reminiscent apathy

i'm finding lately that i'm missing the good things of my childhood. not the cliques and the fights with and between my parents, but the simple childhood joys. for instance, i remember how we used to run outside and gather the most colorful leaves in our yard -- mainly the red and sugar maples and the birch trees -- and then carefully arrange them between two sheets of wax paper, which my mom would help us iron together. what resulted was a sort of frosted-glass-looking, colorful piece of "artwork." i remember begging my mom to let us make these day after day when she got home from work. and i remember Christmas ornaments for my parents. in kindergarten and first grade, we took the markers for the overhead projector and colored all over clear plastic cups. then the teachers somehow melted them to near flatness, and we put hooks in one side. these were some of my parents' favorite Christmas ornaments, and darned if they weren't near indestructible. (many years and broken ornaments later, these still remain unscathed.) 

and i've been learning lots. although i feel like i've only been marginally invested in seeking God, i have been taught many lessons lately. to skim a few, how much do i believe in God's power and choice to forgive and give mercy in cases of intentional sin? (mark 9:22-24 -- although this is my broader application of these verses) and what does it mean that we'll all be "salted with fire?" (mark 9:49-50) i've also learned that encouragement from religious zeal and passion that challenges my own is easily mixed up with other feelings, creating a false impression that i didn't see, myself, at the time. 

i'm also longing to get back to basics, to a simple, unmessy style of living. (this is not completely metaphorical, if anyone has seen my room lately.) i want to get the tasks of adulthood done quickly so that i can enjoy the simple, childlike pleasures that i once enjoyed. i want my creativity and my joy back. i also want to be able to serve in a unique and necessary way, and i'm still looking for my place here in the kingdom of God, my unique place of service. i'm discovering that my place of serving through gifts this summer will not be allowable to the same degree this semester, as bills and real life continue to empty my wallet and leave me scouring my room, my car, my purse, my jeans pockets for enough quarters to do laundry. i'm relational; i want to touch someone who needs it one-on-one in a continuing relationship, and i want to reach out to those who haven't been reached out to. 

and those are my thoughts tonight. we'll see if i can continue journaling daily.

MUSIC: "You Got Me All Wrong" - Dios Malos

MOOD: Contemplative

LOCATION: mi apartamiento