The thing is . . .

Where the ol' ancestors came from . . . because I'm still awake.

2009-09-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

Tewkesbury, England (E of Wales)

London, England

Essex, England (NE of London)

Norfolk, England (NE of London)

Newcastle Upon Tyne, England (S of Scotland)

Perth, Scotland (W of Dundee)

Durstel, France (W of Bas-Rhine, Alsace, FR & Strasbourg)

Lorraine, FR (NW of Strasbourg)

Moutier, Berne, Switzerland (SW of Basel)

Midlechtern, GE (somewhere around Frankfurt am Main)

Schifferstadt, Ludwigshafen, Rheinland-Pfalz, GE (SW of Frankfurt am Main)

and a whole bunch of unknown Scottish, English, Irish, & German towns, not to mention supposedly some Nederlander background/heritage

Update!!!

2009-08-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

I have a running partner! BAB. :) My roommate. So that's cool. Also, had friend"s" over last night, but one of them (*cough* Adam *cough*) texted me at the last minute to let me know he wasn't going to be able to make it. . . . So it was just me and Daniel. Which was really weird at first, because Adam had done the same thing when we drove to see Harry Potter and the Latest Book Title. It was kind of embarrassing, to be honest, because, though I had nothing to do with it, I felt really uncomfortable with the idea that Daniel might not know that. But the awkwardness subsided, and we had food and talked. It was nice to interact with another human being for once, besides Army training and the occasional short chat in the kitchen with Beth Ann. Those are nice, too; this was just for an extended period of time. It was enjoyable.

I need to start boxing my crap up and getting ready to take it home. I need to apply for subbing jobs. I'm also thinking about applying as a hospice and animal shelter/ASPCA volunteer, since I'll have so little time on my hands for the whole. month. of September. I can only watch classic movies for so long. (Okay, that's been a lie so far.) I need to finish this power of attorney thing for Cody and get all the final paperwork around for the Army. Short list, though.

Early Christmas List

2009-08-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm doing this in late August. Because chances are, November/December will roll around, and my parents and brother will bug me for ideas. And I'll have none, because I will have forgotten. (And hey, this is stuff I can honestly live without haha. I'm not very materialistic; I can never think of anything on the spot.) So, to avoid the strife, while I have a few ideas, I'm recording them, to avoid the usual strife and tension later when I generally make people in my family angry haha. Anyway.

"The Wall" by Pink Floyd.

"Road to XLI" DVD set with Super Bowl XLI and the AFC championship on my golden birthday. (Full games! How awesome!)

Yeah, that's it. Might amend this later, but maybe not.

. . . Scratch that, I bought myself "The Wall" with an iTunes gift card. Thanks, Aunt Nancy! :)

Ponder-O-some

2009-08-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

Random musings before bed.

1. I haven't had much of an appetite lately, and now some of my food has expired. So THAT'S why it was on sale! Close to the expiration dates . . . last week. :/ haha okay then.

2. I should have taken more time out of work, etc. for homework. It's a 8,000-yd. sprint from here on out to graduate.

3. I killed my PT test today. As in, it died on the operating table, and I was the toe tag. (If it's not obvious from that, that I mean it in a bad way, well, here's sayin'.) I couldn't even run the whole thing, and I did worse in every event. Good news: I start running again next week. Looking for a partner, if anyone actually reads this AND is interested. (Wait, wait, we did this one in genetics when we were doing probabilities! Slim chance x slim chance = very tiny decimal.) I also beat three guys, apparently. Which is just downright sad, since I wasn't anywhere near my running time.

Total Care

2009-07-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

So I totalled my car on Wednesday. Actually, my dad had taken mine out of commission to fix it and sell it, so it was my brother's car that was totalled. Yeah, don't I feel like such a douche. (That's a yes there.) Anyway, though, everybody's fine. The other guy had been drinking, but the accident was my fault. I misread a traffic light while lost in Noblesville. He apparenly had cuts on his face, and my friend, Kendall, had cuts on her chin and left wrist, armpit, and chest, along with the usual bruises. I was lucky to walk away (or rather, hobble) with a sprained right foot and left ankle and an unhappy-but-fine left knee, along with some burns from the airbag and the usual bruises left by a seatbelt. We were lucky because the other guy hit us far enough toward the front (hard) that kendall was able to get away with just cuts and bruises. Also, I wouldn't have trusted the airbags in my car; my dad was surprised these ones worked because they hadn't been recharged. We had barely any burns, and I went back to work on Friday. I was really lucky not only to not have any broken bones (which could have ended my Army career before it started) or seatbelt harness bruises, but I was blessed in that my feet, and not my arms or wrists, were sprained. That meant I could carry furniture, risers, etc. at work even while gimping. At least I could pick things up. And everybody at work, including my boss, was really considerate and flexible with my slow and tentative gait. I found out that Cody might be able to break even on a new (used) car, and I didn't get a ticket, which saves me from more paperwork and "were-you-really-this-careless" looks in the Army. I was able to pay the wrecker bill on Thursday,and the car was hauled to my house for free (or the cost of a AAA gold membership -- thanks, Dad) on Friday. I wasn't able to see Chuck Howell get married, but I'll get to see the new couple at my going away party in August. Through all of this, God has been faithful, more than I had ever expected or could ever ask for. My pain has been minimal, more like the occasional ache, and my recovery has been short, though I still limp a bit now. Anyway, in case any of you have noticed that hunk of white metal in my driveway, that's the story behind it.

(I didn't spell check, so I apologize for the lack of proofreading.)

"Here I Go Again . . . "

2009-07-11T01:47:00.000-07:00

I know it's almost 5 in the morning, so this has to be quick. (I'm going to the Running Store in the morning with Beth Ann before she leaves for camp.) I'm trying to get back on track. Spiritually, emoionally, mentally (thought life), and even organizationally. This is also Chocolate Week, a week in which normal women generally go insane via feelings of inadequacy or extreme emotion. On top of that, BAB and I were trading stories about our amusing encounters with seemingly great guys last week while she was in Georgia.

All that said, today feels like one of those Singles' Awareness Days, except that it should really be called "Couples' Awareness Day." I just found out that three of my friends, whom I know were engaged, finally tied the knot. (No, I'm not talking about a Mormon wedding.) Two others just had kids, and, aside from my 20-year-old little brother being engaged, another (read: one more) friend of mine is engaged. (I didn't even know she was dating anyone. It's funny how we all lose touch.) Of my two best friends, one is getting married in a couple weeks, and the other is in a semi-serious relationship, just without that term "relationship" to stick onto it. But nonetheless, it is a relationship. I know all these people have high standards and have met wonderful people, so I'm really happy for them. I just feel a little more alone sometimes, though.

It got brought up recently in a conversation that I've rarely dated. As in, twice. Not your long-term relationships, either. I'm sick of flirtatious guys who aren't actually interested and those who just need a body with whom to make out, etc. I'm sick of feeling led on, and I'm sick of getting emotionally involved only to find out that it was just a waste of time. My mom keeps telling me to settle, basically, but I don't think I'm really so old that I have to lower my standards. Heck, if I took my mom's advice, I might settle for someone who wasn't even a Christian, but I've been down that road before and realized how stupid a choice that would be for me. The older I get, I think, the more I know myself and, following that, what kinds of things I can and can't live without.

Anyway. With all the people around me dating off and on and getting hitched, it's a bit scary to think that my life has been one long dry spell (haha). Maybe I won't get the chance to get married without "settling", or maybe any sort of romantic life just won't start any time soon. Maybe I'm just being that uber-emo, sappy, whiny little girl who just needs to mop up my sniveling, bloody heart. I'd agree pretty emphatically with that. Regardless, I have opportunities that I'm wasting here. I'm really considering an opportunity that I came across to get inolved in someone else's life, but who nows what I'll end up doing. This life is just not always cutting it, though. Something's gotta give.

Hey Now, Hey Now, Don't Dream It's Over . . .

2009-07-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have dreams in which we are still the same, close old friends that we used to be. It's nice. I wish it was that way again, but I know it's not meant to be anymore. It's sad, but I've come to accept it. I still wish you the best, but I am walking in my own direction, wishing you well in yours and knowing that we will likely never cross paths again after I leave completely. And at least I have those dreams to warm my hands by on a cold day.

Second announcement: I'm having a going-away party (code name: cookout!) at the Ithaca Park in Ithaca, MI on August 9th. You're all invited. Please come dressed ridiculously. :D Forrealzyo, it's not a big deal, just a chance to eat hot dogs and the like with people with whom I enjoy eating hot dogs (or with whom I expect to enjoy eating hot dogs). (I like using "forrealzyo" and "with whom" in the same sentence.) Please bring only yourself, any significant other (they have to eat, too!), and any children or grandchildren you may have by this time in life (but they have to starve . . . jk).

I apologize if any part of this post has been offensive, moronic, or otherwise irritating. C'est la vie. Also, Josh Christy, I know you won't be able to make it, but please come in spirit. :)

. . . and just like that . . .

2009-06-16T21:21:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how something as simple as a couple of songs, with intention, can change everything. Just hit by this tonight (crept into my thoughts and immediately changed my attitude upon hearing it):

"God is bigger than the air I breathe,
This world we'll leave,
And God will save the day,
And all will say,
'My Glorious'

The world's shakin' with the love of God,
Great and Glorious, let the church bells ring.
And all You ever do is change the old for new.
People, we believe that

God is bigger than the air I breathe,
This world we'll leave,
And God will save the day,
And all will say,
'My Glorious, My Glorious'"

Maybe it's also partly because I just read a book that kind of looks at the transience of life and the sort of stream of time that connects us all, but shoot. My life will end one day, and God will still be bigger. He has bigger things, huge things that I can't imagine that he deals with. My life will be short and transient, so how much less important are these "light and momentary troubles"? (Brit punctuation.) That's not to say that God doesn't care, but these "downs" are temporary and are not the end of the world, mine or anyone else's. I might as well make my attitude a good one to make my blink of an eye a good one.

Also had a thought tonight: I'm so blessed to have a place to live, a job, food, and a car in this economy. There are people who can't afford to pay their rent at all, let alone on time. I'm not starving, and I don't haven't been left destitute by any illness or natural/manmade disaster, either. I didn't even have hail damage! And another thought — it's really unfair to punish the new one for the old one. Cryptic enough? Haha probably easy to figure out. Goodnight. :)

"It's pressed between pages that you'll read if you're so inclined . . . "

2009-06-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

Television numbs us from the reality around us. Or maybe, it not only numbs us from what is, but creates some dramatic what is not that fools us into thinking it might be or become our own reality. I doubt that made any sense.

I've taken time off from watching TV over the last week.

My evenings aren't spent wondering what will happen on next week's episode, whether I've caught or missed the last episode right now.

I'm starting to miss the anesthetic.

My hope was that I would be able to sustain myself and deepen my relationships with other people. Except that, after work, I have no people. I have no money for even the most basic of groceries and household needs, let alone trying to do something for others. All I have is time . . . but what if no one wants or needs that?

I haven't had quality time with anyone since last Tuesday night's hockey game. The feeling I have from being around people at work goes away after an hour or two. Then I realize that I have hours to stretch on and on by myself, like a big factory with its cold, automated, unchangeable schedule. I keep reminding myself that I'll be home again this weekend, but even that will only last me a few days.

I was not created to be this solitary.

I'm becoming more comfortable around myself; it's not that. It's just that, when I'm alone all the time, my life, my thoughts, my everything revolves around me. It's so self-centered. I need to be able to serve. I need to be able to love on others. I need mission (which I am probably using out of context).

Other than studying, I have no higher purpose other than to keep on existing and to "better myself." It's difficult to do that for me, though, and not for someone else or some other reason than just because all the time.

I have no one to walk beside me in real life, in real time, in person. My family has been great, a little concerned for me, lately, but great. I just need proximity. I need conversation. I need a common purpose or a common affection. I feel like I'm in a vague and hazy "solitary confinement" every night now.

My head keeps drifting back to, "Watch some Army wives. Watch some Bones. Watch some [fill in the blank]. It will occupy you and help kill time." But that's nowhere near what I was created for, and it's not worthwhile. People are reaching the end of their lives, and all I'm doing is plotting how to make mine go by faster, more meaninglessly?

My heart keps returning to, "If only you had someone to share your life with, you wouldn't be so lonely." But I can't shovel a heavy mire of loneliness onto one person. That's not right, not healthy, and never successful. (I've noticed myself doing this in the past relationships and almost-relationships I've had, so I know that for certain.) Instead of waiting, praying, and hoping to be lifted out of the miry pits by the one who can support my weight, I'm trying to scrape the crusty layer of "mire" off the top of me and dig my way out, lifting myself out by burying someone else in all that muck.

Smothering only leads to loneliness, anyway. I don't know if I could trust myself not to place heavier expectations on a friendship right now than would be healthy any more than I could depend on myself to avoid the same in any sort of romantic relationship. I need more than relationships, or they would fill that void. I think it comes back to mission. I need to be able to spread myself out, because all of my energies and attentions can be a bit — well, much. I need people. I need different ways to love people. I need to fulfill my purpose in multiple, possibly unrelated ways. I need a little water to my raspberry lemonade, because without it, I will just be too sour for anything or anyone.

And all the while, these easy fixes and numbing agents vie for my thoughts and my focus. Thank God only one is even an option now, or I'd be twice as likely to do something stupid.

"Does He ever get the girl?"

Random memory . . .

2009-06-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

I was looking through a friend's photography portfolio on facebook and saw a 4-H sign in the background of one of her pictures. And before I could stop myself, this little mantra popped into my head from back in the ol' days:

"I pledge my head to clearer thinking,
My heart to greater loyalty,
My hands to larger service,
And my health to better living
For my club, my community, my country, and my world."

Now if only there was the smell of sawdust, manure, and wet steers . . .

Qu'est-ce que c'est ?

2009-06-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

http://ancientwayinapost-modernworld.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-is-my-faith-story.html

Thanks, Josh. Just the fact that you read and cared enough to respond means a lot.

For me, it's been a conglomeration of things. I have met with so many people questioning things and so many propundants of ideas that I don't see in the Bible (or that seem so contradictory to what seems "right"). There have been so many inconsistencies in what I've read and what I've seen and heard. I have read conservative views of passages in the Bible that, if the Bible is to be read literally, would be right! (Example: women in the church passage.)

On the other hand, the church constantly preaches eternal salvation, while Hebrews 6:4-6 states, “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.” Hebrews 10:26 also states, "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God." I believe that much of sin is intentional, because we know, for example, that we shouldn't be gossipping, but do it anyway. Lying is intentional. Lots of things are intentional. So, if it can't be forgiven, and that sin stands in the way of God and me, what's the point in trying to get back to God with an unremovable roadblock between us?

In the past couple years, I confessed some pretty big stuff (hoping for accountability and a "public" confession) to a few people who had three responses: a) a sort of uncomfortable "I don't want to hear this" and a change of subject, followed by a total avoidance of that conversation from then on; b) "I'm glad you can tell me this," followed by no accountability; and c) "That's fine; I've done worse" or "I'm have no right to judge," followed by actual encouragement to continue down the road I've tried to get away from. What I've discovered is that the people who are the least judgmental are often also the least able to help. The most likely to help, however, can't get over their sanctimony to even be approachable or helpful.

I've also been exposed to the whole "Creation vs. Evolution" debate (does it really matter how God did it? sheesh), the issue of the Trinity (an idea molded by man based on interpretations of the Bible, but not shared by all and described as heresy and idolatry by the Jews), the whole faith/works dynamic (Eph. 2:8, the sheep and the goats, James 2:20), etc. For example, if I get married, I have to submit to my husband's will, even when I believe he is wrong, because I have no say? And he doesn't have to submit because he is the man/husband and doesn't have a chromosome in common with a dead woman who gave a piece of forbidden fruit to a dead man? And I know that this has been the traditional (now the most conservative) reading of this text for 2,000 years! I believe that this is unjust, and if this conservative view is not truth, then how do I know the Trinity is? So those guys we trust to have been inspired by the text were actually wrong (or at least misguided) on one part but right on all the other parts? Then why should we trust that they were divinely inspired? When Paul gives his opinions on marriage, we just trust that his opinions were right, because, hey, he was Paul, right? He himself says that he's only going on opinion there, though. Sex outside of marriage — a cultural or philosophical thing? It's not specifically in the Bible. Closest I can get is, "Daughters of Zion, I charge you by the gazelles and the does of the field, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Don't get me wrong, here, I would advocate against premarital sex and messing around for a whole slew of other reasons anyway.)

I have more questions than answers, and all I can get when I try to find answers is opinions. But truth, aletheia, is much higher than a yahoo forum or ask.com entry. I can't settle for opinions. Who knows.

Once Upon a Time?

2009-06-13T00:32:00.000-07:00

It feels like my faith has become a thing of the past. I've spent so much time working on other things, dealing with things on my own, asking questions and getting no answers that I don't really feel connected anymore, even when I'm really trying to reconnect. I feel like I've been "reconstructed," not by professors, not surrounded by other people asking the same questions and searching for the same answers, but by situations and things I've been exposed to, witnessed, heard. I don't know if it's not too late to be reconstructed. My friends anymore are mostly "non-practicers" and atheists or those who seem really into nonconformity for difference's sake. I guess I fall into that "different is good" category a bit, too. I would just like to find truth, but the truth is, that I've made such a muddle out of my life and my faith that I've practically gone back to stale, lifeless, spiritual infancy. I've made those bad choices, all along knowing they were the wrong ones. I've confessed to ears that turned away and eyes that refused to look at me, lips that either went silent or changed the subject. I don't have any of the answers anymore, at least not in community. And I'm not a firm believer in the "individualistic" faith surviving. Without community, we die. I'm dyin' here.

Just holdin' on and hoping that I can get my spiritual cup refilled, even though the cup's a bit tarnished now. I've tried and given up or lost focus or turned around so many times that I don't even trust myself anymore to commit to recommitting.

A Hard Rain's A-Been Fallin' Long Enough

2009-06-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

. . . I think I'm done. Let's call this what it is. It's nothing.

Glimpses at the Center of the Thing

2009-04-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

Talking to Eli today reminded me of something. I am desperate for community. I desire to love deeply and completely, and to be loved in return with the same force and openness, but I guard myself against it at the same time. I form transient attachments. For whatever reason, this is especially true with other women. My group of girls now, I can honestly say, will probably not be my lifelong friends, much as they are great people. I hope that, by realizing this and trying to figure it out, that will change. Anyway.

Most of my closest friendships are with either men or with women I would class as more masculine than feminine. One friend and I came to the mutual understanding the other day that, if we're not "phone friends" with someone, relationships with that person just don't last once the face time fades. Which makes sense, right?

I have known for a while what I'm like in romantic relationships, and it's not good. I'm so desperate to find some way to give myself away, without abandon, to someone, something that I tend to be the follower, the one desperate to hold everything together. It's good on the level of commitment, but not so much on the level of self respect and emotional distance. That's the pattern with vulnerability for me in general. I stave off true vulnerability until I finally make an attempt to be truly open, but all these rare flashes of vulnerability come out instead as powerful jabs laden with expectations. They're more of an attack than a gift, because I already expect to be burned (which makes me try that much harder after each interval of aloofness).

I don't want the personality type that draws one into abusive relationships. I am a self-reliant woman, a proud woman, at least as far as my independence, and I know that I don't need someone else to complete me. It's not really about a relationship, although that seems to be the most obvious area in which I express these behaviors. (I sound like a head shrinker, huh?)

I want to share myself with someone who cares. That's just it. It makes me a people pleaser and sometimes makes me feel much weaker than I should feel about myself, but it's there. I want to love deeply and give so much of myself it hurts (which is just sickeningly emo, let's tell the truth here). But that is not a relationship. That is not about another person. This is about me, unfortunately. And it shouldn't be.

I know that everyone's supposed to have a God-shaped hole, right? Well, isn't becoming a Christian, a walk with God supposed to fill that hole? God is the one I should be loving without abandon. I guess my concept of God is just so ethereal, so abstract, though, that it's hard for me to find fulfillment in loving God. I don't even know what it means to love God.

I had a professor once that was a trained psychologist with years of experience. He told our class, "There are two types of people who engage in relationships for the wrong reasons. Those in the first group think that, by getting someone to love them, they'll find happiness. The other group is made up of those who think that, if they can just find someone to love, they'll be happy. The problem is, neither of these things can make you happy. You have to find happiness inside yourself, not in a relationship. You can't make another person responsible for your happiness."

I don't know what I should be doing right now. I just don't feel that what I'm doing is enough. I feel disconnected from the people around me, and I can't see the needs for those around me, even when I look. I'm living selfishly, and I can't figure out what I should be doing differently. It's so frustrating! My complacency and my attempts to break out of it irk me equally.

My relationship with my Abba has changed. I feel like I'm in the teenager (or twenty-something) stage right now, where I'm just getting past rebellion, but slightly jaded from the process, at least temporarily. I don't believe in the same way I used to believe, not innocently and without complication. We don't talk as often as we used to, and even when I try to really listen, I don't always hear his voice. I know what unabashedly giving myself to God felt like and looked like in the past, but, in this new world, this new person I've become, I don't know where the puzzle pieces fit, exactly. I don't know what it looks like to give myself wholeheartedly. What does that even mean?

I guess I'm more confused than ever. But at least I know that this isn't about other people; it's a God thing. I trust that it will work out, though I'm not good with patience. Maybe this time is about learning that clay sometimes just has to sit still while it's being reshaped.

"And the wisdom to know the difference . . . "

Questions for an Older Man . . .

2009-04-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

I was taking a bath tonight while reading a great book for class (Dreams of Sleep by Josephine Humphreys), and I started imagining questions that I would love to ask some guy, either married or previously married, in maybe his thirties or forties. (No one in particular in mind, just the expectation of an interesting perspective.)

Why do what seems like most married men compartmentalize their lives according to the roles they play — husband, father, employee, lover (to another) . . . ? How does that become so easy? Why does that become so easy? I don't know. I could be completely wrong here, but it seems like the infidelity problem in lots of marriages isn't necessarily the result of some evil, completely ill-intentioned blackguards, but the symptom of husbands (spouses is more of a fair term, but this has only happened with the men in my family) who feel duty-bound to their spouses, but romantically bound to someone else. I'm not trying to condemn, because I think this is just a symptom of something else. But what . . . ?

Did we use to be better people, with more integrity? The easiest answer is yes, but I know plenty of people who believe great things, who do great things, things that are beautiful and good and true. I have also met those older than me who used to be just like these others when they were my age, but somehow — do we just lose it, somehow? Is it even related? Can one be a person of integrity and have an affair? I don't know anymore. The act itself is appalling to me, but I don't know if a person can be defined as good or bad by simply one choice. Can a person have integrity and still make a heart-wrenching mistake (choice)?

How have we fallen into this mindset? Why have we bought into it? Is it really too much to expect another to provide one's life with romance and meaning and significance? It's these questions that give me pause as I think about relationships. It's so much easier to toy with the idea of a relationship than to trust that this is even possible anymore. I believe it's possible for a few to escape this thought pattern, but how should I know if and when I'll ever meet one of those few? If I'll be one of those few? I come from people who threw in the towel, family members who gave in to compartmentalization. Time and time and time and time again, I've seen it happen, whether marriages ended due to infidelity, or other marriages lumbered down a lonely path, with two silent strangers walking side by side and staring into opposite directions for the rest of their life, the stale space in between still void of fulfillment and love.

I don't know if I can trust in this married world I see. The world for people my age, for the happily unmarried, seems to hold much more longevity and satisfaction, if one can learn to face the sun through the periods of loneliness. I crave intimacy, I really do. I don't know if I can convince myself, though, that the flowers on the other side of the fence aren't annuals, and those on my side, perennials.

I know that this sounds entirely pessimistic, but I don't mean for it to be that way. I enjoy my life. I enjoy the freedom to enjoy friendships with men that haven't yet needed to be modified to avoid the impression of impropriety, not that I have improper friendships anyway. (Still, any woman will know what I'm talking about.) I don't have to worry that "hanging out with the guys" will somehow bother a significant other. I have the freedom to explore different job opportunities, travel wherever I want, spend my money without wondering what other purchases I need to make room for in my checkbook. . . . I have free time.

Less than six months ago, I was debating whether or not I should actually join the Peace Corps or whether I should remain in Anderson, instead; I was happy in a relationship with a guy who made it clear that he wouldn't want to move to a long-distance relationship. Now, I'm going to South Carolina in October, then to California for at least a year and a half before I move to some new place. I'm going to learn to speak Arabic! I'm so happy for my brother and his girlfriend, who, I would assume, will get married in the next two or three years, but I don't think I'm ready to give this up yet. And I can't exactly say I'm very good at picking up new relationships anyway; I don't even really have a "type," since my type is based largely on my (most likely inaccurate) perceptions of which guys have the potential for the kind of marriage I want someday. I don't want to spend my time with someone who views marriage more flippantly, just to accidentally slide into a life together because we've created a history.

I don't know. I think too much.

In Bad Need of a Shower . . .

2009-04-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

It's 6:36 am, and I still have to finish up a paper, print a bunch of stuff off, shower, finish my questions for my 9 am presentation and email/print them off to my group, check and see if my brother's friend has been able to stick a phone number on our video (or if the dern thing's just fine the way it is), study for a test at 10 am, and gas up my car to take my friend to the airport between classes today. And then I have class at 1 and work from 2-4. Esta noche, ¡dormiré!

Aside from all that toxic whining, I really just wanted to say that I'm currently in love with The Strokes, The Shins, and Arctic Monkeys, and Blink-182 is keeping my mood elevated. I'm slimy and need a shower. My face feels like Haven pizza (which is never a good sign, as far as I'm concerned).

Weird aside. I got two calls from the Army today, one from my PT sergeant and another from the AKO peeps, who just left me this vague message to call them back, at such-and-such extension. Huh. The other call was about getting ahold of somebody who might be thinking about joining up and has some questions, so that one's not really any big. I'm not really biased; I went into this with my eyes wide open. I can say that everybody's been pretty forthright when I asked the right questions. Anyway. They weren't anywhere near as bad as I'd heard "those daggone recruiters" were. Pretty great people, actually. Anyway. Good night, or good early morning. :)

Oh, and Radiohead. I'm also in love with Radiohead. Especially the acoustic version of "Creep." Loooooooove itttt!!!!!!!

And The Ravens, They Are A-Cawin'

2009-03-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Anderson University is in the Chicago Tribune again, and no, it's not for our dance policy. A group of current students ages 21 and over decided to protest AU's alcohol policy yesterday during its 10 am chapel by marching down to a local bar, Kroakerheads, and having a very public drink, with local media and campus security there to observe. This march was prefaced the night before when members of the group scattered two garbage bags full of empty alcohol bottles across campus, which were cleaned up by campus police that same night. Harried school officials, blindsided by the swarm of local media attention, are currently holding talks with the student body about the alcohol policy, while condemning yesterday's demonstration. Through all of this, I can't help but think, do any of these students know how big an issue they're taking on?

Yes, Jesus did say, "John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.' The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and 'sinners.' But wisdom is proved right by all her children" (Luke 7:33-35). In other words, "Quit arguing, you chuckleheads. It's okay to drink (responsibly) and not to drink. To each his own! It's the other stuff that matters." This should not be a big, dualistic debate, although it's already leaning that way. This should not be a case of "us versus them." The actions of these students portrayed a lack of respect and trust for the administration, as well as a display of ill will. The administration should be given a chance to listen to students' concerns and respond to them before we assume the worst.

Second, I doubt that many realize that the administration's hands are tied anyway. Anderson University has a Board of Trustees that have the difficult task of making the big decisions to keep AU fiscally afloat. President Edwards and the Student Life staff are subject to the Board's decisions. They were hired by the university as enforcers; out of all these people only President Edwards is even on the Board. I would imagine that the individuals who met with students tonight are the hands and feet of the Board and not those who create the rules themselves. It is unfair to demonize these individuals or attack them, because they are responsible for executing the rules, but I doubt they could change them without the Board's support.

Third, this is not a Church of God school, but it is. Most of our scholarships come from Church of God members; this means that, while the Church of God no longer has its name on all the signs, in effect, it serves to financially "back" the university. What this means for students is that we are subject to the attitudes of the church and those of its members who choose to donate to endowments and building projects and the like. If this little shenanigan from yesterday upsets one of these individuals, he or she just might decide to end his or her support of the university, essentially leaving one or more of next year's students with more money to come up for school and in this struggling economy to boot. I have heard that the university actually crunched numbers for this and determined that student tuition would rise by seven thousand dollars. I would assume that would merely represent the loss to the budget and not even to scholarships themselves. These actions have consequences not only for those students who chose to demonstrate, but for those who did not.

Fourth, this issue is tied up in the history of the Church of God. As part of the Holiness movement, the Church of God has historically focused on the "you are called to be in the world, but not of the world" verse. The old dance policy was one example of this. The church believed that we were called to something higher, and this should be reflected by in our lives, which should be visibly focused on higher things than the corruption of the world. This included dancing, playing cards, watching movies, wearing make-up, and drinking alcohol. Thus was the Holiness movement was associated with the temperance movement. This unfortunately led to a system where, as many older Church of God members now say, "You were as holy as the number of buttons on your shirt." The Church of God does not officially condemn alcohol use anymore, but this does not negate an unspoken institutional policy still tinged with these attitudes. As such, the best of intentions have essentially demonized certain acts, et cetera, the last surviving form of this being seen in this stance on alcohol.

Fifth, lessening the severity of the alcohol policy opens the door for further abuse. Everyone knows that some AU students still abuse alcohol under the current policy, but those who may be turned off from partying by the strict policy and its harsh penalties might just be those who later go to excesses. If of-age students are allowed to get drunk off campus, they would pose a danger not only to themselves, but to those on the roads if these students choose to drive. If they return to campus, drunk students would inevitably cause disruptions in the dorms and across the main body of campus. This is not what we want, either.

Honestly, I think the administration's hands are tied. It's not a matter of students having no voice; I think it's more a matter of the Board of Trustees' understanding of the full financial effect of such a decision upon individual students, as well as the consideration of the possibilities of increased alcohol abuse by students. The current policy, however, is inadequate. There is no reason why alcohol in and of itself should be condemned, as it inherently is in this policy and the policy for faculty; the only problem with alcohol that is mentioned in the Bible is drunkenness. This is what we should try to control, and this is what the policy should restrict, not the legal and responsible use of alcohol by students and faculty, or the fault of being in the presence of such activity. Since such a change to the policy would still be nigh impossible, and students would still be likely to face further economic hardship, I think the best option at this point is for the policy to remain the same, although I still dislike it.

PFC Rhynard

2009-03-17T20:47:00.001-07:00

I enlisted yesterday; swore in at MEPS (Military Entrance & Processing Station) after the longest day ever on one hour of sleep. Freeway noise and I did not make friends on Sunday night. Anyway, I'm now PFC (Private First Class) Rhynard of the United States Army! :D And I'm kinda excited about it, as you can probably tell. :)

I got the linguist job, although it's still dependent upon one more thing, which should turn out fine. I'm shipping out of Indianapolis to Ft. Jackson in Columbia, SC on October 6 for Basic Combat Training (BCT; 9 weeks, 4 days, please write), and then I start Advanced Individual Training (AIT) in Monterey, CA at the DLI (Defense Language Institute) on February 1, 2010. (The military loves it some abbreviations.) As to what I will do and where I will live in the meantime, I have no clue. Nor do I know when I will find out when the Army will decide what language I will learn and whether I will become a signals intelligence officer or a cryptologic linguist. (I'm hoping for the latter.) It's all up in the air.

All I know is that I just have this little Army bag to hold all my worldly possessions to take to boot camp, and, as a woman, former camp counselor, and generally overprepared overpacker, that is intimidating and disappointing. ;) haha but I guess I can buy the bug spray, foot powder, and everything else I will deem necessary at the post when I get there, and they won't take it away from me. I will miss my dear little iPod, my cell phone, my friends and family (of course!), the internet, and, to a large extent, Colts football (!!!) while I'm at boot camp. Can someone promise to DVR each game? Haha. (But I'm so serious. If any one wants to . . . I'd be forever grateful haha.)

And now, I feel like I'm in limbo. I really want to start running outdoors now, though. Anybody interested in joining? I am pathetically unmotivated when it comes to running alone; I can't stand the lack of companionship and the diversion that companionship provides. Anyway. If anyone feels like running 3-4 miles a day, 4-5 days a week . . . get at me. :)

My bed and Fred the Giraffe beckon. Goodnight, all. :)

Away for Too Long

2009-03-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start memorizing Scripture again. I've decided on these (might as well focus on a theme, to keep things related).

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 5:7-8

"But you, man of God, flee from all this [love of money], and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 6:11

"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." - 1 Peter 2:11

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." - James 2:17. If I ever get a tattoo, I think I might like to get this verse somewhere.

I'd really like to write a little each day, spend time with God in prayer and listening to his words, and maybe even keep up this schedule for studying. I'm really not the Dani/Danielle (depends on who you ask haha) who can stick to the plan, who doesn't set herself up to sabotage her own plans. I know that that girl is a possibility for me, though, and I'd like to make her a part of my reality. I don't even realize how much sabotaging myself can sabotage others in turn, with broken plans, delayed deadlines, cock-eyed efforts, and late or missed appointments. I can honestly say I've gotten much better on these things, but they still rub me like a hair shirt. I want to start looking at discipline and buckling down as the positive things they can be, not the restricting cages they can become if handled improperly.

I have this gift of encouragement, and I don't use it. I'm afraid of maybe going too far with this, like I've done in the past, and casting other things aside as a result of going overboard in this area, honestly, but I think I can compromise and try to leave it at situational encounters for now, make the most of where I'm already at sort of thing. I have a few ideas in mind; we'll see.

Also, I can't stand when people are insincere. I say this in the understanding that I myself am not always sincere, though I can sometimes get away with the semblance of it. I really want to become more transparent (which starts with cleaning up my act, for me) so that I don't really have anything to hide. I guess transparency is hardest for me because I feel like it requires near-perfection and plainness. The blunt truth, though, is that, I'm complex, no matter how simple I'd like to be, and I'm a bit of a mess at times. I need to check myself every once in awhile when I confuse transparency with modeling (Bandura-style, not catwalk-style). It doesn't matter what I've been taught I need to become to be a "good Christian." If that's a Barbie box I can't fit into, then maybe there's a different box made just for me. I think that's real Christianity.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, or if it's just here for my own cathartic benefit, but if you see me, please, call me out on any of this. Haha make me tell you one of these verses, or ask me if I've been sticking to my schedule or if I've been messing around and wasting time. Ask me if I've been late for anything. Heck, ask me anything — and I'm serious. I want to become transparent. Can't walk the walk without it.

The Holiday time

2009-03-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

I guess it's just something that creeps up on me every once in awhile, but I get into this overly sentimental, girly-girl mood (adult terminology escapes me at 3:15 am). It probably has something to do with hormones or something, a bit to do with the fact that I went dancing last night (which is why I slept in so late today and thus am still awake now), and something to do with the fact that I've been so busy lately that I've been cut off from everyone. As the fog of my community warms off, so does my tough self-reliance.

Tonight, I had the urge to watch a chick flick. The Holiday, in fact. And I can't help but identify with the characters. Although I've never been in that intense, "unrequited love" situation or experienced that cheating boyfriend scenario (well, mostly), I've been the awkward, quirky one, the complicated mess and the verbal vomiter.

I've gotta say, though, that my favorite character is Arthur. But I digress.

It would be really nice to find someone whose awkwardness I love and who loves mine in return. As in, someone of the opposite gender. Eventually. I'd just rather know now that it will happen later, because, in spite of high hopes, I can be a real cynic.

I want to be as compassionate as Iris, as wise as Arthur, as happily quirky as Miles, as optimistic (and as great an encourager of my kids' imaginations and as fun a parent, someday) as Graham, and as unabashed as Amanda. So many great characters. Now this is entirely too literary of me, but most "round" or non-stereotypical characters are negative characters, or somehow obviously unlikeable in some area of their personalities. These are all likeable and sympathetic characters, and you just can't really dislike them for their faults. I like that optimistic look at people as a whole -- that, somehow, our "pros" and our "cons" add up to something better than our "pros" alone, at least for someone. I want to find that. I want to embody that. And in the meantime, I want to think that's possible and make it possible.

Military Update short

2009-02-27T17:50:00.000-08:00

Because I want a specific job, I would have to go to boot camp at a specific time. Basically, I would have to go to specialized training the week after boot camp was over, so my recruiter (one of them) has been trying to figure out which dates I could start boot camp on to take this position. It's all based on when they run a new batch into the DLI (Defense Language Institute). I'm really excited, because my mom has been hounding me about taking a bunch of time off after I finish up my classes in August.

On the school front, I think I've finally figured out what my second upper-division writing intensive will be for this summer. I talked to Dr. Shrock today about the possibility of taking Middle East as an independent study this summer, and I just emailed him about it. I'm hoping to get that ball rolling next week. I miss history classes, which I had forsworn never to take again (if I could help it) in high school. Apparently, though, my high school's history department was just crap, because my history class here with Dirck was one of my favorite classes here at AU. Going off of that, I've been chastised by other students for never taking a class with either Shrock or Murphy. I'm looking into a possible summer job as well (really, two jobs). Who knows what will come of it? Not I, said the sparrow.

Lastly, I will sell my body fluids for money tomorrow. I'm donating plasma for the first time. :) I'm finally going to face this fear of needles inflicting pain (I don't mind needles, as long as they don't hurt; in fact, I like to watch when I get immunizations or TB tests). Might as well man up for once. And making money doesn't sound all that bad right now, as I am still essentially unemployed. Thank God my dad covered another month's rent, although I loathe being so dependent in tough situations.

And my brother's rugby team is traveling to Wabash tomorrow to stomp some bootay (hopefully) at a scrimmage! I'll try to come if I'm done at the blood bank by the time they need to leave. With this weather, a good bout of goosebumps and shivers will be had by all.

Oh, yeah! And my roommate, Debbie, is leaving tomorrow morning for the great state of Washington. She'll be staying with a great lumberjack-professor of a man, Sean Sullivan, and I plan to live vicariously through her and visit my friend Sully in spirit. :) (Almost takes on a haunting connotation, which I'd prefer to avoid.) Seriously, though, it'll be weird to not have her around here for a whole week. I would be jealous of the fact that she gets to go see Sean in his element, except that seeing Sean is just great for anybody; I'm happy for her good fortune. :) She's planning to move out there this summer, another fact which might make me jealous, due to the sad lack of travel in my limited experiences, except that, heck, I'm going into the military and will go to one of the following for boot camp:

Ft. Benning - Ft. Benning, GA
Ft. Jackson - Colombia, SC
Ft. Knox - Louisville, KE
Ft. Leonard Wood - Waynesville, MO
Ft. McClellan - Anniston, AL
Ft. Sill - Lawton, OK

The DLI is in Monterey, CA, and then there's a Voice Interceptor training at Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, TX. Plus, I'd get a permanent duty station later, who knows where. So yep. Well, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. :)

Weird Gibbs dream.

2009-02-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

I accidentally fell asleep prematurely around 6:30 or 7 tonight, and I just woke up at 8 because GroupWise dinged in that I had a new email. Anyway, I woke up from a weird dream.

I was working a homicide with NCIS, and I was the senior officer with a bunch of probationary officers that were training. Maya and Annie were there, and so was McGee, who was my brother. He was mad at me, and I was mad at him, for some reason. I was driving this car with Gibbs in the front and Annie and McGee in the back; I think Maya had ridden in the back as well at one point and left me her purse in the back seat, again, for some odd reason. Anyway, Gibbs went and questioned this woman, a suspect, who told us something about her sister being in this military hospital and in danger. Gibbs and, I believe, Maya stayed with the woman to check her alibi, etc. before going to the hospital. I drove us to the hospital while trying to patch things up with McGee, my brother, by telling him that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was really proud of him (I guess he had thought he had screwed something up, and I was trying to make show off and make him look worse?).

We got to the hospital, and I got separated from everybody else when I stayed back to help the newbies stay back and unload the gear from the van. Annie and McGee and whichever newby who was in the front passenger seat all went up to meet Gibbs. I got left with this Proby, and we got stuck in the lobby because I couldn't remember the room number. This kid, a guy who reminded me of Jordan from the Learning Center, apparently had Gibbs' number, but decided to call two other people instead. I felt guilty because I couldn't remember the special reason that Maya had left me her purse -- I knew she had left me something important in there. The kid told me that I should know the room number from the sister's interview, which I wasn't at, but I was frustrated that the information must be in Maya's purse, which I had left in the car (and no longer knew how to get to).

In the meantime, the kid tried the sister's house, then NCIS headquarters instead of Gibbs, Ziva, or Abby (the last two were also there now, apparently?). The nurse either couldn't remember the room number Gibbs had asked for, or couldn't give it to me for security/privacy reasons, and I was so frustrated with the Proby that I just decided to walk up each corridor and see if I saw one of our agents out in the hallway. I took off on my own, feeling only slightly guilty at leaving the kid, since he had the information anyway and would find it out in his turtle-slow own time.

I caught Gibbs in the hallway of the lobby, and we took the elevator down to the basement together as I vented my frustrations about this new Proby. He just smiled at me and told me to give the guy a chance and be patient. Then we met up with all the Probies (except the one I had left) in the basement (Ziva, Annie, Maya, and possibly McGee being upstairs with the patient), unloading another van in an evidence garage of some sorts. (I just remembered that the car I had been driving was the one I couldn't remember the location of. Crazy dream.) Tony was there, and Gibbs said something to him that frustrated and kind of embarrassed him — he'd screwed up somehow.

I followed Tony into the stairwell to talk to him and see if he was okay, and there was a tractor inside. It turned out that this basement had two garage entrances, and that was how these vehicles got in here. The stairwell was not a typical stairwell, in a room by itself, but was just off to the side of this mechanics garage (the other was an evidence garage). Just like with McGee, I tried to tell Tony that I was proud of him, but I tried to give Tony a hug (much safer when standing next to the person, instead of trying to drive and hug someone in the back seat). He flinched and moved away, and I sat down on the tire, reminiscing about my dad's old tractor, the 4020. I was saying that I couldn't remember if it was the big tractor or the little tractor, when a mechanic came in and said they needed to park another vehicle in there. I got the heeby jeebies about this guy, but we walked outside.

Suddenly, we were standing next to the driveway at my family's old farm, now in the daytime. (It had always been night-time before.) I don't remember if it was Tony, McGee, or my real-life brother now who stood next to me (whomever it was was definitely a brother of mine, though, in this section of the dream, and I really wanted to impress him) but we noticed that there were paramedics at the blue house across the street (our old family friends' old place, which was and is currently lived in by strangers). Then some country kid pulled into our driveway in a beat-up, old car and got out. This weird-looking, freaked-out, little kiwi bird ran toward me, and basically ran right at my boot. I kind of freaked out a little bit and kicked the poor, little thing -- sent it flying into the air, where it landed and started hobbling around. The kid driving the car said that I should kill it, but I didn't want to. I was kind of horrified that I had been able to hurt the poor, little thing in the first place, but then the kid showed me that I had somehow kicked one of its legs off when I freaked out. (The "boys" didn't care so much, being redneck country boys, but I felt bad and didn't want to fit in with those boyhood instincts to kill small animals. I could never shoot birds or squirrels with my brother, either.) I knew that the bird couldn't last for long and would probably die a long and painful death, so I asked the kid to kill it, but do it quickly and inflict the least amount of pain to the bird. He did.

Suddenly, my dad was there, and the kid and car were gone. My dad asked if we could take his team of (white) horses and his buggy down the road to check out the beautiful spring wildflowers that had popped up by the roadside, and I said that we could walk that far, but yes, the ride sounded nice. Then I woke up.

It's weird how much detail I remember. Enough to Freudian analyze me, probably (haha). All the NCIS stuff is easily explainable, since I was watching old episodes online before I fell asleep. Anyway. Just wanted to record my first and only NCIS dream for posterity's sake. Maybe I'll try to see if it has any significance later, but for now, I'm just satisfied that I had it. :)

. . . Drum Roll Please . . .

2009-02-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

. . . I got a 99 on my ASVAB!!!! It's kind of like a perfect score, except that they don't count the areas that dominated me, such as the auto and mechanical sections. Gotta make the ol' man proud somehow (my dad was a master mechanic at one time, and I have ridiculously limited knowledge of anything car-related). I prayed and prayed and even got those pre-sports-competition jitters a few times throughout the day (week?). All I can say is, I shouldn't have done that well, so that's a God thing. That, and my soft major finally paid off somewhere! So yay. Since I got back around 8 and hadn't eaten all day, I capped off the night with a celebratory dinner at Hacienda with Maya and Annie. It was the first time I've been out to eat in . . . I can't honestly remember how long. I think . . . nope. I can't remember. (But yes, I put my most meandering thoughts on here.) We had some of the funniest, most awkward, awesomely girly conversations ever. Our waiter kept walking in at all the wrong moments (haha!), which made for some suppressed giggles and secret looks to try to see if he had heard anything of our conversation.

Highlight. "Eau de toilette. Did I say that right?"
"Technically, there's an l-apostrophe."
"So it's l'eau de toilette? So it means 'the eau of toilette.' What does eau mean, anyway?"
"Water."
"And toilette means . . . ?"
"TOILET!" - Annie
"Oh, I love this 60-dollar water of toilet! I like to dab a little bit of toilet water on my neck every day!" - bad fake something accent
Maya almost peeing her pants in my back seat.
So gloriously much funnier in my car last night. We were pretty slaphappy by this point.

In other news, I have decided that senioritis seems to be moving in with the weather, and it's affecting everyone differently. Some people, as my dear friend, Tyler Hazel, points out, just start to sever ties and isolate themselves. One of my friends has commented that she doesn't believe there's a point to making new friends or developing acquaintanceships (is that a word?) into friendships this late in the game. Others seem to be preparing for the shock of someone else's impending departures.

I can't quite commit, I guess. I feel the separation and isolation of being a fifth year (and an "old maid" who is happily unattached -- I mean that old maid bit entirely satirically, by the way, and with plenty of mirth), and I do have some people that I really wish I had time to develop friendships with before I graduate. There are some really interesting people that I've met this year, and it will be a shame to leave those stones unturned, but I would rather invest in what I have than what I could have. Maybe that's unwise; I don't really know.

On the flip side, I have developed some new or previously hazy friendships. Thank God all the boys graduated, so I can finally be one of the GIRLS!!!! (I'm fairly serious.) I miss the guys that I used to hang out with, but things change; people change. My best friend is engaged to a girl who, by all standards, seems to be a really great catch. Our friendship has to change, and that's already started happening. It's a fact of priorities, I guess. His priorities have to change. It's toughest when priorities don't mutually change directions (seems like a counterintuitive phrase, but it's not). When priorities don't always branch off in separate directions at the same trajectories and from the same point, well . . . it's just not fun. I don't know what the trick is. I could lie and say that I guess it's all in relishing what's left and letting go of what's not as easy, but, well, I don't know if that's really the truth.

My cousin had his 23rd birthday yesterday in Jamaica, with his new wife of four days, five now. Just had to interject that. I would have been seriously jealous if not for this absolutely April-or-Mayish weather in late February. Absolutely beautiful. And I use a lot of adverbs. But I digress. (Geek.)

I'm having a hard time trying to get my butt back in the gym and making time for devos sometime during the day. I'll be honest, it's come down to a negation of both. And it sucks. And I've also realized that, when my faith in God has sometimes waned over the past year, my belief and my faith in Christ hasn't. It seems odd to me. I guess it's because it's something a) verified by history, but more importantly, b) something I just know deep down, from my head, my heart, my gut, to the nerve endings in my toes. It seems impossible that I should doubt the presence of the hand that made me and made my savior. I guess I just doubt the omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence of that hand -- that, and the grace. Grace is something that I experience through the Son, but it seems that the Father is the creator and ultimate judge, not the giver of grace and mercy. I think I read too much of the Old Testament God and think of the New Testament as Jesus' territory, not his Father's. Hmm. Just puttin' it out there.

Oh, yeah, and if I want to become a linguist, which I do -- I'd love to learn Arabic -- my job title would be Electronic Warfare/Signal Intelligence Analyst, category 35W. I'm getting more than a little stoked here, folks. I would be a cryptologic linguist, except that I would receive the training through the Army instead of coming with previous knowledge. I can't wait to take the qualifying test and just get this show on the road!

But it's crazy-fool late, and I need sleep. I've been ready for bed since 9, but thought that, for once, I should actually update this thing well. So goodnight, adieu, and flocks of angels sing thee to thy rest! (or something like that)

Highlights of the day . . .

2009-02-24T20:34:00.000-08:00

. . . Having breakfast with an old friend early this morning.
. . . Receiving flowers for the first time ever! (Okay, unless you count the ones I got at the end of my 8th grade basketball season, because, although my parents thought it was a waste of money, they were forced to buy them when the parents of all the other girls on the team ordered them. I've lived such a rough life, lol. *Insert self-mockery here*)
. . . Getting to chapel in roughly 7 minutes, while texting back and forth with Maya.
. . . Seeing Scott Martin again and hearing his perspective on race relations, his job transition, and his new organization!
. . . Getting laughed at for apparently digging into a book too deeply for one of Borders' quizzes in a little vocal review session with some other English majors before class. If that sentence even makes sense. (<--poor grammar) Anyway, it's not every day that I can say I've looked too far into a book for a Borders quiz!
. . . Playing a half a game of Life (first board game in how long?) with some of my girls in Mocha's. We were not all thrilled to get married and have babies, and Maya and I had to be boys, since most of the little people were missing. And we basically just guessed at the rules/money, since there weren't any directions haha.
. . . Bubble bath. It's been so longgggggg.
. . . Knowing my ASVAB is tomorrow. I'm still nervous, though. For a mechanic's daughter (and a farmer's daughter), I expect to be answer one question correctly at most on the mechanics section. I know what a transmission, alternator, and radiator all do, but I have no idea about which brakes have which parts and such. I know that disc brakes whine when wet; I can diagnose a bad fuel pump; I can recognize the whine of a bad belt; and I can tell the difference between a bad battery and a bad alternator. (Oh, yeah, and I can tell you that a tractor spike through a radiator tends to be bad news but makes for a funny story later on.) Other than that, I am lost. And most of that stuff isn't really test-question material anyway. Except the color my dad's face turned after the radiator started leaking. 8T Hmm.

Goodnight, all! (There's a particular quote from "The Princess Bride" that comes to mind, but I'm not violent.)

Take it or leave it

2009-02-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

After rehashing just how awkward I feel around family at my cousin's wedding tonight, I have come to a hopefully more than half-hearted and temporary conclusion . . . I am who I am. With family, I am the knitter of my generation, I think. I'm the one who tries to keep in contact with everyone, and that seems to work fine. But, as I would of course happen to be the only "weird" cousin, as my dad accidentally pointed out tonight ("Danielle and I are the only two who don't have the coordination and the athletics. . . ." "No, you used to be quite the runner! Didn't you even run marathons?!") -- I just don't feel like I fit. So. New decision here.

Whether I fit or not is their problem. I'm throwing it out there as an "I want to spend time with you because we're family, and I don't want to just lose those ties, like we're already doing" sort of thing. If they're up for it, fine. If they think I'm crazy for it, well, then, I sadly overestimated them. If they just don't want to spend time with me because I don't fit in with them (I swear, every last one of them is crazy athletic, smooth, funny, intelligent, and considered very attractive (general comment; c'mon here, we don't have a family telephone pole) -- well, then that's just it, then. I'm finally becoming at least comfortable with who I am, and I don't think that their initial impressions of who I am necessarily do me the most justice. I'm awkward and random, but I think that's something that many of my friends treasure as a part of the whole. So I don't know if I'm as weird or awkward or socially uncouth as they think I am. And if no one wants to hang out because of some limited impression of me, then that's not on me. I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt, though.

Saving for Later . . .

2009-02-19T15:54:00.001-08:00

I got this as part of a women's daily devotional email today, and I really liked the part at the end. It's not really anything for now, but I'd like to pray this way for my husband some day, if I get married. It's based on 1 Corinthians 13.

If I teach Bible study classes, volunteer for the church women's ministry, and sing in the choir, but do not love my husband, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have a college degree, high paying job, and successful career, but do not love my husband, I am emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. If I have faith that can move mountains, am quick to pray for those in need, and even have half the Bible memorized, but do not love my husband, I am disobedient and do not please God. If I keep a spotless house, maintain a well manicured lawn, and prepare nutritionally balanced meals, but do not love my husband, it is all for naught. Hired hands can do as much.

Lord, help me to be patient. Help me to be kind. I pray that I will not envy others who have seemingly happier marriages and husbands that are more helpful around the house, thoughtful, or romantic. I pray that I will never try to lift myself up by putting my husband down. Lord, I pray that I will not be a proud woman who refuses to listen to her husband, who always has to have the last word, who always thinks her way is best. I pray that I will not be rude to my husband with curt comments, disregard his needs, and be ungrateful for all he does and is, but treat him with the respect and honor that the king of a castle deserves.

I pray that I will not be self seeking, always thinking about what is best for me, but thinking of what would be best for my husband. I pray that I will not be angered easily, not hold a grudge, not keep a record of wrongs, not plan ways to retaliate, and not use my tongue as a weapon to cause pain. I pray that I will not rejoice and say "I told you so" when things don't work out the way my husband hoped.

Lord, above all, I pray that my husband will see me as his chief cheerleader who desires to rejoice with him in his victories, both big and small. He will see me as one who longs to protect our marriage and our love. Help me to create a warm and loving environment in which he feels safe, wanted, and revered. I pray that you will give me endurance when things get tough. Help the word divorce to never enter my mind or cross my lips as an option. Lord, I know that love never fails and that You never fail. Fill me with your Holy Spirit to give me the endurance to stand up under trials and love my husband as You would have me love him -- till death do us part.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Turn the stereo down, and listen to the still, small voice, fool!

2009-02-17T16:59:00.001-08:00

I think some of those questions are getting answered. I hope a few more will, too. I'm really starting to believe more again. I'm still a little hesitant, but I'm hoping and trying to let go and just have more faith -- to give God my faith. I guess I've never realized that faith isn't really something you receive, but something you give. At least, that's my take on it. I've been waiting for faith to come to me, all the while knowing that it was something I was really holding back.

Anyway, yeah, I have some of those really deep questioning moments, but they are temporary setbacks. I don't want anyone to worry from reading back a few blogs ago. I'm fine, although I still have that little cursing problem, and I serve a God that I trust will heal me, use me, and complete me. I believe that, now that I've let go of that bead in my hand (ask me the story in person), God is already doing those things. I know that I serve a God who loves me and takes care of me through all of my flaws, failures, and doubts. So, yeah. I'm trying.

I really wish . . .

2009-02-16T13:50:00.001-08:00

. . . I could step outside from behind my own eyes and step behind other pairs.

Best Playlist Ever! (Subject to change until I hear the whole thing)

2009-02-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

In the order created by iTunes Genius (so in no particular order, since I listen to this on shuffle). Perfect playlist to study to so far.

John and Ryan, I am open to your mocking. Please, go ahead. :D :P There's some stuff on here that's just my brother's, but most of it, I take full responsibility for liking. ;) And the sum is definitely better than some of the parts.

Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop 4:33 Landon Pigg
The Way I Am 2:15 Ingrid Michaelson
Almost Lover 4:29 A Fine Frenzy
Nothing Left To Lose 4:22 Mat Kearney
Honestly 3:33 Cartel
The Luckiest 4:25 Ben Folds
Crimes 3:44 Damien Rice
Hands Down 3:17 Dashboard Confessional
Riddle 3:51 Five For Fighting
Can't Let Go 4:47 Landon Pigg
All at Once 3:50 The Fray
Crooked Teeth 3:24 Death Cab for Cutie
Girl Next Door 3:18 Saving Jane
First Date 2:52 Blink-182
Vindicated 3:19 Dashboard Confessional
Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat) 3:10 Jason Mraz
An Honest Mistake 3:40 The Bravery
Say Anything (Else) 3:53 Cartel
Fast Car 4:57 Tracy Chapman
Falling Slowly 4:51 Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Good People 3:29 Jack Johnson
Crashing Down 4:15 Mat Kearney
Loser 3:57 Beck
Sunday Morning 4:08 Maroon 5
Time to Dance 3:24 Panic! at the Disco
Perfect 4:42 Simple Plan
The Way You Make Me Feel 4:58 Michael Jackson
One Thing 4:40 Finger Eleven
Never Let You Go 4:00 Third Eye Blind
Why Can't I? 3:31 Liz Phair
Every Mornin' 3:45 Sugar Ray
The Funeral 5:22 Band of Horses
(You Want To) Make a Memory 4:06 Bon Jovi
Undeniable 4:24 Mat Kearney
Cute Without the 'E' (Cut from the Team) (Acoustic) 4:29 Taking Back Sunday
Near To You 4:35 A Fine Frenzy
Banana Pancakes 3:12 Jack Johnson
She Is 4:01 The Fray
Violet Hill 3:50 Coldplay
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off 3:22 Panic! at the Disco
Mad World 3:08 Michael Andrews & Gary Jules
I Believe in a Thing Called Love 3:37 The Darkness
Save Tonight 4:03 Eagle-Eye Cherry
Screaming Infidelities 3:46 Dashboard Confessional
My Own Worst Enemy 2:50 Lit
Forever Young 4:30 Youth Group
All I Need 4:30 Mat Kearney
Jumper 4:35 Third Eye Blind
Let My Love Open the Door 2:43 Pete Townshend
Almost 3:26 Bowling for Soup
A Long December 4:59 Counting Crows
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage 2:57 Panic! at the Disco
Brick 4:45 Ben Folds Five
Wonderwall [acoustic] 4:06 Ryan Adams
No Rain 3:35 Blind Melon
Don't Wait 4:07 Dashboard Confessional
Trust Me 3:22 The Fray
Two Princes 4:17 Spin Doctors
You're My Best Friend 2:52 Queen
1979 4:26 Smashing Pumpkins
Talk 5:13 Coldplay
Liar (It Takes One to Know One) 3:10 Taking Back Sunday
Uptown Girl 3:17 Billy Joel
Smile Like You Mean It 3:56 The Killers
Lover I Don't Have to Love 4:04 Bright Eyes
Catch My Disease 4:14 Ben Lee
Where We Gonna Go From Here 4:07 Mat Kearney
Mrs. Robinson 3:52 Simon & Garfunkel
Your Heart Is an Empty Room 3:39 Death Cab for Cutie
Breakdown 3:33 Jack Johnson
Jack & Diane 4:16 John Mellencamp
But It's Better If You Do 3:28 Panic! at the Disco
Somebody to Love 4:57 Queen
Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? 4:54 Bryan Adams
Blister in the Sun 2:24 Violent Femmes
She Will Be Loved 4:20 Maroon 5
Runaway 2:53 Cartel
Vienna 3:41 Billy Joel
Cold Hard Bitch 4:03 Jet
Faith 3:13 George Michael (!!! Take that, Fred Durst!!!)
Think Of You 4:06 A Fine Frenzy
Part of Your World 3:13 Jodi Benson
Paper Thin Hymn 3:15 Anberlin
We Used To Be Friends 3:20 The Dandy Warhols
Let Her Cry 5:08 Hootie & The Blowfish
Strong Enough 3:11 Sheryl Crow
Marching Bands of Manhattan 4:13 Death Cab for Cutie
Rock & Roll 4:03 Eric Hutchinson
Under Pressure 3:57 Queen
The Bad Touch 4:21 Bloodhound Gang
Deep Inside Of You 4:15 Third Eye Blind
Wrong Way 2:17 Sublime
We Belong 3:42 Pat Benatar
Modern Nature 3:37 Sondre Lerche & Lillian Samdal
December 4:45 Collective Soul
Come On, Come Out 3:36 A Fine Frenzy
Wonderful 4:44 Everclear

Because I'm just so excited . . . !

2009-02-15T20:10:00.001-08:00

I posted this on the One Year Challenge blog, so the Weeks 7 and 8 thing might not make sense. Basically, we try to do at least one new thing a week. Week 7 lasts until Wednesday, February 18, because we started on New Year's Day, which was a Thursday.

For the rest of week 7 and all of week 8 -- I'm so excited about this -- I want to get my mile time down to 7:45 or less! The Army assesses a person's mile time (running) when said person enlists. Based on this time, the recruit will be assigned to a "sustained running ability group," which is basically a fancy name for a 12-week workout regimen based on the starting mile time. On the elliptical, I run about an 8:00 mile, and I was really excited to see the requirement to get into the fastest guys' group was 7:00. At my very best in high school, I could run a 6:58 mile, which was really slow compared to all the runners lapping me. (It really happened . . . at Regionals. I got last place. Very embarrassing.) Granted, that was a long time ago, and it took months for me to get into shape. And I was competing, which always gives me a little kick. But still. Yay Coach Rick. :)

Anyway, after looking at my mile time, I would have been placed in the guys' slowest running group, and the workout regimen doesn't really look like much of a challenge. SO! My goal for this next week and a half is to cut down my mile time by 15 seconds, so that I can make it into the next guys' group. That way, at the end of the training regimen, I'll be able to run a sustained 7:30 for 20 minutes. That's a tall order, but I'd rather have that challenge than running an 8:15 for 20 minutes. I can already just about do that. And I think a 20-minute 7:30 is feasible. Anyway. Here was a bunch of track mumbo jumbo for all you runners and ex-runners. But seriously, I'm really stoked. I have the opportunity to get in better shape and challenge myself. Plus, especially since the Army's basic training requirements for women aren't all that tough, I think this would make boot camp a lot easier. :)

A Lesson from Emma

2009-02-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

The purpose of knowing and recognizing a person's faults should really be to better appreciate their better qualities. I forget that too often, and I believe others probably do, too.

Who says reading can't teach you anything? I guess it can at least give one a good reminder of things that have been forgotten along the way.

Mosh pit in my brain : /

2009-02-03T19:25:00.001-08:00

"Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?"

I've got so many thoughts vying for my attention lately.

I need a job. I need to be able to pay rent. Was I wrong to have them lower my hours at the old job? Could I have helped it? Was this whole job search just a stupid waste of time and gas? How on Earth am I going to come up with my rent for March?

What prejudices have I grown up with? Have things really changed that much with me since I came to college? Do I treat ________, _______, and _______ as negative stereotypes? How do I go about changing my mindset? What if I don't meet someone who doesn't fit the stereotype? Am I really this shallow?

I need to get back in shape. I should really start eating healthier again and start working out. I need to buy milk, but with what money?

They both say to pray and trust God to help me. I said that it's myself and other people I don't trust, not God. I don't trust myself or anyone else, but, on second thought, I don't really trust God handles the small details. I don't know if I still believe he cares. I don't always even feel like he exists, and I'm supposed to be a Christian!!!! I am a Christian.

Hebrews 6:4-6. Shit. Intentional sin? Yeah, done that.

Does prayer even work?

So glad to have severed things with the ex, but I'm selfishly bothered that my bestie didn't offer to choose sides. Yeah, it's immature and selfish. I would have said no sides were necessary, but it would have been nice to hear the question posed as a sort of -- I don't know -- allegiance? loyalty? to our friendship. I should grow up and stop acting like a child; my friend was only acting the part of an adult. Maybe I should try it.

My life is getting too messy again. Literally. I need to get my room straightened up, dig my parking space back out, organize my papers into a file system again.

Have to pay my credit card bill tomorrow. Crap. Never get one of these again?

How do I go deeper in my faith without losing some of my closest friendships? I need support, not more criticism of the Church, and I can't dig in by myself. I don't have the stamina. Women's Bible study? Where can I go and be 100% vulnerable, 100% honest about where I'm at (100% redundant)? Will this just remind me more of the things I struggle with and cause them to be bigger problems? Is it possible to go deeper in a faith that's dehydrated down to almost inexistence? Do I still even have a faith?

Good books, but too many of them! This whole reading-all-the-time thing bites beehives.

Am I growing into a good person? A reliable person? The person I'd like to become? Am I growing into a questioning, seeking Christian, or just a spoiled, rebellious, little brat? Is there some way to put all of these into one person? Is it possible for that person to ever be me? I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I'd have myself become.

I'm pretty happy single. I don't want to stay single forever, though. I hope it won't be a terribly long time before I meet someone -- not just someone, but the one I will marry? What if I die before I marry? That would suck. I'd like to experience that intimacy with someone before I die.

I'm clingy and over-intense. What is wrong with me? Ridiculous. And yet, I'm sometimes too logical, too analytical, maybe even too honest (blunt)? Is there a way to fix myself? Is it even possible to have a marriage last? What's the use and the point of even trying? Am I doomed to repeat my parents' (my dad's) mistakes?

Will Anita and Travis make it? I hope so. I hope and pray (it's easier to believe -- or hope to believe -- for someone else's benefit) that he and John make it home safe and sound.

Have I really had it so bad with my family? Maybe I need to just move on. Easier said than done. And I'm afraid of losing the lessons, of repeating mistakes that I didn't quite pin down and memorize from my past if I do.

I'd like to move to Ireland someday. Or Scotland. Perfect weather, beautiful accents, gorgeous scenery, plenty of rain, none of this 13" of snow in two days. I could raise cattle, too -- not babies haha (old joke).

Will I ever get to travel? Should I just settle and be happy here without ever taking a road trip, Tri-S trip, etc.? There are so many more things I'd like to do if I could just convince my head to be as adventurous as my heart claims to be. I feel like I'm settling for mediocrity, routine, and sheltered, suburban conventionality.

Air Force, Army . . . what if neither of these works out? What if I don't graduate on time, or my grades are too bad, or my recommendations suck? What if I don't get into OTS? Can I even survive boot camp?

Have to change my plate tags.

Have to settle Agathos' debts. Have to cancel Compassion accounts. Should write three letters to our sponsored kids first, though.

Will I ever get hired? How will I get that money in time? Need money for the Chicago Trip for sociology, too. Fantastic.

I really need to start going to Orange, Black, and Green meetings. I really want to.

. . . and more.

30 Seconds to Procrastinate!

2009-01-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

"Kill off this thinking
It's starting to sink in
I'm losing control now
But without you I can finally see"(relevant only to me)

I'm still procrastinating a sec, but I'm over halfway done with Tess now. I just came to a conclusion that I wanted to record and get out, more than anything, before I forget or just dismiss it.

I miss community. Not friends. I mean, I have friends, some that I debate with, some that I sort things out with, but . . . I miss having friends to go deeper spiritually with, you know? I hate this "faith as an individual thing" thing around here. Sure, accepting a salvation is a personal choice, and no one person can make another person obedient. But I miss the corporate faith. I miss the small group corporate faith. I miss people who care. I miss caring, myself, sometimes.

All this said, I feel right now as if everyone else has either already succumbed to apathy or has moved a few aisles down and left me standing alone in my own aisle. I know they're close by, but I can't tell which direction to even look in. We can't hear each other; it's not like sonar.

I'm just frustrated. Maybe. Or maybe it's something more.

Job Hunting

2009-01-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

Let me recap the process. I filled out an application, took a little test over math and communications skills (it's unfortunate that I prefer paper and pencil to non-graphing calculators, because it takes longer, but, as I don't have to worry about punching in the incorrect numbers . . . ), and then had a little mini-interview with the manager. He asked me back for another on the following day. That interview went decently well, although he did say he was unsure if they'd want to hire me for my desired position or another one, or both. He told me to call him back a week later, Thursday (aka yesterday) if I hadn't heard from him yet. I called right after class, but unfortunately, the lovely cell phone boosters in Mocha Joe's didn't feel up to boosting my cell signal that day, and I didn't catch everything he said. What I did gather was, that he wanted to have me talk to the general manager, who had to create next week's schedule, which wouldn't be finished until the following day (today), and that I should call back then.

Let me include in all this the fact that I was never told whether or not I was hired, or for which position, so I was downright confused, but determined to remain patient yesterday as I hung up the phone (metaphorically). I wasn't sure if I was supposed to call Brian back or the general manager, whose name got fuzzed out in MJ's.

I called back today, talked to a very confused hostess, who directed me to a very confused general manager, and, as my phone was suddenly becoming staticky again (in my house), I hastily tried to throw it on the phone charger just in case the problem was actually a low battery. In the meantime, I heard the "you're on hold" music stop, and I said hello, but to no answer, and the music started up again. The next thing I know, I heard the music stop again, and I'm still trying to get the blasted charger end into the phone as I yank the thing back up to my ear and say hello to a manager that, I believe, had already identified himself. Needless to say, I was a bit harried at this point (internally, though hopefully not externally), and the manager wasn't thrilled with my seeming scatterbrain. When I told him what I had been told by Brian, he informed me, "I am the general manager," and told me that I would have to interview with him (the G.M.) again next week, though he couldn't schedule it today because the manager I interviewed with first had not left him my paperwork and would not be working today. So he's supposed to call me back tomorrow, but he didn't sound very thrilled with my show of incompetence and seeming lack of listening skills. Gosh. We shall see how this goes.

Out of fear as much as anything, I called back to check on my applications with my next two highest choices. The host at the better of the two offered to give my application to the manager (that hadn't happened yet?!), and the second response was more impatient and short. The winds might be changing; I sure hope not. It was nice to have my eggs in the incubator, to play on the old idiom.

"Video Killed the Radio Star . . ."

2009-01-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Hmm, since I already have a blog on here, and I'm trying to post to the One Year Challenge blog, I'm not sure where this one will end up. But here's to trying.

This week, I helped put in a new stereo and speakers in my car (dun dun DUNNNN!!!!). A weak first weak, I know. It's weird trying new things here, since my life here is more about my parents and working to earn some money. I guess I'm not very creative, but I'm hoping to try more exciting, new things once I get back to Anderson. We shall see. :)

P.S. Oldsmobiles do not like non-factory speakers, just an fyi. My '96 Cutlass Supreme had a problem with the new, deeper stereo, and the tweeter and subwoofer cones (I stole that jargon from my brother, who had to explain to me what a "tweeter" is) in the back were previously wired separately. The new three-ways are set up differently, with the wiring from the subs to the mids, and the mids to the tweeters set up inside a single speaker. Suffice it to say, there was some confusion. We finally have our new stereo set up, though, and some random broken pieces of plastic (oops) as well. Everything seems to work smoothly now, though. Hope that random outpouring of useless information made a difference in someone's life. :D Good luck to all you guys in this next week and this year! Bless people; be blessed!

And:

2008-12-31T21:46:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year, y'all. :)

Judgmental

2008-12-31T21:38:00.000-08:00

Am I really judgmental? That's a bitter pill to swallow. I guess the real question is, do you guys see me as more judgmental or empathetic/perceiving?

There has to be some truth to this, since people apparently agree that I'm a judger in some way. Also, that I'm introverted. I'm not so sure about that one, but I dunno.

Maybe I just empathize with the people that one doesn't generally empathize with, and I judge the others that represent something to me. I do categorize some people by their symbolic meaning (to me). I don't know how much I care for the rules, but I do assign symbolic meaning to people, so that's something. Also known as a run-on sentence. And a fragment to follow.

Me and the Men in My Life

2008-12-30T20:06:00.000-08:00

My relationship with my brother and my dad (two different people -- I am NOT "my own grandpa." Or grandma.) -- page 1. (Just kidding.)

To save time and space, let's just say that my dad is moody and confrontational, and he tends to create his own momentum to feed his tirades at times. That is not to say that he is always wrong (although the degree of his emotion and "constructive" criticism might be). My dad is the one person that I can -- and cannot -- stand up to, paradoxically. When backed into a corner unfairly and rather loudly, I tend to take on the characteristic fury of a bear with the seeming lack of reason. (Though his violent temper scares many people, I guess I try to protect myself by in matching him tit-for-tat or shout-for-shout.) We become angry, nonsensical, mirror images of each other, and nothing gets solved. Usually, I end up walking away in some shape or form, and then I avoid him until he apologizes, albeit still critically. I won't put up with his tirades, but, sad to say, it seems that I always "stand up for myself" with matching emotion and enthusiasm. It's an endless cycle.

I don't respect him enough. I'm not thankful enough for the good things he does for me, nor do I express my gratitude well (often, coherently) to him. I don't really encourage the good aspects of his character, and I dwell on the negative and hold a grudge against those things, synecdochizing them as his entirety. I'm so afraid of his reactions that I don't tell him anything, often hiding the true negativity of my finances or my grades. Conversely, he attacks them when I do share, unless Cody has already stepped in to warn him to play nice.

My brother is not my dad, as much as he doesn't always see this. He is much more even-keeled, though he will relentlessly attack in order to prove a point or point out statements that either don't make entire sense or don't contain the entire truth. (I'm not trying to be "grey" here, just discussing those simple cause-effect relationships and such that are never so cut and dry except when we want the cause to be something other than ourselves.) He basically acts almost as a parent at times, stepping in between my dad and I in our disagreements, making sure that I do things in a punctual, commonsense manner (both of which do not come natural to me). He resents it, and, while I resent it, too, I kind of rely on it.

We help each other out when the other is in a jam, and I continually say and do the wrong thing around him, something that both amuses and immensely irritates him, and which usually embarrasses him in some public form. I really try, though. I just don't have . . . I don't even know what. A filter, for one. It kills me that I embarrass him. It kills me that I just make things awkward around him. And, although I love to try to help him out with advice or a good home-cooked meal or whatever, I know deep down that he wants me around when he needs something. He has a tremendous heart, though, and he has a habit of coming in to save the day when I don't even expect it. I can't truly fault him for this use-it-or-lose-it mentality when he does so much for me out of random moments of . . . I don't know what. Compassion? Friendship? Siblinghood? (Is that even a word?)

He has all this random wisdom of his own, and I really respect it. I'm way too critical of him, though. I want him to be the best person that he can be (and not get a big head in the process). I don't feel like I can tell him emotional, wishy-washy things (read: feminine things) that affirm his positive attributes, though, because, for one, I don't think he likes emotional, sappy talk. For two and three, I am not that coherent of a person when I'm trying to put something big into (verbal) words, and I feel like those words fall on deaf ears when I do throw them out there. Every once in awhile, we have a big conversation where we really open up to one another, and we can talk honestly and vulnerably about our hopes and dreams for ourselves, as well as our admiration and concerns for/about each other. I remember things that he tells me that I doubt he remembers even saying. I hold onto those things, albeit silently, just hoping to hear one again.

I don't handle conflict well with the men in my life. I don't handle emotion, or femininity well with them, either. I continually send my incompetencies their way, and they take care of it, although not always so happily. I run from justly deserved criticism, getting angry at its senders. I ache for affirmation, positive attention, affection, though I never say it. I guess I'm just as screwed up as the next guy. I don't know what this says about me; all I know is this: here I am as I stand now, honestly, but, I'm sure, replete (I like that word) with my own biases.

Chance Is the One Thing You Can Still Bet On

2008-12-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

Should I have capitalized "On" in the title? I don't remember, since it has emphasis? Eh, well.

Random thoughts of the day that I will share before I forget them --

How crazy is it that, centuries after mankind first noticed randomness in the universe (or at least settled down to think about it), we're still debating over its implications (good versus evil, the "purpose" and occurence of suffering, the existence of God and the depth of his concern for humanity, evolution versus creation) and using it for our own entertainment (in other words, gambling)? (Whew! That was a long sentence. I apologize.) Sure, we've developed oodles of variations of poker and euchre and the like, but c'mon, we're still betting on dice or the randomness of cards. Ridiculous. And downright cool that something as simple and paradoxically huge as random chance (redundant) has so captivated us -- such a powerful law of nature. We don't even see God in that mix, but who the heck created all of this random chance? I think God did. Haha, so when we write gambling off as "of the devil," we don't even realize (heck, neither do the gamblers) that this fascination holds in its gaze something immense and God-created that we should all marvel at! Two bad approaches here -- gambling tries to control (or thinks it can control) chance, "lady luck," and denies its source and purposes, while parts of the Church historically (and still today) strive to deny that this chance even exists, covering up its beauty and simplicity with assumptions of God's intentionality toward all things. (Maybe God created chance intentionally? Just saying.)

Thought bubble number two:

Why is it that, upon telling some people that they have something, specifically some personal quality, that you wish to have, one can instead unintentionally inflate their egos? I mean, there is a compliment in there, but let's say that it's an affirmation. Anyway, the next time you try to impress them with your own demonstration of said ability/quality, they now condescend to mock or just plumb shut down your attempts now that they've been deemed an authority on the subject?

Here's the part where I spill the specifics. I wish I was as funny as my brother. I'd almost tell him that, but I think I know his personality well enough to know that, if I do give him that affirmation, he will (probably unconsciously, but to ensure his stature as said resident funnyman) most likely follow the above pattern.

I guess the real question is, why do I want to be as funny as he is? That's envy, folks, pure and simple. I envy the ability to make people laugh and the charisma that just draws people to him. Oh, well. I have my awkwardness and running into things. I guess I qualify as an unintentional slapstick comedienne. Seriously. I have the bruises on my shins and knees to prove it. :)

Today, Cody and I joked in the car about how funny it would have been if I would have shut my shoelace in the car door and discovered it as we were driving down the freeway. Just missed happening, actually. Just a closing story to make you smile. :)

("I can't move my stupid foot 'cause my shoelace is stuck in the door?"
"You shut your shoelace in the door? AHAHAHAHAHA"
"I know. Shut up." *beet red face*)

That's generally how it goes. ("You ran into your bed?" "Did you just run into the door frame/counter/door?" "I can't believe you almost ran into a tree!") My gift to the world is my lack of coordination. Or my lack of attention to details like where the doors, trees, beds, etc. are at. Small stuff like that. :D

Fun Fact

2008-12-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously considering going into the Air Force after school. It pays well (and SallieMae is fully prepared to suck me dry upon my graduation), it would give me some real discipline, and I'd get to travel! I won't qualify for any of the teaching fellowships in any of the big cities across the U-S-of-A for next year, since my degree won't be conferred until August, so that's not an option anymore. The only other thing I'm really considering is teaching English in Korea, but I'm not sure if I'll have my degree in time for the proper visas and such. We shall see.

Rocky Votolato. Check 'im out. I'd recommend "White Daisy Passing," "The City Is Calling," or "Suicide Medicine." Great if you like folky or acoustic music.

There's Nothing Like a Little Etta . . .

2008-12-29T12:38:00.000-08:00

. . . to just chill to and to inspire one. Thank God for Launchcast on Yahoo Radio. Pretty much the best mood lifter in the world.

I want to write something beautiful. The one thing I've started wondering about, though, is, do we artisticky types (yes, I'll include myself in that category) want to write or create something beautiful when the beauty is right in front of us, inside of us? Perhaps a life can be a beautiful story, as cheesy as that sounds. Maybe I'm so accustomed to this desire to create something beautiful outside myself as a semblance of release, that I haven't tried to find that release in my life itself.

Maybe there's something wrong if our lives themselves don't contain the beauty we seek elsewhere.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong things.

What do I seek for myself and my life? What would my mission statement be? How would I like to be remembered?

(Random note: It always worries me that no one besides me knows my scars. It saddens me to overemotional, weirdly unexplainable depths that even those in my family could identify few of my identifying marks if something were ever to happen to me where I was unrecognizable. Yes, it's morbid. But that lack of intimacy and, heck, interest, is just plumb disappointing. I just discovered another one today, and, thus, this popped back into my thoughts.)

Back to topic. What do I want to do, to be remembered for?

Well, first of all, what I'd like to accomplish and who I'd like to become are two different things.

I'd like to travel, to learn new languages, to get my act together and suddenly (poof! magic) become some shade of organized. I want to find a job that I will like and that will play to my strengths and needs: independence, lots of movement, variety, and freedom to be creative. I want to live somewhere that is beautiful, comfortable, and home, surging with community. I do not want to live in Housing Development, Suburbia. Heck, no.

I'd like to become someone I'd look up to. I want to keep my country roots, be someone physically, emotionally, and spiritually strong. I want to have a deep faith that not only questions, but finds answers, without all of the lingo and prepackaged, easy answers. (And I never want to wear a Jesus t-shirt again.) I want to be independent, fiercely compassionate and loyal, nonjudgmental, but still grounded in my own faith. I want to be a lover who fights for the ones I love. :) I want to be observant, hospitable, wise, introspective, intelligent, creative and artistic, merciful, sometimes times funny, sometimes awkward, always quirky, and always genuine. I want to be spontaneous and grounded, all at the same time, and I want to love and serve others for their sake and for the purpose of Purpose, of living out my faith and my love and extending that same grace and hope that I've received to everyone around me. I want to love the unlovables. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to be vulnerable and honest. I want to be blunt when I need to be. I want to be passionate, tomboyish (why should I change that? I like it), and encourage the creativity and love of others.

I don't want people to be ashamed of me. I don't want my family to be ashamed of me. I don't want to be ashamed of me. I don't want to shame the God I love, although I know that's something I do and will continue to do from time to time.

I don't want to let people down. I want to meet their expectations, my way. I want to be more punctual, more thoughtful in encouragement and communication, and more reliable. I want to be involved in things outside myself. I don't want to settle into selfish routine.

Oh, yeah, and I'd like to learn coordination and learn how to dance and cook really well, too, but that's beside the point. I'd like to eat healthier, while we're at it. I'd like to create my own fashion for myself, one that's actually fashionable and professional. I'd like to learn how to paint and/or sculpt. I'd like to take exquisite photographs that really capture color and beauty as I see it. And like I said, I'd like to write something beautiful. Side track . . . done.

(Ray Charles' "Blues Waltz." Fantastic. Really.)

My grandma wonders why I'm still single? I'm still perfecting this stuff. These are my goals, my dreams.

Late-Night Musings

2008-12-26T23:58:00.001-08:00

It's late, but I'm not quite tired enough to sleep quite yet.

Maybe friendships can't start again when two roads diverged in a wood, and he -- he took the one less traveled by? And do we ever really grow up, or do we just learn to camouflage the same childish questions in designer clothing? Is it the questions themselves that are childish, or just the mouths of the babes they come from? I don't have any answers.

And for me, specifically. What does it take to truly forgive things thought forgotten? I would genuinely like to change my perspective on things, namely, from pessimism to optimism. It makes forgiveness so much easier and healing so much more possible. Somewhere along the way, I've convinced myself that realism meant pessimism. Does it have to be that way? And change -- can people really change? Can I change? I don't always want to; sometimes apathy wins. I don't really seek answers from anyone; these are the rhetorical thoughts that keep vibrating in my brain. Can trust ever be validated? Maybe that's not the real question. How does one find sufficient validation in God? How does one find anything in God? I hear theories and abstractions all the time, but they seem to my ears like instructions to a dog to duplicate a Van Gogh painting. Mull that one over with your cider. For once, I would rather see this in action, especially up close, than to hear the words once again.

"A woman's heart should be buried so deeply in God that a man has to go there to find it."

I don't care about the man right now. I want something lasting, eternal. These are questions I would expect from a "non-Christian," but I am a Christian who has been tinged with doubt about all things over the last few years. I don't seek a fleeting feeling. I want something tangible, something lasting and consistent. In my experience, God hasn't been consistent, but, then, neither have I.

And that's enough for now. I'm tired enough for sleep at last.

Family?

2008-12-26T15:18:00.001-08:00

I think my parents are both trying very hard. The holidays have been really good so far, though there was conflict. Even my mom's family was pretty openly enjoyable. I think everybody's trying to forgive and move on. I don't feel so threatened by my mom's new family and the prospect of "blending" into it so much anymore, although I don't imagine it the way that she does, I'm sure. I could have a friendship with these girls, although I can't guarantee a sisterhood. I don't even have that with most of my friends -- just those I have the most history and the most vulnerability with. I'm finding peace in the midst of it, though I don't envy my dad's situation with Lori's kids. None of us wants to blend there, and that seems to be the only thing that actually connects us all. Her oldest son seems like the only one of her kids who has retained any peace and common sense in this whole thing. I dunno. It's a bit scary, still.

Coming back to this note a few days later, yeah, the tensions are coming back, but we're handling it the way any ordinary family would, I think. That's good, right? It has to be.

Older chest

2008-12-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

This time separated from anyone my age and chuck full of "family time" gives me a lot of time to think -- and get depressed. How will the monotony not drain me with apathy and frustration? All of the stuff bubbling under the surface, all the stuff we'd like to avoid comes out and taints our emotions and darkens our time together during these long stretches of time together.

1. By all accounts, I'm a failure. Academically, I turn everything in late and oversleep instead of going to class. I show up late for tests or never show up for quizzes. I'm not the successful, straight-A student that many people assume, and my future is in jeopardy.
a. Financially, I spend more than I make.
b. I show up late for work and don't get all of my tutor reports in. I don't fill things out in a timely fashion at all.

2. I'm angry at my dad for the divorce; I blame him for it, and I don't trust his honesty with himself or others after "the Loris." And his attempts to control my life (which arise more out of love than they seem to, I realize) sometimes seem ludicrous, even laughable in his hypocrisy.

3. I don't like Lori. I see her, in part, as a catalyst for the divorce, though I don't think she was as aware of what was going on as my mom thinks. I hate how my dad treats her, and I hate that she gets mad over little things, but puts up with the biggest crap he dishes out.

4. I don't like my mom. I haven't felt closeness or affecton to or from her since I was little. She doesn't like kids, but she's always pretended to. For some reason, she stopped or gave up on being supportive at times just because she didn't like our ages. Except that kids don't work like wine -- you can't just cast us aside for years until you decide we've reached an age in which you can now enjoy us. She's so stern and correctional most of the time, and has been for so long, that her kindness, generosity, affection, and interest now seem somehow false.

5. And I don't really trust her. As much as I don't trust Dad's judgment, I don't trust the strength or stability of her love -- she's just as unreliable as one of my dad's moods. She has taken out her frustrations on me and thus taught me that some truly beautiful, but complex things are ugly punishments (like femininity, for example), and she has told both Cody and I things about ourselves that stick and cling to us with such great force, hurtful things, that her attempts to affirm us seem fickle and feeble at best. Plus, she hasn't treated Cody, especially, in the way a loving, supportive, understanding mother -- someone she wants and claims to be -- should! We are not toys tht can be picked up again whenever someone so chooses.

6. Bob is not our father; his kids are her family and not ours; and their house will never be "our" home, nor would I ever desire to make their home my own. I want to support her in her new life, but she does not get to decide that my life has to suddenly tuck and roll into this nice, neat little package of Family Suburbia. I don't want a new life, complete with prepackaged step-siblings and step-nephews. I'm happy she's found someone who makes her happy & vice versa. I kind of miss our past life as our family, and maybe that's why I'm so critical of the past -- I don't know if that even makes any sense. I guess it's a paradox. But the best I can do is create my life -- not my mom's chosen new life or my dad's, either; not some combination or hybrid of the two; just my own life, which includes the same people as before.

7. I'm incredibly self-centered, and this divorce/remarriage thing has only served to heighten this. Whereas the center of my life once included a whole family unit, replete with traditions and conflict, that family has been torn, and its members now spread away from the center. While there are new people at the periphery, those new people in the lives of my former family members, there's now no real, emulsified (that's non-glued-together, for all of you non-sciencey folks) family at the center.

Thinking of giving up

2008-12-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

This week has been hell. As in, I've made my own hell this week. I turned one paper in two days late and another three days late. And the funny thing is, I had the first one done on time and the second one done about an hour late. I just overslept and would have arrived to class late with said papers in hand both times. I need to get my act together.

On the other hand, Agathos has slowly stopped participating in things. We did a service project last weekend, and "we" only included Ellen and I. I still have to finish it myself, because, with just the two of us, we couldn't finish the dang thing. I sent out an email about selling tickets, and only Jenny responded. As it was, her schedule was already busy, so she could only take the occasional hour. And now that my phone is back on, I realize that I've got a bunch of missed calls from Boosters wanting to know why we haven't had ticket sales in the BOD, and I have no idea of how to answer.

I'm done. I've dropped the ball enough with classes, work, and Agathos, so one thing needs to go. And I'm through with doing everything with just myself, Jenny, and Ellen participating, for the most part. I'm not Agathos; I can't be Agathos or even carry it for awhile. I think I'm going to resign as an officer for next semester. It's just one more thing I don't need on my plate right now. I need to get my frickin' act together in a few more important areas than this, and I don't need the added responsibility of club to weigh me down.

Something that provoked thoughts in me . . .

2008-12-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

Apparently this was an article in Relevant. ------------------------------------

I know, I know. You’re already looking for holy, sanctimonious, snobbish “it’ll be worth the wait when your prince (or princess) comes and makes it all worthwhile.” Not so, I say. And it’s not easy for me to say that at all. I’ve been married seven and a half years, was single for 27 before that, and I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to be single.

Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not looking to be free of my husband … not at all. Seven and half years later, I think we’re finally getting to the good stuff. We know each other way less than we thought we did on our wedding day, and much better than we did that next morning when we woke up as Mr. and Mrs. We’ve been through some really tough stuff together: We’ve both had surgeries, mine minor, his less so. We’ve struggled to pay bills—really scary ones, like the one from the IRS. We make an odd couple—both tremendously damaged by our childhoods, and healed in some painful and wondrous way by one another. But I digress…

Singleness. I never valued it when I had it. My goal was always not to be alone, and since I make friends with male people more easily than with female people, that meant I was “not alone” with male people quite a bit. Emotional intimacy was easily had, and I mistook that more than once for love, and that led to sex and the giving away of bits and pieces of myself.

And the older I get, the more I wish I hadn’t given so much of myself away. I wish I’d learned to like myself better as a single person, valued myself more, given more of my heart to God and less of my body to men who didn’t love it like I should have. The older I get, the more I realize how deep God’s love is, and how like a father I have broken God’s heart in the past—not irrevocably and not with rejection, but with sadness for how little I thought of myself, how much of myself I gave that I can’t get back, how little I trusted myself when I was so determined not to be single.

By the time Ben and I married, I had grown up a little. I’d sort of given up on not being single, and was working on learning to love my single self. We actually had a very deep conversation about how we were not dating at this point in our lives, over a dinner that started as a convenient grab-a-bite-after-class and was, by the end of the evening, looking more and more like a date. I liked myself, and so I didn’t just jump at the chance to date someone, to be “not alone.” I found that because I valued myself and had a sense of who God was calling me to be, I felt freer to hold back, to be “wooed,” to wait for a sense that this time it would be the time to give my heart definitively and not try to buy love with the rest of me.

What I think about singleness is this: It’s a time to come to know who you are, to be at peace with yourself and with God. It’s hard to feel all that comfortable when you know you’ve left bits and pieces of your self and your soul behind, and failed to value them the way God does. But they can grow back.

Singleness for me was mostly years of failing to understand that true love doesn’t ask for my soul, but receives it, shares it and grows it. It was years of failing to realize that I had “true love” in my platonic friendships and in my relationship with Christ and in my family, and that it was time to stop looking elsewhere for love. And singleness was the incubator in which I grew up, from a childish seeking for comfort anywhere I could get it, to finally feeling that in Ben I’d found a love and acceptance only God had felt for me before. It was years of learning to face myself in a mirror and see contentment reflected back.

So yeah, I’ve been thinking about singleness. Part of me misses it, but only to the extent that I failed to value it when it was mine. There’s freedom there, to travel and to think out loud, to take the crazy job or paint my toenails purple (he hates it when I do that). You can eat what you want and watch the ball game without worrying about what anyone else wants to do. Singleness was right for me for a time. It’s been right for my best friend all along—she’s my age, and, I think, secure enough in God and in herself to enjoy it while it lasts, while staying open to the possibilities of being not-single. It’s right for another friend, who finds it to be her calling in life, to be satisfied with who she is and comfortable in her own skin.

Singleness is about adventure, self-esteem and growing up. And it’s about you owning your soul, until it’s time to give it away to the one who gives it back to you, with theirs. Here’s my word of wisdom from the other side of singleness: It’s who you are when you’re single that sets the course for who you’ll be all your life. Be whole, and yes, holy—don’t give yourself away. You’ll miss the pieces you let go.

Stolen From Ellen . . . Answers to Come Later

2008-11-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line (unless the first line reveals the song title) from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing. *Omit instrumentals and songs in other languages.*
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own

1. In every heart, there is a room, a sanctuary safe and warm . . .
2. Lovely is the feelin' now; fever, temperature's risin' now . . . -----think back
3. Tell a lie that's enough, give me a story you've made up, and I'll forgive you . . .
4. Tell me, do you think it'd be all right if I could just crash here tonight? -----easy one
5. Johnny used to work on the docks, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck . . . --- easiest one
6. Betcha didn't know I knew how to rock 'n roll . . . ------ good (old) song
7. I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, a-you dont stop . . .
8. (The choir's in the house) Got to move (move), come on (come on), hey, ladies, let your bodies move . . . ----- if anyone gets this without google, he or she is my hero
9. Staring at a blank wall and its whitewashed face, not knowing why I had to choose this way . . .
10. No, she won't, she won't, she won't wait . . .
11. Boy, you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light . . . "Bye Bye - Jo Dee Messina
12. I've been lost inside empty space in my heart . . .
13. There was a time I could drink my cares away . . . ------ and country folks can survive
14. Which of the bold-faced lies will we use? 'I hope that you're happy . . . ' ------ also easy
15. When your mind is a mess, so is mine, I can't sleep 'cause it hurts when I think . . .
16. Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? "Bootylicious" - Destiny's Child
17. I came in as the sun came up, she glared at me over her coffee cup . . . "That's My Story" - Collin Raye
18. Whoa, thought it was a nightmare, lo, it's all so true . . .
19. Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do . . .
20. There is freedom within, there is freedom without, try to catch the deluge with a paper cup . . . "Don't Dream It's Over" - Crowded House

Today

2008-11-13T22:42:00.001-08:00

We tried out something like 30 or so acts for this Encore. Which was great, except for the fact that it made it so hard to make cuts. We decided, in fact, to keep 20 acts and push the early show up to 7:30 to give us time for the extra songs in there. I dunno. I'm tired, and I'm ready for the weekend. :) *peaceful sigh* Off to bed now.

Oh, ADDP.S. We're trying to come up with an extra Encore theme. We've thought of a Beatles Encore or Encore Originals, which would be more nichey music (indie, classic rock, things that didn't necessarily make it big, but were great anyway, and maybe even some songs written by students), and a redneck/country Encore. Any thoughts or other ideas?

"Drama, drama, drama!"

2008-11-13T00:31:00.000-08:00

I think I might try to blog on here almost daily; I won't commit, though, in case I don't have the time, energy, or inspiration to follow through at one or more points. Anyway.

So today. Got to be the official face of Agathos for some Agathos-Boosters tensions about Encore. Fun, fun, and physically icky. Speaking of Encore, we have a Louis Armstrong and a Carrie Underwood living on campus. Nice.

No class today, but I sold club formal tix instead. Pretty sure I'm going with my guy. Speaking of Jase, I def. dropped it that I've been thinking about it and think I'd like to love him (future, not present; my mind runs in much different directions than seems common). clarified on the phone that i care deeply for him, but not love yet. could go that way, though. i'd like it to . . . eventually. hope he didn't think there were any expectations that came along with the announcement. had wanted to tell him on friday, because we're double dating that night, but yeah. decided i'd rather end this night on that high note, although it scared him more than anything. why can't a girl talk about loving someone without the associations of immaturity and that damned MRS degree? no thank you.

anyway. too premature? we've only been a couple for maybe a month and a half, although our "first date"-ish-type thing was a couple weeks before that. i dunno. i'm thinking now that it would have probably been better to wait, not because i think the message would change, but so that it wouldn't have been so much of a shock. that poor guy's heartbeat! 150 bpm, i think. :) haha poor kid.

thinking of frank (sinatra)'s "have yourself a merry little Christmas" right now. good head music to fall asleep to. when did facebook notes get so limited in material? boo. goodnight, all, and shut up, ADD. ;)

Stolen from Jael stolen from Allison

2008-11-11T14:33:00.000-08:00

1. What was the highlight of your week? Last night, just hangin' out with my guy *blush*

2. Whose car were you in last? my own

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? oh gosh, is this gonna be one of those cheesy romantic things? maybe I didn't read this through enough

4. Last movie you watched? i forgot . . . um, i guess it was superbad

5. Who were you with? this cool guy and his roommate, jason ;) (jk; i was with two pretty nifty guys -- Jason and Derrick)

6. Last thing you ate? beef stew over a biscuit in Olé and cottage cheese

7. Last thing you drank? 2% milk and ice water (i ordered both)

8. When was the last time you had your heart broken? romantically? never. other than that? when i saw that ASPCA commercial the other night. as in, broken in a good way.

9. Who came over last? mr. kelm

10. Are you happy right now? yep

11. What did you say last? "have a good night"

12. Where is your phone? in my coat pocket, and it's turned off because i'm at work, where the library walls suck the juice out of it.

13. Are you left-handed? nope

14. Spell your name without vowels: dnll

15. Do you have any pets? i guess ginger is supposedly my dog, but she's more like a family dog; black lab/German shepherd mix and general fun-loving, stinky pain in the butt! ;D

16. Favorite Vacation? florida via kentucky; road trip

17. What do you dislike currently? conflict

18. What are you listening to? "titans spirit (score)" from remember the titans; iPod song shuffle

19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? a week's paid vacation

20. What is your favorite scent? (to jael) I LOVE THAT CANDLE!!!! i bought it for cody once. but to answer the question, i have a few -- cow manure (weird, i know), powdered milk, molasses-coated grain, carnations, the irises by the granary that smell like vanilla, mulled cider candles, rain, snow

21. Who makes you happiest? depends on the day? i still haven't gotten used to this whole dating and relating thing lol. in general, jason, jael, and old friends, because it's always exciting to catch up.

22. What were you doing at midnight last night? heading home

23. When is your birthday? i won't say, but even i usually forget until about the day or two before

24. Who has the same phone as you? very few people in indiana; i guess the guy at the cell phone store has the rokr, but his is orange (slightly jealous here)

25. Last time you went swimming in a pool? homecoming weekend, when padre was here

26. Do you read your horoscope? if i'm that bored/only at home

27. Where was the last place you bought something? crochet hook and something to make Christmas presents with at walmart (i know, i know)

28. How do you feel about your hair right now? way too long, and split ends. i need a haircut.

29. Do you bite your nails? only when they're too long

30. Do you have any expensive jewelery? planning to rob me, blogger quiz? i have one nice bracelet, but it's only expensive to me. and it happens to be at home.

31. Myspace or facebook? facebook. myspace is for creepers.

32. Have you ever smoked? like a chimney! no.

33. Do you have Verizon? no way, josé

34. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? the outdoorsy, adventurous, laid back, compassionate, and thought-provoking ones (believe it or not, i've met a few)

35. Do you have any hidden talents? i can secretly tapdance to heavy metal. i can play the piano and guitar mediocrely. which is not a word. and i can proofread like superman.

36. Favorite Song? "please call me, baby" - tom waits

37. Do you like to sing at all? yes, especially by myself in the car, as loudly and terribly as i can

38. Where does most of your family live? michigan

39. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? nope, i have a little bro, an "adopted little bro" or two or three, an adopted little sister (who is much more mature than me), an adopted "older brother" who's like a little brother to me, and a best friend who's practically my brother, too :)

40. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? haha no

41. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? DID I SLEEP IN TOO LATE?!!!

42. Do you drink? i've grown up in an area where alcohol wasn't always necessarily a rite of passage, and i can honestly say i drink responsibly. but, while i'm a student leader at AU, i don't really care to do that, even though i know i don't need the alcohol policy to enforce moderation.

43. Know any other languages? un poco de español, francés, alemán, y japonés. oh, and a wee bit of sign language.

44. Ever write a coded message? oh, i'm sure i have once or twice back in the day. i prefer vague details that bring inside jokes and stories for specific people.

45. Have you ever been IN a wedding? once as a flower girl when i was little and once in my mom's second wedding

46. Do you have any children? thank God, no. i'm too young. someday, though, hopefully.

47. Did you take a nap today? nope

48. Who has the same birthday as you? Geena Davis, Baby Spice, Stonewall Jackson, Plácido Domingo, Jack Nicklaus, Johnny Oates, Billy Ocean, Benny Hill, Paul Scofield, Christian Dior, Hakeem Abdul Olajuwon (thanks, wikipedia)

49. Ever met anyone famous before? I know P-Diddy personally, except that it's really Patty Davey. I don't care to meet someone just because he/she is famous. That's kind of ridiculous, in my opinion.

50. Do you want to be famous one day? No. At one point, I wanted to bring fame to my hometown so that people would actually know where it's at, but I think I'm happy with my life the way it is. I'd rather be loved than famous, because the two are definitely not synonymous.

51. Any Pet Peeves? oh, a few.

52. Are you multitasking right now? nope, just getting ready for bed.

53. What is your least favorite chore? laundry or ironing, hands down.

54. Last place you drove your car? to Jason's house

55. Ever been out of the country? if Canada counts, and it shouldn't.

56. Where were you born? back home (well, in the GC)

57. Could you handle being in the military? i don't know. i think so?

58. What is your average cell phone bill? free, thanks to my dad

59. Who are you thinking about right now? Encore and Boosters

60. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? tonight at the club council meeting

61. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 2 pairs of tennis shoes, 3 pairs of flip flops, 1 pair of heels

62. How many piercings do you have? one in each ear

63. What are you doing today? selling all club formal tickets

64. Have you ever been gambling? nupe. seen too many individuals, families, and even businesses destroyed that way.

65. Do you like rollercoasters? not especially. i'm a bit of a wuss.

66. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? both, but disney world is definitely better.

67. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? captain planet or robin from batman & robin (i had a crush on him when i was little haha)

68. Last thing you cooked? oh gosh, i don't remember. the last thing i BAKED was cookies for derrick and jason, but the last thing i actually cooked . . . was probably pasta. although the last time we had pasta, jason cooked it.

69. How's the weather? cold and wet, which is okay. :)

70. Do you e-mail? yeah, but i'd rather not most of the time

71. Last time you were sick? monday
72. What states have you lived in? Michigania, Indiana

73. Do you wish you could move? eh, it's okay here. :)

74. What is your dream car? either a ford f-150 with some sort of renewable energy or an aston martin . . . i forget the model, but alicia and i decided this at one time. more realistically, though, a ford taurus -- the old kind.

75. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? not here dealing with this conflict. somewhere conflict-free and relaxed.

Musings

2008-10-28T13:25:00.001-07:00

I'm in a sort of creative mood, I guess. I feel like writing. But I just don't have anything earth-shattering to write about. I'm excited for Christmas (and by that, I mean Thanksgiving -- if you come along on Friday night, you'll understand), and I can't wait to come up with (hopefully) really well-chosen, meaningful gifts for the people I love. I want to light candles and string up lights and make hot cocoa with peppermint whipped cream. It's all more meaningful than a sticker with my name on it under a dead piece of wood -- I like the symbolism and the atmosphere and the love best. I even miss the stark landscape of curly-haired cattle against a dirty-snow landscape, complete with sparse, colorless trees against a grey horizon, with the wind tearing at my face and numbing my fingers and toes. I miss seeing neon orange people walking around, sledding behind the snowmobile (as long as I'm not driving), and having to practically throw my pansy dog into the first big snow.

I miss tacky tinsel in my brother's room, all the ornaments that used to mean so much (which have all disappeared), the lights and garland and "Take Off (To the Great White North)" on the record player. I miss the poinsettia lights. These things are a part of a chapter that has closed in my life, though, at least for my family. I think I'd like to revive them in my own life. Maybe next year, or the next, or the next, and so the reasoning goes for another year.

And this year, I have a new someone in my life. I didn't really expect this, honestly. And he's okay, I guess. (haha) Really, he's fantastic. I'm still trying to adjust to being in a relationship, because I'm really used to being on my own. But, although I don't want to write about Jason or talk about Jason all the time as that girl that everyone secretly starts to want to strangle, I'm pretty fond of the guy. :)

Best album to listen to for Christmas that has nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever: Lou Rawls: Greatest Hits. It's just good. Very good.

Anyway, yeah. So my mom and Bob have decorated their house in a nautical theme, although my mom goes for apples and old-fashioned farm-type stuff in her old house, too. My dad decorates his house with paperwork and his yard with typical white trash Americana. Cody is a typical (well, kind of) college kid and RA in Dunn, and he likes tech-y things, Old Navy, good music, and good movies, but I don't really want to go that route again. Tang is a pain in the butt, because she likes theology, but has no time to read, and she doesn't journal; she blogs. I once got her candles, which, I believe, she's just started using in this past year (except that I think I got them for her 3-4 years ago lol). Steven Charles, well, I've got an idea for him. He's relatively easy (HAHAHA). And there's always liquor for Steve. :D Then my roommates, probably Derrick (whose name I have been misspelling in texts -- such a jerk), Maya, Matt and Niccole (but I have their gift picked out already), Pete, Hutsell, Taps, my girls (Anita, Suz, Miranda, JJ), Jonah Tang, Kristyn, Deeter, AP, Amanda, some other friends, and Mary and Ken Howell. I think I might have left someone out . . . ;) But I've already started planning that one, I think. The difficulty comes in figuring out what I can make or afford that would actually mean something to each person.

I have to go to work now.

Anime Weirdo :)

2008-10-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

So you need to leave my head, because I can't concentrate. :P Not that I'm too good at that anyway . . .

On a side note, Josh and Jason and Jael, the three of you who actually read this a veces (from time to time) . . . I have a question for you. I'm thinking about making my Christmas gifts this year. (No, I will not try to make a million scarves again, because I can never get the length right, and the wool gets itchy pretty fast. Plus, I'm pretty much over that for awhile.) So any ideas? I'm so excited for Christmas! I think I might take up wood carving and see if I can manage to not suck at that; otherwise, I'll get bored soon after and just buy gifts. Anyway.

The Valley

2008-10-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

I recognize the stages. It starts out with slight discrepancies in my organization and preparedness; an assignment that gets forgotten about until just days before, showing up late for class, a messy room, papers everywhere except where they should be. . . . Then, slowly, slowly it progresses, until, at the first major peak of assignments, responsibilities, deadlines, my life erupts.

I had tried to ignore this when I saw it coming weeks ago. I lied to myself that it was the late nights that were making it suddenly hard to get out of bed. I ignored the spiritual slippery-slope, the shucked responsibilities, even the apathetic dullness that seemed to have thickened over my motivation to do much of anything, even keep up with good friends.

The pattern is the same. I have a lot to do, but can't concentrate on anything; I just want to hide away and run for sleep's cover. I inevitably miss a deadline or two. I get behind, and I can't bear the idea of the look I know I will see in my professors' dissecting eyes, the tone I will hear in their voices and their slicing words. I can't bear to face my failure, and I slowly remove myself from the lives of all but those I care most about. I exult mere musings of isolation into a reality I have chosen and created over the course of a few short weeks. I feel next to nothing, except shame and despondency, and although I can still enjoy a good friend's joke, I feel as though made out of cardboard. I lose even a desire to eat, but I eventually do so out of boredom or the sheer logic of necessity. I sabotage myself before anyone else can, and I hide away from people in general in order to avoid the disappointed, accusing stares of those who have relied on me and whom I have let down, or those who see me as a tremendous, sad waste of potential. I get stuck in this cyclical mindset, and I drag myself further, further, deeper down into a pit.

I haven't made it through all of these phases of the descent yet, but I have certainly started through the progression. It worries me. It scares me.

I don't have time for another deep depression. I don't have time for a minor one. I'm not prepared for the emotional, physical, educational, social, and spiritual tolls of this.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope this isn't another bout of depression.

Apathy has got a hold on me now . . .

2008-10-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

1. What's my mood like right now?
"Deadwood Mountain" - Big & Rich
Kind of depressing.

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
"Dead Wrong" - The Fray
Greattttt.

3. What kind of person am I?
"Belgium (Boy Band Mix)" - Bowling for Soup
I can only hope to be that awkward.

4. Am I loved?
"A Long December" - Counting Crows
Don't know what that means, but at least it's a good song.

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
"One-Eighty By Summer" - Taking Back Sunday
You're tellin' me . . .

6. What should I do with my life?
"My Nutmeg Phantasy" (Morello Mix) - Macy Gray
Sure.

7. What is my theme song?
"There's Only One (Holy One)" - Caedman's Call
Not my music, my brother's. . . . I like the idea, but hate the song.

8. What is my best quality?
"Centerfold" - J. Geils Band
HAHAHAHA

9. How does my sex life look?
"Radio Ga-Ga" - Queen
What?
"Valley Winter Song" - Fountaiins of Wayne
How have I never heard this song? Nice.

10. What's the meaning of life?
"For All We Know" - Nat King Cole
So life is about hedonism, once you remove the romantic aspect?

11. How do people see me?
"Fly Me to the Moon" - Frank Sinatra
So in other words, people love me so much they want to boot me into space. Well, that's exciting.

12. Would I make a good catch?
"Masterpiece" - Bayside
Hopefully that means I would, and not that I'm a staggering alcoholic.

13. How crazy am I?
"Will You Be There?" (single version) - Michael Jackson
So I'm paranoid and mistrustful?

14. Will I have a good life in general?
"The Other Side of the Hill" - Chris LeDoux
Good.

15. What do I deep down think about my friends?
"Stupid Boy" - Keith Urban
Hahaha oh no!

16. Can *hot celeb* and I ever be more than friends?
"Fall at Your Feet" - Magnet
Oh, heck no.

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
"Fly With Me" - 98 Degrees (I'm not ashamed)
Okay . . .

18. Where will I be in a year?
"Til Kingdom Come" - Coldplay
???

19. What is my biggest wish?
"Everything I Once Had" - The Honorary Title
Awesome song.

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
"Something Pretty" - Patrick Park
Oh gosh. I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like.

21. How will I die?
"One of These Days" - Tim McGraw
So, who knows, but soon? How optimistic.

22. What will happen after I die?
"lue Jeans"- Keith Urban
So wear blue jeans and remember me lol.

23. How do my friends feel about me?
"Steady at the Wheel" - Shooter Jennings
That is NOT how my friends feel about me. Jonah says, "You're not a TERRIBLE driver, for a girl." Kristyn just laughs at me when I say I'm a good driver haha.

24. What's my worst nightmare?
"Taking Care of Business" - Bachman-Turner Overdrive
I would never want to become just some suit. Desk jobs and monotony -- unless I'm writing, kindly shoot me first.

25. What would make me truly happy?
"A Boy Named Sue" - Johnny Cash
Don't think so.

26. What do you truly believe in?
"Say You Love Me or Say Goodnight" - REO Speedwagon
Haha bluntness; speaking my mind. True story.

27. What will you get arrested for?
"Sonny" - New Gound Glory
It's dark if you know the words; otherwise, maybe I'll get arrested for doing beating some poor schmuck with my purse at the grocery store as an old lady. (It's all I could think of from the title.)

28. What makes you feel the most alive?
Come Thou Fount - David Crowder Band

29. What does nobody know about you?
"One More Time - Richard Gibbs"
The bro's music, but this one doesn't make sense.
"Crying Shame" - Jack Johnson
Not much better at all.

30. The song that will define your day...
"Please Call Me, Baby" - Tom Waits
Oh, please no. Such an amazing song, though.

Random things from today . . .

2008-10-14T06:25:00.001-07:00

I'm not good with conflict, and I'm definitely not good at telling someone they're wrong, even though this needs to happen. Some things just go too far.

I'm not feeling filled up spiritually. Maybe it's because I've been missing church lately, or because I haven't been reading my Bible. (Hmmm, ya think?) Believe it or not, I actually do get something out of each of those, as much as I feel like a stereotype saying that. ;)

I have a friend who wrote recently that he has felt compelled to tell people he's been reading his Bible, praying, etc. when he hasn't been. I feel the need to do these things (really, it not only keeps me focused on something bigger than myself, but just affects me for the better in general, I think), but I don't make time.

I used to get up early in the morning, which basically gave me time to do devos before class and a lot of time to waste, too. This morning, I decided to "get up early" at 7:30 to shower and get ready for work at 9 am, but I reset my alarm for 8:20. That obviously made me rush, and I was 5 minutes late to work. This shutting off the alarm and/or resetting it thing has got to stop. I can't let myself go academically before I've even reached the middle of the semester, and it's also stealing my one time in the day when I can get refilled spiritually. Grrr. I need coffee, because I am grumpy today, and all of my frustrations are aimed at myself.

. . . So apparently Maya did the same thing this morning. Gosh we're sweet.

Yup

2008-10-13T23:17:00.001-07:00

I'm blessed. :) That's all for now.

How on Earth . . .

2008-10-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

. . . does a girl know when she's just fulfilling a role and when she's not? I think too much. I worry to much. I analyze too much. A more encompassing question might be, how on Earth does a girl stop over-thinking and over-complicating things? As one Saturday Night Live shrink says, "STOP IT!!!!!! STOP. IT. JUST STOP IT!!!!!!"

In other news, Encore is still happening. This Saturday at 8 and 10.

AlemaniAAAAAAAA!

2008-10-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

Someone read my blog. TWO people did. Yay for you! I think that might be a first lol. :)

P.S. Since this is my blog, even if it gags you, I'm saying it. I've got a great man. :) Apparently they grow them in Alemania. ;)

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 . . .

2008-10-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

TEN random things about me:
10. I will burn for about 3 weeks straight before I can finally start to tan, and even then, it's iffy.
9. I'm an aggressive driver, and I will road-rant half jokingly (although that is not a word).
8. I'm a grammar nut. Seriously, I love proofreading. My dream job would either be teaching middle and high school kids (I'd love to have a class based less on literature and more on how to write a paper for all their other classes, including science papers!) or doing some sort of copy writing for the Indianapolis Colts.
7. I can't pay attention to anything for too long without getting bored. I don't have a favorite color, a favorite song, a favorite outfit, a favorite . . . anything. I switch genres of foods, music, television shows, and anything else that gets monotonous in my life from time to time.
6. I analyze pretty much everything. I evaluate everything. I'm always assessing where I'm at and where I could or should be at. And I really like to go deep. One of my spiritual strengths is my intentionality.
5. I'm a farm girl. I love farming, cattle, animals, and the gorgeous scenery that you just can't find in the city. But, I love the architecture, art, not-for-profits, and the general sense of community that can be found in the city if you look in the right places, too. :)
4. I really value my independence. REALLY.
3. I'm pretty flippant, but I have a hefty guilt complex (crippling, sometimes).
2. I'm an ESFP -- a "performer," but I'd say that it makes me an introspective, talkative, communal, compassionate, eager-to-please, empathetic individual. It doesn't have to be so shallow.
1. I am a tomboy. I love football, especially the Colts. :) I love rugby. I love to lift, and I have the man arms to prove it. I have "car hormones." And, I guess I fancy myself a "tough girl," even though I have no pain tolerance. All that said, coffee, chocolate, cooking, bubble baths, and shopping (window shopping because I'm in college) all make me happy, too. :)

NINE ways to win my heart:
9. Be adventurous. Try new things, be active, and encourage me to try new things, too. Do stuff that's out of the norm (especially outdoor things!).
8. Be unique, and spur on my own uniqueness. Have opinions that aren't based on everyone else around you, but don't just obsess over ideas and the more active parts of life, either. Challenge me to think about new ideas in a positive, encouraging way, not cramming anything down my throat, and help me avoid getting stuck in my own head and missing out on life.
7. Be blunt with me, but don't be a jackass. I may get really irritated when someone talks to me like my dad does (in a way that makes me feel almost attacked), but sometimes, that honest, obtuse approach is needed. I value that thousands of times more than constant, sentimental agreement.
6. Be comfortable in your own skin -- not arrogant or stuck in your ways, but definitely okay with who you are.
5. Encourage me!!!!!! Challenge me to be the best I can be all the time, and ENCOURAGE me to reach that potential, especially when I'm struggling.
4. Accept me unconditionally. It's such a weird feeling to experience, but I appreciate it. That's not to say that you can't challenge me, though.
3. Ask me how I'm doing spiritually. Be open and transparent with me. Tell me how you're doing. Walk with me in my spiritual journey, and invite me allong into yours. Be sincere. Don't allow me to accept mediocrity.
2. Let me know that I'm significant, that I'm valued. I don't always feel that way.
1. When I'm looking away, recognize when 1) I'm being ADD; 2) I'm upset, but don't want or need (or have the time) to go into it; and 3) I'm upset and don't want to go into it, but I need to go into it regardless of my desire to tough it out. Don't force me, because I can be pretty guarded. Ask me the tough questions, though, and stick around for the answers. Ask because you care, and be my shoulder to cry on when I can't help but break down. If you are that "somewhere" that I can actually go to, it will mean a lot.

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8. Live out my idealism. Really live a life of service and advocacy. See the face of God in people from all walks of life (rich and poor, all ages, genders, races, sexual orientations, religions, etc.), even when I struggle to see the hand of God in their situations.
7. Learn to dance like normal people. :) (My upper body is as inflexible as a block of ice.)
6. Reconcile with the boy who taught me to swear.
5. Take a cooking class in Italy. Take a ballet class in Paris. Become graceful (pound some fluidity into my body, and hammer out some of that clumsiness). Learn to paint, to write better, to capture the beautiful melancholy of life in photographs. Help coach a football team. Attend a Colts game. (This is way more than 8 in 1 question.)
4. To be and become an exciting, challenging, encouraging, and great teacher. To be a loving, compassionate, sexy partner and wife to some great guy . . . someday. To create the marriage I've always wanted to see from others: a steadfast, mutually-encouraging, healthy, and dynamic marriage. To be an affectionate, encouraging, assertive (but not controlling) mother . . . someday.
3. Travel. Road trips, tent camping, backpacking, foreign countries, you name it. . . . Do exciting things. Base jump. Climb crazy cliffs. Learn how to skateboard (haha -- that would be funny to watch).
2. Learn as many languages as I can -- common languages, obscure languages, Greek- and Latin-based.
1. Experience genuine community. Make a difference in someone else's life, and know that I mattered, that I actually made a difference while I was here. Become a really great, really intentional encourager.

SEVEN ways to annoy me:
7. Don't use your turn signal, or almost hit me with your car. (My road rage is very real for the second one, but I will only yell what I think of your jerk move from inside my car.)
6. Point out all my flaws to me and make fun of me in a way that we both know is not teasing.
5. Mess with someone I love. Bad-mouth someone I love. I've been told I'm "a Mama Bear," and darned if I don't think that was pretty dang accurate. Also, regardless of whether I know the target or not, I hate it when people gang up on or make fun or another person just to feel more powerful.
4. Don't let me have my independence, in one way or another. Whether it's by leaning on me for everything, whining incessantly and re-directing (and therefore smothering) all conversation, or re-defining me as your narcissistic image of yourself, just don't. Take advantage of me, whether you take advantage of my sense of moral responsibility, my need to be everyone's friend, or my passive lack of confrontation. I love being treated as a doormat (that's sarcasm, kids).
3. Try to tell me how to run my life. I don't care if you think yours is better than mine; heck, I don't care if I think yours is better than mine. I don't like my choices to be made for me.
2. Misinterpret my friendship as something more. Because I take a genuine interest in you, try to take more of me than that.
1. General haughtiness. It's really irritating.

SIX things I like:
6. variety and adventure (even though I'll fight it at first)
5. being outdoors
4. encouraging and being encouraged; deep conversations; loving through cooking
3. hot chocolate with peppermint whipped cream; cuddling :)
2. Colts football :)
1. Coffee, chocolate, hammering on the piano (my Midol)

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5. any living creature small enough to climb up my pant leg (rats/mice, bugs, spiders, stingy creatures, snakes, etc.)
4. heights and water
3. things coming too easily
2. a broken marriage; repeating mistakes
1. failure, especially letting people down; rejection

FOUR favorite items in my room:
4. my Bible
3. my gueetar
2. my great-grandparents' cedar hope chest
1. my bed

THREE things I do everyday:
3. text Jason a million times (embarrassed to say)
2. listen to my iPod
1. have a hard time getting out of bed

TWO things I want to do right now:
2. have answers . . . have more time to blog
1. hit the hay :)

ONE person I really want to see right now:
1. . . . I will see for breakfast in the morning. :) Either that, or Ken and Mary, who, as two people, would not qualify as an answer to this question.

hmm...

2008-10-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry not only about spewing clichés, but also becoming one myself.

anita has a dream . . . i just theorize

2008-10-03T15:09:00.001-07:00

old post from myspace that i thought i'd bring over here . . .

i have a theory: that being constantly reminded of and held to the sum of your flaws keeps your from rising above them. because some of these unsavory qualities can be overcome, and some will remain or even increase as time passes by. the trick is to know which ones are part of you and stick with you, and to know which are possible to shed completely, or to considerably improve upon, or merely to accept as struggles of shadows that will walk side by side with you until darkness finally separates you, frees you.

this is why unbalanced or unchecked self awareness can be dangerous. this 'awareness' is more like pointless martyrdom when its focus is solely on knowing your own flaws, because then, you lose the ability power, not the ability, to truly change and grow into the person you have the potential to be. if only i knew how to balance far-fetched optimism and plans with the weight of my shadow to peel a few layers off that load.

a poignant life

2008-10-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

things that create a beautiful melancholy (or "In hours of weariness, sensations sweet") in me . . .

*a wheat field just before harvest
*the smell of rain when you walk through wet grass
*"summertime" by ella fitzgerald & louis armstrong
*watching someone dance with talented fluidity, like they've got a secret
*the crisp air and the lights and excitement at a friday night football game
*black and white photographs
*banjo and acoustic guitar picking
*the ability to paint what you feel
*the sound of rustling leaves
*honest, hard work that leaves you tired, sweating, and hungry
*calves playing and running in their first couple months of life
*the blind, empty-headed loyalty of old cows and steers
*the way my dog sits and stares at me when i sneak outside for a cry, or the way she sits on my feet the moment i walk in the door
*hugs from a familiar old friend
*friends who understand without speaking and still talk things out anyway -- the cameraderie that we have
*hammering out frustration and turning it into joy or sorrow just by the songs i play on the piano and finding cathartic contentment
*barley fields (probably the most beautiful fields ever)
*fresh spring grass on bare feet
*fresh spring wheat
*racing my dog to the mailbox
*mental photographs
*the familiarity of the flattest farmland anywhere
*earning my blisters and scars
*the feeling once the cattle are IN the trailer (seriously)
*walking around the livestock exchange at auction day
*driving by myself with the radio blaring and the windows down, and singing as loudly and terribly as i can at the top of my lungs
*a beautiful song that makes me feel like i'm alone on the road when i'm in my apartment
*peers who surprise me by caring like friends
*architecture
*tears of happiness
*uncut alfalfa fields
*my great grandpa's shop and its smell
*puzzles with my grandpa aldrich
*sawdust and the smell of cow manure
*rodeos
*the sound of a river
*fairs, with the midway, the kids (so proud of their animals), the STEERS, the calves, getting ready for show, the ducklings . . .
*writing something that still sounds good later (a rarity)
*a friend's passion for the hungry and for heaven on earth and social justice
*just floating next to the boat on the lake
*picking raspberries and feeding them to george, the donkey
*catching wild kittens and "tamin' 'em down"
*opening up the jet ski (the slower one, of course, lol) and catching a wave that totally soaks me
*the startling emergence of carpet when i clean my room
*knowing that someone appreciates me
*conversations where i get to hear my brother's wisdom & share what i hope to be my own
*sisterhood in faith
*BRONNER'S & the bavarian inn a couple days after thanksgiving
*Robert Frost, Maya Angelou, Homer, and William Wordsworth
*long lists that no one else will probably read ;)
*mercy & grace, compassion
*tent camping, or even better, sleeping out under the stars
*my extra family (i still need to go buy an MSU football)
*the cut river overpass
*freshly mowed grass
*that dirt layer that gets on the bottom of my jeans after just an hour outside at SpringHill
*The Hill & The Hill Beyond The Hill
*the taste of the first snow and the silence that accompanies a snowstorm out in the country
*that green color of spring that disappears for the rest of the year
*SpringHill lovin'
*the smell of mud and new grass and partially decayed leaves in the spring
*seeing an old friend's face again
*hearing a band that sounds like an old friend
*the smell of sweat and mud and grass stains after a football game
*Christmas lights
*stars at SpringHill (they're just so clear up there)
*helping someone that needs it
*sharing in suffering
*saying ridiculous and random things
*the sound at the coco craft barn bridge
*sticking my legs into a natural spring all the way up to my knees
*"secret" bridges
*wood cabins
*no electricity
*bootle feeding a calf
*bedding down pens with calves in them! haha
*the fact that my cousin TJ talks just like our dads
*praying to God as the wind whisks tree leaves around and around
*that great, familiar, musty smell of our cabin when we first get there
*great conversations about theology over the phone at 1 am
*ice cream & fried cauliflower w/ the "kintuck" friends
*walking the streets of ann arbor and "awkward teepee" in the middle of the sidewalk
*man fires
*belaying huge old men lol
*trying Greek food for the first time and getting sick (who knew that the lamb came with the ribs still sticking out of it? not me!)
*popsicles in the summer
*big goofy grins from friends when something is funny
*friends who laugh at my sad attempts to be funny
*that great feeling of getting the most out of your muscles when you run on legs that are really tight but never actually cramp up (amazing)
*encouraging & being encouraged
*runner's euphoria (terrifying the first time)
*running outside during a tornado warning
*playing with hair & having mine played with
*teaching 4-year-olds how to play football (make that attempting)
*"green tea to help you sleep" and staying up all night in a camper beside the walnut tree
*sleeping outside all night in sleeping bags & keeping the fire going on our own in 4th grade . . . we were so proud
*kids with special needs
*older people
*Dove dark chocolate
*cooking for loved ones
*a friend who sticks up for you when you least expect it
*four leaf clovers and my sisters that go along with them
*trees and moss
*hobo dinners & hobo pies (different things)
*my plastic tractor, my bamboo bowl, and letters from cherished friends -- not the momentos, but the love behind them
*falling asleep to the sound of a heartbeat
*taking care of people
*the sound of people's breathing as they fall asleep ;)
*"wrist zapper things"
*unconditional acceptance
*hugs from loved ones
*blatant honesty that springs from intimacy
*the essence of fall and the way it captures the memory of a bygone friend
*cider, donuts, crunchy leaves, ridiculous squirrels, hayrides, bonfires, and sweatshirts and blankets at games in the fall
*forgiveness
*great-grandmothers-in-law ;)
*grandfatherly friends :D
*"DID I MISS 60B? DID I MISS 60B?!!!!!"
*http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/You%27ve_Got_Mail
*"Whudjyou DO?!!!"

i could go on and on . . .

Let's put it this way -- I wouldn't read it.

2008-09-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

Stephanie and Melissa hurried into the little shop out of the rain, shaking the drops off their umbrellas as they stood inside the doorway. Outside, cars sprayed through puddles as shoppers ran to their destinations. The American students watched a woman in a red overcoat try to hail a taxi with her arms full of packages and an umbrella in one hand, but the cab sped on by in spite of her clumsy efforts.
   The warm glow of the lamps, the homey fireplace, and the enticing smell of coffee and cinnamon scones welcomed the girls, drawing them in from the cold toward the back of the shop. They walked up to the counter and stood in the queue to order. In spite of the cold that was inherent in St. Andrews rainstorms, several customers crowded toward the counter. One man in a grey trench coat glared sullenly at the ground, fervently running his hand through his long, brown hair. Stephanie stared at the drops as they fell into a pool at either side of the man’s feet.
   “How much editing do you still have to do?” asked Melissa. Stephanie looked up.
   “I have about five pages left. This class has so much more work for it than my English classes back in Terre Haute do,” she replied, “but I guess I kind of expected that when I decided to study here.”
   “I know what you mean,” said Melissa in a crisp Connecticut accent. “I have so many more papers to write here for my history classes compared to back home.”
   “It’s hard sometimes to adjust to everything here,” Stephanie confided to her friend. “It’s not just the coursework, either. It’s everything; even the weather. I mean, look at us. We’re soaked.” Her voice grew in intensity as her curly, red ponytail bounced emphatically. “My pants are so wet right now!” She practically yelled the last part.
   All around the room, the voices lulled, and dozens of eyes trained on the girls. Standing ahead of them, a teenage boy with a pierced lip snickered, leaning in toward the girl whose hand he was holding and mumbled something to her. Melissa’s face turned a purple hue. She quickly shushed Stephanie with a loud, overdramatic whisper: “Do you know what that means here?!!!!”
   Stephanie sheepishly bowed her head as she hunched her shoulders. “What does that mean? What did you just let me say?!” she retorted angrily. All around them, people continued to watch them, idly conversing.
   Melissa, who had arrived earlier and spent more time in the Scottish pubs than studying, replied with irritation, “‘Pants’ means ‘underwear’ here! They call ‘pants’ as we know them ‘trousers.’”
   Now it was Stephanie’s turn to be embarrassed. “I had no idea!” Without thinking, she quickly looked around and yelled, “I meant trousers! I’m sorry; I’m from America!”
   A crescendo of chuckles went around the room. A woman sitting at a table near the window took a sip of tea as she smiled at Stephanie. “I’ve been there,” the woman commented to the man sitting across from her, who nodded his head. The other coffee and tea aficionados resumed their conversations.
   Outside, the rain still poured. Stephanie gazed out at the dreary sky, as she muttered, more to herself than anyone else, “I’ll bet it’s sunny right now in Indiana.”

Chocolate and coffee . . .

2008-09-16T15:41:00.001-07:00

I think I could use a good cry right now, if I had the time to recover and get back to homework, instead of having to rush back to work and plan stupid rush stuff. Yes, I'm very bitter right now.

Losing it again rant . . .

2008-09-16T14:45:00.001-07:00

I hate Agathos and rush week. It's becoming a colossal waste of my time.

It bugs me when I try to be responsible and call in to make sure I can get work off, and then I have to bring my cold groceries in to work because one of my co-workers decided not to show up or have the integrity to call.

Carryover

2008-09-13T22:12:00.001-07:00

That conversation last night made some really great echoes today.

I didn't feel comfortable answering every question at the full level of thought and analysis that I put into formulating, or at least exploring an answer. I don't know if I can and should wisely go that deep with someone after so short a time. I tried to be as open as I felt comfortable to be; plus, I didn't want to answer the most intimate questions before I first had time to reflect on them.

After four years of friendship with my living journal, we had some stuff that (I think) we finally talked about and dealt with tonight on the way back from Greenwood. I've been thinking a lot, too, about why I am so darned self-conscious. And it's a complicated answer. Instead of typing it all up here, I think I'll try to not be an emotional flasher. Sound good? Ask me in person, and I'll probably go into more detail. The basic moral of the story is that I was a mess in middle school and got rejected completely on a regular basis, and I don't really trust that I'm ever good enough. Sappy enough for you? Bleeding heart on a sleeve . . . sheesh. Anyway, I'm such a people pleaser (and a "performer" -- that's for you, Jael) that I'm always afraid I'll slip up once, and even my closest friends will want nothing more to do with me. It's like walking a tightrope for each person in my life, and trying to jump from one to the next and so on.

And that's about all. Gotta hit the hay, 'cause I got church tomorrow. :) (Today.)

Friday.....

2008-09-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

I really don't appreciate people enough. Someone asked me tonight why I feel so bad about talking so much, and I think it's that I don't really get the chance to be a good listener when I'm always running my mouth (and sometimes just running my mouth off). I like to listen; I just like the interaction of talking and listening, of listening and responding. I just sometimes get so lost in the little stories I have for EVERYTHING that I don't get back to listening. It seems very self-centered to me, and I don't like it. Plus, I'm usually genuinely interested, and I think being genuinely interested in other people (without being nosy) is always a good thing to embrace.

I also realized something else tonight. While telling a story, I said something negative about someone I really care a lot about. I don't know if that's based on this dumb idea I have in my head about how truly knowing and loving someone requires a thorough, equal acquaintance with both their best qualities and their faults, but I'm starting to think that's just crap. But then again, I don't know if I believe that, either. I just don't like the idea of something negative rolling off my tongue so lightly, so effortlessly. Maybe it's time to start making an effort not only to hold those things in, but to ignore them completely. This is something I always come back to. Anyway.

Well, I'm going to sleep now. Hot showers are amazing; now hopefully I'll fall asleep quickly.

Hmm.

2008-09-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how many people came to be believers because people directly disobeyed Jesus about not telling anyone after he performed some sort of miracle for them? I wonder if things would have turned out differently if they had kept quiet. Random thought.

Favorite Lines . . .

2008-09-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

These would have to be my favorite lines from my favorite poem. I wrote them down because we were studying the poem today in British Lit.

In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,

Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart;

And passing even into my purer mind,

With tranquil restoration: -- feelings too

Of unremembered pleasure . . .

How can anyone not love that?

Thoughts from Chapel

2008-09-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Am I a nerd if I say that I really enjoy chapel this year? I mean, granted, I would rather be sleeping before I get there, but I think that's just a part of life. :) So here are some things that struck me from Dr. Lyle's chapel talk today.

"What's the opposite of doing your own thing? Following and submitting to someone else." Why is it that, in following the crowd, submission is rarely mentioned or minded? If we can submit so easily to people, at times not even realizing it, then shouldn't we do the same to God just as easily? But if this is harder, then I guess we're following others less than we realize and ourselves more than we take credit for.

I'm not good at submission. I don't care for it. I'm fairly independent, incredibly headstrong, and I don't like to allow someone else to superimpose their values and beliefs onto my conduct. This is true of God as much as anyone. I hate the mention of that word in conjunction with obedience. I guess it has a different flavor to it that I don't particularly care for. I guess I don't realize just how much I follow myself and blow off God in what he wants -- even what he wants for me. Something to take better notice of.

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday!

2008-09-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't actually seen that movie, so I hope that line didn't excite anyone. I know it from "You've Got Mail." Absolutely the best chick flick of all time. ("I love New York in the fall. It makes me want to go buy bouquets of freshly-sharpened pencils.") It's quirky. But I'm getting away from the point.

I think I'm going to take a Sabbath on Thursdays. Because half of Sundays are spent in homework, and I need a break from everything in the middle of the week more than at the end/beginning of the week. I don't feel like I can step away from my responsibilities with Agathos tonight, but I might just need this. I'm kind of withering on the vine lately. And that's just not okay. So I may or may not be around tonight; more than likely I'll try to hang out with my brother and get my life back in order at my house (aka God time and cleaning this stinkin' -- not literally -- room!). But for now, I'm just getting ready for chapel and class. :) Adios!

Addendum

2008-09-11T06:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, and I blame all of those pre-medders and everybody else who got married this summer for making the rest of us talk relationships now. ;P Haha seriously, marriage is more catching around here than a cold. :)

Club Dead

2008-09-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

So apparently Ferris Bueller took the night off. I know -- incredibly cheesy. But I was really hoping that some of the many people I had talked to would show up for the movie tonight. It's getting hard to focus on the people who do show up when I realize that we've been in this same boat for the past three years; it's a boat that's got a hole in it. I just don't know how to fix it.

In other news, being a girl sucks sometimes. Majorly.

I had a nightmare last night involving Cody and Joe. I've kind of been worrying about giving Joe's guys the wrong impression about the two of us since I stopped by one day with a bunch of food and stuck around in his apartment to talk. I know it's corny, but I don't want to put him in an awkward position. Anyway, in this dream, Cody was really mad at me and just let into me, telling me that I was embarrassing myself, that Joe didn't want to hang out, that he thought I liked him romantically, but didn't feel like he could tell me how uncomfortable I was making him feel. And Toad also told me that I had a reputation for doing this sort of thing. I think Joe might have confirmed it in the dream, but I don't remember. I just remember running away, oddly enough in Chicago while on my Social Problems trip that will take place in November.

I can say that this is my biggest fear right now. I don't want to use "Jesus" or my faith as a dating tool; if anything, I have received a call to die, not a call to date and marry. I honestly just feel like there are a bunch of people (and lately, they have all been guys, although I've been praying for God to show me WOMEN who need community, too) my age and a little older who are stuck here in Anderson feeling alone and feeling older than they really are. It just seems like, hey, I like giving hospitality, I like cooking for people, hanging out, easing stress if I can. And he, I kind of understand the frustration that comes when nobody seems to want to go deeper, and I know that loans and jobs and deadlines make one an adult, but not old. We can talk about this stuff and understand each other. I figure that 2+2 equals 4, and it's that simple. (That probably only makes sense in my head.) It's the one area of my life in which I feel especially called right now, and it's not limited to men or to women. I don't want this to cause frustration or to tarnish the reputation, however, of my brother or any of these parts of the growing community that seems to have sprung up around me.

Granted, I think my faith and my personality should be the tools I use to evaluate everything in my life, but I don't want to let my "faith walk" become a superficial one, forgetting that my faith is the end I'm seeking and not the means to some other end. I want to be, I am a woman of faith, seeking to grow in integrity, compassion, community, and hospitality, among other things. Does this mean stepping back? Finding women who are lonely and ministering to them instead? Am I Lena Lingard? I hope not.

And maybe I'm a bit too serious, more than a bit too analytical. I think that anyone who wrote that last part (the list . . . integrity, compassion, yada yada yada) might be taking themselves a bit too seriously. I'm human. I'm going to screw things up (it's a special talent I have, like breaking the chandelier at my hair appointment for my mom's wedding). I'm great at knowing what to do and doing otherwise; I'm great at doing the opposite, too. I just don't know. "Without your love, I'm not a full human being."

That's all I've got for tonight. Sorry if it's a little disconnected or distracted. I'm really tired. Dang it, and I hate blogs that dwell on dating/marriage. Oh, well. Had to get a few things out. (Blogs: the American dream and the American pastime of non-confrontation. What is wrong with us? And why do I fall into that so easily?)

Beauty in the Breakdown

2008-09-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

My friends and fellow Agathos members are great. :) We got our rush packet in barely on time, but we still made it. And we didn't make big signs, but we hung our fliers almost all over campus with Scotch tape -- before I got the email that all posters put up with any tape other than masking tape will be taken down. You just have to laugh at that.

My other friends are pretty stellar, too. I realize now more than ever, though, that most of my friends my age, the ones that I'm closest to or invite over the most, are guys. Which seems pretty unhealthy to me. It's not that I don't really like having friends who are girls; is there some statistic that tells how many girls versus guys come back for a fifth year, etc.? I really don't meet too many girls my age around campus. And I guess I haven't been investing in the ones I do know. Is it possible that I'm a female misogynist? I've been told that before, but I thought I was really outgrowing it. I don't want to become this woman who ministers to men only, basically giving away or stealing intimacy through those interactions. I can't really convey this into words very well. Basically, I don't want to be emotionally promiscuous with men. And I don't want my friendships to ever be forced into anything else. I need more women in my life. That's my conclusion. *shrug*

Rush is going well enough, I guess. No one showed up tonight, but I kind of didn't expect them to. I think our biggest two nights will be the Wii-for-All (I love Debbie's name for that -- it still makes me laugh at the corniness) and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." This is easy to expect since we're giving away free food those nights. But it should be a good time. I'd rather just host people from campus than have some boring interest meeting anyway. But then I like some bang for my buck when it comes to my time lately. (I just realized for the first time that that phrase most likely had a shady start. Yikes.) I talked to a few guys from Boosters, and it seems that their vision is very close to ours this year; we'll probably collaborate on at least one project, I hope. I talked to another girl, Jennifer, who is thinking about rushing in general, so I told her about our club and told her to come back tomorrow and talk to Camarada, L'ami, and Alacritas (Ala-WHO?!!). I was really thinking that we could get a big rush class this year, but we've guessed that 10 will be a high number. Even if we have 10 rushees, and half of them are guys, that will be sufficient to create a little AU sub-community. That's my goal for rush.

I woke up late this morning and had to rush off to class on Beth Ann's bike (she's given me permission to use it). I didn't think about it on the way to class, but on the way back from dinner, I kept replaying the music from "The Wizard of Oz" in my head -- the scene where the neighbor rides her bike with the basket on it over to Aunt Em's house. I got back from the interest meeting that no one showed up to and crashed for what was supposed to be a half hour after that. It turned into 2.5 hours. I feel physically exhausted lately, although I don't know why. It's probably the fact that I had to deal with two Bears fans in my living room this past weekend. :D But seriously. I'm off to bed, because I'm still tired. Sheesh.

I need to start going to sleep earlier, because I haven't done morning devos in a couple weeks, I think. Booo.

Thoughts from Shabbat

2008-09-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

I just learned that Shabbat is not spelled s-h-i-b-a-t.

God has sent me what I've been praying for. :) You can ask me in person what that is and how if you want.

I'm trying to become as transparent as I can, within reasonable limits (aka not becoming excessively vulnerable to members of the opposite sex). So if you actually read this thing, feel free to ask me whatever you want. Any question. I'll try to be as honest and open as possible.

I'm so grateful for offered help from my fellow Agathos officers, friends who listen to the occasional rant, understanding roommates, and the release that comes in trusting others to actually step in and step up.

Best game to watch today (as in, most significant game): Chargers/Panthers. 4:15 pm. Also, the Steelers killed the Texans today! (I'm thrilled.) And the Titans are beating the Jags (as expected).

Jeff Saturday's knee -- what is actually up? This 007 thing is getting old. What did he actually do?

Colts game on NBC! That means Madden-Michaels!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D 8:15 pm.

Wallowing

2008-09-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

Back to this idea of maintaining. My whiny butt does have a lot to do for Agathos and for classes. But I need to stop acting like I'm the exception around here, because I feel like this is just par for the course for everybody else round here. But I got sidetracked.

Before Jael called me back tonight, I was feeling especially . . . used up. I love encouraging people. I love cooking for them. I love talking to them. I love spending time with them. I love being in Christian community. And I love fostering that in whatever way I can. It's just that sometimes -- I can't even say lately, because this just snuck up on me -- I feel like I'm the maintainer of relationships. Sometimes it seems like I'm the one calling over and over again, the one inviting, the one handling things in the club, the one trying to sacrifice cheerfully (and if any of you -- I use that word "you" ironically -- know me, you know that I don't really do the cheerful part of that well). I feel like I'm the one making the phone calls, sending the invitations, giving the encouragement.

Some stuff happened tonight that made me feel used, frustrated, and a whole lot of other things. I think part of what hit me so hard as I came back to Anderson was the idea that here in Anderson, the place I now call home, the place where the majority of my friends live or live near -- I have no one that seems to have really taken an interest in my maintenance. There is no network of people pouring back into me like there was at SpringHill. I'm pouring out, but I don't feel filled.

Tonight I literally became so frustrated with the ugliness that I felt in and around me that I just wanted to rip the white netting of the gorgeous dress I wore to my mom's wedding -- rip it to shreds with my bare hands. And then I heard God speak to me through the metaphor: whenever I'm angry or depressed, every time I feel attacked or cast aside or abused, I literally want to remove anything beautiful from my sight, because such things sicken me when my view of the world becomes so reviling. And this just makes the bad, worse. God used this to show me that I focus on all the bad, hiding inside it when the world around me seems especially horrible; but it's this despising worldview that makes me so queasy at focusing on God's beauty and perfection -- his grace, mercy, wisdom, love, and patience. To put it more abruptly, I wallow. I don't know what else to say about that, except that I'll try harder. God is the God who maintains me and gives me room for error and for growth because of that. Still light years away from where I wish I was.

Maintaining

2008-09-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just a temporary feeling. Maybe I really am a hypocrite. I don't know. What I do know is that every once in awhile, I really feel used up. Or maybe just used. I feel like a maintainer, to be more specific.

This week has been incredibly stressful for me. I've been trying to almost single-handedly plan Interest Week for Agathos, which doesn't really sound like much at all. Except that we have a big event EVERY FRICKIN' NIGHT this week coming up. And then I just realized that I've looked at the dates wrong, and I only have until the 8th to turn my rush packet in. As in, less than 42 hours from now. With no help whatsoever.

Anyway, Interest Week. I've been in contact with Jim Scott from the Wellness Center all week trying to reserve the Natatorium for Monday night - finally settled. I got the date wrong on that one as I was trying to hurriedly draft an email right before I left for class or the library or something important -- I forget what, exactly.

And then we need tables. Do we need tables? I don't know. I know that the other members and I have full course loads, so we don't have many hours to our names to even "work" the table. I hadn't planned on getting one, but I'm starting to think we need one, even if we're only there a few hours a day. Except that I can't find the slip of paper with the budget number to order the tables (which I tried to reserve without it -- impossible). So even if I can get a table for us for this week, there is a possibility that we won't have one for Monday, and an even bigger possibility that no one else from club will show up to sit at it and recruit.

We're having a movie night. I spent hours researching which classic drama and comedy movies (thank God there are lots of lists out there) to come up with a "short" list (almost a page long) that have minimal adult content. Hey, I guess we don't want to offend? I dunno. I sent out like 30 facebook messages with the list, and I've been compiling votes. We're having a Wii night. I still have to make sure I can reserve a Wii -- haven't had time to check yet, and I don't even have a checkbook to pay for the damn thing. Yes, all bets are off on the language tonight, kids. We're having a slip 'n slide. Buckets, soap, tarp. No checkbook. Great. We need fliers. Need to finalize reservations first. Need to design fliers, send to Printing Svcs., put money on print account, etc. Need to hang fliers. Need to notify CAB for chapel announcements. Need Swedish massage. Or 5 minutes sans thought. (I guess that's what this is for.) Need to man rush table. Oh, yeah, and recruit people in spare time. Aw, hell. Bang forehead against brick wall. Buy rush shirts. Plan rush. Write very detailed rush itinerary and turn into CAB by Monday at 5 pm. Crumple grades up into a little ball and flush directly down the toilet. Stop being so damn dramatic. Stop whining/making excuses. Trash the dorms (take their trash out for them) every night after interest meetings. Carry out actual rush.

As for Encore stuff -- need to find music director, need to set audition dates, need to create, print, hang fliers; announce in chapels. Need to find band. Need to pay outstanding Encore balance (as in, unpaid). Fill out contracts and put down payments on this year's Encores. Reserve camcorder/buy tape from IMC. Hold auditions. Design alumni flier w/ ea. Encore date, send to alumni office for approval, get printed, pay for postage, mail out. Design fliers for campus. Print; hang. StallTalks, chapel, Andersonian. Plan street fair table in conjunction. Make DVD of album covers. Plan surprise guest(s?) -- it's a surprise. Can't tell who.

And then there's the 18 credit hours I'm taking (2 writing intensives?). Catching up reading in Intro to Lit and Social Problems. Compiling outline and finishing exercises (all due last Friday) for Fiction. (Requires observing people around campus.) Relearn subject-verb form and use of articles. ;) And the regular reading/homework for this week's classes.

I am so tired. I've actually been making decent use of my time, but this blogging thing was a preventative measure for a breakdown-freakout.

The voice of the sea

2008-09-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

The last part of this makes me think of God. The voice of the sea . . . if God swore, I think his voice would sound like this. If that makes any sense at all. Just watch the video. (Preface: There are no samurai in this film.)

How on earth?

2008-08-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

I don't understand. . . . What I think seems best is not what I see right now, and I'm holding out faith that even though what is best is not always what actually happens, it's been hitting over and over, like waves crashing over a drowning woman. I think you'll come through this time, because you're a God who is IMMENSE, and you love to come through.

Then again, how can I presume to know what's best for someone, when you're God?! I have no idea what's in your will in a specific scenario unless you've revealed it to me. What I do know is that you will be faithful regardless of the outcome, and that your love will heal, if it's allowed to.

Do we really need to keep repeating these same lessons? Is it possible that something was missed before that must be learned now?

Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held . . .

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

I'm watching. We're all watching for you, Abba.

The Bridge -- oddly enough, a reflection I had AT the Bridge

2008-08-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sitting in church today, I had this thought: Are we really, genuinely willing to die for Christ in America, in our big, suburban churches, with our huge, spectacular worship teams, our comfortable chairs and air conditioning?

Do we need to become the persecuted church in order to live out our faith with the same passion and intensity that is found in the persecuted church? Less is asked of us here; maybe that's why it's so hard for me to look at church sometimes. I've been taught that you generally get what you pay for (unless you're just paying for a name). Is a faith that costs me less really the faith that I'm supposed to take hold of?

This is my conclusion: I don't know if I would actually die for Christ. I'm ready and willing and committed to laying down my former life; I'm in process of that. As for whether or not I would physically suffer and die for Christ in service and devotion to my Abba, I just really don't know. I hope I would; I think that staying on this path I'm on is enough right now. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there. In the meantime, walking the path is necessary, because you have to take the path to get to the bridge, right? So for now, I'm living in the moment, committed to walking on.

2008-08-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today that I am the woman who rained her tears on Jesus' feet, wiping them away with her own hair. I am that desperate, scared, ashamed woman.

Sometimes I am that woman who spoke to the messias himself at the well, understanding in spite of my naïveté and ignorance; I am the rejected one that he chose.

Sometimes I am the prophetess who kneels, waiting, in the temple for my savior, knowing in my heart that he will show up and do big things.

Sometimes I am the woman in the crowd, only crying out for help on the inside, too ashamed to reveal myself to anyone, even my Lord.

Sometimes I am the woman who opens her heart and her home warmly to love those who are struggling. Sometimes I am uncomplaining, like Mark's mother; other times, I feel unappreciated or overburdened, like Martha.

Sometimes I sit at the feet of my savior and lean on his every word.

Sometimes I try to whisk my Lord away to the places I think he should be, not understanding his close love for those I do not consider my family or friends.

I am all the women in the Bible; their stories graft an allegory of my life. I'll bet I'm the men, too. :T (haha)

2008-08-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

I miss her every fall. Tonight, when we were discussing something-or-other, someone mentioned her floor. My floor, but a year later, when it no longer belonged to either of us.

I always get this weird, unexplainable feeling when I think about that floor and the new people in there only months later. It's a tiny, nagging, hollow feeling, and my head tells my heart that that floor was not mine to mourn; that she was theirs to mourn and not mine; like I had given up so much by moving out and on.

Regardless. I miss her. There's no such thing as a fall in Anderson without Keren -- maybe that's why I miss her, because it's times like these that I still feel her here.

I serve a God of delights :)

2008-08-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

The God in my friends (namely the two who co-wrote this song) amazes me -- the same God I worship and serve. Sometimes I think that God and I have a pretty good, pretty deep thing going on, and then he lets a scale fall from my eye and astounds me with delight in his Spirit and the huge possibilities that come with this faith and grace I've been given. If that sounds a bit too cliché, well, then, please, by all means, stop reading. I'm done anyway. :)

I serve a God that's much more delectable than chocolate and coffee. And to a woman, that's BIG. :D

Definition

2008-08-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

I guess joy is remembering the satisfaction of the good events of the day. I made friends with a bunny last night. I got my last class added today. I met repeatedly with unexpected kindness and graciousness. I had Rally's fries, and I had ice cream and some good conversation with a friend. I put together a new lamp and a new bookcase, so my room can be cleaned once again (tomorrow). Life is good. God is good.

Uncomfortable difficulty

2008-08-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

Right now, I feel like I'm wearing clothes that are way too tight, and I just want to wiggle right out of them. It's so hard for me to sit back, to give space to those who need it, and not feel cast aside. Two weeks of this, and I'm just plain antsy to reconnect. I am an extrovert; with few friends yet in Anderson, I struggle with this. I feel torn between needing people around and not wanting to take up too much of anyone's free time. I feel both guilty and hurt. I don't want to be that lecherous person who is always hanging around, draining everyone with her dependence, but man is it hard for me to be able to bear under-stimulation and a lack of community.

I wish I were more outgoing, but the truth of the matter is, the moment I meet someone new, the former is how I feel all the time. I feel like an intruder, or extremely socially awkward, or incredibly old. I feel, in college, now, like the college kid who never left the high school parties and group of friends -- the person that just needs to move on with her life. It's just that, I'm HERE, in limbo, waiting to move on, but still here in Anderson for another whole year. Eh, who knows?

I've just started reading Winesburg, Ohio (© 1996 W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.), written by Sherwood Anderson for 20th Century American Lit. (It has the earliest publishing date of all the books, so I'm just hoping that I picked the right one to start with.) In the introduction, "The Book of the Grotesque," the author writes:

That in the beginning when the world was young there were a

great many thoughts but no such thing as truth. Man made the

truths himself and each truth was a composite of a great many

vague thoughts. All about in the world were the truths and they

were all beautiful . . .

It was the truths that made the people grotesques. The old man

had quite an elaborate theory concerning the matter. It was his

notion that the moment one of the people took one of the truths to

himself, called it his truth, and tried to live his life by it, he became

a grotesque and the truth he embraced became a falsehood.

(Anderson 6-7)

Do the ideals and ideas we use to frame our lives around reality actually cloud, instead of clarifying the truth we seek? Can we take something too far, trust in something so much that we warp it to our own reality? Is it possible to believe something we've read or been told or come up with ourselves and add more credibility to it (in our minds) than there was in the first place?

I don't know if my perceptions are accurate or not. I may be entirely off base, right on target, or only partially right. I do know that I've placed great stock in these perceptions; most might argue that that's an understatement. It's why I'm so shy around new people, why I have a hard time allowing acquaintances to become friends, and such success with the reverse (if you can call that success). I'm constantly plagued by these feelings of awkwardness and intrusion. And yet, I'm equally cursed (and blessed!) with a need to be in community. But just maybe, I can and should let some of the reliability I've forced into these "truths" diffuse out of that tight, little box.

Back to that Sherwood idea, I think we do allow ourselves to destroy small "truths," what I would actually call brief bursts of insight, by dragging them out, destroying their very shape and texture as we display them proudly (or in the very least, under mantric compulsion) on our shelves and write them into our internal constitutions. At least, I know I do.

Thought for the MBT

2008-08-26T16:33:00.001-07:00

Maybe this Myers-Briggs thing really has something. Every time I come away from people and end up spending most of my time to myself again, I go through this sort of emotional (and sometimes even spiritual) low. I need time with people in my day. Every day.

How do I take hold of a "personal" faith? Should I? How should this look?

2008-08-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was really amazed by this song when it hopped across my iPod today and jumped right out at me. I think this is my new favorite song. I was just thinking today that, the deeper I get in my faith, and the farther I push along, the more confused I seem to become. Where did all the answers go? It seems that the only answer I have found lately is, "Patience. Peace; be still, and know that I am God," as more questions boisterously hustle out of an elevator in my thoughts. (They throw elbows.)

Anyway, the song is called "Your Love Is Better Than Life," and it's sung by the Newsboys, but I'd like to say written under the influence of the Spirit. Here goes:

"(Your love is better than life)

"I dunno nothin' that I haven't been taught

I dunno why I was born into the family I've got

I dunno if I ever had an original thought

Maybe not, maybe so, maybe later, I dunno

"I dunno how I can end a prayer and turn on a friend

I dunno what I was thinkin' when I just pressed send

I dunno why I still criticize the things I dunno

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, but this one thing I know

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I'm just a broken machine

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love it's just a mindless routine

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I'm in another free fall

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I've got nothing at all

"I dunno what goes down the moment we die

Do we get halos and harps? Do we sleep? Do we fly?

I dunno how, when, and why this world will finally end

Speculation's gonna grow, who knows best? I dunno

"I dunno if I should push ahead or stop and grieve

I lie awake and wonder how to make a city believe

I dunno when it's a ministry and when it's a show

Maybe neither, maybe both, I dunno, but this one thing I know

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I'm just a broken machine

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your touch I'm not a full human being

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

If I should ever leave, where would I go?

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

I look to you 'cause you're the lover of my soul

"Here's to the lover of my soul

Here's to the lover of my soul

"I dunno when to walk away or stand to fight

Just when I got it wrong, I'm sure I heard you right

And when my arguments are watertight

You expose every hole with a flash and a flood

"And I know I hear you call in the eye of the storm

And I know you had my back since the day I was born

Still stuck in my heart, still stirrin' my head

You're my pillar of fire, you're the wine, you're the bread

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I'm just a broken machine

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love it's all a mindless routine

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I'm in another free fall

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Without your love I've got nothing at all

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

I dunno nothin' that I haven't been taught

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

I dunno how I was born into the family I've got

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

I dunno if I ever had an original thought

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

Maybe not, maybe so, maybe later, I dunno

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

I dunno when I've got it right or wrong

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

I dunno how I can wrap it in a four-minute song

YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE

But I know my grip is better when I'm not hanging on

Your love is making us strong all along

Your love is better than life"

I've been thinking a lot about transparency, about mercy, about leadership and Agathos, and about accountability lately. I've been thinking about where I fall short (don't get me started), where I need to be, how I can get there, and how to take hold of grace unselfishly.

The striking thing about Agathos is our four pillars: passion, humility, service, and depth. These are not directly and separately translated into specific, individual events for Agathos, because it's difficult to have those broad goals front and center in an explicit capacity. I know that we cherish diversity; desire to grow in hospitality; seek to honor each other through encouragement and mutual respect; and hold a commitment to serve each other, our campus, and our local and global world through our time and finances. I know that we fall short in these things. But I was focused on the four pillars today as I evaluated my own leadership in Agathos.

I guess I honestly don't have much true passion for my faith, in all honesty. I care about my faith, about serving and obeying God, but when push comes to shove, all that caring doesn't amount to passion. I want to take hold of this passion, but my faith and passion both waver so feebly at times.

I have a depth of intent, but I don't follow through. I have a shallow, farcical actuality. But if I have those ideas for how to grow closer, is that enough of a start to move from? I am trying. I need spiritual accountability and encouragement. God has always been, is, and will always continue to be faithful, at least this much I do know.

I have plenty of guilt, but I have little humility, just shame. I don't think this shame and guilt over what I've done and haven't done, who I've been and haven't been, is healthy. Also, it's so hard to focus on God around other people. I'm such a ridiculous people pleaser that I focus on everything and everyone else but God. I rarely feel like I'm actually connecting into God as well as I should lately, and I often doubt if I'm in tune enough to really know his voice. Sometimes I feel like I'm stepping off a cliff edge in the dark where there may or may not be a rope bridge.

Sometimes I worry that I might seem more together than I am, losing all vulnerability and authenticity when I know the right answers (sometimes), but just can't seem to put them together for myself. Other times, I'm afraid to be vulnerable (I've got some ugly stuff) for fear that it's too much for others to handle. It has been in the past. I'm afraid that opening up will have the effect of just dumping my baggage on another person, instead of just opening it up to let some light in on it. I struggle to find balance in authenticity and vulnerability with men, since I fear building unhealthy emotional intimacy. This is an area of my life that I'm really praying about lately.

I talk about service, and I desire to serve, but my attitude is so negative and selfish when I actually do serve (whether or not I even realize I'm serving at the time). I've let others become a hassle to me when the Savior I follow based his entire ministry on others. I don't follow his example; I'm selfish and mismanaging of my time; my faith is a personal one, full of "personal" evaluation, etc. I don't love myself; I try, but is this really supposed to be my aim? Sometimes I really doubt it. Is my life supposed to be aimed inward, or should I allow that to progress in God's hands as I focus my life outward? Do we heal to serve, or serve to heal? How active in this healing process are we, and how much of our attention should be focused on our own healing? I know that I will always be healing from something, always in process, so my hope is that I don't get lost trying to focus on that and lose sight of the mission to others.

I have no real answers to these bigger questions. I don't know if hearing the answer is really what I need, because these are the kinds of questions that are answered through the experience of a close walk with Christ and attentiveness to God's faithfulness. I have decided, though, that my goal for this year, first and foremost, is to take hold of and maintain zesty saltiness. Because my light shines before others by my deeds and words, but I want salt first -- that depth of faith and level of passion and commitment that can't be seen. Good salt and bad salt look the same; sometimes true faith and humility can be matched in appearance by a manufactured faith. I want saltiness that bears fruit and light. And that kind of faith can't help but be expressed in word and deed. (Matthew 5:13-16; Ephesians 2:8-9; James 2:22, 26)

Coming soon . . . 2 Kings 6:1-7:20, but I need to make my bed and get some sleep, pronto.

Things I Like . . .

2008-08-24T19:38:00.001-07:00

I really like Quinn Gray's long pass to Devin Aromashodu. I like Victor Worsley's hustle for his big size, and I like to watch him tackle across a stiff-arm. I like the comical duo of Emmitt Smith and Marshall Faulk. I like it a LOT when Jeff Saturday isn't hurt. I like that Bob Sanders, Dwight Freeney, and Marvin Harrison had game time today after major injuries. I like Jamie Silva, but I really, really want to cut his hair, because it looks like he's working on dreads but hasn't made it there yet. I really like Courtney Roby. I like how Mike Hart keeps pushing after a bad 40 time leading up to Draft Day and even today, a fall while carrying the ball. I like how Quinn Gray gave God the credit after he threw the first touchdown pass for the Colts tonight. I like the Michael Strahan commercial about Eli Manning, and I imagine that he and Eli Manning had a chuckle at it. I also like the fact that Dominic Rhodes is back (heck yeah!). I like that Marlin Jackson went to Michigan and still does a fantastic job (haha). I like knowing that many of our players have a faith to support them through injuries and great plays, and a network of friends, co-workers, and partners in faith to lift them up in prayer and encouragement when they need it. I like the fact that we're the underdogs again, because it gives Colts fans a chance to show some real support through good times and hard times, and because our guys can focus on playing the next game without too premature Super Bowl hoopla to distract them. This can be a really great year for the Colts, regardless of "an iffy Colts performance."

To jump, or not to jump?

2008-08-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

There's something that God may be calling me to do, and now I'm having second thoughts. It's something I've been praying for for awhile, but it requires a level of vulnerability to which I'm not accustomed. I don't know if I actually want to do this now; my flesh is eyeing the door as my spirit holds out for more confirmation. It's ironic, really, that only yesterday I decided I would split my week up into groups of prayers for each day, because otherwise my prayers cast so wide a net that they take forever (usually on into sleep time). I'm lightly begrudging the fact that now my calendar glares the words "Encouragement/Unity, Roommates, Middle Agers, Community, Family, Accountability" at me from across the room. Grr. Sometimes I am not the most willing worker in the Fields. But I guess this is where Christianity starts to smart a little bit, costing me something that wants to stay in my hand, something I sometimes want to keep in my hand.

I think I've been looking for something easier. There's a chance that serious trouble might come of this, but then again, Goliath could have pulverized David if David's errand had not come from God himself. Who knows? But I'm still longing for confirmation so I don't jump prematurely or without God's urging.

Digging deeper

2008-08-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

So lately my blog entries have been pretty boring, just lists of the day's happenings. I transferred my blog from livejournal onto here today, and the difference in material between this past summer and maybe a year before immediately struck me. Anyway, hopefully I can put a little more time and a lot more thought into this . . . but first of all:

Debbie,

Fight the Fire, Don't Fear It

2008-08-20T01:09:00.000-07:00

Throw on the tie that strangles my neck
Chasin' these dreams, sayin' I'm blessed
But the stone is crackin'
The rails are laughin' at me

'Cause I'm dancing with the gods
Runnin' from the fire
I've been chasing the light
But I lost my desire
Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way

High class and false civility
Parchment facade of joyous nobility
I walked the talk,
Broke my back for you

'Cause I'm dancing with the gods
Running from the fire
I've been chasing the light
But I lost my desire
Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way

I can't get rid of this sickening flavor
From this rotten apple that looked so delicious
You ruined my life, but now I'll return the favor to you

'Cause I'm dancing with the gods
Running from the fire
I've been chasing the light
But I lost my desire
Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way
Somewhere along the way
Yeah, I lost it along the way

MUSIC: "Cute Without the 'E'

MOOD:

LOCATION: the 101

Playing Ketchup

2008-08-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back at AU!!!!

Jael, Jonah, and I went out to Hacienda for supper last night, where Jonah mispronounced "pollo loco," I couldn't roll my R's to say "arroz" quite right, I left my keys on the table, and I miscalculated the tip and had to hand the waiter a little bit of money on the way out. Oh, yeah, and I lost my debit card AND my wallet (I'm just about to go to Hacienda, because I think it's there) because I cannot escape my ditziness. Seriously. You have no idea how irritating it is to be such a dolt sometimes.

My roommates are really nice -- Beth Ann and Debbie. It's nice living down here now, because I can refer to Beth Ann by first/middle name only, instead of using her last name and adding "my landlord/roommate" to the end. I think I'm going to paint my room green instead of yellow as long as Beth Ann's okay with it. I'm actually really excited, because I love painting.

And now I'm off to eat leftovers, the late lunch of champions. (Hopefully not the late lunch of late champions?)

I'm still praying for an accountability partner, a really good small group, and a mentor. Tall order, huh? God can handle it. And I really need the community and accountability.

End of Summer Update

2008-08-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I have four more days of work and six days total until I move back to Anderson. The old folks tell me they're going to miss me, and you know what? I think I'm going to miss them, too. :) I have to pack, clean up my house and my mom's house, move furniture, help E-man move out, basically plenty of stuff. I have to go now, though -- time to leave for work!

Maple Street

2008-06-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

I'm all moved in. I've been keeping busy with my job at the assisted living place nearby, and it tires me out. There's not too much news. My great aunt Betty died, and that's news in and of itself. It was . . . yeah. It was really sad. I want to be the kind of woman that my Aunt Betty was someday -- a feisty, loving, living-it-out Christian woman with evanescent optimism. I don't really feel like typing tonight. I'm sorry. I cleaned the house up this morning before I headed into work this afternoon, and I'm also helping my mom a bit with homework. I just want to go home and sleep. My cousin Ian's open house, too, that was something else that happened recently. My power cord for my laptop broke off -- I think I remember Cody trying to plug it into my mom's laptop, and I'd bet he broke it off accidentally trying to force it in. Kristyn and I had a girls' night last night and watched . . . shoot . . . oh, 27 Dresses. Ethan got a tattoo. At a fairgrounds. While he was drunk. (Is there any other reason to get a tattoo at a fairgrounds? Seriously. Haha.) My mom got a sheltie named Shelby. God is and has been good through blessings and curses.

MUSIC: "All I Have" - John Reuben

MOOD: pooped (on)

LOCATION: Kitchen

"Here he goes again on his own . . . "

2008-06-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

My mom still refuses to cover a debt that she stuck my brother with, and now he's vowed to cut off any contact with her. In fact, he told her that her lawyer will have to talk to him. If you ask me, she had it coming. And as soon as he told her his intentions, she tried to cut him off at the knees by taking back whatever support she could first think of for him -- she told him that he couldn't use the dresser that my great-grandpa built, the one that I had just asked to be able to use in the fall when I go away. So we'll be in a house with no dressers, but at least I'll have my hope chest. And I decided that if she's going to play that ridiculously dirty, then I'll take my wash basin that's full of her recipe books that my great grandpa gave to me. I'll have space for it in my room in the fall anyway. She's ridiculous. It makes me want to do the same, but I know I could never cut off a family member forever. Family is just important, even if they suck royally sometimes.

Cody just came down here and accused me of being a coward for not telling her off and letting her know that I think she's being a jerk. I guess that I thought I'd try to beat her in the game she thought she was winning (taking things away, playing the dirty passive-agressive card), but apparently Cody just thinks it requires in-your-face, "you're wrong" statements. I'll probably tell her that she's wrong. I just didn't want her to get too emotional because I hate dealing with it, cleaning up the emotional mess of the person who seems to me to be inflicting the most pain on everyone else intentionally. It's despicable. I hate family, but I feel this responsibility to maintain it. It's a disgusting feeling, one that allows me to be the "fixer" and the easiest to manipulate and then the easiest to treat as if nothing had happened. And I allow it, because I don't want to win for revenge (most of the time), and Cody and my mom are both intensely controlling over each other. That's why they always fight; neither will back down for fear of being wrong, of being the weaker person, of not winning.

More news

2008-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

   I'm going to start my job pretty soon, and I'm getting re-certified for CPR and first aid next Wednesday night. I'm thinking that, if my dad doesn't want Cody and I to help him tonight, we might be able to move into the Breckenridge house tonight!That would be fantastic, but I doubt it will happen.

     I started moving stuff over yesterday, and Cody asked me if Mom has tried to change my mind about moving yet. I told him no, but she had randomly told me that "if it wasn't for Ginger, we'd (she and Bob) be getting two Sheltie puppies instead of just one." I knew she was dropping a hint, but I'm not sure for what. She knows that I can't take her to college with me, because I don't think I can have pets where I'm renting. I wondered then, and I'm still wondering, if she wants us to take Ginger for the summer? But Cody made a good point: he said that she'll probably get both dogs and then use that as an excuse to get rid of Ginger at the end of the summer when we leave her here. It sounds like a low blow, but she did it with my cat -- she got an extra dog, and suddenly she couldn't afford to keep the cat indoors, it was too much of a hassle, blah, blah, blah, and she ended up throwing a declawed cat outdoors in the country to fend for himself. Needless to say, he died (disappeared, technically, but we have freaking raccoons out here).

     The ironic thing was, as soon as I got home my mom actually intimated that my medical insurance would be cancelled if I moved into the Breckenridge house for the summer, but she made it sound all official, like she had to because of the state (but it didn't quite match up with her previous story). I'm still getting my mail here, and the only thing going to that address is a bill for the water and utilities in Cody's name. We're going to have to move our extra stuff back in here at the end of the summer, because if we live with our dad, she'll cut off our medical insurance (partially because she has to, and partially because she's a control freak and a few other things). Oh well. I'll be out of here soon, and then I'll never have to stay here for too long after that.

     I talked to Beth Ann, my landlord/roommate for next year. I'm going to move down later than the first of August, but she okayed sending her a check through the mail by the first. She also said that I can paint my room, as long as she approves the color. I can't wait! That'll be awesome. I'm thinking that I'd like to pull in colors from my Van Gogh ("Café Terrace at Night") print -- yellow walls with accents in orange, brown, and some blue and green accents throughout the room -- something tropical, maybe with a soft yellow-white trim around the windows and ash-colored wood shades or brown trim and a colorful Roman shade. I think that's why I love that painting so much -- I absolutely love the colors. But I need to get back to this laundry and packing.

MUSIC: "We Used to Be Friends" - The Dandy Warhols

MOOD: excited

LOCATION: amongst the oak

Work, moving out, and the slowness of life -- I feel like I'm living in the South!!!

2008-06-02T03:14:00.000-07:00

   Just a quick update -- I'm apparently "medically fit" to work in an adult foster care, and good news! I don't have tuberculosis. Haha I kinda think I would have noticed if I did, but hey. Whatever. I actually started the application process a week and a half ago, so I'm getting really antsy to start work. Turns out that I need to have mTy CPR/First Aid certification before I can start training now, though; I guess it's a new state requirement. If there's room for me tomorrow night, I'll be taking the class with my favorite respiratory therapist at the fire department. Deb Smith was my advisor for the Student Athletic Trainers' Club in high school. I worked practically every JV and Varsity football game with her, and I pretty much just love the woman. She's amazing. She's like another Patty Davey to me, one of the most influential women in my life. And she's hilarious! :) I'm looking forward to this re-certification.

     Cody and I had been planning to move out tomorrow night, but now it looks like we'll have to move out on Wednesday night. We've been helping our dad cut up a bunch of trees in Lorie's driveway every other night, too (thank you, Rails for Trails, for heating my dad's house this winter). I'm hoping that he won't be upset that I'll be busy two nights in a row, but what can I do about it? I just wish we were moving out tonight, but we're totally not ready for that yet. Cody wants to get his old clothes around so he can put them in Kristyn's yard sale and make some money to put toward new clothes. I'd rather take my extra clothes to Goodwill and be done with it. I feel like this is going to get drug out so long that I'll end up being sick of it before we actually start. I'm going right now to go start moving our college stuff out of the garage and up to the Breckenridge house. At least that way I'll feel like I've put a tiny dent in what we need to get done. Why does everything have to take so much time around here? I guess I'm too impatient.

     Side notes: 1) I was rolling a stump yesterday up to the log splitter, but a knot rolled right into my big toe, leaving me a blood blister under the nail. It hurt like CRAP! I was glad the chainsaw and the splitter were both going, because the noise masked the huge yell I let out. It's fine now, though. 2) Yesterday I went to church for the first time in a really long time. I woke up at 10:30 and hurried to the 11 o'clock service (late). It was weird because there were so few people there, but I knew almost everyone I saw. I felt bad for being away for so long, though, so I kind of pushed my way through the mass of the crowd to the front to talk to the most familiar faces. I hope no one felt snubbed; I always feel rude when I don't give someone I see in church my full attention, but walk over to someone else I know better. I sat next to Michelle, too, but I didn't really actually talk to her at all. Anyway, the point I was going to make was that Nathan gave a message about our preferences versus our ethics in church and how divisiveness is not going to help in this time of change for us. I know that Nathan, Jen, and the Bartniks (and probably Dawn and others that I don't even know about) are all really busy trying to keep things running smoothly, and I'd like to do something for them. I'll have to think about how to do that in a financially feasible and still well-targeted way. I don't know. We'll see.

MUSIC: "Sing to Me" - Run Kid Run

MOOD: impatient, trepidatious

LOCATION: the messy table in the once-again messy kitchen

Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)

2008-05-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

   So I'm finally becoming an adult (I think). Cody and I talked to our mom, and Bob, who thankfully kept things calm and mostly rational, and told her that we're moving out. We've been stuck between two fighting parents for what seems like forever, and my mom had pulled some -- let's just say un-motherly -- stuff on my brother, too. We've always been faced with living with my mom or my dad, the the thundering, raging workaholic. Instead, we'll both be "on our own" for the first time in a place that hasn't been owned by AU. I'm totally stoked. I think it'll be a little bit interesting to adjust to, though, because Cody and I of course have our fights from time to time like any normal siblings.

     As for the job sitch, I just got the all-clear on a physical on Thursday to work part-time at an adult foster care (apparently the new politically correct term for a nursing home? but I think it sounds just as bad). I got my second Hep B shot then and came back for a TB test yesterday so they can "read it" on Monday. After that, I'm all clear to start training for my summer job. (I'm still hoping I can get another job, since the goal was to actually make enough money to pay off all my bills and be able to put some back for the fall.) Gratiot County is probably the worst place, outside of the middle of a desert or the north or south pole, to look for a job, though. Adults much older than me are laid off, and construction for the new ethanol plant has been temporarily waylaid due to a lack of funding. No new jobs there. Ugh. It's frustrating. Our economy in Michigan is so bad that we've had full ads promising us rainbows from each of the Presidential election candidates, but we've heard it all before. I can't think of anyone that actually believes a politician will get us out of this mess, and I don't like the idea of keeping a losing war going just so we can boost the economy. (I'm not so biased as to think that's the whole and singular reason, though.)

     Speaking of the Iraq War, though -- now I'll open up a can of worms with my opinions and join in the pool of idiots everywhere who have ignorant and asinine opinions on it. I think President Bush made a visceral reaction that I myself supported at the time. The idea that someone can murder thousands of people and get away with it offends us all. And although I knew little about Islam or anythingabout the Middle East, I had a mistrust of Arab peoples from stories about my dad getting ripped off at car auctions by some Arab car dealers. I'll admit, after talking to some international students about Indian and Arab business practices, I still find the notion that "business smarts" could ever include intentional deception strikes me as not only distasteful, but just morally offensive. I'm still struggling to incorporate this with the idea that various acts are looked at differently by separate cultures and religions. Anyway, that was my admittance of bias.

     I think that President Bush acted, like I said, out of an emotional response, but I also think that he acted in the "old school" way of responding to an enemy. I think that oil was a factor, but I don't think it was the only reason at all. I think it was probably just another advantage, just like boosting the economy was a side benefit.

     I believe Bush was and is still sadly uninformed about "terrorist" countries' reasons to partially commiserate with the extremists of al Qaeda. It is ridiculous to walk into a negotiation room knowing little or nothing about the other negotiators' religious and political needs and ways of thinking, and I'm sorry, but our country's Commander-in-Chief should know that. We keep pushing democracy, but very few Muslims (only the most Westernized) actually want a democracy. They want a theocracy!

     Also, Muslims all across the Middle East understand the resentful attitude toward the U.S., who supports Israel unswervingly, even as Israeli forces unjustly drop American bombs on Lebanon. Bush didn't even do ANYTHING to punish Israel when Israel just bombed Lebanon out of the blue in recent years. Instead, he tried to start peace negotiations that are still ongoing between Israelis and Palestinians. Although our government's leaders have found it acceptable to threaten to "punish" Iran for its arms program -- I'll get to that -- we have not cut off support for Israel, which is a prime reason we are hated in the Middle East, aside from our support of corrupt and dictatorial regimes through the years and across the Middle East.

     I have to question the Republican party's candidates and actual wisdom in handling problems in Iraq when not only our President, but also his Cabinet members and top military leaders do such IDIOTIC acts themselves. The Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay prisons have been exposed for acts of torture to inmates, and our military currently allows "water boarding," which is sadistic, cruel, and obviously a form of torture. Condoleezza Rice practically dares the government of Iran to do something rash and has been known to childishly roll her eyes and make faces while Iranian leaders are speaking at conventions and meetings -- very mature for a top government official. These are our leaders. Faaaaaaantastic.

     We're also trying to block Iran from assembling a nuclear arsenal when we have an unnecessarily extravagant one ourselves. In fact, Rice has threatened to punishIran if it does not halt its nuclear program. Apparently, not only can we be hypocritical, we can impose our style of government on Arab nations and punish them like insolent children instead of treating them with respect, equality, and a desire for understanding.

     And no offense, but Bush and McCain are both pretty trigger happy. John McCain has been known to sing "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" (to "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys). What class and tact.

     Hillary Clinton is a democrat with a different agenda, but the same mindset as Bush and McCain. Clinton, a woman that I find neither authentic nor interested in respect or understanding for Middle Easterners (and whose earlier White House experience also allowed the Rwandan genocide to go on without any adequate United States interference) said in an interview that she would "totally obliterate" Iran if it ever used a nuclear bomb on Israel. Joe Conason, of the New York Observer, zeroed in on this, writing: "What she obliterated with just those two words were her own boasts of superior diplomatic experience — and she managed at the same time to tar America's international image with all the subtlety of the man she hopes to replace." (I think there's an Emeril-style "BAM!" somewhere in there.)

     I don't want either of these blunt instruments as my next President. There's my two cents, and now I'm done shooting my opinions off about politics until hopefully the 2012 election (or later!).

MUSIC: "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)" - Billy Joel

Reorganization motivation

2008-05-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

   After mowing the entire lawn over the course of two afternoons/evenings, I finally left for my dad's house. Sometimes I just get so antsy from being cooped up that my legs just start to tingle and itch to go move. So for that reason, and the fact that my mom's incessant nagging was driving me nuts and killing any motivation I had to clean up the house, I high tailed it outta there.
     I spent the first day just sleeping in, chillin' around the house, and attempting to help make some sense of the utter chaos that was my dad's paperwork. It was in a huge pile on his upstairs floor, all over the "dining room" floor, on the kitchen counter, and on two tables in the dining room. There are papers in there from 1999 (almost 10 years ago, which seems insane, but that's a whole 'nother issue) on up to 2008. I finally talked to my dad today one-on-one and kind of got an idea of what the system of organization he wanted me to set up/"continue." Anyway, after six and a half hours, I can say that I got most of 2007 sorted, found a few of my dad's important, upcoming bills, and even found some important paperwork that he had apparently been looking long and hard for. (Amazing, right?)
     I came back to my mom's house, and after grabbing a shower, I actually had the motivation (let's just call it an overflow from working at my dad's) to go upstairs and go through all of my paperwork. I had notes, labs, sample tests, and note cards from all or most of my biology classes (I think I gave the notes from freshman year to a friend who's on the pre-med track), and I separated them by class (did you know that cell biology and first semester anatomy notes can look awful similar?) so that I can throw 'em all in separate file folders instead of just throwing them all back in a heap at the end of my bed. I had planned on keeping my old cards from my open house (a nasty habit I picked up from my mom, I know . . . ), but I've been going through them and tossing out all but the most important. I even got rid of my old planners and address books, which I have an excess of. I know my mom will have a hissy fit if I throw them away, but I doubt she'll want to use them. If all else fails, I'll burn them when she's not looking. Now all I need to do (haha, like it's so simple -- my room's a mess!) is get rid of that darn treadmill in the middle of my floor (a "gift" from my mom that's been in almost every stinkin' room of the house but hers) and the la-z-boy rocker and old desk that are next to it. I love the random furniture that gets deposited once the normal inhabitant of the bedroom is away at college.
     I found these old magnets that were on my fridge freshman year that used to annoy the crap out of me because you could never arrange them and use all of them; plus, the dern things slid off onto the floor all the time. I put them on the fridge down here and organized them in a bit more "artistic" way. They all follow the way I think, so the extras are arranged loosely in groups. "Goals grateful mercy dreams," "do it good," "why be WE us? yes" -- (my attempt at irony), "salvation is big!" and such. My favorites, which I just liked the sound of, are "first of a focus" and "Your future in a time." If I ever had a band, I think I would use one of those as a sweet name. . . . And now my mom is nagging again, so I'm off. Seriously, she doesn't just ask and wait. She asks and nags and whines and goads and pleads andNAGS. She's the biggest pessimist, hiding under an optimistic candy-coating. I recognize it in myself. Grr.

MOOD: accomplished

MUSIC: "California" - Phantom Planet

LOCALE: the kitch

well, it's one o'clock in the morning . . . baby, i just can't treat you right

2008-05-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

   One thing I have re-discovered: I really like Eric Clapton's music. Really really. Another thing -- where can I get ringtones? I like indie rock and folk music, and for some strange reason they just don't have too much of what I like on Celltop program. They did have "Gronlandic Edit" by Of Montreal, but I couldn't get the stupid thing bought. I've heard that online ringtones often contain viruses, so I'm a little iffy on whether or not I want to get one from the internet. I'd like to get a little Ben Kweller or maybe some Gomez, Rocky Votolato, The Thrills, Brandtson, Damien Rice, Joe Purdy, or even a little Tom Waits (He isn't indie, but who cares?). I'm sure I could find a good Mat Kearney or Derek Webb song on Celltop, though. Hmm. I was hoping I'd come across that song by Whats-his-face from Train, the guy with a name that sounds like an '80s pop star. Pat Monahan, that's it. (I think his name reminds me of Pat Bennetar.)

     In other news, I'm back home again in Michigan, missing all my friends from Indiana and longing for things to fill the time. I'm discovering that I don't get much done as far as organizing my room unless my brother's upstairs. Otherwise, it just seems stark and lifeless up there in my chaotic, tired, over-bright, and dusty room. I sent out a couple of applications to nursing homes, and I think that I may end up working for Cody's friend's parents (' great-grandmothers-in-law). I'm just waiting for everything on my application to check out. I put down a family friend as a reference, but I haven't spoken to her for at least a year. I had tried calling her to make sure that this was okay and ask her husband another question, but she never called me back. I had already listed her on the application, though, so I hope things will work out fine. I can't see why they wouldn't.

     I'm so excited for Colts football to get here. I was on the Colts and NFL Players Association websites today, and I was reading about Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders's progress with their respective foot and shoulder rehabilitations. I hope things clear up with Marvin Harrison, and I hope Freeney and Sanders continue healing up patiently (although I'm sure they're both itching to get out on a field and really tear it up). I'm SO glad we got Dominic Rhodes back this year. With the little bit of legal trouble Kenton Keith had, I think there may be a slight bitter taste in the mouths of the coaching and managing staff at the Colts franchise with Keith. It will be interesting to see if the Colts utilize Rhodes in a 2-back set-up. I imagine that they will do just that, with Dominic Rhodes (now #38?!) and the indomitable Joseph Addai at first string. I would guess that Keith and the U of M grad, Mike Hart, will end up at second string. I would imagine that Kenton Keith might want to keep a much lower profile off the field now, though, before the Colts lose patience. It's not the Pacers, for Pete's sake.

     After looking at the photos of Rookie/Veteran minicamp, I can't wait for preseason to start! The veterans and the rookies both looked pretty good, but it's hard to tell what kind of a season we'll have a) from pictures, and b) this early in the season. It was mighty nice to see Peyton looking fresh in his photos, though. Allthe vets looked rested up and ready to go. I am disappointed that the Colts won't be playing the Lions for their second preseason game. The schedule was changed so that they'll be facing the Lions in Indy on December 14th. I had been hoping to see the game in Detroit in person, since tickets are much easier to come by here than in Indiana. Plus, my dad was going to get the tickets, and he won't come down to Indianapolis for a team that he doesn't really root for. (He does root for the Lions, but he's lost hope of their winning along the way.)

     I was checking out the Colts' employment section, and I'm thinking about trying to get an internship there next year doing sports writing. It would be the best job in the world! I would love to have the opportunity, although I know it's a long shot. I think I'm going to start a new blog just about football, focusing mainly (of course) on the Colts. Even if nothing comes of it, it should be fun. :) And it will easily give me a reason to watch every Colts game and Sportslocker Sunday. Now hopefully my roommates won't mind some loud-mouthed little Michigander yelling and cheering at the tv in the living room every week. (It's all fine and well until a GIRL starts yelling, at least back home with my dad and brother. And yes, I understand that all my screaming and shouting and carrying on does not affect the Colts one way or another, but I hope that my prayers help at least a tiny bit -- although I pray that they can forget the previous bumbled up plays and have confidence, good reads, steady hands, impenetrable teamwork, and positive, focused mindsets. I don't generally pray that they win -- except for that AFC Championship and Super Bowl. I figure that there's always somebody else praying for the other side, and the team who works hardest and thinks clearest wins.)

     I had been thinking that this summer would be a totally frustrating and boring one. So far, there have been moments to make that case and others to break it. I've decided, though, that I'm going to try to look at this as something positive. I can get organized with my filing system for bills, homework, et cetera, and i can also get back on track spiritually. I want to dig deep into my Bible and draw up some cool, refreshing water that will cleanse all the debris that piles up through the school year -- mixed up priorities, stress, papers, papers, papers, bad attitudes, mixed up priorities. . . . This is an opportunity that I might not have had at SpringHill, even though it's an amazing place where I always have an awesome God experience (and a heck of a fun time). I wouldn't have had as much free time to really spend with God one-on-one, and I wouldn't have had much time at all to spend outdoors in the area I love and call home. On the other hand, I love my crazy family, but I know that they have always been one of my greatest frustrations, a fact that won't likely change this summer. I'm hoping instead to be able to cope and try to stay patient and calm when I start to get upset or a fight or personal attack starts to take shape. (They often do around here.) We'll see. I need something to do, though, so I'm really praying that this nursing home job will pull through.

     I've realized, sadly, that none of my old friends from Gratiot County are really a big part of my life anymore. We've all sort of gone our own separate ways, across the state and into the surrounding states. I'm hoping that I'll get to see my best friend, Steve, sometime this summer and reconnect with old Gratiot County friends and some of my AU friends as well this summer. Otherwise, this is going to be a long and lonely summer . . .

     P.S. I saw something in a catalogue today that was hideous, and I could hear Anita saying, "That level of ugliness is almost sort of fascinating in a way." It made me laugh out loud and wish we could share in the hideous boots or purse or whatever it was. It might have been shoes. I don't remember.

MOOD: relaxed

The thing is . . .

Where the ol' ancestors came from . . . because I'm still awake.

Update!!!

Early Christmas List

Ponder-O-some

Total Care

"Here I Go Again . . . "

Hey Now, Hey Now, Don't Dream It's Over . . .

. . . and just like that . . .

"It's pressed between pages that you'll read if you're so inclined . . . "

Random memory . . .

Qu'est-ce que c'est ?

Once Upon a Time?

A Hard Rain's A-Been Fallin' Long Enough

Glimpses at the Center of the Thing

Questions for an Older Man . . .

In Bad Need of a Shower . . .

And The Ravens, They Are A-Cawin'

PFC Rhynard

Away for Too Long

The Holiday time

Military Update *short*

Weird Gibbs dream.

. . . Drum Roll Please . . .

Highlights of the day . . .

Take it or leave it

Saving for Later . . .

Turn the stereo down, and listen to the still, small voice, fool!

I really wish . . .

Best Playlist Ever! (Subject to change until I hear the whole thing)

Because I'm just so excited . . . !

A Lesson from Emma

Mosh pit in my brain : /

30 Seconds to Procrastinate!

Job Hunting

"Video Killed the Radio Star . . ."

And:

Judgmental

Me and the Men in My Life

Chance Is the One Thing You Can Still Bet On

Fun Fact

There's Nothing Like a Little Etta . . .

Late-Night Musings

Family?

Older chest

Thinking of giving up

Something that provoked thoughts in me . . .

Stolen From Ellen . . . Answers to Come Later

Today

"Drama, drama, drama!"

Stolen from Jael stolen from Allison

Musings

Anime Weirdo :)

The Valley

Apathy has got a hold on me now . . .

Random things from today . . .

Yup

How on Earth . . .

AlemaniAAAAAAAA!

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 . . .

hmm...

anita has a dream . . . i just theorize

a poignant life

Let's put it this way -- I wouldn't read it.

Chocolate and coffee . . .

Losing it again rant . . .

Carryover

Friday.....

Hmm.

Favorite Lines . . .

Thoughts from Chapel

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday!

Addendum

Club Dead

Beauty in the Breakdown

Thoughts from Shabbat

Wallowing

Maintaining

The voice of the sea

How on earth?

Military Update short