Once Upon a Time?

It feels like my faith has become a thing of the past. I've spent so much time working on other things, dealing with things on my own, asking questions and getting no answers that I don't really feel connected anymore, even when I'm really trying to reconnect. I feel like I've been "reconstructed," not by professors, not surrounded by other people asking the same questions and searching for the same answers, but by situations and things I've been exposed to, witnessed, heard. I don't know if it's not too late to be reconstructed. My friends anymore are mostly "non-practicers" and atheists or those who seem really into nonconformity for difference's sake. I guess I fall into that "different is good" category a bit, too. I would just like to find truth, but the truth is, that I've made such a muddle out of my life and my faith that I've practically gone back to stale, lifeless, spiritual infancy. I've made those bad choices, all along knowing they were the wrong ones. I've confessed to ears that turned away and eyes that refused to look at me, lips that either went silent or changed the subject. I don't have any of the answers anymore, at least not in community. And I'm not a firm believer in the "individualistic" faith surviving. Without community, we die. I'm dyin' here.

Just holdin' on and hoping that I can get my spiritual cup refilled, even though the cup's a bit tarnished now. I've tried and given up or lost focus or turned around so many times that I don't even trust myself anymore to commit to recommitting.