And:

Happy New Year, y'all. :)

Judgmental

Am I really judgmental? That's a bitter pill to swallow. I guess the real question is, do you guys see me as more judgmental or empathetic/perceiving?

There has to be some truth to this, since people apparently agree that I'm a judger in some way. Also, that I'm introverted. I'm not so sure about that one, but I dunno.

Maybe I just empathize with the people that one doesn't generally empathize with, and I judge the others that represent something to me. I do categorize some people by their symbolic meaning (to me). I don't know how much I care for the rules, but I do assign symbolic meaning to people, so that's something. Also known as a run-on sentence. And a fragment to follow.

Me and the Men in My Life

My relationship with my brother and my dad (two different people -- I am NOT "my own grandpa." Or grandma.) -- page 1. (Just kidding.)



To save time and space, let's just say that my dad is moody and confrontational, and he tends to create his own momentum to feed his tirades at times. That is not to say that he is always wrong (although the degree of his emotion and "constructive" criticism might be). My dad is the one person that I can -- and cannot -- stand up to, paradoxically. When backed into a corner unfairly and rather loudly, I tend to take on the characteristic fury of a bear with the seeming lack of reason. (Though his violent temper scares many people, I guess I try to protect myself by in matching him tit-for-tat or shout-for-shout.) We become angry, nonsensical, mirror images of each other, and nothing gets solved. Usually, I end up walking away in some shape or form, and then I avoid him until he apologizes, albeit still critically. I won't put up with his tirades, but, sad to say, it seems that I always "stand up for myself" with matching emotion and enthusiasm. It's an endless cycle.

I don't respect him enough. I'm not thankful enough for the good things he does for me, nor do I express my gratitude well (often, coherently) to him. I don't really encourage the good aspects of his character, and I dwell on the negative and hold a grudge against those things, synecdochizing them as his entirety. I'm so afraid of his reactions that I don't tell him anything, often hiding the true negativity of my finances or my grades. Conversely, he attacks them when I do share, unless Cody has already stepped in to warn him to play nice.

My brother is not my dad, as much as he doesn't always see this. He is much more even-keeled, though he will relentlessly attack in order to prove a point or point out statements that either don't make entire sense or don't contain the entire truth. (I'm not trying to be "grey" here, just discussing those simple cause-effect relationships and such that are never so cut and dry except when we want the cause to be something other than ourselves.) He basically acts almost as a parent at times, stepping in between my dad and I in our disagreements, making sure that I do things in a punctual, commonsense manner (both of which do not come natural to me). He resents it, and, while I resent it, too, I kind of rely on it.

We help each other out when the other is in a jam, and I continually say and do the wrong thing around him, something that both amuses and immensely irritates him, and which usually embarrasses him in some public form. I really try, though. I just don't have . . . I don't even know what. A filter, for one. It kills me that I embarrass him. It kills me that I just make things awkward around him. And, although I love to try to help him out with advice or a good home-cooked meal or whatever, I know deep down that he wants me around when he needs something. He has a tremendous heart, though, and he has a habit of coming in to save the day when I don't even expect it. I can't truly fault him for this use-it-or-lose-it mentality when he does so much for me out of random moments of . . . I don't know what. Compassion? Friendship? Siblinghood? (Is that even a word?)

He has all this random wisdom of his own, and I really respect it. I'm way too critical of him, though. I want him to be the best person that he can be (and not get a big head in the process). I don't feel like I can tell him emotional, wishy-washy things (read: feminine things) that affirm his positive attributes, though, because, for one, I don't think he likes emotional, sappy talk. For two and three, I am not that coherent of a person when I'm trying to put something big into (verbal) words, and I feel like those words fall on deaf ears when I do throw them out there. Every once in awhile, we have a big conversation where we really open up to one another, and we can talk honestly and vulnerably about our hopes and dreams for ourselves, as well as our admiration and concerns for/about each other. I remember things that he tells me that I doubt he remembers even saying. I hold onto those things, albeit silently, just hoping to hear one again.

I don't handle conflict well with the men in my life. I don't handle emotion, or femininity well with them, either. I continually send my incompetencies their way, and they take care of it, although not always so happily. I run from justly deserved criticism, getting angry at its senders. I ache for affirmation, positive attention, affection, though I never say it. I guess I'm just as screwed up as the next guy. I don't know what this says about me; all I know is this: here I am as I stand now, honestly, but, I'm sure, replete (I like that word) with my own biases.

Chance Is the One Thing You Can Still Bet On

Should I have capitalized "On" in the title? I don't remember, since it has emphasis? Eh, well.

Random thoughts of the day that I will share before I forget them --

How crazy is it that, centuries after mankind first noticed randomness in the universe (or at least settled down to think about it), we're still debating over its implications (good versus evil, the "purpose" and occurence of suffering, the existence of God and the depth of his concern for humanity, evolution versus creation) and using it for our own entertainment (in other words, gambling)? (Whew! That was a long sentence. I apologize.) Sure, we've developed oodles of variations of poker and euchre and the like, but c'mon, we're still betting on dice or the randomness of cards. Ridiculous. And downright cool that something as simple and paradoxically huge as random chance (redundant) has so captivated us -- such a powerful law of nature. We don't even see God in that mix, but who the heck created all of this random chance? I think God did. Haha, so when we write gambling off as "of the devil," we don't even realize (heck, neither do the gamblers) that this fascination holds in its gaze something immense and God-created that we should all marvel at! Two bad approaches here -- gambling tries to control (or thinks it can control) chance, "lady luck," and denies its source and purposes, while parts of the Church historically (and still today) strive to deny that this chance even exists, covering up its beauty and simplicity with assumptions of God's intentionality toward all things. (Maybe God created chance intentionally? Just saying.)

Thought bubble number two:

Why is it that, upon telling some people that they have something, specifically some personal quality, that you wish to have, one can instead unintentionally inflate their egos? I mean, there is a compliment in there, but let's say that it's an affirmation. Anyway, the next time you try to impress them with your own demonstration of said ability/quality, they now condescend to mock or just plumb shut down your attempts now that they've been deemed an authority on the subject?

Here's the part where I spill the specifics. I wish I was as funny as my brother. I'd almost tell him that, but I think I know his personality well enough to know that, if I do give him that affirmation, he will (probably unconsciously, but to ensure his stature as said resident funnyman) most likely follow the above pattern.

I guess the real question is, why do I want to be as funny as he is? That's envy, folks, pure and simple. I envy the ability to make people laugh and the charisma that just draws people to him. Oh, well. I have my awkwardness and running into things. I guess I qualify as an unintentional slapstick comedienne. Seriously. I have the bruises on my shins and knees to prove it. :)

Today, Cody and I joked in the car about how funny it would have been if I would have shut my shoelace in the car door and discovered it as we were driving down the freeway. Just missed happening, actually. Just a closing story to make you smile. :)

("I can't move my stupid foot 'cause my shoelace is stuck in the door?"
"You shut your shoelace in the door? AHAHAHAHAHA"
"I know. Shut up." *beet red face*)

That's generally how it goes. ("You ran into your bed?" "Did you just run into the door frame/counter/door?" "I can't believe you almost ran into a tree!") My gift to the world is my lack of coordination. Or my lack of attention to details like where the doors, trees, beds, etc. are at. Small stuff like that. :D

Fun Fact

I'm seriously considering going into the Air Force after school. It pays well (and SallieMae is fully prepared to suck me dry upon my graduation), it would give me some real discipline, and I'd get to travel! I won't qualify for any of the teaching fellowships in any of the big cities across the U-S-of-A for next year, since my degree won't be conferred until August, so that's not an option anymore. The only other thing I'm really considering is teaching English in Korea, but I'm not sure if I'll have my degree in time for the proper visas and such. We shall see.

Rocky Votolato. Check 'im out. I'd recommend "White Daisy Passing," "The City Is Calling," or "Suicide Medicine." Great if you like folky or acoustic music.

There's Nothing Like a Little Etta . . .

. . . to just chill to and to inspire one. Thank God for Launchcast on Yahoo Radio. Pretty much the best mood lifter in the world.

I want to write something beautiful. The one thing I've started wondering about, though, is, do we artisticky types (yes, I'll include myself in that category) want to write or create something beautiful when the beauty is right in front of us, inside of us? Perhaps a life can be a beautiful story, as cheesy as that sounds. Maybe I'm so accustomed to this desire to create something beautiful outside myself as a semblance of release, that I haven't tried to find that release in my life itself.

Maybe there's something wrong if our lives themselves don't contain the beauty we seek elsewhere.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong things.

What do I seek for myself and my life? What would my mission statement be? How would I like to be remembered?

(Random note: It always worries me that no one besides me knows my scars. It saddens me to overemotional, weirdly unexplainable depths that even those in my family could identify few of my identifying marks if something were ever to happen to me where I was unrecognizable. Yes, it's morbid. But that lack of intimacy and, heck, interest, is just plumb disappointing. I just discovered another one today, and, thus, this popped back into my thoughts.)

Back to topic. What do I want to do, to be remembered for?

Well, first of all, what I'd like to accomplish and who I'd like to become are two different things.

I'd like to travel, to learn new languages, to get my act together and suddenly (poof! magic) become some shade of organized. I want to find a job that I will like and that will play to my strengths and needs: independence, lots of movement, variety, and freedom to be creative. I want to live somewhere that is beautiful, comfortable, and home, surging with community. I do not want to live in Housing Development, Suburbia. Heck, no.

I'd like to become someone I'd look up to. I want to keep my country roots, be someone physically, emotionally, and spiritually strong. I want to have a deep faith that not only questions, but finds answers, without all of the lingo and prepackaged, easy answers. (And I never want to wear a Jesus t-shirt again.) I want to be independent, fiercely compassionate and loyal, nonjudgmental, but still grounded in my own faith. I want to be a lover who fights for the ones I love. :) I want to be observant, hospitable, wise, introspective, intelligent, creative and artistic, merciful, sometimes times funny, sometimes awkward, always quirky, and always genuine. I want to be spontaneous and grounded, all at the same time, and I want to love and serve others for their sake and for the purpose of Purpose, of living out my faith and my love and extending that same grace and hope that I've received to everyone around me. I want to love the unlovables. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to be vulnerable and honest. I want to be blunt when I need to be. I want to be passionate, tomboyish (why should I change that? I like it), and encourage the creativity and love of others.

I don't want people to be ashamed of me. I don't want my family to be ashamed of me. I don't want to be ashamed of me. I don't want to shame the God I love, although I know that's something I do and will continue to do from time to time.

I don't want to let people down. I want to meet their expectations, my way. I want to be more punctual, more thoughtful in encouragement and communication, and more reliable. I want to be involved in things outside myself. I don't want to settle into selfish routine.

Oh, yeah, and I'd like to learn coordination and learn how to dance and cook really well, too, but that's beside the point. I'd like to eat healthier, while we're at it. I'd like to create my own fashion for myself, one that's actually fashionable and professional. I'd like to learn how to paint and/or sculpt. I'd like to take exquisite photographs that really capture color and beauty as I see it. And like I said, I'd like to write something beautiful. Side track . . . done.

(Ray Charles' "Blues Waltz." Fantastic. Really.)

My grandma wonders why I'm still single? I'm still perfecting this stuff. These are my goals, my dreams.

Late-Night Musings

It's late, but I'm not quite tired enough to sleep quite yet.

Maybe friendships can't start again when two roads diverged in a wood, and he -- he took the one less traveled by? And do we ever really grow up, or do we just learn to camouflage the same childish questions in designer clothing? Is it the questions themselves that are childish, or just the mouths of the babes they come from? I don't have any answers.

And for me, specifically. What does it take to truly forgive things thought forgotten? I would genuinely like to change my perspective on things, namely, from pessimism to optimism. It makes forgiveness so much easier and healing so much more possible. Somewhere along the way, I've convinced myself that realism meant pessimism. Does it have to be that way? And change -- can people really change? Can I change? I don't always want to; sometimes apathy wins. I don't really seek answers from anyone; these are the rhetorical thoughts that keep vibrating in my brain. Can trust ever be validated? Maybe that's not the real question. How does one find sufficient validation in God? How does one find anything in God? I hear theories and abstractions all the time, but they seem to my ears like instructions to a dog to duplicate a Van Gogh painting. Mull that one over with your cider. For once, I would rather see this in action, especially up close, than to hear the words once again.

"A woman's heart should be buried so deeply in God that a man has to go there to find it."

I don't care about the man right now. I want something lasting, eternal. These are questions I would expect from a "non-Christian," but I am a Christian who has been tinged with doubt about all things over the last few years. I don't seek a fleeting feeling. I want something tangible, something lasting and consistent. In my experience, God hasn't been consistent, but, then, neither have I.

And that's enough for now. I'm tired enough for sleep at last.

Family?

I think my parents are both trying very hard. The holidays have been really good so far, though there was conflict. Even my mom's family was pretty openly enjoyable. I think everybody's trying to forgive and move on. I don't feel so threatened by my mom's new family and the prospect of "blending" into it so much anymore, although I don't imagine it the way that she does, I'm sure. I could have a friendship with these girls, although I can't guarantee a sisterhood. I don't even have that with most of my friends -- just those I have the most history and the most vulnerability with. I'm finding peace in the midst of it, though I don't envy my dad's situation with Lori's kids. None of us wants to blend there, and that seems to be the only thing that actually connects us all. Her oldest son seems like the only one of her kids who has retained any peace and common sense in this whole thing. I dunno. It's a bit scary, still.

Coming back to this note a few days later, yeah, the tensions are coming back, but we're handling it the way any ordinary family would, I think. That's good, right? It has to be.

Older chest

This time separated from anyone my age and chuck full of "family time" gives me a lot of time to think -- and get depressed. How will the monotony not drain me with apathy and frustration? All of the stuff bubbling under the surface, all the stuff we'd like to avoid comes out and taints our emotions and darkens our time together during these long stretches of time together.

1. By all accounts, I'm a failure. Academically, I turn everything in late and oversleep instead of going to class. I show up late for tests or never show up for quizzes. I'm not the successful, straight-A student that many people assume, and my future is in jeopardy.
a. Financially, I spend more than I make.
b. I show up late for work and don't get all of my tutor reports in. I don't fill things out in a timely fashion at all.

2. I'm angry at my dad for the divorce; I blame him for it, and I don't trust his honesty with himself or others after "the Loris." And his attempts to control my life (which arise more out of love than they seem to, I realize) sometimes seem ludicrous, even laughable in his hypocrisy.

3. I don't like Lori. I see her, in part, as a catalyst for the divorce, though I don't think she was as aware of what was going on as my mom thinks. I hate how my dad treats her, and I hate that she gets mad over little things, but puts up with the biggest crap he dishes out.

4. I don't like my mom. I haven't felt closeness or affecton to or from her since I was little. She doesn't like kids, but she's always pretended to. For some reason, she stopped or gave up on being supportive at times just because she didn't like our ages. Except that kids don't work like wine -- you can't just cast us aside for years until you decide we've reached an age in which you can now enjoy us. She's so stern and correctional most of the time, and has been for so long, that her kindness, generosity, affection, and interest now seem somehow false.

5. And I don't really trust her. As much as I don't trust Dad's judgment, I don't trust the strength or stability of her love -- she's just as unreliable as one of my dad's moods. She has taken out her frustrations on me and thus taught me that some truly beautiful, but complex things are ugly punishments (like femininity, for example), and she has told both Cody and I things about ourselves that stick and cling to us with such great force, hurtful things, that her attempts to affirm us seem fickle and feeble at best. Plus, she hasn't treated Cody, especially, in the way a loving, supportive, understanding mother -- someone she wants and claims to be -- should! We are not toys tht can be picked up again whenever someone so chooses.

6. Bob is not our father; his kids are her family and not ours; and their house will never be "our" home, nor would I ever desire to make their home my own. I want to support her in her new life, but she does not get to decide that my life has to suddenly tuck and roll into this nice, neat little package of Family Suburbia. I don't want a new life, complete with prepackaged step-siblings and step-nephews. I'm happy she's found someone who makes her happy & vice versa. I kind of miss our past life as our family, and maybe that's why I'm so critical of the past -- I don't know if that even makes any sense. I guess it's a paradox. But the best I can do is create my life -- not my mom's chosen new life or my dad's, either; not some combination or hybrid of the two; just my own life, which includes the same people as before.

7. I'm incredibly self-centered, and this divorce/remarriage thing has only served to heighten this. Whereas the center of my life once included a whole family unit, replete with traditions and conflict, that family has been torn, and its members now spread away from the center. While there are new people at the periphery, those new people in the lives of my former family members, there's now no real, emulsified (that's non-glued-together, for all of you non-sciencey folks) family at the center.

Thinking of giving up

This week has been hell. As in, I've made my own hell this week. I turned one paper in two days late and another three days late. And the funny thing is, I had the first one done on time and the second one done about an hour late. I just overslept and would have arrived to class late with said papers in hand both times. I need to get my act together.

On the other hand, Agathos has slowly stopped participating in things. We did a service project last weekend, and "we" only included Ellen and I. I still have to finish it myself, because, with just the two of us, we couldn't finish the dang thing. I sent out an email about selling tickets, and only Jenny responded. As it was, her schedule was already busy, so she could only take the occasional hour. And now that my phone is back on, I realize that I've got a bunch of missed calls from Boosters wanting to know why we haven't had ticket sales in the BOD, and I have no idea of how to answer.

I'm done. I've dropped the ball enough with classes, work, and Agathos, so one thing needs to go. And I'm through with doing everything with just myself, Jenny, and Ellen participating, for the most part. I'm not Agathos; I can't be Agathos or even carry it for awhile. I think I'm going to resign as an officer for next semester. It's just one more thing I don't need on my plate right now. I need to get my frickin' act together in a few more important areas than this, and I don't need the added responsibility of club to weigh me down.

Something that provoked thoughts in me . . .

Apparently this was an article in Relevant. ------------------------------------

I know, I know. You’re already looking for holy, sanctimonious, snobbish “it’ll be worth the wait when your prince (or princess) comes and makes it all worthwhile.” Not so, I say. And it’s not easy for me to say that at all. I’ve been married seven and a half years, was single for 27 before that, and I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to be single.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not looking to be free of my husband … not at all. Seven and half years later, I think we’re finally getting to the good stuff. We know each other way less than we thought we did on our wedding day, and much better than we did that next morning when we woke up as Mr. and Mrs. We’ve been through some really tough stuff together: We’ve both had surgeries, mine minor, his less so. We’ve struggled to pay bills—really scary ones, like the one from the IRS. We make an odd couple—both tremendously damaged by our childhoods, and healed in some painful and wondrous way by one another. But I digress…

Singleness. I never valued it when I had it. My goal was always not to be alone, and since I make friends with male people more easily than with female people, that meant I was “not alone” with male people quite a bit. Emotional intimacy was easily had, and I mistook that more than once for love, and that led to sex and the giving away of bits and pieces of myself.

And the older I get, the more I wish I hadn’t given so much of myself away. I wish I’d learned to like myself better as a single person, valued myself more, given more of my heart to God and less of my body to men who didn’t love it like I should have. The older I get, the more I realize how deep God’s love is, and how like a father I have broken God’s heart in the past—not irrevocably and not with rejection, but with sadness for how little I thought of myself, how much of myself I gave that I can’t get back, how little I trusted myself when I was so determined not to be single.

By the time Ben and I married, I had grown up a little. I’d sort of given up on not being single, and was working on learning to love my single self. We actually had a very deep conversation about how we were not dating at this point in our lives, over a dinner that started as a convenient grab-a-bite-after-class and was, by the end of the evening, looking more and more like a date. I liked myself, and so I didn’t just jump at the chance to date someone, to be “not alone.” I found that because I valued myself and had a sense of who God was calling me to be, I felt freer to hold back, to be “wooed,” to wait for a sense that this time it would be the time to give my heart definitively and not try to buy love with the rest of me.

What I think about singleness is this: It’s a time to come to know who you are, to be at peace with yourself and with God. It’s hard to feel all that comfortable when you know you’ve left bits and pieces of your self and your soul behind, and failed to value them the way God does. But they can grow back.

Singleness for me was mostly years of failing to understand that true love doesn’t ask for my soul, but receives it, shares it and grows it. It was years of failing to realize that I had “true love” in my platonic friendships and in my relationship with Christ and in my family, and that it was time to stop looking elsewhere for love. And singleness was the incubator in which I grew up, from a childish seeking for comfort anywhere I could get it, to finally feeling that in Ben I’d found a love and acceptance only God had felt for me before. It was years of learning to face myself in a mirror and see contentment reflected back.

So yeah, I’ve been thinking about singleness. Part of me misses it, but only to the extent that I failed to value it when it was mine. There’s freedom there, to travel and to think out loud, to take the crazy job or paint my toenails purple (he hates it when I do that). You can eat what you want and watch the ball game without worrying about what anyone else wants to do. Singleness was right for me for a time. It’s been right for my best friend all along—she’s my age, and, I think, secure enough in God and in herself to enjoy it while it lasts, while staying open to the possibilities of being not-single. It’s right for another friend, who finds it to be her calling in life, to be satisfied with who she is and comfortable in her own skin.

Singleness is about adventure, self-esteem and growing up. And it’s about you owning your soul, until it’s time to give it away to the one who gives it back to you, with theirs. Here’s my word of wisdom from the other side of singleness: It’s who you are when you’re single that sets the course for who you’ll be all your life. Be whole, and yes, holy—don’t give yourself away. You’ll miss the pieces you let go.

Stolen From Ellen . . . Answers to Come Later

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line (unless the first line reveals the song title) from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing. *Omit instrumentals and songs in other languages.*
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own

1. In every heart, there is a room, a sanctuary safe and warm . . .
2. Lovely is the feelin' now; fever, temperature's risin' now . . . -----think back
3. Tell a lie that's enough, give me a story you've made up, and I'll forgive you . . .
4. Tell me, do you think it'd be all right if I could just crash here tonight? -----easy one
5. Johnny used to work on the docks, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck . . . --- easiest one
6. Betcha didn't know I knew how to rock 'n roll . . . ------ good (old) song
7. I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, a-you dont stop . . .
8. (The choir's in the house) Got to move (move), come on (come on), hey, ladies, let your bodies move . . . ----- if anyone gets this without google, he or she is my hero
9. Staring at a blank wall and its whitewashed face, not knowing why I had to choose this way . . .
10. No, she won't, she won't, she won't wait . . .
11. Boy, you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light . . . "Bye Bye - Jo Dee Messina
12. I've been lost inside empty space in my heart . . .
13. There was a time I could drink my cares away . . . ------ and country folks can survive
14. Which of the bold-faced lies will we use? 'I hope that you're happy . . . ' ------ also easy
15. When your mind is a mess, so is mine, I can't sleep 'cause it hurts when I think . . .
16. Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? "Bootylicious" - Destiny's Child
17. I came in as the sun came up, she glared at me over her coffee cup . . . "That's My Story" - Collin Raye
18. Whoa, thought it was a nightmare, lo, it's all so true . . .
19. Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do . . .
20. There is freedom within, there is freedom without, try to catch the deluge with a paper cup . . . "Don't Dream It's Over" - Crowded House

Today

We tried out something like 30 or so acts for this Encore. Which was great, except for the fact that it made it so hard to make cuts. We decided, in fact, to keep 20 acts and push the early show up to 7:30 to give us time for the extra songs in there. I dunno. I'm tired, and I'm ready for the weekend. :) *peaceful sigh* Off to bed now.

Oh, ADDP.S. We're trying to come up with an extra Encore theme. We've thought of a Beatles Encore or Encore Originals, which would be more nichey music (indie, classic rock, things that didn't necessarily make it big, but were great anyway, and maybe even some songs written by students), and a redneck/country Encore. Any thoughts or other ideas?

"Drama, drama, drama!"

I think I might try to blog on here almost daily; I won't commit, though, in case I don't have the time, energy, or inspiration to follow through at one or more points. Anyway.

So today. Got to be the official face of Agathos for some Agathos-Boosters tensions about Encore. Fun, fun, and physically icky. Speaking of Encore, we have a Louis Armstrong and a Carrie Underwood living on campus. Nice.

No class today, but I sold club formal tix instead. Pretty sure I'm going with my guy. Speaking of Jase, I def. dropped it that I've been thinking about it and think I'd like to love him (future, not present; my mind runs in much different directions than seems common). clarified on the phone that i care deeply for him, but not love yet. could go that way, though. i'd like it to . . . eventually. hope he didn't think there were any expectations that came along with the announcement. had wanted to tell him on friday, because we're double dating that night, but yeah. decided i'd rather end this night on that high note, although it scared him more than anything. why can't a girl talk about loving someone without the associations of immaturity and that damned MRS degree? no thank you.

anyway. too premature? we've only been a couple for maybe a month and a half, although our "first date"-ish-type thing was a couple weeks before that. i dunno. i'm thinking now that it would have probably been better to wait, not because i think the message would change, but so that it wouldn't have been so much of a shock. that poor guy's heartbeat! 150 bpm, i think. :) haha poor kid.

thinking of frank (sinatra)'s "have yourself a merry little Christmas" right now. good head music to fall asleep to. when did facebook notes get so limited in material? boo. goodnight, all, and shut up, ADD. ;)

Stolen from Jael stolen from Allison

1. What was the highlight of your week? Last night, just hangin' out with my guy *blush*


2. Whose car were you in last? my own


3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? oh gosh, is this gonna be one of those cheesy romantic things? maybe I didn't read this through enough


4. Last movie you watched? i forgot . . . um, i guess it was superbad

5. Who were you with? this cool guy and his roommate, jason ;) (jk; i was with two pretty nifty guys -- Jason and Derrick)

6. Last thing you ate? beef stew over a biscuit in Olé and cottage cheese


7. Last thing you drank? 2% milk and ice water (i ordered both)


8. When was the last time you had your heart broken? romantically? never. other than that? when i saw that ASPCA commercial the other night. as in, broken in a good way.


9. Who came over last? mr. kelm


10. Are you happy right now? yep


11. What did you say last? "have a good night"


12. Where is your phone? in my coat pocket, and it's turned off because i'm at work, where the library walls suck the juice out of it.


13. Are you left-handed? nope


14. Spell your name without vowels: dnll


15. Do you have any pets? i guess ginger is supposedly my dog, but she's more like a family dog; black lab/German shepherd mix and general fun-loving, stinky pain in the butt! ;D


16. Favorite Vacation? florida via kentucky; road trip


17. What do you dislike currently? conflict


18. What are you listening to? "titans spirit (score)" from remember the titans; iPod song shuffle


19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? a week's paid vacation


20. What is your favorite scent? (to jael) I LOVE THAT CANDLE!!!! i bought it for cody once. but to answer the question, i have a few -- cow manure (weird, i know), powdered milk, molasses-coated grain, carnations, the irises by the granary that smell like vanilla, mulled cider candles, rain, snow


21. Who makes you happiest? depends on the day? i still haven't gotten used to this whole dating and relating thing lol. in general, jason, jael, and old friends, because it's always exciting to catch up.


22. What were you doing at midnight last night? heading home


23. When is your birthday? i won't say, but even i usually forget until about the day or two before


24. Who has the same phone as you? very few people in indiana; i guess the guy at the cell phone store has the rokr, but his is orange (slightly jealous here)


25. Last time you went swimming in a pool? homecoming weekend, when padre was here


26. Do you read your horoscope? if i'm that bored/only at home


27. Where was the last place you bought something? crochet hook and something to make Christmas presents with at walmart (i know, i know)


28. How do you feel about your hair right now? way too long, and split ends. i need a haircut.


29. Do you bite your nails? only when they're too long


30. Do you have any expensive jewelery? planning to rob me, blogger quiz? i have one nice bracelet, but it's only expensive to me. and it happens to be at home.


31. Myspace or facebook? facebook. myspace is for creepers.


32. Have you ever smoked? like a chimney! no.


33. Do you have Verizon? no way, josé


34. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? the outdoorsy, adventurous, laid back, compassionate, and thought-provoking ones (believe it or not, i've met a few)


35. Do you have any hidden talents? i can secretly tapdance to heavy metal. i can play the piano and guitar mediocrely. which is not a word. and i can proofread like superman.


36. Favorite Song? "please call me, baby" - tom waits


37. Do you like to sing at all? yes, especially by myself in the car, as loudly and terribly as i can


38. Where does most of your family live? michigan


39. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? nope, i have a little bro, an "adopted little bro" or two or three, an adopted little sister (who is much more mature than me), an adopted "older brother" who's like a little brother to me, and a best friend who's practically my brother, too :)


40. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? haha no


41. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? DID I SLEEP IN TOO LATE?!!!

42. Do you drink? i've grown up in an area where alcohol wasn't always necessarily a rite of passage, and i can honestly say i drink responsibly. but, while i'm a student leader at AU, i don't really care to do that, even though i know i don't need the alcohol policy to enforce moderation.

43. Know any other languages? un poco de español, francés, alemán, y japonés. oh, and a wee bit of sign language.

44. Ever write a coded message? oh, i'm sure i have once or twice back in the day. i prefer vague details that bring inside jokes and stories for specific people.

45. Have you ever been IN a wedding? once as a flower girl when i was little and once in my mom's second wedding

46. Do you have any children? thank God, no. i'm too young. someday, though, hopefully.

47. Did you take a nap today? nope

48. Who has the same birthday as you? Geena Davis, Baby Spice, Stonewall Jackson, Plácido Domingo, Jack Nicklaus, Johnny Oates, Billy Ocean, Benny Hill, Paul Scofield, Christian Dior, Hakeem Abdul Olajuwon (thanks, wikipedia)

49. Ever met anyone famous before? I know P-Diddy personally, except that it's really Patty Davey. I don't care to meet someone just because he/she is famous. That's kind of ridiculous, in my opinion.

50. Do you want to be famous one day? No. At one point, I wanted to bring fame to my hometown so that people would actually know where it's at, but I think I'm happy with my life the way it is. I'd rather be loved than famous, because the two are definitely not synonymous.

51. Any Pet Peeves? oh, a few.

52. Are you multitasking right now? nope, just getting ready for bed.

53. What is your least favorite chore? laundry or ironing, hands down.

54. Last place you drove your car? to Jason's house

55. Ever been out of the country? if Canada counts, and it shouldn't.

56. Where were you born? back home (well, in the GC)

57. Could you handle being in the military? i don't know. i think so?

58. What is your average cell phone bill? free, thanks to my dad

59. Who are you thinking about right now? Encore and Boosters

60. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? tonight at the club council meeting

61. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 2 pairs of tennis shoes, 3 pairs of flip flops, 1 pair of heels

62. How many piercings do you have? one in each ear

63. What are you doing today? selling all club formal tickets

64. Have you ever been gambling? nupe. seen too many individuals, families, and even businesses destroyed that way.

65. Do you like rollercoasters? not especially. i'm a bit of a wuss.

66. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? both, but disney world is definitely better.

67. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? captain planet or robin from batman & robin (i had a crush on him when i was little haha)

68. Last thing you cooked? oh gosh, i don't remember. the last thing i BAKED was cookies for derrick and jason, but the last thing i actually cooked . . . was probably pasta. although the last time we had pasta, jason cooked it.

69. How's the weather? cold and wet, which is okay. :)

70. Do you e-mail? yeah, but i'd rather not most of the time

71. Last time you were sick? monday
72. What states have you lived in? Michigania, Indiana

73. Do you wish you could move? eh, it's okay here. :)

74. What is your dream car? either a ford f-150 with some sort of renewable energy or an aston martin . . . i forget the model, but alicia and i decided this at one time. more realistically, though, a ford taurus -- the old kind.

75. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? not here dealing with this conflict. somewhere conflict-free and relaxed.

Musings

I'm in a sort of creative mood, I guess. I feel like writing. But I just don't have anything earth-shattering to write about. I'm excited for Christmas (and by that, I mean Thanksgiving -- if you come along on Friday night, you'll understand), and I can't wait to come up with (hopefully) really well-chosen, meaningful gifts for the people I love. I want to light candles and string up lights and make hot cocoa with peppermint whipped cream. It's all more meaningful than a sticker with my name on it under a dead piece of wood -- I like the symbolism and the atmosphere and the love best. I even miss the stark landscape of curly-haired cattle against a dirty-snow landscape, complete with sparse, colorless trees against a grey horizon, with the wind tearing at my face and numbing my fingers and toes. I miss seeing neon orange people walking around, sledding behind the snowmobile (as long as I'm not driving), and having to practically throw my pansy dog into the first big snow.

I miss tacky tinsel in my brother's room, all the ornaments that used to mean so much (which have all disappeared), the lights and garland and "Take Off (To the Great White North)" on the record player. I miss the poinsettia lights. These things are a part of a chapter that has closed in my life, though, at least for my family. I think I'd like to revive them in my own life. Maybe next year, or the next, or the next, and so the reasoning goes for another year.

And this year, I have a new someone in my life. I didn't really expect this, honestly. And he's okay, I guess. (haha) Really, he's fantastic. I'm still trying to adjust to being in a relationship, because I'm really used to being on my own. But, although I don't want to write about Jason or talk about Jason all the time as that girl that everyone secretly starts to want to strangle, I'm pretty fond of the guy. :)

Best album to listen to for Christmas that has nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever: Lou Rawls: Greatest Hits. It's just good. Very good.

Anyway, yeah. So my mom and Bob have decorated their house in a nautical theme, although my mom goes for apples and old-fashioned farm-type stuff in her old house, too. My dad decorates his house with paperwork and his yard with typical white trash Americana. Cody is a typical (well, kind of) college kid and RA in Dunn, and he likes tech-y things, Old Navy, good music, and good movies, but I don't really want to go that route again. Tang is a pain in the butt, because she likes theology, but has no time to read, and she doesn't journal; she blogs. I once got her candles, which, I believe, she's just started using in this past year (except that I think I got them for her 3-4 years ago lol). Steven Charles, well, I've got an idea for him. He's relatively easy (HAHAHA). And there's always liquor for Steve. :D Then my roommates, probably Derrick (whose name I have been misspelling in texts -- such a jerk), Maya, Matt and Niccole (but I have their gift picked out already), Pete, Hutsell, Taps, my girls (Anita, Suz, Miranda, JJ), Jonah Tang, Kristyn, Deeter, AP, Amanda, some other friends, and Mary and Ken Howell. I think I might have left someone out . . . ;) But I've already started planning that one, I think. The difficulty comes in figuring out what I can make or afford that would actually mean something to each person.

I have to go to work now.

Anime Weirdo :)

So you need to leave my head, because I can't concentrate. :P Not that I'm too good at that anyway . . .

On a side note, Josh and Jason and Jael, the three of you who actually read this a veces (from time to time) . . . I have a question for you. I'm thinking about making my Christmas gifts this year. (No, I will not try to make a million scarves again, because I can never get the length right, and the wool gets itchy pretty fast. Plus, I'm pretty much over that for awhile.) So any ideas? I'm so excited for Christmas! I think I might take up wood carving and see if I can manage to not suck at that; otherwise, I'll get bored soon after and just buy gifts. Anyway.

The Valley

I recognize the stages. It starts out with slight discrepancies in my organization and preparedness; an assignment that gets forgotten about until just days before, showing up late for class, a messy room, papers everywhere except where they should be. . . . Then, slowly, slowly it progresses, until, at the first major peak of assignments, responsibilities, deadlines, my life erupts.

I had tried to ignore this when I saw it coming weeks ago. I lied to myself that it was the late nights that were making it suddenly hard to get out of bed. I ignored the spiritual slippery-slope, the shucked responsibilities, even the apathetic dullness that seemed to have thickened over my motivation to do much of anything, even keep up with good friends.

The pattern is the same. I have a lot to do, but can't concentrate on anything; I just want to hide away and run for sleep's cover. I inevitably miss a deadline or two. I get behind, and I can't bear the idea of the look I know I will see in my professors' dissecting eyes, the tone I will hear in their voices and their slicing words. I can't bear to face my failure, and I slowly remove myself from the lives of all but those I care most about. I exult mere musings of isolation into a reality I have chosen and created over the course of a few short weeks. I feel next to nothing, except shame and despondency, and although I can still enjoy a good friend's joke, I feel as though made out of cardboard. I lose even a desire to eat, but I eventually do so out of boredom or the sheer logic of necessity. I sabotage myself before anyone else can, and I hide away from people in general in order to avoid the disappointed, accusing stares of those who have relied on me and whom I have let down, or those who see me as a tremendous, sad waste of potential. I get stuck in this cyclical mindset, and I drag myself further, further, deeper down into a pit.

I haven't made it through all of these phases of the descent yet, but I have certainly started through the progression. It worries me. It scares me.

I don't have time for another deep depression. I don't have time for a minor one. I'm not prepared for the emotional, physical, educational, social, and spiritual tolls of this.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope this isn't another bout of depression.

Apathy has got a hold on me now . . .

1. What's my mood like right now?
"Deadwood Mountain" - Big & Rich
Kind of depressing.

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
"Dead Wrong" - The Fray
Greattttt.

3. What kind of person am I?
"Belgium (Boy Band Mix)" - Bowling for Soup
I can only hope to be that awkward.

4. Am I loved?
"A Long December" - Counting Crows
Don't know what that means, but at least it's a good song.

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
"One-Eighty By Summer" - Taking Back Sunday
You're tellin' me . . .

6. What should I do with my life?
"My Nutmeg Phantasy" (Morello Mix) - Macy Gray
Sure.

7. What is my theme song?
"There's Only One (Holy One)" - Caedman's Call
Not my music, my brother's. . . . I like the idea, but hate the song.

8. What is my best quality?
"Centerfold" - J. Geils Band
HAHAHAHA

9. How does my sex life look?
"Radio Ga-Ga" - Queen
What?
"Valley Winter Song" - Fountaiins of Wayne
How have I never heard this song? Nice.

10. What's the meaning of life?
"For All We Know" - Nat King Cole
So life is about hedonism, once you remove the romantic aspect?

11. How do people see me?
"Fly Me to the Moon" - Frank Sinatra
So in other words, people love me so much they want to boot me into space. Well, that's exciting.

12. Would I make a good catch?
"Masterpiece" - Bayside
Hopefully that means I would, and not that I'm a staggering alcoholic.

13. How crazy am I?
"Will You Be There?" (single version) - Michael Jackson
So I'm paranoid and mistrustful?

14. Will I have a good life in general?
"The Other Side of the Hill" - Chris LeDoux
Good.

15. What do I deep down think about my friends?
"Stupid Boy" - Keith Urban
Hahaha oh no!

16. Can *hot celeb* and I ever be more than friends?
"Fall at Your Feet" - Magnet
Oh, heck no.

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
"Fly With Me" - 98 Degrees (I'm not ashamed)
Okay . . .

18. Where will I be in a year?
"Til Kingdom Come" - Coldplay
???

19. What is my biggest wish?
"Everything I Once Had" - The Honorary Title
Awesome song.

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
"Something Pretty" - Patrick Park
Oh gosh. I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like.

21. How will I die?
"One of These Days" - Tim McGraw
So, who knows, but soon? How optimistic.

22. What will happen after I die?
"lue Jeans"- Keith Urban
So wear blue jeans and remember me lol.

23. How do my friends feel about me?
"Steady at the Wheel" - Shooter Jennings
That is NOT how my friends feel about me. Jonah says, "You're not a TERRIBLE driver, for a girl." Kristyn just laughs at me when I say I'm a good driver haha.

24. What's my worst nightmare?
"Taking Care of Business" - Bachman-Turner Overdrive
I would never want to become just some suit. Desk jobs and monotony -- unless I'm writing, kindly shoot me first.

25. What would make me truly happy?
"A Boy Named Sue" - Johnny Cash
Don't think so.

26. What do you truly believe in?
"Say You Love Me or Say Goodnight" - REO Speedwagon
Haha bluntness; speaking my mind. True story.

27. What will you get arrested for?
"Sonny" - New Gound Glory
It's dark if you know the words; otherwise, maybe I'll get arrested for doing beating some poor schmuck with my purse at the grocery store as an old lady. (It's all I could think of from the title.)

28. What makes you feel the most alive?
Come Thou Fount - David Crowder Band

29. What does nobody know about you?
"One More Time - Richard Gibbs"
The bro's music, but this one doesn't make sense.
"Crying Shame" - Jack Johnson
Not much better at all.

30. The song that will define your day...
"Please Call Me, Baby" - Tom Waits
Oh, please no. Such an amazing song, though.

Random things from today . . .

I'm not good with conflict, and I'm definitely not good at telling someone they're wrong, even though this needs to happen. Some things just go too far.

I'm not feeling filled up spiritually. Maybe it's because I've been missing church lately, or because I haven't been reading my Bible. (Hmmm, ya think?) Believe it or not, I actually do get something out of each of those, as much as I feel like a stereotype saying that. ;)

I have a friend who wrote recently that he has felt compelled to tell people he's been reading his Bible, praying, etc. when he hasn't been. I feel the need to do these things (really, it not only keeps me focused on something bigger than myself, but just affects me for the better in general, I think), but I don't make time.

I used to get up early in the morning, which basically gave me time to do devos before class and a lot of time to waste, too. This morning, I decided to "get up early" at 7:30 to shower and get ready for work at 9 am, but I reset my alarm for 8:20. That obviously made me rush, and I was 5 minutes late to work. This shutting off the alarm and/or resetting it thing has got to stop. I can't let myself go academically before I've even reached the middle of the semester, and it's also stealing my one time in the day when I can get refilled spiritually. Grrr. I need coffee, because I am grumpy today, and all of my frustrations are aimed at myself.

. . . So apparently Maya did the same thing this morning. Gosh we're sweet.

Yup

I'm blessed. :) That's all for now. 

How on Earth . . .

. . . does a girl know when she's just fulfilling a role and when she's not? I think too much. I worry to much. I analyze too much. A more encompassing question might be, how on Earth does a girl stop over-thinking and over-complicating things? As one Saturday Night Live shrink says, "STOP IT!!!!!! STOP. IT. JUST STOP IT!!!!!!"

In other news, Encore is still happening. This Saturday at 8 and 10.

AlemaniAAAAAAAA!

Someone read my blog. TWO people did. Yay for you! I think that might be a first lol. :)

P.S. Since this is my blog, even if it gags you, I'm saying it. I've got a great man. :) Apparently they grow them in Alemania. ;)

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 . . .

TEN random things about me:
10. I will burn for about 3 weeks straight before I can finally start to tan, and even then, it's iffy.
9. I'm an aggressive driver, and I will road-rant half jokingly (although that is not a word).
8. I'm a grammar nut. Seriously, I love proofreading. My dream job would either be teaching middle and high school kids (I'd love to have a class based less on literature and more on how to write a paper for all their other classes, including science papers!) or doing some sort of copy writing for the Indianapolis Colts.
7. I can't pay attention to anything for too long without getting bored. I don't have a favorite color, a favorite song, a favorite outfit, a favorite . . . anything. I switch genres of foods, music, television shows, and anything else that gets monotonous in my life from time to time.
6. I analyze pretty much everything. I evaluate everything. I'm always assessing where I'm at and where I could or should be at. And I really like to go deep. One of my spiritual strengths is my intentionality.
5. I'm a farm girl. I love farming, cattle, animals, and the gorgeous scenery that you just can't find in the city. But, I love the architecture, art, not-for-profits, and the general sense of community that can be found in the city if you look in the right places, too. :)
4. I really value my independence. REALLY.
3. I'm pretty flippant, but I have a hefty guilt complex (crippling, sometimes).
2. I'm an ESFP -- a "performer," but I'd say that it makes me an introspective, talkative, communal, compassionate, eager-to-please, empathetic individual. It doesn't have to be so shallow.
1. I am a tomboy. I love football, especially the Colts. :) I love rugby. I love to lift, and I have the man arms to prove it. I have "car hormones." And, I guess I fancy myself a "tough girl," even though I have no pain tolerance. All that said, coffee, chocolate, cooking, bubble baths, and shopping (window shopping because I'm in college) all make me happy, too. :)

NINE ways to win my heart:
9. Be adventurous. Try new things, be active, and encourage me to try new things, too. Do stuff that's out of the norm (especially outdoor things!).
8. Be unique, and spur on my own uniqueness. Have opinions that aren't based on everyone else around you, but don't just obsess over ideas and the more active parts of life, either. Challenge me to think about new ideas in a positive, encouraging way, not cramming anything down my throat, and help me avoid getting stuck in my own head and missing out on life.
7. Be blunt with me, but don't be a jackass. I may get really irritated when someone talks to me like my dad does (in a way that makes me feel almost attacked), but sometimes, that honest, obtuse approach is needed. I value that thousands of times more than constant, sentimental agreement.
6. Be comfortable in your own skin -- not arrogant or stuck in your ways, but definitely okay with who you are.
5. Encourage me!!!!!! Challenge me to be the best I can be all the time, and ENCOURAGE me to reach that potential, especially when I'm struggling.
4. Accept me unconditionally. It's such a weird feeling to experience, but I appreciate it. That's not to say that you can't challenge me, though.
3. Ask me how I'm doing spiritually. Be open and transparent with me. Tell me how you're doing. Walk with me in my spiritual journey, and invite me allong into yours. Be sincere. Don't allow me to accept mediocrity.
2. Let me know that I'm significant, that I'm valued. I don't always feel that way.
1. When I'm looking away, recognize when 1) I'm being ADD; 2) I'm upset, but don't want or need (or have the time) to go into it; and 3) I'm upset and don't want to go into it, but I need to go into it regardless of my desire to tough it out. Don't force me, because I can be pretty guarded. Ask me the tough questions, though, and stick around for the answers. Ask because you care, and be my shoulder to cry on when I can't help but break down. If you are that "somewhere" that I can actually go to, it will mean a lot.

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8. Live out my idealism. Really live a life of service and advocacy. See the face of God in people from all walks of life (rich and poor, all ages, genders, races, sexual orientations, religions, etc.), even when I struggle to see the hand of God in their situations.
7. Learn to dance like normal people. :) (My upper body is as inflexible as a block of ice.)
6. Reconcile with the boy who taught me to swear.
5. Take a cooking class in Italy. Take a ballet class in Paris. Become graceful (pound some fluidity into my body, and hammer out some of that clumsiness). Learn to paint, to write better, to capture the beautiful melancholy of life in photographs. Help coach a football team. Attend a Colts game. (This is way more than 8 in 1 question.)
4. To be and become an exciting, challenging, encouraging, and great teacher. To be a loving, compassionate, sexy partner and wife to some great guy . . . someday. To create the marriage I've always wanted to see from others: a steadfast, mutually-encouraging, healthy, and dynamic marriage. To be an affectionate, encouraging, assertive (but not controlling) mother . . . someday.
3. Travel. Road trips, tent camping, backpacking, foreign countries, you name it. . . . Do exciting things. Base jump. Climb crazy cliffs. Learn how to skateboard (haha -- that would be funny to watch).
2. Learn as many languages as I can -- common languages, obscure languages, Greek- and Latin-based.
1. Experience genuine community. Make a difference in someone else's life, and know that I mattered, that I actually made a difference while I was here. Become a really great, really intentional encourager.

SEVEN ways to annoy me:
7. Don't use your turn signal, or almost hit me with your car. (My road rage is very real for the second one, but I will only yell what I think of your jerk move from inside my car.)
6. Point out all my flaws to me and make fun of me in a way that we both know is not teasing.
5. Mess with someone I love. Bad-mouth someone I love. I've been told I'm "a Mama Bear," and darned if I don't think that was pretty dang accurate. Also, regardless of whether I know the target or not, I hate it when people gang up on or make fun or another person just to feel more powerful.
4. Don't let me have my independence, in one way or another. Whether it's by leaning on me for everything, whining incessantly and re-directing (and therefore smothering) all conversation, or re-defining me as your narcissistic image of yourself, just don't. Take advantage of me, whether you take advantage of my sense of moral responsibility, my need to be everyone's friend, or my passive lack of confrontation. I love being treated as a doormat (that's sarcasm, kids).
3. Try to tell me how to run my life. I don't care if you think yours is better than mine; heck, I don't care if I think yours is better than mine. I don't like my choices to be made for me.
2. Misinterpret my friendship as something more. Because I take a genuine interest in you, try to take more of me than that.
1. General haughtiness. It's really irritating.

SIX things I like:
6. variety and adventure (even though I'll fight it at first)
5. being outdoors
4. encouraging and being encouraged; deep conversations; loving through cooking
3. hot chocolate with peppermint whipped cream; cuddling :)
2. Colts football :)
1. Coffee, chocolate, hammering on the piano (my Midol)

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5. any living creature small enough to climb up my pant leg (rats/mice, bugs, spiders, stingy creatures, snakes, etc.)
4. heights and water
3. things coming too easily
2. a broken marriage; repeating mistakes
1. failure, especially letting people down; rejection

FOUR favorite items in my room:
4. my Bible
3. my gueetar
2. my great-grandparents' cedar hope chest
1. my bed

THREE things I do everyday:
3. text Jason a million times (embarrassed to say)
2. listen to my iPod
1. have a hard time getting out of bed

TWO things I want to do right now:
2. have answers . . . have more time to blog
1. hit the hay :)

ONE person I really want to see right now:
1. . . . I will see for breakfast in the morning. :) Either that, or Ken and Mary, who, as two people, would not qualify as an answer to this question.

hmm...

Sometimes I worry not only about spewing clichés, but also becoming one myself. 

anita has a dream . . . i just theorize

old post from myspace that i thought i'd bring over here . . .

i have a theory: that being constantly reminded of and held to the sum of your flaws keeps your from rising above them. because some of these unsavory qualities can be overcome, and some will remain or even increase as time passes by. the trick is to know which ones are part of you and stick with you, and to know which are possible to shed completely, or to considerably improve upon, or merely to accept as struggles of shadows that will walk side by side with you until darkness finally separates you, frees you.

this is why unbalanced or unchecked self awareness can be dangerous. this 'awareness' is more like pointless martyrdom when its focus is solely on knowing your own flaws, because then, you lose the ability power, not the ability, to truly change and grow into the person you have the potential to be. if only i knew how to balance far-fetched optimism and plans with the weight of my shadow to peel a few layers off that load.

a poignant life

things that create a beautiful melancholy (or "In hours of weariness, sensations sweet") in me . . .

*a wheat field just before harvest
*the smell of rain when you walk through wet grass
*"summertime" by ella fitzgerald & louis armstrong
*watching someone dance with talented fluidity, like they've got a secret
*the crisp air and the lights and excitement at a friday night football game
*black and white photographs
*banjo and acoustic guitar picking
*the ability to paint what you feel
*the sound of rustling leaves
*honest, hard work that leaves you tired, sweating, and hungry
*calves playing and running in their first couple months of life
*the blind, empty-headed loyalty of old cows and steers
*the way my dog sits and stares at me when i sneak outside for a cry, or the way she sits on my feet the moment i walk in the door
*hugs from a familiar old friend
*friends who understand without speaking and still talk things out anyway -- the cameraderie that we have
*hammering out frustration and turning it into joy or sorrow just by the songs i play on the piano and finding cathartic contentment
*barley fields (probably the most beautiful fields ever)
*fresh spring grass on bare feet
*fresh spring wheat
*racing my dog to the mailbox
*mental photographs
*the familiarity of the flattest farmland anywhere
*earning my blisters and scars
*the feeling once the cattle are IN the trailer (seriously)
*walking around the livestock exchange at auction day
*driving by myself with the radio blaring and the windows down, and singing as loudly and terribly as i can at the top of my lungs
*a beautiful song that makes me feel like i'm alone on the road when i'm in my apartment
*peers who surprise me by caring like friends
*architecture
*tears of happiness
*uncut alfalfa fields
*my great grandpa's shop and its smell
*puzzles with my grandpa aldrich
*sawdust and the smell of cow manure
*rodeos
*the sound of a river
*fairs, with the midway, the kids (so proud of their animals), the STEERS, the calves, getting ready for show, the ducklings . . .
*writing something that still sounds good later (a rarity)
*a friend's passion for the hungry and for heaven on earth and social justice
*just floating next to the boat on the lake
*picking raspberries and feeding them to george, the donkey
*catching wild kittens and "tamin' 'em down"
*opening up the jet ski (the slower one, of course, lol) and catching a wave that totally soaks me
*the startling emergence of carpet when i clean my room
*knowing that someone appreciates me
*conversations where i get to hear my brother's wisdom & share what i hope to be my own
*sisterhood in faith
*BRONNER'S & the bavarian inn a couple days after thanksgiving
*Robert Frost, Maya Angelou, Homer, and William Wordsworth
*long lists that no one else will probably read ;)
*mercy & grace, compassion
*tent camping, or even better, sleeping out under the stars
*my extra family (i still need to go buy an MSU football)
*the cut river overpass
*freshly mowed grass
*that dirt layer that gets on the bottom of my jeans after just an hour outside at SpringHill
*The Hill & The Hill Beyond The Hill
*the taste of the first snow and the silence that accompanies a snowstorm out in the country
*that green color of spring that disappears for the rest of the year
*SpringHill lovin'
*the smell of mud and new grass and partially decayed leaves in the spring
*seeing an old friend's face again
*hearing a band that sounds like an old friend
*the smell of sweat and mud and grass stains after a football game
*Christmas lights
*stars at SpringHill (they're just so clear up there)
*helping someone that needs it
*sharing in suffering
*saying ridiculous and random things
*the sound at the coco craft barn bridge
*sticking my legs into a natural spring all the way up to my knees
*"secret" bridges
*wood cabins
*no electricity
*bootle feeding a calf
*bedding down pens with calves in them! haha
*the fact that my cousin TJ talks just like our dads
*praying to God as the wind whisks tree leaves around and around
*that great, familiar, musty smell of our cabin when we first get there
*great conversations about theology over the phone at 1 am
*ice cream & fried cauliflower w/ the "kintuck" friends
*walking the streets of ann arbor and "awkward teepee" in the middle of the sidewalk
*man fires
*belaying huge old men lol
*trying Greek food for the first time and getting sick (who knew that the lamb came with the ribs still sticking out of it? not me!)
*popsicles in the summer
*big goofy grins from friends when something is funny
*friends who laugh at my sad attempts to be funny
*that great feeling of getting the most out of your muscles when you run on legs that are really tight but never actually cramp up (amazing)
*encouraging & being encouraged
*runner's euphoria (terrifying the first time)
*running outside during a tornado warning
*playing with hair & having mine played with
*teaching 4-year-olds how to play football (make that attempting)
*"green tea to help you sleep" and staying up all night in a camper beside the walnut tree
*sleeping outside all night in sleeping bags & keeping the fire going on our own in 4th grade . . . we were so proud
*kids with special needs
*older people
*Dove dark chocolate
*cooking for loved ones
*a friend who sticks up for you when you least expect it
*four leaf clovers and my sisters that go along with them
*trees and moss
*hobo dinners & hobo pies (different things)
*my plastic tractor, my bamboo bowl, and letters from cherished friends -- not the momentos, but the love behind them
*falling asleep to the sound of a heartbeat
*taking care of people
*the sound of people's breathing as they fall asleep ;)
*"wrist zapper things"
*unconditional acceptance
*hugs from loved ones
*blatant honesty that springs from intimacy
*the essence of fall and the way it captures the memory of a bygone friend
*cider, donuts, crunchy leaves, ridiculous squirrels, hayrides, bonfires, and sweatshirts and blankets at games in the fall
*forgiveness
*great-grandmothers-in-law ;)
*grandfatherly friends :D
*"DID I MISS 60B? DID I MISS 60B?!!!!!"
*http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/You%27ve_Got_Mail
*"Whudjyou DO?!!!"

i could go on and on . . .

Let's put it this way -- I wouldn't read it.

     Stephanie and Melissa hurried into the little shop out of the rain, shaking the drops off their umbrellas as they stood inside the doorway. Outside, cars sprayed through puddles as shoppers ran to their destinations. The American students watched a woman in a red overcoat try to hail a taxi with her arms full of packages and an umbrella in one hand, but the cab sped on by in spite of her clumsy efforts.
     The warm glow of the lamps, the homey fireplace, and the enticing smell of coffee and cinnamon scones welcomed the girls, drawing them in from the cold toward the back of the shop. They walked up to the counter and stood in the queue to order. In spite of the cold that was inherent in St. Andrews rainstorms, several customers crowded toward the counter. One man in a grey trench coat glared sullenly at the ground, fervently running his hand through his long, brown hair. Stephanie stared at the drops as they fell into a pool at either side of the man’s feet.
     “How much editing do you still have to do?” asked Melissa. Stephanie looked up.
     “I have about five pages left. This class has so much more work for it than my English classes back in Terre Haute do,” she replied, “but I guess I kind of expected that when I decided to study here.”
     “I know what you mean,” said Melissa in a crisp Connecticut accent. “I have so many more papers to write here for my history classes compared to back home.”
     “It’s hard sometimes to adjust to everything here,” Stephanie confided to her friend. “It’s not just the coursework, either. It’s everything; even the weather. I mean, look at us. We’re soaked.” Her voice grew in intensity as her curly, red ponytail bounced emphatically. “My pants are so wet right now!” She practically yelled the last part.
     All around the room, the voices lulled, and dozens of eyes trained on the girls. Standing ahead of them, a teenage boy with a pierced lip snickered, leaning in toward the girl whose hand he was holding and mumbled something to her. Melissa’s face turned a purple hue. She quickly shushed Stephanie with a loud, overdramatic whisper: “Do you know what that means here?!!!!”
     Stephanie sheepishly bowed her head as she hunched her shoulders. “What does that mean? What did you just let me say?!” she retorted angrily. All around them, people continued to watch them, idly conversing.
     Melissa, who had arrived earlier and spent more time in the Scottish pubs than studying, replied with irritation, “‘Pants’ means ‘underwear’ here! They call ‘pants’ as we know them ‘trousers.’”
     Now it was Stephanie’s turn to be embarrassed. “I had no idea!” Without thinking, she quickly looked around and yelled, “I meant trousers! I’m sorry; I’m from America!”
     A crescendo of chuckles went around the room. A woman sitting at a table near the window took a sip of tea as she smiled at Stephanie. “I’ve been there,” the woman commented to the man sitting across from her, who nodded his head. The other coffee and tea aficionados resumed their conversations.
     Outside, the rain still poured. Stephanie gazed out at the dreary sky, as she muttered, more to herself than anyone else, “I’ll bet it’s sunny right now in Indiana.”

Chocolate and coffee . . .

I think I could use a good cry right now, if I had the time to recover and get back to homework, instead of having to rush back to work and plan stupid rush stuff. Yes, I'm very bitter right now. 

Losing it again rant . . .

I hate Agathos and rush week. It's becoming a colossal waste of my time.

It bugs me when I try to be responsible and call in to make sure I can get work off, and then I have to bring my cold groceries in to work because one of my co-workers decided not to show up or have the integrity to call.

Carryover

That conversation last night made some really great echoes today.

I didn't feel comfortable answering every question at the full level of thought and analysis that I put into formulating, or at least exploring an answer. I don't know if I can and should wisely go that deep with someone after so short a time. I tried to be as open as I felt comfortable to be; plus, I didn't want to answer the most intimate questions before I first had time to reflect on them.

After four years of friendship with my living journal, we had some stuff that (I think) we finally talked about and dealt with tonight on the way back from Greenwood. I've been thinking a lot, too, about why I am so darned self-conscious. And it's a complicated answer. Instead of typing it all up here, I think I'll try to not be an emotional flasher. Sound good? Ask me in person, and I'll probably go into more detail. The basic moral of the story is that I was a mess in middle school and got rejected completely on a regular basis, and I don't really trust that I'm ever good enough. Sappy enough for you? Bleeding heart on a sleeve . . . sheesh. Anyway, I'm such a people pleaser (and a "performer" -- that's for you, Jael) that I'm always afraid I'll slip up once, and even my closest friends will want nothing more to do with me. It's like walking a tightrope for each person in my life, and trying to jump from one to the next and so on.

And that's about all. Gotta hit the hay, 'cause I got church tomorrow. :) (Today.)

Friday.....

     I really don't appreciate people enough. Someone asked me tonight why I feel so bad about talking so much, and I think it's that I don't really get the chance to be a good listener when I'm always running my mouth (and sometimes just running my mouth off). I like to listen; I just like the interaction of talking and listening, of listening and responding. I just sometimes get so lost in the little stories I have for EVERYTHING that I don't get back to listening. It seems very self-centered to me, and I don't like it. Plus, I'm usually genuinely interested, and I think being genuinely interested in other people (without being nosy) is always a good thing to embrace. 

     I also realized something else tonight. While telling a story, I said something negative about someone I really care a lot about. I don't know if that's based on this dumb idea I have in my head about how truly knowing and loving someone requires a thorough, equal acquaintance with both their best qualities and their faults, but I'm starting to think that's just crap. But then again, I don't know if I believe that, either. I just don't like the idea of something negative rolling off my tongue so lightly, so effortlessly. Maybe it's time to start making an effort not only to hold those things in, but to ignore them completely. This is something I always come back to. Anyway. 

     Well, I'm going to sleep now. Hot showers are amazing; now hopefully I'll fall asleep quickly. 

Hmm.

     Have you ever noticed how many people came to be believers because people directly disobeyed Jesus about not telling anyone after he performed some sort of miracle for them? I wonder if things would have turned out differently if they had kept quiet. Random thought. 

Favorite Lines . . .

     These would have to be my favorite lines from my favorite poem. I wrote them down because we were studying the poem today in British Lit. 

     In hours of weariness, sensations sweet, 

     Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart; 

     And passing even into my purer mind, 

     With tranquil restoration: -- feelings too 

     Of unremembered pleasure . . . 

     How can anyone not love that? 

Thoughts from Chapel

     Am I a nerd if I say that I really enjoy chapel this year? I mean, granted, I would rather be sleeping before I get there, but I think that's just a part of life. :) So here are some things that struck me from Dr. Lyle's chapel talk today. 

     "What's the opposite of doing your own thing? Following and submitting to someone else." Why is it that, in following the crowd, submission is rarely mentioned or minded? If we can submit so easily to people, at times not even realizing it, then shouldn't we do the same to God just as easily? But if this is harder, then I guess we're following others less than we realize and ourselves more than we take credit for. 

     I'm not good at submission. I don't care for it. I'm fairly independent, incredibly headstrong, and I don't like to allow someone else to superimpose their values and beliefs onto my conduct. This is true of God as much as anyone. I hate the mention of that word in conjunction with obedience. I guess it has a different flavor to it that I don't particularly care for. I guess I don't realize just how much I follow myself and blow off God in what he wants -- even what he wants for me. Something to take better notice of. 

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday!

     I haven't actually seen that movie, so I hope that line didn't excite anyone. I know it from "You've Got Mail." Absolutely the best chick flick of all time. ("I love New York in the fall. It makes me want to go buy bouquets of freshly-sharpened pencils.") It's quirky. But I'm getting away from the point.

     I think I'm going to take a Sabbath on Thursdays. Because half of Sundays are spent in homework, and I need a break from everything in the middle of the week more than at the end/beginning of the week. I don't feel like I can step away from my responsibilities with Agathos tonight, but I might just need this. I'm kind of withering on the vine lately. And that's just not okay. So I may or may not be around tonight; more than likely I'll try to hang out with my brother and get my life back in order at my house (aka God time and cleaning this stinkin' -- not literally -- room!). But for now, I'm just getting ready for chapel and class. :) Adios!

Addendum

Oh, and I blame all of those pre-medders and everybody else who got married this summer for making the rest of us talk relationships now. ;P Haha seriously, marriage is more catching around here than a cold. :) 

Club Dead

     So apparently Ferris Bueller took the night off. I know -- incredibly cheesy. But I was really hoping that some of the many people I had talked to would show up for the movie tonight. It's getting hard to focus on the people who do show up when I realize that we've been in this same boat for the past three years; it's a boat that's got a hole in it. I just don't know how to fix it. 

     In other news, being a girl sucks sometimes. Majorly. 

     I had a nightmare last night involving Cody and Joe. I've kind of been worrying about giving Joe's guys the wrong impression about the two of us since I stopped by one day with a bunch of food and stuck around in his apartment to talk. I know it's corny, but I don't want to put him in an awkward position. Anyway, in this dream, Cody was really mad at me and just let into me, telling me that I was embarrassing myself, that Joe didn't want to hang out, that he thought I liked him romantically, but didn't feel like he could tell me how uncomfortable I was making him feel. And Toad also told me that I had a reputation for doing this sort of thing. I think Joe might have confirmed it in the dream, but I don't remember. I just remember running away, oddly enough in Chicago while on my Social Problems trip that will take place in November. 

     I can say that this is my biggest fear right now. I don't want to use "Jesus" or my faith as a dating tool; if anything, I have received a call to die, not a call to date and marry. I honestly just feel like there are a bunch of people (and lately, they have all been guys, although I've been praying for God to show me WOMEN who need community, too) my age and a little older who are stuck here in Anderson feeling alone and feeling older than they really are. It just seems like, hey, I like giving hospitality, I like cooking for people, hanging out, easing stress if I can. And he, I kind of understand the frustration that comes when nobody seems to want to go deeper, and I know that loans and jobs and deadlines make one an adult, but not old. We can talk about this stuff and understand each other. I figure that 2+2 equals 4, and it's that simple. (That probably only makes sense in my head.) It's the one area of my life in which I feel especially called right now, and it's not limited to men or to women. I don't want this to cause frustration or to tarnish the reputation, however, of my brother or any of these parts of the growing community that seems to have sprung up around me. 

     Granted, I think my faith and my personality should be the tools I use to evaluate everything in my life, but I don't want to let my "faith walk" become a superficial one, forgetting that my faith is the end I'm seeking and not the means to some other end. I want to be, I am a woman of faith, seeking to grow in integrity, compassion, community, and hospitality, among other things. Does this mean stepping back? Finding women who are lonely and ministering to them instead? Am I Lena Lingard? I hope not. 

     And maybe I'm a bit too serious, more than a bit too analytical. I think that anyone who wrote that last part (the list . . . integrity, compassion, yada yada yada) might be taking themselves a bit too seriously. I'm human. I'm going to screw things up (it's a special talent I have, like breaking the chandelier at my hair appointment for my mom's wedding). I'm great at knowing what to do and doing otherwise; I'm great at doing the opposite, too. I just don't know. "Without your love, I'm not a full human being."

     That's all I've got for tonight. Sorry if it's a little disconnected or distracted. I'm really tired. Dang it, and I hate blogs that dwell on dating/marriage. Oh, well. Had to get a few things out. (Blogs: the American dream and the American pastime of non-confrontation. What is wrong with us? And why do I fall into that so easily?) 

Beauty in the Breakdown

     My friends and fellow Agathos members are great. :) We got our rush packet in barely on time, but we still made it. And we didn't make big signs, but we hung our fliers almost all over campus with Scotch tape -- before I got the email that all posters put up with any tape other than masking tape will be taken down. You just have to laugh at that. 

     My other friends are pretty stellar, too. I realize now more than ever, though, that most of my friends my age, the ones that I'm closest to or invite over the most, are guys. Which seems pretty unhealthy to me. It's not that I don't really like having friends who are girls; is there some statistic that tells how many girls versus guys come back for a fifth year, etc.? I really don't meet too many girls my age around campus. And I guess I haven't been investing in the ones I do know. Is it possible that I'm a female misogynist? I've been told that before, but I thought I was really outgrowing it. I don't want to become this woman who ministers to men only, basically giving away or stealing intimacy through those interactions. I can't really convey this into words very well. Basically, I don't want to be emotionally promiscuous with men. And I don't want my friendships to ever be forced into anything else. I need more women in my life. That's my conclusion. *shrug* 

     Rush is going well enough, I guess. No one showed up tonight, but I kind of didn't expect them to. I think our biggest two nights will be the Wii-for-All (I love Debbie's name for that -- it still makes me laugh at the corniness) and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." This is easy to expect since we're giving away free food those nights. But it should be a good time. I'd rather just host people from campus than have some boring interest meeting anyway. But then I like some bang for my buck when it comes to my time lately. (I just realized for the first time that that phrase most likely had a shady start. Yikes.) I talked to a few guys from Boosters, and it seems that their vision is very close to ours this year; we'll probably collaborate on at least one project, I hope. I talked to another girl, Jennifer, who is thinking about rushing in general, so I told her about our club and told her to come back tomorrow and talk to Camarada, L'ami, and Alacritas (Ala-WHO?!!). I was really thinking that we could get a big rush class this year, but we've guessed that 10 will be a high number. Even if we have 10 rushees, and half of them are guys, that will be sufficient to create a little AU sub-community. That's my goal for rush. 

     I woke up late this morning and had to rush off to class on Beth Ann's bike (she's given me permission to use it). I didn't think about it on the way to class, but on the way back from dinner, I kept replaying the music from "The Wizard of Oz" in my head -- the scene where the neighbor rides her bike with the basket on it over to Aunt Em's house. I got back from the interest meeting that no one showed up to and crashed for what was supposed to be a half hour after that. It turned into 2.5 hours. I feel physically exhausted lately, although I don't know why. It's probably the fact that I had to deal with two Bears fans in my living room this past weekend. :D But seriously. I'm off to bed, because I'm still tired. Sheesh. 

     I need to start going to sleep earlier, because I haven't done morning devos in a couple weeks, I think. Booo. 

Thoughts from Shabbat

I just learned that Shabbat is not spelled s-h-i-b-a-t.

God has sent me what I've been praying for. :) You can ask me in person what that is and how if you want. 

I'm trying to become as transparent as I can, within reasonable limits (aka not becoming excessively vulnerable to members of the opposite sex). So if you actually read this thing, feel free to ask me whatever you want. Any question. I'll try to be as honest and open as possible. 

I'm so grateful for offered help from my fellow Agathos officers, friends who listen to the occasional rant, understanding roommates, and the release that comes in trusting others to actually step in and step up. 

Best game to watch today (as in, most significant game): Chargers/Panthers. 4:15 pm. Also, the Steelers killed the Texans today! (I'm thrilled.) And the Titans are beating the Jags (as expected). 

Jeff Saturday's knee -- what is actually up? This 007 thing is getting old. What did he actually do? 

Colts game on NBC! That means Madden-Michaels!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D 8:15 pm.

Wallowing

     Back to this idea of maintaining. My whiny butt does have a lot to do for Agathos and for classes. But I need to stop acting like I'm the exception around here, because I feel like this is just par for the course for everybody else round here. But I got sidetracked. 

     Before Jael called me back tonight, I was feeling especially . . . used up. I love encouraging people. I love cooking for them. I love talking to them. I love spending time with them. I love being in Christian community. And I love fostering that in whatever way I can. It's just that sometimes -- I can't even say lately, because this just snuck up on me -- I feel like I'm the maintainer of relationships. Sometimes it seems like I'm the one calling over and over again, the one inviting, the one handling things in the club, the one trying to sacrifice cheerfully (and if any of you -- I use that word "you" ironically -- know me, you know that I don't really do the cheerful part of that well). I feel like I'm the one making the phone calls, sending the invitations, giving the encouragement. 

     Some stuff happened tonight that made me feel used, frustrated, and a whole lot of other things. I think part of what hit me so hard as I came back to Anderson was the idea that here in Anderson, the place I now call home, the place where the majority of my friends live or live near -- I have no one that seems to have really taken an interest in my maintenance. There is no network of people pouring back into me like there was at SpringHill. I'm pouring out, but I don't feel filled. 

     Tonight I literally became so frustrated with the ugliness that I felt in and around me that I just wanted to rip the white netting of the gorgeous dress I wore to my mom's wedding -- rip it to shreds with my bare hands. And then I heard God speak to me through the metaphor: whenever I'm angry or depressed, every time I feel attacked or cast aside or abused, I literally want to remove anything beautiful from my sight, because such things sicken me when my view of the world becomes so reviling. And this just makes the bad, worse. God used this to show me that I focus on all the bad, hiding inside it when the world around me seems especially horrible; but it's this despising worldview that makes me so queasy at focusing on God's beauty and perfection -- his grace, mercy, wisdom, love, and patience. To put it more abruptly, I wallow. I don't know what else to say about that, except that I'll try harder. God is the God who maintains me and gives me room for error and for growth because of that. Still light years away from where I wish I was. 

Maintaining

     Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just a temporary feeling. Maybe I really am a hypocrite. I don't know. What I do know is that every once in awhile, I really feel used up. Or maybe just used. I feel like a maintainer, to be more specific. 

     This week has been incredibly stressful for me. I've been trying to almost single-handedly plan Interest Week for Agathos, which doesn't really sound like much at all. Except that we have a big event EVERY FRICKIN' NIGHT this week coming up. And then I just realized that I've looked at the dates wrong, and I only have until the 8th to turn my rush packet in. As in, less than 42 hours from now. With no help whatsoever. 

     Anyway, Interest Week. I've been in contact with Jim Scott from the Wellness Center all week trying to reserve the Natatorium for Monday night - finally settled. I got the date wrong on that one as I was trying to hurriedly draft an email right before I left for class or the library or something important -- I forget what, exactly. 

     And then we need tables. Do we need tables? I don't know. I know that the other members and I have full course loads, so we don't have many hours to our names to even "work" the table. I hadn't planned on getting one, but I'm starting to think we need one, even if we're only there a few hours a day. Except that I can't find the slip of paper with the budget number to order the tables (which I tried to reserve without it -- impossible). So even if I can get a table for us for this week, there is a possibility that we won't have one for Monday, and an even bigger possibility that no one else from club will show up to sit at it and recruit. 

     We're having a movie night. I spent hours researching which classic drama and comedy movies (thank God there are lots of lists out there) to come up with a "short" list (almost a page long) that have minimal adult content. Hey, I guess we don't want to offend? I dunno. I sent out like 30 facebook messages with the list, and I've been compiling votes. We're having a Wii night. I still have to make sure I can reserve a Wii -- haven't had time to check yet, and I don't even have a checkbook to pay for the damn thing. Yes, all bets are off on the language tonight, kids. We're having a slip 'n slide. Buckets, soap, tarp. No checkbook. Great. We need fliers. Need to finalize reservations first. Need to design fliers, send to Printing Svcs., put money on print account, etc. Need to hang fliers. Need to notify CAB for chapel announcements. Need Swedish massage. Or 5 minutes sans thought. (I guess that's what this is for.) Need to man rush table. Oh, yeah, and recruit people in spare time. Aw, hell. Bang forehead against brick wall. Buy rush shirts. Plan rush. Write very detailed rush itinerary and turn into CAB by Monday at 5 pm. Crumple grades up into a little ball and flush directly down the toilet. Stop being so damn dramatic. Stop whining/making excuses. Trash the dorms (take their trash out for them) every night after interest meetings. Carry out actual rush. 

     As for Encore stuff -- need to find music director, need to set audition dates, need to create, print, hang fliers; announce in chapels. Need to find band. Need to pay outstanding Encore balance (as in, unpaid). Fill out contracts and put down payments on this year's Encores. Reserve camcorder/buy tape from IMC. Hold auditions. Design alumni flier w/ ea. Encore date, send to alumni office for approval, get printed, pay for postage, mail out. Design fliers for campus. Print; hang. StallTalks, chapel, Andersonian. Plan street fair table in conjunction. Make DVD of album covers. Plan surprise guest(s?) -- it's a surprise. Can't tell who. 

     And then there's the 18 credit hours I'm taking (2 writing intensives?). Catching up reading in Intro to Lit and Social Problems. Compiling outline and finishing exercises (all due last Friday) for Fiction. (Requires observing people around campus.) Relearn subject-verb form and use of articles. ;) And the regular reading/homework for this week's classes. 

     I am so tired. I've actually been making decent use of my time, but this blogging thing was a preventative measure for a breakdown-freakout. 

The voice of the sea

The last part of this makes me think of God. The voice of the sea . . . if God swore, I think his voice would sound like this. If that makes any sense at all. Just watch the video. (Preface: There are no samurai in this film.)

How on earth?

     I don't understand. . . . What I think seems best is not what I see right now, and I'm holding out faith that even though what is best is not always what actually happens, it's been hitting over and over, like waves crashing over a drowning woman. I think you'll come through this time, because you're a God who is IMMENSE, and you love to come through. 

     Then again, how can I presume to know what's best for someone, when you're God?! I have no idea what's in your will in a specific scenario unless you've revealed it to me. What I do know is that you will be faithful regardless of the outcome, and that your love will heal, if it's allowed to. 

     Do we really need to keep repeating these same lessons? Is it possible that something was missed before that must be learned now? 

Who told us we’d be rescued 
What has changed and 
Why should we be saved from nightmares 
Were asking why this happens to us 
Who have died to live, it’s unfair 
This is what it means to be held . . . 

This is what it is to be loved and to know 

That the promise was that when everything fell 
We’d be held 
If hope is born of suffering 
If this is only the beginning 
Can we not wait, for one hour 
Watching for our savior 

     I'm watching. We're all watching for you, Abba.