORD will surely deliver us; this ______ will not be given into the hand of ________.' do not listen to Hezekiah. . . . make peace with me and come out to me. then every one of you will eat from his own vine and fig tree and drink water from his own cistern, until i come and take you to a land like your own, a land of grain and new wine, a land of bread and vineyards, a land of olive trees and honey. choose life and not death! do not listen to Hezekiah, for he is misleading when he says, 'the LORD will deliver us.' has the god of any nation ever delivered his land from the hand of _______? [where has your God been in the past?] . . . how then can the LORD deliver you from my hand?"

isn't this the way Satan works, tearing me down, pitting me against myself, appealing to each individual part of my body, of my thought process, my emotions?

"you think you can finally decide to quit doing this? hahaha. who do you think you are? suddenly you have discipline, self control, willpower? every time you say that, you know you stumble and fail. and GOD?????? you make him sick. i have it on good authority that you're out of his good book. you're on your own. i've got God's wrath on my side; you can't crucify him twice, so i get to crucify you. you're mine for ever and ever, and i've got God telling me that.

"if you do decide to stick this one out, for however long you actually make it, you'll still lose. it'll just be a hard, sacrificial road to losing that you'll be walking. and at the end, you'll be mine and not God's.

"stop saying you're counting on God to get you through this. you don't even know how to do that, and besides, he's not going to help you. he's not there for you, not anymore. you've turned your back on him, and now he's been forced to do the same. so suck it up and give in already. it's not even worth the fight. 'fully relying on God' hasn't been your strong point in the past, and it's never done you a lick of good anyway. you always go back to your cage like a beaten dog and lie down in your own waste again. you can't change your stripes; don't you remember that?

"what you should do is just give up, follow me, give in. it's seriously more fun over here than all that struggling for nothing, anyway. this hasn't ever worked in the past; you're still fighting this after countless battles, with countless more to come. there's no way you're going to crawl past this one suddenly victorious."

i could stop right there. i could give in to discouragement, depression, apathy, a renewed sense of failure. i could run full force toward these supposed olive groves and the land of milk and honey, like i've done in the past. but experience has taught me that those olives are rotten; the milk and honey are mirages in the desert. the 'land like my own' that i'm being led to, through a series of choices that seem like no big deal, no big difference from those around me, from where i came -- i realize as i look around that i'm being led as a slave in shackles to a beaten, broken, dark and empty place. i've been to the other side, and it's not all it's cracked up to be. the other side is no good for me when Jerusalem is where i was meant to stay. it's where i'm meant to return, albeit a lot more humble and willing to clean pig pens or scrub toilets or whatever i can do to get back to where i belong.

i'm still meant for Israel, for Jerusalem, i believe. and i recognize this, know this more fully because, like the sting of alcohol on a gaping, infected wound, my experiences and my battle scars have left me a bit harder, but a bit wiser, too: i know that i do not belong to satan because he still has to lie to me. if i did not belong to God, if there was no hope for my return to where i need to be, then there would be no point of trying to pull me back across enemy lines. yes, i have made many mistakes. but if a prisoner of war wanted to return, and he was no longer welcome in his own country, why would his captors try to prevent him from an escape attempt? unless he was able to return, maybe even to share with others what he knows of the enemy, then this would be a bit redundant on the part of the enemy, the "sennacherib."

and so i read on.

2 kings 19.

God says to Hezekiah, through Isaiah: "do not be afraid of what you have heard -- those words with which the underlings of the king of Assyria have blasphemed me. listen! i am going to put such a spirit in him that when he hears a certain report, he will return to his own country, and there i will have him cut down with the sword."

God wins. BAAM! that's all there is to say about that. God will win, if i hang in there. but that requires patience, faith, perseverance, and lots of determination. and having faith is the key to all these other things.

"now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1