Carryover

That conversation last night made some really great echoes today.

I didn't feel comfortable answering every question at the full level of thought and analysis that I put into formulating, or at least exploring an answer. I don't know if I can and should wisely go that deep with someone after so short a time. I tried to be as open as I felt comfortable to be; plus, I didn't want to answer the most intimate questions before I first had time to reflect on them.

After four years of friendship with my living journal, we had some stuff that (I think) we finally talked about and dealt with tonight on the way back from Greenwood. I've been thinking a lot, too, about why I am so darned self-conscious. And it's a complicated answer. Instead of typing it all up here, I think I'll try to not be an emotional flasher. Sound good? Ask me in person, and I'll probably go into more detail. The basic moral of the story is that I was a mess in middle school and got rejected completely on a regular basis, and I don't really trust that I'm ever good enough. Sappy enough for you? Bleeding heart on a sleeve . . . sheesh. Anyway, I'm such a people pleaser (and a "performer" -- that's for you, Jael) that I'm always afraid I'll slip up once, and even my closest friends will want nothing more to do with me. It's like walking a tightrope for each person in my life, and trying to jump from one to the next and so on.

And that's about all. Gotta hit the hay, 'cause I got church tomorrow. :) (Today.)