Let's put it this way -- I wouldn't read it.

     Stephanie and Melissa hurried into the little shop out of the rain, shaking the drops off their umbrellas as they stood inside the doorway. Outside, cars sprayed through puddles as shoppers ran to their destinations. The American students watched a woman in a red overcoat try to hail a taxi with her arms full of packages and an umbrella in one hand, but the cab sped on by in spite of her clumsy efforts.
     The warm glow of the lamps, the homey fireplace, and the enticing smell of coffee and cinnamon scones welcomed the girls, drawing them in from the cold toward the back of the shop. They walked up to the counter and stood in the queue to order. In spite of the cold that was inherent in St. Andrews rainstorms, several customers crowded toward the counter. One man in a grey trench coat glared sullenly at the ground, fervently running his hand through his long, brown hair. Stephanie stared at the drops as they fell into a pool at either side of the man’s feet.
     “How much editing do you still have to do?” asked Melissa. Stephanie looked up.
     “I have about five pages left. This class has so much more work for it than my English classes back in Terre Haute do,” she replied, “but I guess I kind of expected that when I decided to study here.”
     “I know what you mean,” said Melissa in a crisp Connecticut accent. “I have so many more papers to write here for my history classes compared to back home.”
     “It’s hard sometimes to adjust to everything here,” Stephanie confided to her friend. “It’s not just the coursework, either. It’s everything; even the weather. I mean, look at us. We’re soaked.” Her voice grew in intensity as her curly, red ponytail bounced emphatically. “My pants are so wet right now!” She practically yelled the last part.
     All around the room, the voices lulled, and dozens of eyes trained on the girls. Standing ahead of them, a teenage boy with a pierced lip snickered, leaning in toward the girl whose hand he was holding and mumbled something to her. Melissa’s face turned a purple hue. She quickly shushed Stephanie with a loud, overdramatic whisper: “Do you know what that means here?!!!!”
     Stephanie sheepishly bowed her head as she hunched her shoulders. “What does that mean? What did you just let me say?!” she retorted angrily. All around them, people continued to watch them, idly conversing.
     Melissa, who had arrived earlier and spent more time in the Scottish pubs than studying, replied with irritation, “‘Pants’ means ‘underwear’ here! They call ‘pants’ as we know them ‘trousers.’”
     Now it was Stephanie’s turn to be embarrassed. “I had no idea!” Without thinking, she quickly looked around and yelled, “I meant trousers! I’m sorry; I’m from America!”
     A crescendo of chuckles went around the room. A woman sitting at a table near the window took a sip of tea as she smiled at Stephanie. “I’ve been there,” the woman commented to the man sitting across from her, who nodded his head. The other coffee and tea aficionados resumed their conversations.
     Outside, the rain still poured. Stephanie gazed out at the dreary sky, as she muttered, more to herself than anyone else, “I’ll bet it’s sunny right now in Indiana.”

Chocolate and coffee . . .

I think I could use a good cry right now, if I had the time to recover and get back to homework, instead of having to rush back to work and plan stupid rush stuff. Yes, I'm very bitter right now. 

Losing it again rant . . .

I hate Agathos and rush week. It's becoming a colossal waste of my time.

It bugs me when I try to be responsible and call in to make sure I can get work off, and then I have to bring my cold groceries in to work because one of my co-workers decided not to show up or have the integrity to call.

Carryover

That conversation last night made some really great echoes today.

I didn't feel comfortable answering every question at the full level of thought and analysis that I put into formulating, or at least exploring an answer. I don't know if I can and should wisely go that deep with someone after so short a time. I tried to be as open as I felt comfortable to be; plus, I didn't want to answer the most intimate questions before I first had time to reflect on them.

After four years of friendship with my living journal, we had some stuff that (I think) we finally talked about and dealt with tonight on the way back from Greenwood. I've been thinking a lot, too, about why I am so darned self-conscious. And it's a complicated answer. Instead of typing it all up here, I think I'll try to not be an emotional flasher. Sound good? Ask me in person, and I'll probably go into more detail. The basic moral of the story is that I was a mess in middle school and got rejected completely on a regular basis, and I don't really trust that I'm ever good enough. Sappy enough for you? Bleeding heart on a sleeve . . . sheesh. Anyway, I'm such a people pleaser (and a "performer" -- that's for you, Jael) that I'm always afraid I'll slip up once, and even my closest friends will want nothing more to do with me. It's like walking a tightrope for each person in my life, and trying to jump from one to the next and so on.

And that's about all. Gotta hit the hay, 'cause I got church tomorrow. :) (Today.)

Friday.....

     I really don't appreciate people enough. Someone asked me tonight why I feel so bad about talking so much, and I think it's that I don't really get the chance to be a good listener when I'm always running my mouth (and sometimes just running my mouth off). I like to listen; I just like the interaction of talking and listening, of listening and responding. I just sometimes get so lost in the little stories I have for EVERYTHING that I don't get back to listening. It seems very self-centered to me, and I don't like it. Plus, I'm usually genuinely interested, and I think being genuinely interested in other people (without being nosy) is always a good thing to embrace. 

     I also realized something else tonight. While telling a story, I said something negative about someone I really care a lot about. I don't know if that's based on this dumb idea I have in my head about how truly knowing and loving someone requires a thorough, equal acquaintance with both their best qualities and their faults, but I'm starting to think that's just crap. But then again, I don't know if I believe that, either. I just don't like the idea of something negative rolling off my tongue so lightly, so effortlessly. Maybe it's time to start making an effort not only to hold those things in, but to ignore them completely. This is something I always come back to. Anyway. 

     Well, I'm going to sleep now. Hot showers are amazing; now hopefully I'll fall asleep quickly. 

Hmm.

     Have you ever noticed how many people came to be believers because people directly disobeyed Jesus about not telling anyone after he performed some sort of miracle for them? I wonder if things would have turned out differently if they had kept quiet. Random thought. 

Favorite Lines . . .

     These would have to be my favorite lines from my favorite poem. I wrote them down because we were studying the poem today in British Lit. 

     In hours of weariness, sensations sweet, 

     Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart; 

     And passing even into my purer mind, 

     With tranquil restoration: -- feelings too 

     Of unremembered pleasure . . . 

     How can anyone not love that? 

Thoughts from Chapel

     Am I a nerd if I say that I really enjoy chapel this year? I mean, granted, I would rather be sleeping before I get there, but I think that's just a part of life. :) So here are some things that struck me from Dr. Lyle's chapel talk today. 

     "What's the opposite of doing your own thing? Following and submitting to someone else." Why is it that, in following the crowd, submission is rarely mentioned or minded? If we can submit so easily to people, at times not even realizing it, then shouldn't we do the same to God just as easily? But if this is harder, then I guess we're following others less than we realize and ourselves more than we take credit for. 

     I'm not good at submission. I don't care for it. I'm fairly independent, incredibly headstrong, and I don't like to allow someone else to superimpose their values and beliefs onto my conduct. This is true of God as much as anyone. I hate the mention of that word in conjunction with obedience. I guess it has a different flavor to it that I don't particularly care for. I guess I don't realize just how much I follow myself and blow off God in what he wants -- even what he wants for me. Something to take better notice of. 

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday!

     I haven't actually seen that movie, so I hope that line didn't excite anyone. I know it from "You've Got Mail." Absolutely the best chick flick of all time. ("I love New York in the fall. It makes me want to go buy bouquets of freshly-sharpened pencils.") It's quirky. But I'm getting away from the point.

     I think I'm going to take a Sabbath on Thursdays. Because half of Sundays are spent in homework, and I need a break from everything in the middle of the week more than at the end/beginning of the week. I don't feel like I can step away from my responsibilities with Agathos tonight, but I might just need this. I'm kind of withering on the vine lately. And that's just not okay. So I may or may not be around tonight; more than likely I'll try to hang out with my brother and get my life back in order at my house (aka God time and cleaning this stinkin' -- not literally -- room!). But for now, I'm just getting ready for chapel and class. :) Adios!

Addendum

Oh, and I blame all of those pre-medders and everybody else who got married this summer for making the rest of us talk relationships now. ;P Haha seriously, marriage is more catching around here than a cold. :) 

Club Dead

     So apparently Ferris Bueller took the night off. I know -- incredibly cheesy. But I was really hoping that some of the many people I had talked to would show up for the movie tonight. It's getting hard to focus on the people who do show up when I realize that we've been in this same boat for the past three years; it's a boat that's got a hole in it. I just don't know how to fix it. 

     In other news, being a girl sucks sometimes. Majorly. 

     I had a nightmare last night involving Cody and Joe. I've kind of been worrying about giving Joe's guys the wrong impression about the two of us since I stopped by one day with a bunch of food and stuck around in his apartment to talk. I know it's corny, but I don't want to put him in an awkward position. Anyway, in this dream, Cody was really mad at me and just let into me, telling me that I was embarrassing myself, that Joe didn't want to hang out, that he thought I liked him romantically, but didn't feel like he could tell me how uncomfortable I was making him feel. And Toad also told me that I had a reputation for doing this sort of thing. I think Joe might have confirmed it in the dream, but I don't remember. I just remember running away, oddly enough in Chicago while on my Social Problems trip that will take place in November. 

     I can say that this is my biggest fear right now. I don't want to use "Jesus" or my faith as a dating tool; if anything, I have received a call to die, not a call to date and marry. I honestly just feel like there are a bunch of people (and lately, they have all been guys, although I've been praying for God to show me WOMEN who need community, too) my age and a little older who are stuck here in Anderson feeling alone and feeling older than they really are. It just seems like, hey, I like giving hospitality, I like cooking for people, hanging out, easing stress if I can. And he, I kind of understand the frustration that comes when nobody seems to want to go deeper, and I know that loans and jobs and deadlines make one an adult, but not old. We can talk about this stuff and understand each other. I figure that 2+2 equals 4, and it's that simple. (That probably only makes sense in my head.) It's the one area of my life in which I feel especially called right now, and it's not limited to men or to women. I don't want this to cause frustration or to tarnish the reputation, however, of my brother or any of these parts of the growing community that seems to have sprung up around me. 

     Granted, I think my faith and my personality should be the tools I use to evaluate everything in my life, but I don't want to let my "faith walk" become a superficial one, forgetting that my faith is the end I'm seeking and not the means to some other end. I want to be, I am a woman of faith, seeking to grow in integrity, compassion, community, and hospitality, among other things. Does this mean stepping back? Finding women who are lonely and ministering to them instead? Am I Lena Lingard? I hope not. 

     And maybe I'm a bit too serious, more than a bit too analytical. I think that anyone who wrote that last part (the list . . . integrity, compassion, yada yada yada) might be taking themselves a bit too seriously. I'm human. I'm going to screw things up (it's a special talent I have, like breaking the chandelier at my hair appointment for my mom's wedding). I'm great at knowing what to do and doing otherwise; I'm great at doing the opposite, too. I just don't know. "Without your love, I'm not a full human being."

     That's all I've got for tonight. Sorry if it's a little disconnected or distracted. I'm really tired. Dang it, and I hate blogs that dwell on dating/marriage. Oh, well. Had to get a few things out. (Blogs: the American dream and the American pastime of non-confrontation. What is wrong with us? And why do I fall into that so easily?) 

Beauty in the Breakdown

     My friends and fellow Agathos members are great. :) We got our rush packet in barely on time, but we still made it. And we didn't make big signs, but we hung our fliers almost all over campus with Scotch tape -- before I got the email that all posters put up with any tape other than masking tape will be taken down. You just have to laugh at that. 

     My other friends are pretty stellar, too. I realize now more than ever, though, that most of my friends my age, the ones that I'm closest to or invite over the most, are guys. Which seems pretty unhealthy to me. It's not that I don't really like having friends who are girls; is there some statistic that tells how many girls versus guys come back for a fifth year, etc.? I really don't meet too many girls my age around campus. And I guess I haven't been investing in the ones I do know. Is it possible that I'm a female misogynist? I've been told that before, but I thought I was really outgrowing it. I don't want to become this woman who ministers to men only, basically giving away or stealing intimacy through those interactions. I can't really convey this into words very well. Basically, I don't want to be emotionally promiscuous with men. And I don't want my friendships to ever be forced into anything else. I need more women in my life. That's my conclusion. *shrug* 

     Rush is going well enough, I guess. No one showed up tonight, but I kind of didn't expect them to. I think our biggest two nights will be the Wii-for-All (I love Debbie's name for that -- it still makes me laugh at the corniness) and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." This is easy to expect since we're giving away free food those nights. But it should be a good time. I'd rather just host people from campus than have some boring interest meeting anyway. But then I like some bang for my buck when it comes to my time lately. (I just realized for the first time that that phrase most likely had a shady start. Yikes.) I talked to a few guys from Boosters, and it seems that their vision is very close to ours this year; we'll probably collaborate on at least one project, I hope. I talked to another girl, Jennifer, who is thinking about rushing in general, so I told her about our club and told her to come back tomorrow and talk to Camarada, L'ami, and Alacritas (Ala-WHO?!!). I was really thinking that we could get a big rush class this year, but we've guessed that 10 will be a high number. Even if we have 10 rushees, and half of them are guys, that will be sufficient to create a little AU sub-community. That's my goal for rush. 

     I woke up late this morning and had to rush off to class on Beth Ann's bike (she's given me permission to use it). I didn't think about it on the way to class, but on the way back from dinner, I kept replaying the music from "The Wizard of Oz" in my head -- the scene where the neighbor rides her bike with the basket on it over to Aunt Em's house. I got back from the interest meeting that no one showed up to and crashed for what was supposed to be a half hour after that. It turned into 2.5 hours. I feel physically exhausted lately, although I don't know why. It's probably the fact that I had to deal with two Bears fans in my living room this past weekend. :D But seriously. I'm off to bed, because I'm still tired. Sheesh. 

     I need to start going to sleep earlier, because I haven't done morning devos in a couple weeks, I think. Booo. 

Thoughts from Shabbat

I just learned that Shabbat is not spelled s-h-i-b-a-t.

God has sent me what I've been praying for. :) You can ask me in person what that is and how if you want. 

I'm trying to become as transparent as I can, within reasonable limits (aka not becoming excessively vulnerable to members of the opposite sex). So if you actually read this thing, feel free to ask me whatever you want. Any question. I'll try to be as honest and open as possible. 

I'm so grateful for offered help from my fellow Agathos officers, friends who listen to the occasional rant, understanding roommates, and the release that comes in trusting others to actually step in and step up. 

Best game to watch today (as in, most significant game): Chargers/Panthers. 4:15 pm. Also, the Steelers killed the Texans today! (I'm thrilled.) And the Titans are beating the Jags (as expected). 

Jeff Saturday's knee -- what is actually up? This 007 thing is getting old. What did he actually do? 

Colts game on NBC! That means Madden-Michaels!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D 8:15 pm.

Wallowing

     Back to this idea of maintaining. My whiny butt does have a lot to do for Agathos and for classes. But I need to stop acting like I'm the exception around here, because I feel like this is just par for the course for everybody else round here. But I got sidetracked. 

     Before Jael called me back tonight, I was feeling especially . . . used up. I love encouraging people. I love cooking for them. I love talking to them. I love spending time with them. I love being in Christian community. And I love fostering that in whatever way I can. It's just that sometimes -- I can't even say lately, because this just snuck up on me -- I feel like I'm the maintainer of relationships. Sometimes it seems like I'm the one calling over and over again, the one inviting, the one handling things in the club, the one trying to sacrifice cheerfully (and if any of you -- I use that word "you" ironically -- know me, you know that I don't really do the cheerful part of that well). I feel like I'm the one making the phone calls, sending the invitations, giving the encouragement. 

     Some stuff happened tonight that made me feel used, frustrated, and a whole lot of other things. I think part of what hit me so hard as I came back to Anderson was the idea that here in Anderson, the place I now call home, the place where the majority of my friends live or live near -- I have no one that seems to have really taken an interest in my maintenance. There is no network of people pouring back into me like there was at SpringHill. I'm pouring out, but I don't feel filled. 

     Tonight I literally became so frustrated with the ugliness that I felt in and around me that I just wanted to rip the white netting of the gorgeous dress I wore to my mom's wedding -- rip it to shreds with my bare hands. And then I heard God speak to me through the metaphor: whenever I'm angry or depressed, every time I feel attacked or cast aside or abused, I literally want to remove anything beautiful from my sight, because such things sicken me when my view of the world becomes so reviling. And this just makes the bad, worse. God used this to show me that I focus on all the bad, hiding inside it when the world around me seems especially horrible; but it's this despising worldview that makes me so queasy at focusing on God's beauty and perfection -- his grace, mercy, wisdom, love, and patience. To put it more abruptly, I wallow. I don't know what else to say about that, except that I'll try harder. God is the God who maintains me and gives me room for error and for growth because of that. Still light years away from where I wish I was. 

Maintaining

     Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just a temporary feeling. Maybe I really am a hypocrite. I don't know. What I do know is that every once in awhile, I really feel used up. Or maybe just used. I feel like a maintainer, to be more specific. 

     This week has been incredibly stressful for me. I've been trying to almost single-handedly plan Interest Week for Agathos, which doesn't really sound like much at all. Except that we have a big event EVERY FRICKIN' NIGHT this week coming up. And then I just realized that I've looked at the dates wrong, and I only have until the 8th to turn my rush packet in. As in, less than 42 hours from now. With no help whatsoever. 

     Anyway, Interest Week. I've been in contact with Jim Scott from the Wellness Center all week trying to reserve the Natatorium for Monday night - finally settled. I got the date wrong on that one as I was trying to hurriedly draft an email right before I left for class or the library or something important -- I forget what, exactly. 

     And then we need tables. Do we need tables? I don't know. I know that the other members and I have full course loads, so we don't have many hours to our names to even "work" the table. I hadn't planned on getting one, but I'm starting to think we need one, even if we're only there a few hours a day. Except that I can't find the slip of paper with the budget number to order the tables (which I tried to reserve without it -- impossible). So even if I can get a table for us for this week, there is a possibility that we won't have one for Monday, and an even bigger possibility that no one else from club will show up to sit at it and recruit. 

     We're having a movie night. I spent hours researching which classic drama and comedy movies (thank God there are lots of lists out there) to come up with a "short" list (almost a page long) that have minimal adult content. Hey, I guess we don't want to offend? I dunno. I sent out like 30 facebook messages with the list, and I've been compiling votes. We're having a Wii night. I still have to make sure I can reserve a Wii -- haven't had time to check yet, and I don't even have a checkbook to pay for the damn thing. Yes, all bets are off on the language tonight, kids. We're having a slip 'n slide. Buckets, soap, tarp. No checkbook. Great. We need fliers. Need to finalize reservations first. Need to design fliers, send to Printing Svcs., put money on print account, etc. Need to hang fliers. Need to notify CAB for chapel announcements. Need Swedish massage. Or 5 minutes sans thought. (I guess that's what this is for.) Need to man rush table. Oh, yeah, and recruit people in spare time. Aw, hell. Bang forehead against brick wall. Buy rush shirts. Plan rush. Write very detailed rush itinerary and turn into CAB by Monday at 5 pm. Crumple grades up into a little ball and flush directly down the toilet. Stop being so damn dramatic. Stop whining/making excuses. Trash the dorms (take their trash out for them) every night after interest meetings. Carry out actual rush. 

     As for Encore stuff -- need to find music director, need to set audition dates, need to create, print, hang fliers; announce in chapels. Need to find band. Need to pay outstanding Encore balance (as in, unpaid). Fill out contracts and put down payments on this year's Encores. Reserve camcorder/buy tape from IMC. Hold auditions. Design alumni flier w/ ea. Encore date, send to alumni office for approval, get printed, pay for postage, mail out. Design fliers for campus. Print; hang. StallTalks, chapel, Andersonian. Plan street fair table in conjunction. Make DVD of album covers. Plan surprise guest(s?) -- it's a surprise. Can't tell who. 

     And then there's the 18 credit hours I'm taking (2 writing intensives?). Catching up reading in Intro to Lit and Social Problems. Compiling outline and finishing exercises (all due last Friday) for Fiction. (Requires observing people around campus.) Relearn subject-verb form and use of articles. ;) And the regular reading/homework for this week's classes. 

     I am so tired. I've actually been making decent use of my time, but this blogging thing was a preventative measure for a breakdown-freakout. 

The voice of the sea

The last part of this makes me think of God. The voice of the sea . . . if God swore, I think his voice would sound like this. If that makes any sense at all. Just watch the video. (Preface: There are no samurai in this film.)