i imagine . . . i should get some sleep

i imagine our conversation if you were to walk up to me right now.
"so how's it going?"
"it's good. i've got a lot to do, but it's okay."
"so everything is good?"
"yeah."
"are you sure everything is good?"
"yeah, really. everything's good. how 'bout you?"
"i'm doing alright. i just wanted to know how you're doing. are you sure everything's good?"
"yes."

and on the inside, i was thinking earlier (as i was in such a bad mood) that i would have preferred a conversation more like this.
"so how's it going? you look upset."
"yeah, i just really don't feel well, and i have a paper to write for tomorrow. and i had to come here in the rain with 8 books to read over and write a prospectus for a lit paper, ALL BECAUSE the network doesn't work in my apartment. and i don't have wireless to just use the guest wi-fi."
"yeah?"
"yeah, and i just got back from my roommate's bridal shower, which i showed up almost an hour late to and felt like an idiot."
"yikes. was she upset?"
"no, but i walked in in the middle of everything and had to tell her that i had to go wrap her present because i had just bought it."
"you didn't buy it until just before the shower?"
"nope. i feel like i've been wasting so much time lately, but i've been busier than ever with tutoring appointments, an extra hour of training at the Learning Center, and extra hours for Reardon this week. i was planning to go to wal-mart for aimee's gift last night after the concert and tear-down and load-out got done, but then i got sick in the middle of load-out. the guy who was subbing for dave, my boss, told me to stay, but i just walked back and went to bed last night after that. and i couldn't get my car from my brother today until almost one, and the shower started at 2. um, yeah, i'm not so good with finding the things on a bridal registry. at all."

and this is where i can only imagine your response from what i would say to one of my friends.
"sounds like you need to stop being so hard on yourself."
and i would imagine myself thinking, "but i'm not just blaming this on myself. if ITS would do their stupid jobs, i could be working on this paper in my room right now." that's the biggest source of my anger right now. and i don't feel like working on this paper. i feel like there's a big bubble expanding under my rib cage right now, and my stomach feels so nasty. i can't concentrate on anything right now, and i stil have more reading to do. and i'm so stinking tired. i've had it up to here with college right now, and i know that this week will only continue getting busier and busier.

i think i just need to go back and get some sleep. i really do feel like crap. i'm not giving up, but i'm willing to concede the next few hours and the part of my night that will inevitably be stolen back from me in this trade. i can't do anything with this bad attitude and short temper and attention span