. . .

i've go to say, i'm really satisfied with life. not that it isn't hard; not that i don't have bad days or loads of homework. but i'm actually HAPPY with what i'm studying now. i can't believe how long it's been when i've enjoyed all of my classes, especially when they required a heavy work load. i guess that, for all of the English classes that i'm taking, they don't require much more than reading, quizzes, papers, and a few occasional tests. and i love that we spend each class session discussing and analyzing great literary pieces (although i would argue that, even with all of its hidden political, psychological, and religious innuendos, james joyce's "the dead" is not on the top of my list). what strikes me most here is that, regardless of correctness, my opinion matters. i don't feel stupid (so much) when i misunderstand something in class; it's considered only a misinterpretation. that's the great thing about literature. and i FINALLY get to read "the classics" -- even though these are the "modern" classics. oh, and i really like virginia woolf. i wish i could have met her in person back in the day. anyway, God is good. i need to keep reminding myself of that, because, although i know he's always here, i haven't felt his constant presence, although i have felt his constant blessing. it always makes me nervous when things seem to be going well, because i don't want to get into the habit of only following God and seeking him when i need him. and that's probably where i'm at right now, because i'm not really seeking. i'm spending all of my free time studying, socializing (believe me, it's not like i spend a night on the town or anything, just a lunch here or a dinner there with a friend). ahhhhhhhhh! God is so good! but i'm not communicating with him. and i guess, until now, i hadn't realized that he was communicating with me -- except, i just realized that maybe these blessings, this happiness, this joy even in the midst of everything are his messages of love to me. but i want to be challenged; i want to be pushed; i want to struggle! i think that that has been my comprehension of what it means to be a Christian. it's not just seeking God; it's a critical self-awareness and the constant desire to mold that into God's mould. i've been thinking a lot lately about paul's words in 1 corinthians 4: "3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." i'm trying to stop judging myself, even though that's what my faith has meant to me for years. and maybe if i can't get into my Bible on some days, i don't have to tear myself apart for failing God, but i can talk to him and communicate with him through prayer instead.