Military Update *short*

Because I want a specific job, I would have to go to boot camp at a specific time. Basically, I would have to go to specialized training the week after boot camp was over, so my recruiter (one of them) has been trying to figure out which dates I could start boot camp on to take this position. It's all based on when they run a new batch into the DLI (Defense Language Institute). I'm really excited, because my mom has been hounding me about taking a bunch of time off after I finish up my classes in August.

On the school front, I think I've finally figured out what my second upper-division writing intensive will be for this summer. I talked to Dr. Shrock today about the possibility of taking Middle East as an independent study this summer, and I just emailed him about it. I'm hoping to get that ball rolling next week. I miss history classes, which I had forsworn never to take again (if I could help it) in high school. Apparently, though, my high school's history department was just crap, because my history class here with Dirck was one of my favorite classes here at AU. Going off of that, I've been chastised by other students for never taking a class with either Shrock or Murphy. I'm looking into a possible summer job as well (really, two jobs). Who knows what will come of it? Not I, said the sparrow.

Lastly, I will sell my body fluids for money tomorrow. I'm donating plasma for the first time. :) I'm finally going to face this fear of needles inflicting pain (I don't mind needles, as long as they don't hurt; in fact, I like to watch when I get immunizations or TB tests). Might as well man up for once. And making money doesn't sound all that bad right now, as I am still essentially unemployed. Thank God my dad covered another month's rent, although I loathe being so dependent in tough situations.

And my brother's rugby team is traveling to Wabash tomorrow to stomp some bootay (hopefully) at a scrimmage! I'll try to come if I'm done at the blood bank by the time they need to leave. With this weather, a good bout of goosebumps and shivers will be had by all.

Oh, yeah! And my roommate, Debbie, is leaving tomorrow morning for the great state of Washington. She'll be staying with a great lumberjack-professor of a man, Sean Sullivan, and I plan to live vicariously through her and visit my friend Sully in spirit. :) (Almost takes on a haunting connotation, which I'd prefer to avoid.) Seriously, though, it'll be weird to not have her around here for a whole week. I would be jealous of the fact that she gets to go see Sean in his element, except that seeing Sean is just great for anybody; I'm happy for her good fortune. :) She's planning to move out there this summer, another fact which might make me jealous, due to the sad lack of travel in my limited experiences, except that, heck, I'm going into the military and will go to one of the following for boot camp:

Ft. Benning - Ft. Benning, GA
Ft. Jackson - Colombia, SC
Ft. Knox - Louisville, KE
Ft. Leonard Wood - Waynesville, MO
Ft. McClellan - Anniston, AL
Ft. Sill - Lawton, OK

The DLI is in Monterey, CA, and then there's a Voice Interceptor training at Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, TX. Plus, I'd get a permanent duty station later, who knows where. So yep. Well, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. :)

Weird Gibbs dream.

I accidentally fell asleep prematurely around 6:30 or 7 tonight, and I just woke up at 8 because GroupWise dinged in that I had a new email. Anyway, I woke up from a weird dream.

I was working a homicide with NCIS, and I was the senior officer with a bunch of probationary officers that were training. Maya and Annie were there, and so was McGee, who was my brother. He was mad at me, and I was mad at him, for some reason. I was driving this car with Gibbs in the front and Annie and McGee in the back; I think Maya had ridden in the back as well at one point and left me her purse in the back seat, again, for some odd reason. Anyway, Gibbs went and questioned this woman, a suspect, who told us something about her sister being in this military hospital and in danger. Gibbs and, I believe, Maya stayed with the woman to check her alibi, etc. before going to the hospital. I drove us to the hospital while trying to patch things up with McGee, my brother, by telling him that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was really proud of him (I guess he had thought he had screwed something up, and I was trying to make show off and make him look worse?).

We got to the hospital, and I got separated from everybody else when I stayed back to help the newbies stay back and unload the gear from the van. Annie and McGee and whichever newby who was in the front passenger seat all went up to meet Gibbs. I got left with this Proby, and we got stuck in the lobby because I couldn't remember the room number. This kid, a guy who reminded me of Jordan from the Learning Center, apparently had Gibbs' number, but decided to call two other people instead. I felt guilty because I couldn't remember the special reason that Maya had left me her purse -- I knew she had left me something important in there. The kid told me that I should know the room number from the sister's interview, which I wasn't at, but I was frustrated that the information must be in Maya's purse, which I had left in the car (and no longer knew how to get to).

In the meantime, the kid tried the sister's house, then NCIS headquarters instead of Gibbs, Ziva, or Abby (the last two were also there now, apparently?). The nurse either couldn't remember the room number Gibbs had asked for, or couldn't give it to me for security/privacy reasons, and I was so frustrated with the Proby that I just decided to walk up each corridor and see if I saw one of our agents out in the hallway. I took off on my own, feeling only slightly guilty at leaving the kid, since he had the information anyway and would find it out in his turtle-slow own time.

I caught Gibbs in the hallway of the lobby, and we took the elevator down to the basement together as I vented my frustrations about this new Proby. He just smiled at me and told me to give the guy a chance and be patient. Then we met up with all the Probies (except the one I had left) in the basement (Ziva, Annie, Maya, and possibly McGee being upstairs with the patient), unloading another van in an evidence garage of some sorts. (I just remembered that the car I had been driving was the one I couldn't remember the location of. Crazy dream.) Tony was there, and Gibbs said something to him that frustrated and kind of embarrassed him — he'd screwed up somehow.

I followed Tony into the stairwell to talk to him and see if he was okay, and there was a tractor inside. It turned out that this basement had two garage entrances, and that was how these vehicles got in here. The stairwell was not a typical stairwell, in a room by itself, but was just off to the side of this mechanics garage (the other was an evidence garage). Just like with McGee, I tried to tell Tony that I was proud of him, but I tried to give Tony a hug (much safer when standing next to the person, instead of trying to drive and hug someone in the back seat). He flinched and moved away, and I sat down on the tire, reminiscing about my dad's old tractor, the 4020. I was saying that I couldn't remember if it was the big tractor or the little tractor, when a mechanic came in and said they needed to park another vehicle in there. I got the heeby jeebies about this guy, but we walked outside.

Suddenly, we were standing next to the driveway at my family's old farm, now in the daytime. (It had always been night-time before.) I don't remember if it was Tony, McGee, or my real-life brother now who stood next to me (whomever it was was definitely a brother of mine, though, in this section of the dream, and I really wanted to impress him) but we noticed that there were paramedics at the blue house across the street (our old family friends' old place, which was and is currently lived in by strangers). Then some country kid pulled into our driveway in a beat-up, old car and got out. This weird-looking, freaked-out, little kiwi bird ran toward me, and basically ran right at my boot. I kind of freaked out a little bit and kicked the poor, little thing -- sent it flying into the air, where it landed and started hobbling around. The kid driving the car said that I should kill it, but I didn't want to. I was kind of horrified that I had been able to hurt the poor, little thing in the first place, but then the kid showed me that I had somehow kicked one of its legs off when I freaked out. (The "boys" didn't care so much, being redneck country boys, but I felt bad and didn't want to fit in with those boyhood instincts to kill small animals. I could never shoot birds or squirrels with my brother, either.) I knew that the bird couldn't last for long and would probably die a long and painful death, so I asked the kid to kill it, but do it quickly and inflict the least amount of pain to the bird. He did.

Suddenly, my dad was there, and the kid and car were gone. My dad asked if we could take his team of (white) horses and his buggy down the road to check out the beautiful spring wildflowers that had popped up by the roadside, and I said that we could walk that far, but yes, the ride sounded nice. Then I woke up.

It's weird how much detail I remember. Enough to Freudian analyze me, probably (haha). All the NCIS stuff is easily explainable, since I was watching old episodes online before I fell asleep. Anyway. Just wanted to record my first and only NCIS dream for posterity's sake. Maybe I'll try to see if it has any significance later, but for now, I'm just satisfied that I had it. :)

. . . Drum Roll Please . . .

. . . I got a 99 on my ASVAB!!!! It's kind of like a perfect score, except that they don't count the areas that dominated me, such as the auto and mechanical sections. Gotta make the ol' man proud somehow (my dad was a master mechanic at one time, and I have ridiculously limited knowledge of anything car-related). I prayed and prayed and even got those pre-sports-competition jitters a few times throughout the day (week?). All I can say is, I shouldn't have done that well, so that's a God thing. That, and my soft major finally paid off somewhere! So yay. Since I got back around 8 and hadn't eaten all day, I capped off the night with a celebratory dinner at Hacienda with Maya and Annie. It was the first time I've been out to eat in . . . I can't honestly remember how long. I think . . . nope. I can't remember. (But yes, I put my most meandering thoughts on here.) We had some of the funniest, most awkward, awesomely girly conversations ever. Our waiter kept walking in at all the wrong moments (haha!), which made for some suppressed giggles and secret looks to try to see if he had heard anything of our conversation.

Highlight. "Eau de toilette. Did I say that right?"
"Technically, there's an l-apostrophe."
"So it's l'eau de toilette? So it means 'the eau of toilette.' What does eau mean, anyway?"
"Water."
"And toilette means . . . ?"
"TOILET!" - Annie
"Oh, I love this 60-dollar water of toilet! I like to dab a little bit of toilet water on my neck every day!" - bad fake something accent
Maya almost peeing her pants in my back seat.
So gloriously much funnier in my car last night. We were pretty slaphappy by this point.

In other news, I have decided that senioritis seems to be moving in with the weather, and it's affecting everyone differently. Some people, as my dear friend, Tyler Hazel, points out, just start to sever ties and isolate themselves. One of my friends has commented that she doesn't believe there's a point to making new friends or developing acquaintanceships (is that a word?) into friendships this late in the game. Others seem to be preparing for the shock of someone else's impending departures.

I can't quite commit, I guess. I feel the separation and isolation of being a fifth year (and an "old maid" who is happily unattached -- I mean that old maid bit entirely satirically, by the way, and with plenty of mirth), and I do have some people that I really wish I had time to develop friendships with before I graduate. There are some really interesting people that I've met this year, and it will be a shame to leave those stones unturned, but I would rather invest in what I have than what I could have. Maybe that's unwise; I don't really know.

On the flip side, I have developed some new or previously hazy friendships. Thank God all the boys graduated, so I can finally be one of the GIRLS!!!! (I'm fairly serious.) I miss the guys that I used to hang out with, but things change; people change. My best friend is engaged to a girl who, by all standards, seems to be a really great catch. Our friendship has to change, and that's already started happening. It's a fact of priorities, I guess. His priorities have to change. It's toughest when priorities don't mutually change directions (seems like a counterintuitive phrase, but it's not). When priorities don't always branch off in separate directions at the same trajectories and from the same point, well . . . it's just not fun. I don't know what the trick is. I could lie and say that I guess it's all in relishing what's left and letting go of what's not as easy, but, well, I don't know if that's really the truth.

My cousin had his 23rd birthday yesterday in Jamaica, with his new wife of four days, five now. Just had to interject that. I would have been seriously jealous if not for this absolutely April-or-Mayish weather in late February. Absolutely beautiful. And I use a lot of adverbs. But I digress. (Geek.)

I'm having a hard time trying to get my butt back in the gym and making time for devos sometime during the day. I'll be honest, it's come down to a negation of both. And it sucks. And I've also realized that, when my faith in God has sometimes waned over the past year, my belief and my faith in Christ hasn't. It seems odd to me. I guess it's because it's something a) verified by history, but more importantly, b) something I just know deep down, from my head, my heart, my gut, to the nerve endings in my toes. It seems impossible that I should doubt the presence of the hand that made me and made my savior. I guess I just doubt the omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence of that hand -- that, and the grace. Grace is something that I experience through the Son, but it seems that the Father is the creator and ultimate judge, not the giver of grace and mercy. I think I read too much of the Old Testament God and think of the New Testament as Jesus' territory, not his Father's. Hmm. Just puttin' it out there.

Oh, yeah, and if I want to become a linguist, which I do -- I'd love to learn Arabic -- my job title would be Electronic Warfare/Signal Intelligence Analyst, category 35W. I'm getting more than a little stoked here, folks. I would be a cryptologic linguist, except that I would receive the training through the Army instead of coming with previous knowledge. I can't wait to take the qualifying test and just get this show on the road!

But it's crazy-fool late, and I need sleep. I've been ready for bed since 9, but thought that, for once, I should actually update this thing well. So goodnight, adieu, and flocks of angels sing thee to thy rest! (or something like that)

Highlights of the day . . .

. . . Having breakfast with an old friend early this morning.
. . . Receiving flowers for the first time ever! (Okay, unless you count the ones I got at the end of my 8th grade basketball season, because, although my parents thought it was a waste of money, they were forced to buy them when the parents of all the other girls on the team ordered them. I've lived such a rough life, lol. *Insert self-mockery here*)
. . . Getting to chapel in roughly 7 minutes, while texting back and forth with Maya.
. . . Seeing Scott Martin again and hearing his perspective on race relations, his job transition, and his new organization!
. . . Getting laughed at for apparently digging into a book too deeply for one of Borders' quizzes in a little vocal review session with some other English majors before class. If that sentence even makes sense. (<--poor grammar) Anyway, it's not every day that I can say I've looked too far into a book for a Borders quiz!
. . . Playing a half a game of Life (first board game in how long?) with some of my girls in Mocha's. We were not all thrilled to get married and have babies, and Maya and I had to be boys, since most of the little people were missing. And we basically just guessed at the rules/money, since there weren't any directions haha.
. . . Bubble bath. It's been so longgggggg.
. . . Knowing my ASVAB is tomorrow. I'm still nervous, though. For a mechanic's daughter (and a farmer's daughter), I expect to be answer one question correctly at most on the mechanics section. I know what a transmission, alternator, and radiator all do, but I have no idea about which brakes have which parts and such. I know that disc brakes whine when wet; I can diagnose a bad fuel pump; I can recognize the whine of a bad belt; and I can tell the difference between a bad battery and a bad alternator. (Oh, yeah, and I can tell you that a tractor spike through a radiator tends to be bad news but makes for a funny story later on.) Other than that, I am lost. And most of that stuff isn't really test-question material anyway. Except the color my dad's face turned after the radiator started leaking. 8T Hmm.

Goodnight, all! (There's a particular quote from "The Princess Bride" that comes to mind, but I'm not violent.)

Take it or leave it

After rehashing just how awkward I feel around family at my cousin's wedding tonight, I have come to a hopefully more than half-hearted and temporary conclusion . . . I am who I am. With family, I am the knitter of my generation, I think. I'm the one who tries to keep in contact with everyone, and that seems to work fine. But, as I would of course happen to be the only "weird" cousin, as my dad accidentally pointed out tonight ("Danielle and I are the only two who don't have the coordination and the athletics. . . ." "No, you used to be quite the runner! Didn't you even run marathons?!") -- I just don't feel like I fit. So. New decision here.

Whether I fit or not is their problem. I'm throwing it out there as an "I want to spend time with you because we're family, and I don't want to just lose those ties, like we're already doing" sort of thing. If they're up for it, fine. If they think I'm crazy for it, well, then, I sadly overestimated them. If they just don't want to spend time with me because I don't fit in with them (I swear, every last one of them is crazy athletic, smooth, funny, intelligent, and considered very attractive (general comment; c'mon here, we don't have a family telephone pole) -- well, then that's just it, then. I'm finally becoming at least comfortable with who I am, and I don't think that their initial impressions of who I am necessarily do me the most justice. I'm awkward and random, but I think that's something that many of my friends treasure as a part of the whole. So I don't know if I'm as weird or awkward or socially uncouth as they think I am. And if no one wants to hang out because of some limited impression of me, then that's not on me. I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt, though.

Saving for Later . . .

I got this as part of a women's daily devotional email today, and I really liked the part at the end. It's not really anything for now, but I'd like to pray this way for my husband some day, if I get married. It's based on 1 Corinthians 13.

If I teach Bible study classes, volunteer for the church women's ministry, and sing in the choir, but do not love my husband, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have a college degree, high paying job, and successful career, but do not love my husband, I am emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. If I have faith that can move mountains, am quick to pray for those in need, and even have half the Bible memorized, but do not love my husband, I am disobedient and do not please God. If I keep a spotless house, maintain a well manicured lawn, and prepare nutritionally balanced meals, but do not love my husband, it is all for naught. Hired hands can do as much.

Lord, help me to be patient. Help me to be kind. I pray that I will not envy others who have seemingly happier marriages and husbands that are more helpful around the house, thoughtful, or romantic. I pray that I will never try to lift myself up by putting my husband down. Lord, I pray that I will not be a proud woman who refuses to listen to her husband, who always has to have the last word, who always thinks her way is best. I pray that I will not be rude to my husband with curt comments, disregard his needs, and be ungrateful for all he does and is, but treat him with the respect and honor that the king of a castle deserves.

I pray that I will not be self seeking, always thinking about what is best for me, but thinking of what would be best for my husband. I pray that I will not be angered easily, not hold a grudge, not keep a record of wrongs, not plan ways to retaliate, and not use my tongue as a weapon to cause pain. I pray that I will not rejoice and say "I told you so" when things don't work out the way my husband hoped.

Lord, above all, I pray that my husband will see me as his chief cheerleader who desires to rejoice with him in his victories, both big and small. He will see me as one who longs to protect our marriage and our love. Help me to create a warm and loving environment in which he feels safe, wanted, and revered. I pray that you will give me endurance when things get tough. Help the word divorce to never enter my mind or cross my lips as an option. Lord, I know that love never fails and that You never fail. Fill me with your Holy Spirit to give me the endurance to stand up under trials and love my husband as You would have me love him -- till death do us part.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Turn the stereo down, and listen to the still, small voice, fool!

I think some of those questions are getting answered. I hope a few more will, too. I'm really starting to believe more again. I'm still a little hesitant, but I'm hoping and trying to let go and just have more faith -- to give God my faith. I guess I've never realized that faith isn't really something you receive, but something you give. At least, that's my take on it. I've been waiting for faith to come to me, all the while knowing that it was something I was really holding back.

Anyway, yeah, I have some of those really deep questioning moments, but they are temporary setbacks. I don't want anyone to worry from reading back a few blogs ago. I'm fine, although I still have that little cursing problem, and I serve a God that I trust will heal me, use me, and complete me. I believe that, now that I've let go of that bead in my hand (ask me the story in person), God is already doing those things. I know that I serve a God who loves me and takes care of me through all of my flaws, failures, and doubts. So, yeah. I'm trying.

I really wish . . .

. . . I could step outside from behind my own eyes and step behind other pairs.

Best Playlist Ever! (Subject to change until I hear the whole thing)

In the order created by iTunes Genius (so in no particular order, since I listen to this on shuffle). Perfect playlist to study to so far.

John and Ryan, I am open to your mocking. Please, go ahead. :D :P There's some stuff on here that's just my brother's, but most of it, I take full responsibility for liking. ;) And the sum is definitely better than some of the parts.

Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop 4:33 Landon Pigg
The Way I Am 2:15 Ingrid Michaelson
Almost Lover 4:29 A Fine Frenzy
Nothing Left To Lose 4:22 Mat Kearney
Honestly 3:33 Cartel
The Luckiest 4:25 Ben Folds
Crimes 3:44 Damien Rice
Hands Down 3:17 Dashboard Confessional
Riddle 3:51 Five For Fighting
Can't Let Go 4:47 Landon Pigg
All at Once 3:50 The Fray
Crooked Teeth 3:24 Death Cab for Cutie
Girl Next Door 3:18 Saving Jane
First Date 2:52 Blink-182
Vindicated 3:19 Dashboard Confessional
Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat) 3:10 Jason Mraz
An Honest Mistake 3:40 The Bravery
Say Anything (Else) 3:53 Cartel
Fast Car 4:57 Tracy Chapman
Falling Slowly 4:51 Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Good People 3:29 Jack Johnson
Crashing Down 4:15 Mat Kearney
Loser 3:57 Beck
Sunday Morning 4:08 Maroon 5
Time to Dance 3:24 Panic! at the Disco
Perfect 4:42 Simple Plan
The Way You Make Me Feel 4:58 Michael Jackson
One Thing 4:40 Finger Eleven
Never Let You Go 4:00 Third Eye Blind
Why Can't I? 3:31 Liz Phair
Every Mornin' 3:45 Sugar Ray
The Funeral 5:22 Band of Horses
(You Want To) Make a Memory 4:06 Bon Jovi
Undeniable 4:24 Mat Kearney
Cute Without the 'E' (Cut from the Team) (Acoustic) 4:29 Taking Back Sunday
Near To You 4:35 A Fine Frenzy
Banana Pancakes 3:12 Jack Johnson
She Is 4:01 The Fray
Violet Hill 3:50 Coldplay
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off 3:22 Panic! at the Disco
Mad World 3:08 Michael Andrews & Gary Jules
I Believe in a Thing Called Love 3:37 The Darkness
Save Tonight 4:03 Eagle-Eye Cherry
Screaming Infidelities 3:46 Dashboard Confessional
My Own Worst Enemy 2:50 Lit
Forever Young 4:30 Youth Group
All I Need 4:30 Mat Kearney
Jumper 4:35 Third Eye Blind
Let My Love Open the Door 2:43 Pete Townshend
Almost 3:26 Bowling for Soup
A Long December 4:59 Counting Crows
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage 2:57 Panic! at the Disco
Brick 4:45 Ben Folds Five
Wonderwall [acoustic] 4:06 Ryan Adams
No Rain 3:35 Blind Melon
Don't Wait 4:07 Dashboard Confessional
Trust Me 3:22 The Fray
Two Princes 4:17 Spin Doctors
You're My Best Friend 2:52 Queen
1979 4:26 Smashing Pumpkins
Talk 5:13 Coldplay
Liar (It Takes One to Know One) 3:10 Taking Back Sunday
Uptown Girl 3:17 Billy Joel
Smile Like You Mean It 3:56 The Killers
Lover I Don't Have to Love 4:04 Bright Eyes
Catch My Disease 4:14 Ben Lee
Where We Gonna Go From Here 4:07 Mat Kearney
Mrs. Robinson 3:52 Simon & Garfunkel
Your Heart Is an Empty Room 3:39 Death Cab for Cutie
Breakdown 3:33 Jack Johnson
Jack & Diane 4:16 John Mellencamp
But It's Better If You Do 3:28 Panic! at the Disco
Somebody to Love 4:57 Queen
Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? 4:54 Bryan Adams
Blister in the Sun 2:24 Violent Femmes
She Will Be Loved 4:20 Maroon 5
Runaway 2:53 Cartel
Vienna 3:41 Billy Joel
Cold Hard Bitch 4:03 Jet
Faith 3:13 George Michael (!!! Take that, Fred Durst!!!)
Think Of You 4:06 A Fine Frenzy
Part of Your World 3:13 Jodi Benson
Paper Thin Hymn 3:15 Anberlin
We Used To Be Friends 3:20 The Dandy Warhols
Let Her Cry 5:08 Hootie & The Blowfish
Strong Enough 3:11 Sheryl Crow
Marching Bands of Manhattan 4:13 Death Cab for Cutie
Rock & Roll 4:03 Eric Hutchinson
Under Pressure 3:57 Queen
The Bad Touch 4:21 Bloodhound Gang
Deep Inside Of You 4:15 Third Eye Blind
Wrong Way 2:17 Sublime
We Belong 3:42 Pat Benatar
Modern Nature 3:37 Sondre Lerche & Lillian Samdal
December 4:45 Collective Soul
Come On, Come Out 3:36 A Fine Frenzy
Wonderful 4:44 Everclear

Because I'm just so excited . . . !

I posted this on the One Year Challenge blog, so the Weeks 7 and 8 thing might not make sense. Basically, we try to do at least one new thing a week. Week 7 lasts until Wednesday, February 18, because we started on New Year's Day, which was a Thursday.

For the rest of week 7 and all of week 8 -- I'm so excited about this -- I want to get my mile time down to 7:45 or less! The Army assesses a person's mile time (running) when said person enlists. Based on this time, the recruit will be assigned to a "sustained running ability group," which is basically a fancy name for a 12-week workout regimen based on the starting mile time. On the elliptical, I run about an 8:00 mile, and I was really excited to see the requirement to get into the fastest guys' group was 7:00. At my very best in high school, I could run a 6:58 mile, which was really slow compared to all the runners lapping me. (It really happened . . . at Regionals. I got last place. Very embarrassing.) Granted, that was a long time ago, and it took months for me to get into shape. And I was competing, which always gives me a little kick. But still. Yay Coach Rick. :)

Anyway, after looking at my mile time, I would have been placed in the guys' slowest running group, and the workout regimen doesn't really look like much of a challenge. SO! My goal for this next week and a half is to cut down my mile time by 15 seconds, so that I can make it into the next guys' group. That way, at the end of the training regimen, I'll be able to run a sustained 7:30 for 20 minutes. That's a tall order, but I'd rather have that challenge than running an 8:15 for 20 minutes. I can already just about do that. And I think a 20-minute 7:30 is feasible. Anyway. Here was a bunch of track mumbo jumbo for all you runners and ex-runners. But seriously, I'm really stoked. I have the opportunity to get in better shape and challenge myself. Plus, especially since the Army's basic training requirements for women aren't all that tough, I think this would make boot camp a lot easier. :)

A Lesson from Emma

The purpose of knowing and recognizing a person's faults should really be to better appreciate their better qualities. I forget that too often, and I believe others probably do, too.

Who says reading can't teach you anything? I guess it can at least give one a good reminder of things that have been forgotten along the way.

Mosh pit in my brain : /

"Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?"

I've got so many thoughts vying for my attention lately.

I need a job. I need to be able to pay rent. Was I wrong to have them lower my hours at the old job? Could I have helped it? Was this whole job search just a stupid waste of time and gas? How on Earth am I going to come up with my rent for March?

What prejudices have I grown up with? Have things really changed that much with me since I came to college? Do I treat ________, _______, and _______ as negative stereotypes? How do I go about changing my mindset? What if I don't meet someone who doesn't fit the stereotype? Am I really this shallow?

I need to get back in shape. I should really start eating healthier again and start working out. I need to buy milk, but with what money?

They both say to pray and trust God to help me. I said that it's myself and other people I don't trust, not God. I don't trust myself or anyone else, but, on second thought, I don't really trust God handles the small details. I don't know if I still believe he cares. I don't always even feel like he exists, and I'm supposed to be a Christian!!!! I am a Christian.

Hebrews 6:4-6. Shit. Intentional sin? Yeah, done that.

Does prayer even work?

So glad to have severed things with the ex, but I'm selfishly bothered that my bestie didn't offer to choose sides. Yeah, it's immature and selfish. I would have said no sides were necessary, but it would have been nice to hear the question posed as a sort of -- I don't know -- allegiance? loyalty? to our friendship. I should grow up and stop acting like a child; my friend was only acting the part of an adult. Maybe I should try it.

My life is getting too messy again. Literally. I need to get my room straightened up, dig my parking space back out, organize my papers into a file system again.

Have to pay my credit card bill tomorrow. Crap. Never get one of these again?

How do I go deeper in my faith without losing some of my closest friendships? I need support, not more criticism of the Church, and I can't dig in by myself. I don't have the stamina. Women's Bible study? Where can I go and be 100% vulnerable, 100% honest about where I'm at (100% redundant)? Will this just remind me more of the things I struggle with and cause them to be bigger problems? Is it possible to go deeper in a faith that's dehydrated down to almost inexistence? Do I still even have a faith?

Good books, but too many of them! This whole reading-all-the-time thing bites beehives.

Am I growing into a good person? A reliable person? The person I'd like to become? Am I growing into a questioning, seeking Christian, or just a spoiled, rebellious, little brat? Is there some way to put all of these into one person? Is it possible for that person to ever be me? I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I'd have myself become.

I'm pretty happy single. I don't want to stay single forever, though. I hope it won't be a terribly long time before I meet someone -- not just someone, but the one I will marry? What if I die before I marry? That would suck. I'd like to experience that intimacy with someone before I die.

I'm clingy and over-intense. What is wrong with me? Ridiculous. And yet, I'm sometimes too logical, too analytical, maybe even too honest (blunt)? Is there a way to fix myself? Is it even possible to have a marriage last? What's the use and the point of even trying? Am I doomed to repeat my parents' (my dad's) mistakes?

Will Anita and Travis make it? I hope so. I hope and pray (it's easier to believe -- or hope to believe -- for someone else's benefit) that he and John make it home safe and sound.

Have I really had it so bad with my family? Maybe I need to just move on. Easier said than done. And I'm afraid of losing the lessons, of repeating mistakes that I didn't quite pin down and memorize from my past if I do.

I'd like to move to Ireland someday. Or Scotland. Perfect weather, beautiful accents, gorgeous scenery, plenty of rain, none of this 13" of snow in two days. I could raise cattle, too -- not babies haha (old joke).

Will I ever get to travel? Should I just settle and be happy here without ever taking a road trip, Tri-S trip, etc.? There are so many more things I'd like to do if I could just convince my head to be as adventurous as my heart claims to be. I feel like I'm settling for mediocrity, routine, and sheltered, suburban conventionality.

Air Force, Army . . . what if neither of these works out? What if I don't graduate on time, or my grades are too bad, or my recommendations suck? What if I don't get into OTS? Can I even survive boot camp?

Have to change my plate tags.

Have to settle Agathos' debts. Have to cancel Compassion accounts. Should write three letters to our sponsored kids first, though.

Will I ever get hired? How will I get that money in time? Need money for the Chicago Trip for sociology, too. Fantastic.

I really need to start going to Orange, Black, and Green meetings. I really want to.

. . . and more.