Mosh pit in my brain : /

"Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?"

I've got so many thoughts vying for my attention lately.

I need a job. I need to be able to pay rent. Was I wrong to have them lower my hours at the old job? Could I have helped it? Was this whole job search just a stupid waste of time and gas? How on Earth am I going to come up with my rent for March?

What prejudices have I grown up with? Have things really changed that much with me since I came to college? Do I treat ________, _______, and _______ as negative stereotypes? How do I go about changing my mindset? What if I don't meet someone who doesn't fit the stereotype? Am I really this shallow?

I need to get back in shape. I should really start eating healthier again and start working out. I need to buy milk, but with what money?

They both say to pray and trust God to help me. I said that it's myself and other people I don't trust, not God. I don't trust myself or anyone else, but, on second thought, I don't really trust God handles the small details. I don't know if I still believe he cares. I don't always even feel like he exists, and I'm supposed to be a Christian!!!! I am a Christian.

Hebrews 6:4-6. Shit. Intentional sin? Yeah, done that.

Does prayer even work?

So glad to have severed things with the ex, but I'm selfishly bothered that my bestie didn't offer to choose sides. Yeah, it's immature and selfish. I would have said no sides were necessary, but it would have been nice to hear the question posed as a sort of -- I don't know -- allegiance? loyalty? to our friendship. I should grow up and stop acting like a child; my friend was only acting the part of an adult. Maybe I should try it.

My life is getting too messy again. Literally. I need to get my room straightened up, dig my parking space back out, organize my papers into a file system again.

Have to pay my credit card bill tomorrow. Crap. Never get one of these again?

How do I go deeper in my faith without losing some of my closest friendships? I need support, not more criticism of the Church, and I can't dig in by myself. I don't have the stamina. Women's Bible study? Where can I go and be 100% vulnerable, 100% honest about where I'm at (100% redundant)? Will this just remind me more of the things I struggle with and cause them to be bigger problems? Is it possible to go deeper in a faith that's dehydrated down to almost inexistence? Do I still even have a faith?

Good books, but too many of them! This whole reading-all-the-time thing bites beehives.

Am I growing into a good person? A reliable person? The person I'd like to become? Am I growing into a questioning, seeking Christian, or just a spoiled, rebellious, little brat? Is there some way to put all of these into one person? Is it possible for that person to ever be me? I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I'd have myself become.

I'm pretty happy single. I don't want to stay single forever, though. I hope it won't be a terribly long time before I meet someone -- not just someone, but the one I will marry? What if I die before I marry? That would suck. I'd like to experience that intimacy with someone before I die.

I'm clingy and over-intense. What is wrong with me? Ridiculous. And yet, I'm sometimes too logical, too analytical, maybe even too honest (blunt)? Is there a way to fix myself? Is it even possible to have a marriage last? What's the use and the point of even trying? Am I doomed to repeat my parents' (my dad's) mistakes?

Will Anita and Travis make it? I hope so. I hope and pray (it's easier to believe -- or hope to believe -- for someone else's benefit) that he and John make it home safe and sound.

Have I really had it so bad with my family? Maybe I need to just move on. Easier said than done. And I'm afraid of losing the lessons, of repeating mistakes that I didn't quite pin down and memorize from my past if I do.

I'd like to move to Ireland someday. Or Scotland. Perfect weather, beautiful accents, gorgeous scenery, plenty of rain, none of this 13" of snow in two days. I could raise cattle, too -- not babies haha (old joke).

Will I ever get to travel? Should I just settle and be happy here without ever taking a road trip, Tri-S trip, etc.? There are so many more things I'd like to do if I could just convince my head to be as adventurous as my heart claims to be. I feel like I'm settling for mediocrity, routine, and sheltered, suburban conventionality.

Air Force, Army . . . what if neither of these works out? What if I don't graduate on time, or my grades are too bad, or my recommendations suck? What if I don't get into OTS? Can I even survive boot camp?

Have to change my plate tags.

Have to settle Agathos' debts. Have to cancel Compassion accounts. Should write three letters to our sponsored kids first, though.

Will I ever get hired? How will I get that money in time? Need money for the Chicago Trip for sociology, too. Fantastic.

I really need to start going to Orange, Black, and Green meetings. I really want to.

. . . and more.