Day "Shoot, I haven't been blogging every day"

Just wanted to check in to say, sleep is good. I miss it, and I'm about to go back there right now. I think I've finally found the answer I've been looking for, to probably the biggest question of my life. God is soooooooo good. :) And I'm picking the guitar back up (I don't think it will take long to get my calluses back; my fingers killed yesterday when I just tried to type, and that was only from a day and a half of playing). I have my biggest paper done, and I only have one more to go. I'm going to a screenwriting workshop on Thursday. My mom just got engaged, and we had a great weekend hanging out down here (Mom, Bob, Cody, Kristyn, and I). We got to see Cody's team play Purdue, who snarled out -- well, I'll call them "kind suggestions" to each other -- during the game, almost got into fights, and threw some pretty cheap shots (including throwing a guy's feet over his head to tackle him and flat out slapping another guy in the face). It was still a good game, especially near the end. Random thought that keeps coming back -- West Lafayette is flipping gorgeous. The campus itself is beautiful and HUGE. For all the extra years I'm going to have to put in before I really graduate from AU into the real world, transferring never looked so good. ;) But no. Well, goodnight. Does anyone read this? I'm still not convinced . . . 

Oh, one more thing! DRAFT DAY!!!!!!!! I'm excited; we got a lot of good players. I'm especially excited about Hart, Howard, and Tamme. I'm hoping that Wheeler will be another great asset. We could definitely use good linebackers right now. I can't wait to hear how things turn out this weekend at rookie training camp! Football season get here fast enough.

MUSIC: "If You're in Chicago" - Erich Skelton

MOOD: peaceful

LOCATION: the F.C.

Thoughts from a Should-Be Graduating Senior

   Who am I so angry at? I say myself, but I include all those people (professors, etc.) whom I've let down over and given bad impressions of me. I include those who have hurt me and those people I have envied -- seemingly "perfect" people who have looked down on me from their secure heights of good grades, status, and good opinion. I know I'm angry at some (the administration) for imposing their standards on me somewhat because of the hypocrisy of these rules and also because I don't feel that I can meet these standards. So why not rail against the rules like an impudent teenager? 

     Matt Ingalls gave a speech in chapel yesterday about these boxes that college and life try to cage us in. He made a really good point -- even though I may focus on the box, resent the cage, I'm missing the point if I don't pay attention to the examples AU has pointed me to -- Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Jim Elliot, Shane Claiborne, and tons of other people who have thought for themselves, broken the mold, and sought to change the world by putting their visions into words and actions. Isn't this a worthy aim?

     While at AU, I have been taught to think for myself. My beliefs, not just faith beliefs, have been questioned, but I have not been handed answers. Instead, I have been taught to explore the answers for myself, which has led to many great discussions with students, faculty, and even a few of the staff members. Yes, there are boxes that I feel shoved into, but I have also been taught to question these. 

     The only thing I regret is that questioning the good and the wisdom of such a box does not equal escape from it. I still do not know how to break free from the boxes I loathe. Perhaps Matt has found the answer -- by focusing on heroic or admirable examples to strive after, maybe I can ignore the box enough to grow so much as to break it. It seems like a great approach to try, much more effective than just griping about the stupidity of the bars of a cage. Now, for action . . . always the harder part than typing.

About to Sail into a Silver Mist

"Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me
You can sleep safe and sound
Knowing I am around

Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly and surely your senses
Will cease to resist

Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me"
 - "Trust in Me" from the Jungle Book

     Not much to report here. I got my reports all caught up at work and (this was weird) tutored a friend of mine and sent the tutor report to one of my own professors. I'm behnd (can you imagine?) in the early bird game of homework, and I am deep in the throes of recording any possibly useable parts of my eight hard sources for my term paper (and that's not including the electronic sources). I was thinking tonight that I want to either take Abby and Ethan out to do something fun or just to babysit for them when I get back home so that Nathan and Jen can have a little time to themselves, what with the stress I imagine they're both under while we wait for an interim (if the Church of God is sending one? I don't know). Bob, my mom, Kristyn, and I are going to the rugby game this weekend; I'm stoked about that. Steve is going through some hard stuff right now (along with his entire family), and I'm trying to be there without smothering the poor guy. Apparently, I can be pretty high maintenance (leave it to the little bro to whip some honesty in my face like that). Anyway. There's some other stuff going on, but if you need to know it, then you probably already do know it. I won't post it publicly, because I'm not sure how I feel about it. Random question of the day: Do I ever talk to people like my dad does? I hope not, but I wouldn't doubt it. I think I was getting kind of terse with Jael yesterday afternoon a bit. Booooo me. And now I'm going to sleep. 2 chapels left to go! The only down side of this weekend will be the shared time slots for draft day and the game. Cody comes before the Colts any day, though (unless we're betting on teams -- Mr. "The Colts are gonna lose to the Patriots, and the Patriots are gonna beat the Bears in the Super Bowl"). Next week is the screenwriting workshop in Indy, which should be really fun. My mom and Bob are bringing my guitar down for the weekend, too, so that'll be nice. 

     And as for devos, mine tonight centered around Proverbs 16:18: "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." There was a tag at the end that said, "Think of athletes who possess pride that involves a healthy sense of worth." I had to think for awhile, but I thought of JJ Perry. Gwen Kemple and the other track/cross girls from my floor sophomore year would be great examples, too. I think that this "healthy pride" is nothing more than humbly admitting that we have worked hard with the aid and blessing of God. I don't know if there's really much more to say about that. And I'm tired.

     Guten nacht, friends. (Speaking of German, I wonder how that freakishly tall dumme gans is doing?)

MOOD: sleepy

Tahred

I went to Thai Spice tonight with Jael and Nathan, and it was fun. :) Although Nathan and I probably bored Jael with our English talk, and I picked most of the chilis and leafy greens out of my food (scary animals hide in jungles; so why wouldn't scary, spicy peppers hide in the folds and contours of leafy veggies?), it was really nice to catch up. Sadly, there was no Jonah, Patricia, or Ryan there tonight, but the company was good. I don't really feel like writing much about the restaurant, except to say that I apparently misunderstood the receipt I got and almost walked out without paying (oops! der), and that Thai coffee is fairly scrumdiddlyumptious. 

     This week coming up should be interesting; already, I'm behind 3 pages of Shakespeare and 2 pages on my term paper for Brit Lit. Tonight is all-nighter night, so you would think I'd get a bunch done, but . . . I doubt it. One recent, interesting development for anyone who reads this: Dr. Borders is letting me take my test tomorrow (today) at 8 am, but I don't really feel like I should be able to. It was my own fault that I missed it, and I don't see why I should get an exception. I've been dreading going to his office to take it ever since I got his email. I don't think he would appreciate my hesitation here, but I don't feel comfortable taking the dern thing. I can't imagine that he will think too highly of my making full use of this exception, either. In short, I feel like I'm up a creek without a paddle. Hopefully I'm past the waterfall, and this is just all nervous worrying on my part.

     I think that every time I hang out with Nathan Barrow now, I see a different side of him. Tonight, I found out that that boy can sing and play guitar! (Apparently, for hours and hours, too, haha.) I like his taste in worship songs (and other songs -- like "Falling Slowly"!). The first time we went to Greenwood, I found out just what a crazy pair the two B-Boys make when they're slaphappy together. Now I know that he can "bluegrassify" hymns. ;) Anyway, having an actual guitar to play makes me miss my own, and realizing how much I suck on the piano lately makes me want mine in my apartment next year so that I can play down here at AU!!!!!! Anyway. 

     Nathan and Jael played and sang a duet to this song called "Run Baby Run" by Jason Upton. I looked up the lyrics because I was really intrigued by them when I first heard them. Here they are:

"I've been calling you to go to the city / I've been watching you every day / Now I'm paying for a one way ticket / for a ship that sails the opposite way

And you laugh and you cry / and you live and you die / cause you don't really know who you are / All alone in this world / orphan boy, orphan girl / cause you don't really know who you are

Run baby run / My hands release you baby / Run baby run / just as fast as you can / Run till your legs / lead your heart to the real truth / You're my daughter, my son / so run baby run baby run

Hear me laughing as you run from your calling / See me crying, see me crying in the storms that rage / One way or another, you will be going / To obey is such an easier way"

     It made me wonder how much God really owns us as part of his family once we become part of it. I wondered, is it possible to really run from God so much that you run away completely? I think it takes more than we realize. Even when Jonah was running from God, he was still in God's hands, although times were troublesome for him. He eventually came back around, albeit begrudgingly. I was reminded of Jesus' admonitions that those who would "put their hands to the plow and look back" were "unfit for service in the kingdom of God". (Side note: yes, I understand that I'm not using quotation marks in the right places according to American writing styles, but the British style is much less ambiguous at times. If that's a problem, well, may I suggest a straw? If you don't know what that means, then just ask.) Back on topic. I wondered if looking back after putting a hand to the plow or running away from Ninevah really disqualifies a person permanently, or if these things merely signify an immaturity in faith that will come to pass. If such a person is unfit by definition and not as a temporal result of a bad decision, then we have to admit that Jesus is calling Jonah unfit for the kingdom of God. I like the suggestion of those song lyrics that, even if we take the scenic route, God will always steer us back to his path. The Greek for "fit" in Luke 9:62 can be translated as "useful". I'd like to think that that uselessness of the one who looks back is only temporary, until he can move up in maturity to achieve usefulness. I'm probably just extrapolating on what may be nothing at all here, though. I'm just getting really tired. I wonder if I could just sleep for 45 minutes? Probably not, but I think I might try...

     Goodnight all. :)

MOOD: lethargic

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

  Today was a good day. I read all of my Shakespeare for the day, watched my brother (an angry, blond, Irish man-elf, as described by Kristyn and myself at the game) play a decent game of rugby, and got the chance to hang out with a few friends, including the great auditing guru of Greenwood, Patricia Jongkind. The biggest problem is that I seem to have overbooked myself (as usual) for tomorrow. I need to do my laundry, play catch-up on my term paper for British Lit -- two pages to write now, since I didn't write one today -- and of course then I'm going to Greenwood for some Thai Spice. --Quite possibly the best Thai food ever made, I imagine. 

     What is up with my brother lately? I just found out that the chuckleberry apparently got mad at another guy at practice and PUNCHED the guy in the gut. Seriously, that is not like Cody at all. The only person I've ever seen him punch is me, and that was what we did to knock the wind out of each other when we were younger -- nothing like a stark raving mad, screaming idiot suddenly being deflated (literally) -- it was our admittedly odd way of laughing our way out of fights. Even then, we never actually hurt each other (or intended to). So what's going on with that boy? Sheesh, he was glowering the whole game. Kristyn was worried that she had done something wrong, but seeing as how they were getting along just peachy last night, I really doubt it. He reamed Ray out in the game, which was not altogether unlike his angry competitiveness in high school when he played football. (And then someone yelled, "A lot of bad things just happened!" -- a real Captain Obvious, I guess -- which broke up the tension a bit, so that was good.) I just wonder what bug might have flown up into tricky territory with that kid. 

     On a softer note, it really does seem like something is bothering Toad; I know that if something is there, he'll probably open up about it eventually. He's more like our mom than our dad there, as far as bottling things up and trying to sort through them on his own (until he can't, and it leaks out). I'd much rather that than the two-hour rants that my dad goes on, though. (Hmm. Wonder who I take after.) Anyway.

     The Calvin team didn't seem so unified, either, screaming and swearing at each other. I'm proud to say, bittersweetly (which is not a real word), that Cody's outburst seemed to be the only dissension on AU's part. The Calvin team, although AU beat them, was brutal. Moose got nailed hard around his eye, which sprayed his blood all over JJ Perry (with a little bit on Bracken's leg, too, as I noticed later). I didn't see the hit, but Kristyn said that Moose was just kind of standing off to the side of an almost-dead play when this guy sprinted right into him with a head-to-head hit. Punk. Darn Calvin. I guess it either wasn't a late hit, or there is no such thing in rugby? I'm guessing it was the former. Anyway. 

     On another note, I actually liked the mall. I'm obviously not a huge fashionista in sense of the word, but today I actually found stuff I liked at the mall! In the past, I would have been happy just to go to Dick's Sporting Goods, Borders Books, and Starbucks, but with two 19-year-old girls, I ended up at Forever 21, Hollister, American Eagle, and Macy's. I have to admit, once I could get past the ridiculous prices of shorts that seemed more like belts and t-shirts designed for women with the bodies of tiny fifth graders, I did find some genuine "trendy," "feminine" clothes and even jewelry. I could see myself actually dressing more girly if I really put my mind to developing a new wardrobe this summer, except that I have those dern bills for college and such. How hollow is this paragraph, though? Gimme a raw, close Colts game instead, and at least I think that would be more interesting. Heck yes.

     Speaking of the Colts, I found out that they're going to kill (not play) the Lions for their second preseason game, and I convinced my dad that we should go watch this massacre in person in "Day-twa". I can't wait to see who they'll draft come next Saturday and who will do well in those preseason games. (Shoot! I just realized that I'll be watching a rugby game on draft day. Oh, well, that's what SportsCenter is for, I guess.) I wonder who will make second string, who will make third and fourth strings, and who will just be sent home after those first few games. I'm not at all  and who will get sent home after those first few games. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really not going to miss Ben Utecht on the team next year. He seems like a decent guy from that chapel that he spoke at, at AU, but the guy does NOT play consistently. I wish him the best with the Bengals, but it tore me up a lot more last year when we gave up Cato June. I can't believe that they let Rocky Boiman go this year! Sad day. Darn salary caps. We are definitely hurting at the linebacker position now, since we've lost two good linebackers in the last year. Heck, Cato led the team in tackles two years ago. I also wonder how releasing Jake Scott will affect the O-line, since the fab five have been pretty tight in the past. Oh, well. This is the downside of the beautiful world of sports: players are constantly streaming from one team to the next. Anyway. I hope we pick up a fast, hard-hitting LB who can make big plays and an aggressive, strong blocker with good hands and decent speed at TE. That's my two cents' worth. 

     Random realization: I don't imagine that I could ever enjoy watching golf, fishing, racing, or poker. I just don't care too much for any of them. Maybe I would like poker if I played it more often -- the only poker I've played was Texas Hold 'Em with JJ on the way to Nashville, but I imagine that even if I played more regularly, my face would give me up in an instant. My poker face and I were separated at birth.

     Two other things I've been thinking about a lot lately: 1) Is a naive, hopeful faith better than a time-tested, trial-tested, more cynical one? I don't know the answer. I would venture to say that both are aspects of one faith, but I wonder if, and how, one could move back from the latter to the former? Hmm. 2) I still can't handle failure. I can't face it; I avoid it entirely. I really need to have more hope and perseverance. I let someone down big time this week, and every time I think about facing this person next, I feel both terrified and incredibly queasy. That tangled mess of yarn that's created when my dad's cat gets ahold of my crocheting? Yeah, that's how my stomach feels -- irreversibly mangled. Yikes. I need to get through this.

     And finally, I survived my first ever earthquake yesterday morning (okay, I'm still counting this as very late on Saturday night, even though it's really not). Technically, it was just an aftershock, but still. I woke up and thought, "What the --?" (There was no third word, so no worries.) "This feels like an earthquake, but Indiana doesn't get earthquakes. Those happen in California!" My second thought was, "Jesus came back!" upon which thought I promptly looked out the window to see if there were any cars that had crashed into each other like in the Left Behind stories. Unfortunately, there was no one on University at 5:35 am, so I was left to wonder with the realization that, if this were indeed the case, my sorry butt was still stuck in my bed. So I naturally said a quick prayer and went back to sleep (hey, what else could I do?). Anyway. I'm glad that I wasn't the only one to think that; one of my friends said the same thing. We Christians are a pretty comical bunch, I guess. 

     If anyone reads this (Heather, I didn't realize that you actually did. Woohoo!) then please keep my best friend, Steve, in your thoughts and prayers. His uncle just passed away, and I know that it's really hard on Steve and probably much harder on his dad, Ken, my second dad. So yeah. Much love and many prayers to all of my second family. 

     Well, it's adieu and bonne nuit for me. Thank you, Babelfish. ;) Oh, and to my fav flautist, I miss your maize-and-blue self. :)

MOOD: contemplative

Day #1

I totally screwed things up today. I was studying for class and fell asleep before a big test, and I had already needed to turn in a late paper for that class. My prof for that class is really upset, understandably, and I'm so mad at myself for letting things get out of control, as usual. This semester was gonna be my best so far, and here I go again and screw things up for myself. 
     I feel like my life has become such a mess lately over the course of these last two weeks. It wasn't bad last week so much because I didn't really have anything due. I worked over 15 hours, though (probably around 20 hours) and felt/got sick on and off throughout the whole weekend and on into Monday and Tuesday. I actually got sick at work on Tuesday, but I needed to man the fort, so I just laid down in the tutors' closet. (Funny, I know.) Ugh, I hate how crazy everything gets before midterms and finals. Everything from here on out isn't so bad, though. I just have one more test, two papers, a class presentation, a few quizzes, nd then a lot of finals. I've already mapped out my time for the next two weeks so that I'll have time to hang out with my mom and Bob next weekend and be "done" studying for finals by Sunday, May 4th. I really need to nip this thing in the bud.
     Anyway, I'm hanging out with Jael and Gretch tonight, so that should be a relaxing time to not think about things for awhile. Then tomorrow, I have Cody's rugby game, and I'm going to help Sammi out with gram staining before that. I'm going to start on my term paper tomorrow and start reading The Tempest for Shakespeare as well. Heck, maybe I'll even start on The Tempest tonight. Wish me luck in all of this fun. :) I know I can do it right now; I just want to always keep that at the front of my thoughts.

i imagine . . . i should get some sleep

i imagine our conversation if you were to walk up to me right now.
"so how's it going?"
"it's good. i've got a lot to do, but it's okay."
"so everything is good?"
"yeah."
"are you sure everything is good?"
"yeah, really. everything's good. how 'bout you?"
"i'm doing alright. i just wanted to know how you're doing. are you sure everything's good?"
"yes."

and on the inside, i was thinking earlier (as i was in such a bad mood) that i would have preferred a conversation more like this.
"so how's it going? you look upset."
"yeah, i just really don't feel well, and i have a paper to write for tomorrow. and i had to come here in the rain with 8 books to read over and write a prospectus for a lit paper, ALL BECAUSE the network doesn't work in my apartment. and i don't have wireless to just use the guest wi-fi."
"yeah?"
"yeah, and i just got back from my roommate's bridal shower, which i showed up almost an hour late to and felt like an idiot."
"yikes. was she upset?"
"no, but i walked in in the middle of everything and had to tell her that i had to go wrap her present because i had just bought it."
"you didn't buy it until just before the shower?"
"nope. i feel like i've been wasting so much time lately, but i've been busier than ever with tutoring appointments, an extra hour of training at the Learning Center, and extra hours for Reardon this week. i was planning to go to wal-mart for aimee's gift last night after the concert and tear-down and load-out got done, but then i got sick in the middle of load-out. the guy who was subbing for dave, my boss, told me to stay, but i just walked back and went to bed last night after that. and i couldn't get my car from my brother today until almost one, and the shower started at 2. um, yeah, i'm not so good with finding the things on a bridal registry. at all."

and this is where i can only imagine your response from what i would say to one of my friends.
"sounds like you need to stop being so hard on yourself."
and i would imagine myself thinking, "but i'm not just blaming this on myself. if ITS would do their stupid jobs, i could be working on this paper in my room right now." that's the biggest source of my anger right now. and i don't feel like working on this paper. i feel like there's a big bubble expanding under my rib cage right now, and my stomach feels so nasty. i can't concentrate on anything right now, and i stil have more reading to do. and i'm so stinking tired. i've had it up to here with college right now, and i know that this week will only continue getting busier and busier.

i think i just need to go back and get some sleep. i really do feel like crap. i'm not giving up, but i'm willing to concede the next few hours and the part of my night that will inevitably be stolen back from me in this trade. i can't do anything with this bad attitude and short temper and attention span