I was really amazed by this song when it hopped across my iPod today and jumped right out at me. I think this is my new favorite song. I was just thinking today that, the deeper I get in my faith, and the farther I push along, the more confused I seem to become. Where did all the answers go? It seems that the only answer I have found lately is, "Patience. Peace; be still, and know that I am God," as more questions boisterously hustle out of an elevator in my thoughts. (They throw elbows.)
Anyway, the song is called "Your Love Is Better Than Life," and it's sung by the Newsboys, but I'd like to say written under the influence of the Spirit. Here goes:
"I dunno nothin' that I haven't been taught
I dunno why I was born into the family I've got
I dunno if I ever had an original thought
Maybe not, maybe so, maybe later, I dunno
"I dunno how I can end a prayer and turn on a friend
I dunno what I was thinkin' when I just pressed send
I dunno why I still criticize the things I dunno
I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, but this one thing I know
"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I'm just a broken machine
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love it's just a mindless routine
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I'm in another free fall
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I've got nothing at all
"I dunno what goes down the moment we die
Do we get halos and harps? Do we sleep? Do we fly?
I dunno how, when, and why this world will finally end
Speculation's gonna grow, who knows best? I dunno
"I dunno if I should push ahead or stop and grieve
I lie awake and wonder how to make a city believe
I dunno when it's a ministry and when it's a show
Maybe neither, maybe both, I dunno, but this one thing I know
"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I'm just a broken machine
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your touch I'm not a full human being
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
If I should ever leave, where would I go?
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
I look to you 'cause you're the lover of my soul
"Here's to the lover of my soul
Here's to the lover of my soul
"I dunno when to walk away or stand to fight
Just when I got it wrong, I'm sure I heard you right
And when my arguments are watertight
You expose every hole with a flash and a flood
"And I know I hear you call in the eye of the storm
And I know you had my back since the day I was born
Still stuck in my heart, still stirrin' my head
You're my pillar of fire, you're the wine, you're the bread
"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I'm just a broken machine
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love it's all a mindless routine
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I'm in another free fall
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Without your love I've got nothing at all
"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
I dunno nothin' that I haven't been taught
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
I dunno how I was born into the family I've got
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
I dunno if I ever had an original thought
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
Maybe not, maybe so, maybe later, I dunno
"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
I dunno when I've got it right or wrong
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
I dunno how I can wrap it in a four-minute song
YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE
But I know my grip is better when I'm not hanging on
Your love is making us strong all along
Your love is better than life"
I've been thinking a lot about transparency, about mercy, about leadership and Agathos, and about accountability lately. I've been thinking about where I fall short (don't get me started), where I need to be, how I can get there, and how to take hold of grace unselfishly.
The striking thing about Agathos is our four pillars: passion, humility, service, and depth. These are not directly and separately translated into specific, individual events for Agathos, because it's difficult to have those broad goals front and center in an explicit capacity. I know that we cherish diversity; desire to grow in hospitality; seek to honor each other through encouragement and mutual respect; and hold a commitment to serve each other, our campus, and our local and global world through our time and finances. I know that we fall short in these things. But I was focused on the four pillars today as I evaluated my own leadership in Agathos.
I guess I honestly don't have much true passion for my faith, in all honesty. I care about my faith, about serving and obeying God, but when push comes to shove, all that caring doesn't amount to passion. I want to take hold of this passion, but my faith and passion both waver so feebly at times.
I have a depth of intent, but I don't follow through. I have a shallow, farcical actuality. But if I have those ideas for how to grow closer, is that enough of a start to move from? I am trying. I need spiritual accountability and encouragement. God has always been, is, and will always continue to be faithful, at least this much I do know.
I have plenty of guilt, but I have little humility, just shame. I don't think this shame and guilt over what I've done and haven't done, who I've been and haven't been, is healthy. Also, it's so hard to focus on God around other people. I'm such a ridiculous people pleaser that I focus on everything and everyone else but God. I rarely feel like I'm actually connecting into God as well as I should lately, and I often doubt if I'm in tune enough to really know his voice. Sometimes I feel like I'm stepping off a cliff edge in the dark where there may or may not be a rope bridge.
Sometimes I worry that I might seem more together than I am, losing all vulnerability and authenticity when I know the right answers (sometimes), but just can't seem to put them together for myself. Other times, I'm afraid to be vulnerable (I've got some ugly stuff) for fear that it's too much for others to handle. It has been in the past. I'm afraid that opening up will have the effect of just dumping my baggage on another person, instead of just opening it up to let some light in on it. I struggle to find balance in authenticity and vulnerability with men, since I fear building unhealthy emotional intimacy. This is an area of my life that I'm really praying about lately.
I talk about service, and I desire to serve, but my attitude is so negative and selfish when I actually do serve (whether or not I even realize I'm serving at the time). I've let others become a hassle to me when the Savior I follow based his entire ministry on others. I don't follow his example; I'm selfish and mismanaging of my time; my faith is a personal one, full of "personal" evaluation, etc. I don't love myself; I try, but is this really supposed to be my aim? Sometimes I really doubt it. Is my life supposed to be aimed inward, or should I allow that to progress in God's hands as I focus my life outward? Do we heal to serve, or serve to heal? How active in this healing process are we, and how much of our attention should be focused on our own healing? I know that I will always be healing from something, always in process, so my hope is that I don't get lost trying to focus on that and lose sight of the mission to others.
I have no real answers to these bigger questions. I don't know if hearing the answer is really what I need, because these are the kinds of questions that are answered through the experience of a close walk with Christ and attentiveness to God's faithfulness. I have decided, though, that my goal for this year, first and foremost, is to take hold of and maintain zesty saltiness. Because my light shines before others by my deeds and words, but I want salt first -- that depth of faith and level of passion and commitment that can't be seen. Good salt and bad salt look the same; sometimes true faith and humility can be matched in appearance by a manufactured faith. I want saltiness that bears fruit and light. And that kind of faith can't help but be expressed in word and deed. (Matthew 5:13-16; Ephesians 2:8-9; James 2:22, 26)
Coming soon . . . 2 Kings 6:1-7:20, but I need to make my bed and get some sleep, pronto.
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