alone -- ungrateful

how can a life this good seem so undesirable lately? i just want to step out for awhile.

i don't know where the bond has gone that my brother and i used to share. in fact, i don't even recognize him anymore, although i'm starting to think i see a hazy picture of matt superimposed on his image. most likely he's turned his back on matt, too, though; i don't know. and then i got this reminder that my dad is a verbal abuser, but somehow i hurt him tonight. and vice versa, but all i can think about are his feelings.

i am so sick of fighting with my parents, but at the same time, i have all of these things that i'd like to say to cody. why am i so confrontational and so unconfrontational all at the same time? i hold back the things i would say to cody because they would explode out of me if i unclamped the lid. and to my parents . . . i would rather brush our problems under the rug, bear the abuse heaped on me just to avoid being the one who hurts people's feelings. because all these problems with cody are something new, whereas my parents' own jerkish tendencies have been there all along and are not likely to ever change -- the verbal abuse, the screaming demands, the always changing expectations, the tirades.

and the sad thing is, my dad actually cared about my birthday. he wanted to see me this weekend. but he screamed at me about cody's and my own "laziness at looking for a real job" for the summer. suddenly, lorie's kids are brilliant stars shining in the night, whereas cody and i are flickering matchlights that pale tentatively in comparison. and i'm weary from it all. i had hoped that this would be my one temporarily happy relationship with a family member. it seems that i failed the exams, though, and the term ended early. and now i feel left with nothing.

i feel alone. even with all of the plans and business of school and agathos, with all of the online chats with jael, with all the conversations with other tutors at work, i feel alone. and i guess that's that. i'm stuck here in this empty valley waiting for the sun to peak up over a mountain that now seems vast and stark in the darkness and reveal the beauty hidden in this same landscape.