Club Dead

     So apparently Ferris Bueller took the night off. I know -- incredibly cheesy. But I was really hoping that some of the many people I had talked to would show up for the movie tonight. It's getting hard to focus on the people who do show up when I realize that we've been in this same boat for the past three years; it's a boat that's got a hole in it. I just don't know how to fix it. 

     In other news, being a girl sucks sometimes. Majorly. 

     I had a nightmare last night involving Cody and Joe. I've kind of been worrying about giving Joe's guys the wrong impression about the two of us since I stopped by one day with a bunch of food and stuck around in his apartment to talk. I know it's corny, but I don't want to put him in an awkward position. Anyway, in this dream, Cody was really mad at me and just let into me, telling me that I was embarrassing myself, that Joe didn't want to hang out, that he thought I liked him romantically, but didn't feel like he could tell me how uncomfortable I was making him feel. And Toad also told me that I had a reputation for doing this sort of thing. I think Joe might have confirmed it in the dream, but I don't remember. I just remember running away, oddly enough in Chicago while on my Social Problems trip that will take place in November. 

     I can say that this is my biggest fear right now. I don't want to use "Jesus" or my faith as a dating tool; if anything, I have received a call to die, not a call to date and marry. I honestly just feel like there are a bunch of people (and lately, they have all been guys, although I've been praying for God to show me WOMEN who need community, too) my age and a little older who are stuck here in Anderson feeling alone and feeling older than they really are. It just seems like, hey, I like giving hospitality, I like cooking for people, hanging out, easing stress if I can. And he, I kind of understand the frustration that comes when nobody seems to want to go deeper, and I know that loans and jobs and deadlines make one an adult, but not old. We can talk about this stuff and understand each other. I figure that 2+2 equals 4, and it's that simple. (That probably only makes sense in my head.) It's the one area of my life in which I feel especially called right now, and it's not limited to men or to women. I don't want this to cause frustration or to tarnish the reputation, however, of my brother or any of these parts of the growing community that seems to have sprung up around me. 

     Granted, I think my faith and my personality should be the tools I use to evaluate everything in my life, but I don't want to let my "faith walk" become a superficial one, forgetting that my faith is the end I'm seeking and not the means to some other end. I want to be, I am a woman of faith, seeking to grow in integrity, compassion, community, and hospitality, among other things. Does this mean stepping back? Finding women who are lonely and ministering to them instead? Am I Lena Lingard? I hope not. 

     And maybe I'm a bit too serious, more than a bit too analytical. I think that anyone who wrote that last part (the list . . . integrity, compassion, yada yada yada) might be taking themselves a bit too seriously. I'm human. I'm going to screw things up (it's a special talent I have, like breaking the chandelier at my hair appointment for my mom's wedding). I'm great at knowing what to do and doing otherwise; I'm great at doing the opposite, too. I just don't know. "Without your love, I'm not a full human being."

     That's all I've got for tonight. Sorry if it's a little disconnected or distracted. I'm really tired. Dang it, and I hate blogs that dwell on dating/marriage. Oh, well. Had to get a few things out. (Blogs: the American dream and the American pastime of non-confrontation. What is wrong with us? And why do I fall into that so easily?)