i spent the majority of my Thanksgiving wishing that i wasn't there.

don't get me wrong, it was nice enough hanging lights with my family and a couple of friends, but it wasn't like the times when we had put up the lights together as a family -- there were more people, but not the one that used to be a huge part of our celebrations. 

the music was similar, but not "take off (to the great white north)," the ornaments weren't the ones that had meant so much when cody and i were little, and the house was very different. i don't want a new and improved family, even if it has more people. i want the old one, as dysfunctional as it was, because times like this would have been the temporary good times of my family. and they weren't so meaningful this time.

the family Thanksgiving was full of people i didn't even know, not the once tight-knit bunch that we were. my grandpa didn't even talk to me the whole time i was home. he did talk over my head to my brother once, though. when i was sitting right next to his chair on the floor. yeah, it was great.

i got to watch the game, but it wasn't my thing anymore. i guess i'm realizing that football was my 'thing' in our family, at least the thing that i felt most comfortable donning as my unique characteristic. i'm distinct from my mom, because i LOVE football. my dad and my brother will watch pro ball, but just as something to do once in awhile. and now, other people who couldn't care less except that the football bandwagon was there, cared (or pretended to) as much as i did. it became a shared thing, and it didn't even feel genuine on the other end, just annoying.

and i got to see my best friend for the first time in almost a year.

except that, this time, i was the third wheel between my two best friends. who just bonded together the entire time over ridiculing and mocking me, albeit 'in jest.' you know, it was funny when steve told jonah that jonah had just insinuated that any guy who could ever like me was a homosexual, but steve and jael had no problems making fun of me to excess the entire time. to the point that it started to feel mean.

i don't know what you want from me, steven howell. i was a jerk to you when we were kids. i know that, and i've apologized for years. it seemed that you had forgiven me without a thought, and now all of this stuff came out this weekend, how evil i was, how 'angry' i am now, and how much of a ditz and whatever else you guys could come up with about me.

i wanted to hang out with my best friend. i guess i wanted to hang out with you alone. because once jael was there, i was just another person. i wanted to be considerate to jael. i wanted to play along and 'be able to take a joke well' from you both. i didn't want to bring the party down. i tried.

and you both have no clue how much it hurts to hear you talk about me, about how angry or whatever i am now, like i've become someone you don't even like. were you paying attention this weekend, jael? when you felt fear that my dad would actually hit someone? welcome to my relationship with my dad most of the time, except that this year he didn't don a mask for you.

and steve -- i'm sorry i'm so angry. i'm sick of being the person who can't cry, who can't be honest about my depression, who has to smooth things over between my brother and my mom without even the knowledge of both of them. i can't be honest with my dad or my mom, and cody's stuck in problems with my parents as it is. i have to maintain my family, so i don't have time to break down. i don't have time to actually cry, and i have too much pride anyway. so all of these emotions that i stuff down turn to anger on the outside.

which is what you see. you don't see me crying, or waiting in the car by myself until i can force myself to be calm long enough that my eyes lose their red color, long enough that the tears stop welling and disappear again. you don't see me failing at everything i try, because after a weekend like this one, i'm exhausted just to be awake.

the funny thing is, i'm only in control in my family, and that's a temporary facade, a sort of mirage that i think i hold out in front of myself so that i can deal with it all. 

i didn't expect much from my family. but i wish i could have hung out with my friend one-on-one, picking up where we left off like usual this weekend, instead of things turning out like they did.