Away for Too Long

I've decided to start memorizing Scripture again. I've decided on these (might as well focus on a theme, to keep things related).

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 5:7-8

"But you, man of God, flee from all this [love of money], and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 6:11

"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." - 1 Peter 2:11

"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." - James 2:17. If I ever get a tattoo, I think I might like to get this verse somewhere.

I'd really like to write a little each day, spend time with God in prayer and listening to his words, and maybe even keep up this schedule for studying. I'm really not the Dani/Danielle (depends on who you ask haha) who can stick to the plan, who doesn't set herself up to sabotage her own plans. I know that that girl is a possibility for me, though, and I'd like to make her a part of my reality. I don't even realize how much sabotaging myself can sabotage others in turn, with broken plans, delayed deadlines, cock-eyed efforts, and late or missed appointments. I can honestly say I've gotten much better on these things, but they still rub me like a hair shirt. I want to start looking at discipline and buckling down as the positive things they can be, not the restricting cages they can become if handled improperly.

I have this gift of encouragement, and I don't use it. I'm afraid of maybe going too far with this, like I've done in the past, and casting other things aside as a result of going overboard in this area, honestly, but I think I can compromise and try to leave it at situational encounters for now, make the most of where I'm already at sort of thing. I have a few ideas in mind; we'll see.

Also, I can't stand when people are insincere. I say this in the understanding that I myself am not always sincere, though I can sometimes get away with the semblance of it. I really want to become more transparent (which starts with cleaning up my act, for me) so that I don't really have anything to hide. I guess transparency is hardest for me because I feel like it requires near-perfection and plainness. The blunt truth, though, is that, I'm complex, no matter how simple I'd like to be, and I'm a bit of a mess at times. I need to check myself every once in awhile when I confuse transparency with modeling (Bandura-style, not catwalk-style). It doesn't matter what I've been taught I need to become to be a "good Christian." If that's a Barbie box I can't fit into, then maybe there's a different box made just for me. I think that's real Christianity.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, or if it's just here for my own cathartic benefit, but if you see me, please, call me out on any of this. Haha make me tell you one of these verses, or ask me if I've been sticking to my schedule or if I've been messing around and wasting time. Ask me if I've been late for anything. Heck, ask me anything — and I'm serious. I want to become transparent. Can't walk the walk without it.